Firstly, one month ago, March 30, I was told I have HSV-1 genital. Sadly, I don't know who I got the virus from because the two people I slept with during the initial break-out time said they tested negative. So then, I might have gotten it months ago...I have had intercourse with 10 people in the past 10 months, so that makes me feel even more guilty that I may have infected other people without knowing....I wanted to commit suicide the first week during the horrible painful blisters. I felt and feel dirty, ashamed and very low self-worth. I am trying to understand this very complex virus by reading and reading online. Thankfully, I have fully healed and I’m back to regular exercise. I am still on medication, though.
Secondly, my situation is REALLY complicated. I have a unique situation in that I have been married for 22 years. For 18 months, we have lived apart (I’m in America and he’s in Asia) seeing each other only 3 times a year. Four years ago, we agreed to have a very discreet open marriage. I’m a Mom caring for our two children, 14 year old daughter and 12 year old son at home in America. I am a fit sexy woman and my sexuality is incredibly important to me. Especially due to being raised Catholic only until 4 years ago, finally allowing myself to truly feel sexual pleasure. I had an okay and sometimes good sex life, but in these recent years, it has been REALLY fucking good(full disclosure: sometimes it's great hot sex with my husband but, since we don't have our strong connection with rarely see each other it is difficult!
Thirdly, do I divorce or stay married? Since getting the virus….My husband doesn't see a future for us to be together now that I have HSV-1 genital. He does not want to get the virus. I saw him last week, he really didn't want to hold me even with clothes on. He too is soul searching because this in not the marriage he imagined for himself. He read that there is a 70% chance he would get the virus from me if we had sex. So he doesn't know how we will ever have a fulfilling sex life together. And he thinks I will be jealous when he has multiple sexual relationships with other women while I might not be able to enjoy sexual intimacy. Yes, I would be if I am alone dealing with the pain and outbreaks on my own. He asked me how many out breaks would I have each year and how bad will they be? I said, “I am unable to answer those questions, it is unknown about how my body will deal with the virus in years to come”.
These are the questions I am asking myself…..Do I divorce and then openly find individuals with herpes to openly enjoy fulfilling sex, intimacy and connection on that deeper level, yet will I have the strength to divorce and be alone caring for two children? OR Do I stay in my marriage and live separate sexual lives, find individuals with herpes and secretly hide and will I have the strength to be positive in the marriage?
So what advice can you give me? Please help.