Let me start off by saying I have not yet received an official diagnosis. But i'm 98% sure and my doc is too.
I have been with my husband for 10 years. Married for 7. I don't fit the stereotype. I had planned on remaining a virgin until marriage, but that all changed when I was raped at age 21 by a nurse (of all people), that I met at a bar. I was screened for STDs afterward. Thought I was clear.
My husband was a bit of a man-whore before I met him. We agreed it would be prudent for him to be tested while we were engaged. All clear. Thought we were good.
Several days ago I started having some burning and itching down there. I've never had an infection of any sort so it was strange for me. When I looked, I saw some red lesions on my vulva. It was alarming. I thought maybe it was a reaction to some new soap I had used a couple days earlier. Days passed and the pain and itching spread from my perinnium and to my anus. I went to the doctor and she immediately told me it looked and sounded like herpes. You can imagine my shock and panic.
My first thought was "how did I get this?"
My second was "what if I spread this to my baby?!?" (This scares me far more than anything else) The thought of not covering her beautiful little cherub-like face in kisses and snuggles just absolutely KILLS ME. I cry as type the words.
Over the last 24 hours I have developed what looks like, the beginning of a cold sore in the corner of my mouth. I don't think I've ever had one before. (Though I have had painful sores on the inside of my mouth, even recently and little itchy bumps on my eyelids, which I always thought were allergy related), I've been avoiding getting very close to either of my children, which is heart-wrenching as a mother.
It is very likely, after researching it, that I got it from my husband, who recently told me he had cold sores as a kid, but never considered it could be contagious now. He may have picked it up from a past lover. I may have contracted it from the ass hole who raped me. Who knows. That's not really important to me now.
How do I live with this and actively love my kids?!?!
This is all so new to me. I never thought I'd have to think about any of this. It truly sucks. It feels life changing. I feel like a walking petri-dish. I cannot stop washing my hands. I second guess touching my children or kissing my husband... Please help me.
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