Chanel

jma31964: I understand this is stressful for you. I wish I had more experience with telling others so I can offer some advice. I wanted to log on and let you know I don't think your question will go out to the group that has signed onto this website. I might be wrong, but I am pretty sure your question only came to me as a push email to my inbox (since I started the discussion question). But I will say this, you have not wasted anyone's time by getting to know them well before deciding whether it is a good romantic match (for both of you). And I fully agree not to disclose until you know whether you are taking the relationship to another level. (Why go through the stress?) However, there was someone on one of the discussions that said she discloses very quickly via text and she gave an example of how she writes it. I thought it was a good idea. I know it might seem odd since you have known her so long, (to send a text or email) but I think its doing the other a favor to be able to process it and respond when they are ready. Anyway, maybe you want to resend your question out and please email me if you think about it and let me know how the disclosure goes. I really hope its good! -Chanel

I am sorry you are in this pain. I wish I could help you but I never had any of those symptoms so I never researched it. I do know that it gets much much better as time passes (breakouts), I have had it since 1997 or so and I rarely even break out after leaving a very stressful job in 2016. I have had only 1 in 2 years. I just wanted to comment and tell you I hope you can find some answers on this.

Nanner: I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but you did disclose and there is always a chance we can transmit. I have had this since 1997ish and have had one guy say he got it from me; but I cannot trust what he says because he would not have a conversation with me (we had already broken up), and he owed me $2000 dollars and he was trying to guilt me out of paying me back, (he always had money issues). I did disclose to him also. He did pay me back after I threatened small claims court. Anyway, I got on this site once and it seemed okay, I just didn't go through with it and closed it down because I am changing careers etc..and just too stressed with other things. It is called positive singles.com. I hope you try it and it is successful for you. Please keep in touch if you want. I am also going to get back in the dating game; but I have decided to just go on herpes sites so I don't have to disclose any more. Its just too stressful. Good luck.

20Plus: Thanks again for your emails. Would you mind if I emailed you separately through this forum? That way it would be a separate dialogue just between us. I agree with you about whether someone is worth telling (or not)... Thank you. Chanel

Well you have a good outlook on this issue and a very healthy one. I will admit my outlook is not positive. I am terrified of other people knowing and afraid others will tell. I just can't help it. Thanks for your enthusiasm and response. I do know there is someone for me, and frankly its obvious not having this issue doesn't seem to matter when trying to maneuver through romance; in other words, relationships are hard and don't work out for many reasons, like you said.

I have that fear also. I have turned down so many dates that would be the perfect way to meet a like-minded, sane person (in other words, community already knows him, since he is being recommended by friends/family), so I do not date much either. Some of the men have been mad! And I can't tell them why.., its very frustrating. I highly recommend getting on a Herpes Dating site. I have not done it yet, but I am going to soon. I have waited a long time thinking that I did not have to go there, but now I am tired of disclosing and feeling like crap for weeks/months wondering how the person truly feels about it and maybe not telling me --he will go out a few months, even a year; but will never move the relationship forward because of this. I know that everyone says, if he truly cares, it won't matter. Sorry, but I am more cynical than that,..I think it already takes me out of the running with many people that just don't want to deal with it on a long-term basis.

Thanks for everyone leaving comments. I also know at least 3 women that have it and their SO's do not. It gives me hope. I just never really know if the reasons for things not working out is because of the H , and the men are trying to be nice and not tell me.

I mean courage-less POS's...lol.

I agree with you. If this person knowingly had it and did not disclose, it is an affront to humankind. You now get to have this forever...I think you should consider a lawsuit. I am sick and tired of men and (women) getting away with infecting someone because they are coward-less pieces of shit. I have had this for 17 years. I have told every single potential romantic partner. I am certain the person that gave it to me had an idea he had it because of some details at that time. I have looked this up. Each state is different. I know it might seem impossible to do this, because it is extremely hard to prove that he actually gave it to you. However, he must have known he had it if he told the next person, so he could at least be penalized financially or something for negligence. It is probably hard to get a lawyer to take this on, though. I am so sick of idiots that don't disclose. I was not given the chance either. And on top of this. Men give it to women at a much higher rate than the other way around. I am on your side H3rpsterrella!

Its very good you got out of an abusive relationship. Having H is not a death sentence. It is only the social stigma that sucks. Take care of yourself now, emotionally because being abused is a traumatic thing to happen to you. I am not a counselor but I hope you can get some counseling and feel better about yourself. And yes, you can do better!

Wow, this was eye-opening for me. I never thought about doing it in a text but it might be a golden rule now. I am definitely going to consider it for future dating. Thanks for posting this and sharing. Very inspiring! And you wrote the text very well.

Wow, I have never heard of a story like that. And then he tests negative for both...??After 16 years? I think its possible some people don't contract it for some reason. I had a doctor , yes a doctor tell me don't even disclose, its a stupid virus that comes and goes...? He was a doc at a walk-in clinic, not my ob-gyn. She says disclose for sure. I was shocked he said that but he also said people have terrible emotional issues because of it and its not necessary...but still we have to disclose. I wasn't given that chance and I am still angry at the man who gave it to me. It totally changed my life. I never had kids or remarried, but of course I was doing the church thing for a long time thinking if I was a good enough girl,...blah blah blah...

Mishabones: There are men that are okay with it. I have only told 2 but neither one freaked out...however I waited almost 2 mos (maybe 6 weeks...or so) to tell both. I know it might seem like a long time to wait and probably not everyone agrees with that, but I also pay for dates (along with the men paying), and make it clear to a man that I am dating and do not want to feel obligated, and don't want him to feel cheated if things don't work out. That sort of relieves pressure to have sex because he has been wining (sp?) and dining you AND it gives you time to get to know each other well enough to have the talk. I have been on several dates with men and then did not feel comfortable that they would accept my issue, so I just broke things off. I am not sure that is totally healthy either...but I am still learning how to date with this. Maybe go on a H dating site, I think it will give you confidence and then you can decide if you want to get back out there. Hope that helps a little. I do agree, it is hard enough dating these days...

HikingGirl: (I am a hiker too, btw). That was a nice response, thank you. After four years of being diagnosed, I did not have sex for 10 years...yep 10 years. I got very involved in church and was hoping God would cure me, and I thought I was going to wait until marriage before having sex again. What a joke! No, he did not take it away and I got too lonely...so I have been dating the last 3 years. There is one common trait with the 2 men that I have told. They are both sweet guys (and ruggedly handsome!) I know the 1st guy would not have worked out anyway (other issues) but we were together a year. The 2nd guy (current) one seemed okay, not at first, then he was again, but now just wants an FWB arrangement. I answered yes since it was alcohol-driven at the time. Now, I wonder if it is because of the issue. I have decided not to be FWB because we were dating normally, and so now it just doesn't feel right, and I don't want to ask him if H is the reason because it doesn't matter what the reason is...he wants FWB and I don't. I do know its possible for discordant couples to be successful because I know of at least 3 couples where the female has it and the male doesn't, and they have all been married over 10 years. I do not care about marriage, and I totally agree with you about getting to know someone a LONG time before making that step. But I do want a significant other. I really think I am going on an H dating site the next time I am ready to date again. I have some other things going on right now (like finding a job), and that is a priority. I am also super independent so I am cool on my own. I don't mind a long ramble either...here is mine LOL.

Do not tell your ex-husband. There is nothing good that can come from that. I also got herpes after I divorced my husband..the very 1st person I was with at 36! What a joke. I get it. Do not worry, it gets better...its just that dating will be a little different. You will need to disclose that you have it. You might not be up for this because I was not at the time, but I wish more people would file a cause of action against those that have egregiously found no problems with having sex with others when they know or might have known they had an STD. I did not do at the time, so I am not saying you should but I am 53, still not remarried and never had kids and I think it is because of the stigma from this idiotic virus. Seriously, each state is different and there is a possibility you could have a lawsuit. I don't think Adrial and this website is here to promote this, but I am sick and tired of people getting away with giving it to others with no accountability.