lelani
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Posts posted by lelani
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Hey you are welcome Greeneyes...I know that feeling too, it would be easy to just jump right in...because I love sex and think its lovely too. Take up dancing like me and you get to feel sexy all the time with heaps of different men and there is no issue of disclosing :-D
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Hey Alone..you aren't alone...I had the same thing. Constant episodes for 5 -6 months initially - I thought it would never end. But it did, they suddenly just stopped and I haven't had one (although thought I may have prodrome episodes several times but cant be sure) for about 6 months now. H will settle down soon and just make sure you eat well, smile alot and get lots of loving with your friend ;-)
Such a lovely post for all of us to read... and give your lovely man a hug from me :-)
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Much love back to you Athena...love your message and so sounds like me in every way!!! Another 'two for one' girl! xxxxxxx
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OMG Don't feel bad about it flygal...you were giving him the best gift even if it didn't feel like it for either of you! There are heaps of people who have no idea of the 'joy's' of dating...or don't want to and blindly carry on being irresponsible. They think the fun is in sex...actually it isn't...my best and most fun dates haven't involved sex at all (well...not past flirting and kissing).
Glad you like the quote, I thought it was worth posting too...I had read it so long ago and it was perfect for how I was feeling - funny how these things come just at the right time. Hope you feel less fearful next time :-).
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This past weekend it's been a year since my diagnosis and I have come a full circle...the old feeling of who will want me surfaced - even though I have been with a couple of lovely men in that time, one herpes negative (a lover who keeps resurfacing) and one positive ( who I thought was the one but he went back to his ex...unfinished business). Mostly I am so into living I don't think much about herpes...but I also realise my independence is also a way of sometimes not having to deal with it either, in terms of a relationship.
I grieved this weekend for that light, fun feeling I used to have about dating. I have been single for seven years since my marriage ended, apart from a few months of fun dating (before herpes) and a couple of potential but very short relationships (one with my giver).
Before herpes I thought I knew everything I needed to know about STI's and was responsible, so I would be protected. I had contracted HPV when I was young through being cheated on. This time around with herpes it was a mutual disclosure...we both took a risk and I got his but he didn't get mine. I had experienced no HPV symptoms for about 12 years...and with my first episode of herpes it returned so my first episode was a two for one (and that is how I see myself now!). It's hard disclosing about one...and then have to basically say 'but wait, there's more!".
I can't deny its hard disclosing but what I have learned is that (and I have said it before on here) H is a good insurance policy for making better decisions about who you are intimate with, one that herpes unenlightened people don't have. I read something today that really spoke to me and although I know it, I needed to hear it again....
"When we give our bodies to another being, we are giving them a piece of our souls. We might want to take the time to find out if they deserve it."
Herpes sorts out if they deserve it...:-) and now I don't feel so sad :-)
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GO Janet! "I have an H dream" ;-D
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I just want to confirm what everyone else has said...I remember feeling like my world had come to an end. Actually in a way it did...I learned to think differently, I pushed myself to do new things and get out and meet new people. I didn't think about another relationship and worked on doing things independently. I have to say in many ways it has been the best year of my life...even though its been one of the hardest.
You aren't alone on here.. we all know how it feels and its great to be able to support each other. You won't be alone forever, there are people who think the person is more important than a common virus...and I am one of those so I do know we are out there :-) Look after yourself and your thoughts...it gets better.
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Yes Vanessa...be gentle with yourself and while it's hard not to feel scared right now..you will be ok. I felt every word you wrote....it could have been me writing those same words when I had my first episode this time last year. And now a year later...I feel so different. I still have sad times with the same feelings but they are so small now compared to then...I read my diary on the weekend and have come so far in one year.
Write a diary and when you look back on it you will see how much you have grown in a years time. H has helped me live more honestly with myself and others, made me more vulnerable and helped me form deeper connections with others and has make me get out and enjoy life and push myself to try new things and meet new people.
The only stigma is what you put on it...you have the opportunity to be a light for others and change the way people think. You haven't ruined your life honey...you have just joined an exclusive club of awesome people who happen to have a skin condition. Its annoying and is a challenge sometimes, it sometimes makes us sad and angry...but just feel it and let it go...you really are going to be ok and as for both of you getting it...be kind to each other with no blame. That emotional rollercoaster will slow down with time...its normal and passes. Eat healthy, think positively (even if its an effort) and nuture yourself. If you need to vent or ask questions we are here :-) Big hug x
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Yeah..I remember all those feelings too...and they do pass. Herpes will take more of a back seat (except sometimes when you have an episode but they become less and less and are a sign all is not right in your life and then they are a nudge to get in balance again).
Don't stress about the future, just enjoy life. You are clean, there is nothing dirty about herpes ... and other people are less grossed out than you think. I chose to be with a man after he disclosed (I already had HPV) so we shared our little viruses and I happened to catch his. We ended it but are still friends and keep in touch (herpes is only one reason people break up!).
I'm not dating right now, even though i get a lot of attention from men... herpes or no herpes, I haven't found anyone I want to date for a while. In the meantime I am getting on with life and having fun, learning new things and working on myself to be the best I can be...Herpes seems to stay asleep when I do that :-)
Yeah I get sad sometimes...but its not as bad and passes quickly. It's hard telling a date I have the two Hs but his reaction tells me if he is worthy or not so look at it like a little insurance policy in the future if you need it - it weeds out the guys who aren't worth having anyway.
It's great you found us...anytime you need to vent just post and we are here :-) Believe me it gets better and if you choose your thoughts and words wisely (ditch the negatives and the judgements of yourself and herpes) you will find herpes is just a small part of your life. And in the meantime enjoy you relationship with your man :-)
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Soooo happy for you!... I knew she would be great :-)
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Hi Jamaica...welcome to the site and I am sending you a hug, I know what the feeling of rejection is like :-(.
As for the guy...he did you a favour by backing off because if he acts that immaturely and selfishly over H he will act like that with other things. Circumstances don't make a person...they reveal them. You disclosing just showed you the kind of guy he is and believe me honey...you are best be rid of him! He's not the kind of guy who will be there for you with anything else you need support with in your life...look at H as your insurance policy for getting rid of the men who won't be good boyfriends or partners. You tested his character and he failed the test...it's really not about us being rejected, we just think its that way.
You have enough integrity and love for others to be honest and disclose...you deserve someone the same. They are out there...I am one who took the risk with my boyfriend. Now I am in the same boat and while its not easy sometimes...I am working on developing myself into someone amazing so for myself i see H as just a tiny part of who i am and if anyone can't accept H, I KNOW its their loss and not mine..and I can thank H for sorting out the men from the boys!
Hang in there Jamaica...there are amazing men out there...H will actually help you recognise them :-)
Janice :-)
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Great Post WD! I totally agree...!!!! :-)
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Hi Kath...hey welcome :-)
That was a sad end to the night! I think H has done you a favour really...considering 80% of the population has it his freak out is kind of funny. He obviously doesn't bother to ask anyone if they have it before he kisses them. You had enough integrity to tell him and he's upset with you??? His reaction is only from his ignorance with something he knows nothing about, instead of asking you questions and researching it...he's come from a place of fear and made negative judgments. That says more about him than you and is a little red flag flapping about for you to take notice of, might be the way he deals with a lot of things!
Telling someone before you have HSV1 genitally before you kiss them...? I probably would...only because I like getting disclosing out of the way as soon as possible. Having it in the background knowing I will have to disclose anyway and then waiting for the 'perfect moment' is way harder for me. It means I haven't got too attached and how they react tells me so much about their character and if they are right for me. I don't look at it so much as being rejected, more like a good insurance policy to stop me from making a mistake pursuing a relationship that might not be good for me, regardless of H.
Good on you for being brave and honest...:-)
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Hey Revenant :-)...you sound so lovely and so does she. She's given you 'some dirt' (such a funny term lol) and opened it up for you to share too (so you chickened out..not the end of the world)...and she wants to be patient and take it slowly, which you have like gentleman. You have acted with integrity and respect..how could she get mad? I wouldn't :-)
I would think that you cared enough about me to get to know me and give me time to get to know you too. I would understand that it is something really personal and difficult to share...that you needed time to build up trust with me before telling me and I would feel honored that you trusted me enough to share this.
You need to tell her sooner than later...and before things get too hot again (that just makes it more difficult!). Trust me you will feel so much better...and if she is that awesome her reaction will be just as awesome. She may need to talk about it, need time to think about the implications for her...but I don't think she will get mad.
So stop feeling bummed out...I didn't get mad at my giver when he told me and the guys I have since disclosed to didn't either. Its an opportunity to make a really deep and honest connection with this woman and to give her the opportunity to have the same. Be brave and go for it :-)
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What great posts SVilliager and Kaande...Alone I think you need to change your name to NotAlone;-). You really aren't, you are just feeling isolated with H and we are all here for you!
It's not a life sentence...just an annoying skin condition that makes you deal with all the negative things you think about yourself, pushes you to live with honesty and integrity and to take care of your health. The life sentence is if you make it bigger than it is and live with fear about it, about telling people important to you and being rejected.
I chose to be with a man with H and have not regreted it depsite the hassles. It's made me live more authenticly and H sorts out those I don't wish to spend time with from those worthy of my frienship and love.
It is a new world and you will learn its not scary and that there are amazing people out there..like all of us ;-). Like Kaande says..make every other part of you amazing - such a great line!!!
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Hey Adrial...my long arms are reaching out again ;-) and I know you will feel supported by everyone here and also those close to you.
I have done the hour of power (yes Tony has infiltrated the south pacific too lol) for years and teach others too. It has to be the best self nurturing and empowering thing ever! I would encourage everyone to do it every day...I notice it when I don't!
It's affirming to me that you are letting go this relationship with love. No matter what has happened in my relationships or how hurt I have been I have done the same...then there is a deep level of peace and power in the healing no matter how sad you feel. I have cried and felt angry and sad...but when I just feel it and not blame its lighter and healing is faster.
I let go of the relationship with my giver the same way. It may happen again in the future but it wasn't right for then and isn't now. It's such a powerful place to be knowing that's ok and that the sadness is replaced with gratitude in knowing him and still having a connection, just in a different form.
Take care of yourself and embrace the freedom of being able to let go with love :-) x
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Hi Marina...I know the feeling...but you know what, the worst feeling is of being voiceless.
You have nothing to loose with either guy....other than maybe a short hot and sexy time with the Adonis. ;-)
Even if there is no chance of being together to tell him will show him you have integrity and think enough of him to tell him...the timing may not be right for you to be with him now but you have NO idea what life will bring later. To show him you care enough to be vulnerable and honest is a gift.
Telling the ex ... again, it's about integrity and if you come from that place, that you care and you want him to be informed and have the opportunity to be responsible for his health and any partners he has. Again, you are giving him a gift, to grow as a person.
How these guys deal with you telling them is not your concern, but giving yourself a voice is. Sending you a hug...find your voice and tell them with kindness...whatever the outcome, you will be okay and will feel so much better! :-)
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Love your post smiles...I was one who took the risk with someone special so I know that there are good peole out there who will. Good luck :-)
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Hey Inspired you are judging yourself way more than anyone else will judge you...so what if they know. I have learned over the years being a very public figure that todays gossip about you lasts only that long. People think about you wayyyyyy less than you think they are because they are more concerned about the crap that is happening in their own lives than yours..and if they do gossip it means they are just trying to distract themselves from their own crappy life.
And as for casual hookups...like Adrial I thought you didn't want them anyway. I actually even make a point of only kissing someone I want to be intimate with emotionally...that's hugely intimate to me. I would ask what you would get out of casual hookups...? Being accepted? Validated? Noticed? Feeling sexy?
I agree with Carlos and Janet that hookups are by nature selfish...and that is all they are, a sexy selfish little pastime that may bring all those feelings of acceptance and validation...but they can come at a price for EVERYONE. Personally I don't want to pay that price...I have contracted enough from committed relationships to play russian roulette with a casual hookup. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything...I feel empowered to make good decisions for myself.
As for the ex? The best revenge is to smile and live well...let go of the anger and be the best person you can be, live the best life you can. They stare...? Smile, say hello and move on..try it and you will see what I mean — there is power in it and then voila that trigger is gone!
And Inspired, if you make choices from a place of integrity rather than ones that require your integrity to catch up with you, life becomes alot easier and lighter. So keep learning about yourself ... herpes is really positive trigger for that!
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Love it love it love it!!!!! Your new name suits you sooo much better and says everything about where you want to be :-) And Lively..love your insights...as for men who go 'poof' - I say be thankful they poofed when they did - saves a whole lot of drama down the road with them!!!
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I sent another message earlier but it didn't post :-(..
Adrial thank you so much for having the courage to start this project and I am so glad I found you in cyberspace, all the way from the bottom of the world :-). Your love and insights are inspiring and I feel honoured to be part of this community..there is no judgment and alot of postive and affirming people who care and are living authentically, and are willing to share all of themselves openly. I have appreciated every post as well.
I love being able to support and share...if it helps any of you to feel stronger and lighter then my life is enriched along with yours. So a hug to all of you and especially you, Adrial..I am sad I can't come to the seminar from the other side of the world but I will be with you in spirit :-) x
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Go you!!!...I love dancing too and dance Ceroc 3-5 times a week now...get to be hot, sweaty and sexy with heaps of fancey footed fellows (haha love that term!) and H isn't an issue at all lol! I think everyone who has H should dance heaps...sex on the dancefloor without any hassles!
You sound gorgeous and funny and anyone who has the urge to scream from a mountain top is a my kind of kindred spirit :-) I think you are already switching the fear into something positive. You are soooooo much bigger than H and don't forget it :-) x
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Hey a big 'down under' hug marina...hahhaha I just realised how we will probably be the only ones who know the meaning of that...but doesn't it so fit with H lol?
Yeah Adrial is a diamond (big hug to you too mate!) and I couldn't have said it better! Hey another great vent exercise it beating the crap out of your bed with a tennis racket - yes tried and true! Or go dancing...I do it ALOT!
Your post is awesome and shoes how loving and real you are. Yes maturity helps in dealing with things...you have it and others may not. H has a way of sorting out who is worthy of you and who is not...not a bad thing :-)
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I'm soooo far away to meet up but if anyone wants to private message to talk too I'm here:-)
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OK here it goes ... I have herpes
in Just found out I have herpes
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I'm sending you lots of healing energy justbreathe...I have a very similar exhusband story only I was the one who got pregnant while he couldn't figure himself out and was with the other woman. It sucks and yes its sad because there is no choice. And you are allowed to have down days and I am glad you felt brave enough to post on here...you aren't alone. So be sad...just don't let it turn into depression like Adrial says. You will find someone who will love you battle wounds and all...in the meantime let the tears fall and be cleansing and get on with the awseome things in your life :-) x