DesignerGirl

I think most people who are already educated about HSV will handle the disclosure at any time quite well. I think your mindset going into the disclosure is important - don't make it sound horrible. When I've made the disclosure I tell them sincerely that protecting them is important to me, and although it's not a huge deal to have it, I don't want them to get it. I explain that there is a chance that they might still get it due to asymptomatic shedding but that with daily antivirals and condoms, the statists of female to male transmission is about 1%. I got this info from Arial's handouts. From reading others stories, it sounds like there are a lot of success stories about disclosing. The two boyfriends I disclosed to reacted differently but the outcome was still positive. The first was a doctor who actually teaches medical students about HSV and he and I talked quite a bit before the first date, but we ended up in bed on the first date and he was so unconcerned about it, it was a true blessing. The second is much more conservative about sex in general, I disclosed on the fourth date and I gave him the info and told him to think about it and he said that he didn't want to get it, but liked me well enough it wasn't a huge deal. These guys didn't reject me because they saw me as more than a disease. They saw me as a person they wanted to get to know and have a longer term relationship with. I can only really speak to disclosing when I am thinking about a potential long-term relationship. Are you looking for casual sex or a long-term relationship? I've had plenty of the former and have zero shame about it, but HSV has made me more cautious in general about who I have sex with and the timing of the disclosure. If you are looking for a potential LTR try to remember that rejection after disclosure is often more about the overall fit between you and the other person, not about HSV. This article posted in another thread has been hugely helpful: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/big-little-secret-rejection-get-past-quickly/. I truly believe that the person I'm supposed to be with next (whether they have HSV or not) will deal with my status because they want to be with me. If they don't really think I'm LTR material for them, HSV is a really easy excuse. This is a really long answer to your question but let me sum it up - I have decided that the best course of action for me is to get to know someone and them me, before I make the disclosure. They may still end up rejecting me, it will hurt and there is a chance it's due to HSV. But if they do reject me, I need to believe it's because they have determined we are a good fit, and they just saw it first.

Wow, loved it, thanks!

@j_avalon - I am in the exact same boat and this has been a tough road to navigate with online dating. I also find that men want and expect to have sex by the third date. I am only looking for a potential long-term relationship right now, and yet I feel pushed to date in a way that hasn't served me. I've had one guy who has decided not to date me, and used herpes as the excuse. The other two guys turned into boyfriends. I think the best thing to do is get clear about what you want, and what you can handle. For example, I'm a pretty anxious and sensitive person in general. I want to know when I meet someone if herpes is going to be a dealbreaker and I'm so tempted to just put it out there and find out. What I've realized is that I can't handle it - it fundamentally violates my own boundaries to tell someone something so personal until I feel I've gotten to know them well enough. If they can't handle waiting for sexual intimacy, then they just aren't worth my time and attention. Try not to feel pushed into dating in a way that doesn't serve you and good luck!

Thanks to all three of you who replied. You are right and in hindsight, I think the guy I referred to used herpes as an excuse not to date me. My intuition said that he wasn't the right fit for me either and that he probably saw it before I did. I think the best dating advice for me to follow is really not to date until I'm in a better mindset and ready to stick to my guns about who I like (instead of worrying about the opposite) and be more discriminate about people who are a good fit for me. My best relationships have developed when I'm feeling really good about myself and what I have to offer. The world of online dating can be so fast-paced and it's easy to use it for short-term ego boosts. I need to remember to go slow. It's easy to blame herpes for being rejected, especially when someone tells you it's the reason, but you guys are absolutely right - someone who sees a long-term potential with me, will deal with it (unless it poses a serious health risk to them).

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I feel compelled to write because I also had a very similar situation this weekend. I've met two previous boyfriends on non-H dating websites and the first was very supportive and great about the diagnosis and the other one, not as comfortable, but dealt with it. I decided to take the risk again. I met who I thought was a very compatible match and we got to know each other fairly well, and then I made the disclosure. He was great in the moment and even said he suspected that I perhaps had it from the way I'd answered one of the OK Cupid questions. Then he got distant and finally texted me that he liked me but just couldn't deal. I'm feeling very angry and hurt, and want to hate him. But that's not really fair either. I know I'd be very wary if I was in his shoes, but I'd like to think that I'm a catch and worth getting to know. This has given me the opportunity to get clear about what works for me and I'm curious what other people here do in the scary world of online dating. What I've learned I guess is that I'm just not willing to take the emotional risk to put myself out there again on a non-H dating website. I admire and respect those who do, but when you're dating amongst strangers it seems like the normal 3-5 dates (for me at least) before intimacy becomes a serious factor just isn't enough time for them to say yes to the whole package. I've found H dating websites to be pretty dismal and I live in a major metropolitan city so I'm just wondering how I'll ever find someone. Any tips?