LoveTheMountains
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Posts posted by LoveTheMountains
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I just did a search on here for "prednisone" and found a few old posts so I am making this new post to make sure I keep this info fresh and alive for people like me who were not aware of the side effects Prednisone can have on those with HSV. I caught a bad chest cold 2 weeks ago which mostly went away except for lingering cough and shortness of breath. Went to the ER after a really bad night. I was given a breathing treatment and Prednisone (3 day regimen which from what I've now learned is a pretty short RX). I normally go home and research meds online before taking them but was so sick and out of it I didn't this time. Within hours my breathing and coughing was greatly improved and I was thrilled. I just finished my last pill yesterday morning. Woke up this morning with nearly swollen shut eyes, pink lids, completely red eyes, and copious amounts of oozing mucous out of my eyes. After a full day of reading I basically have learned that prednisone is a steroid that is prescribed for things like asthma and bronchitis (and lots of other conditions that involve inflammation) because it lessons the inflammation. It does this by suppressing the immune system. As I have HSV (no obvious symptoms in over 20 years), it has apparently suppressed my immune system and I am most likely experiencing a viral conjunctivitis ( severe form of pink eye) due to having HSV in my system. I also seem to be getting prodromals but am hoping it will not turn into a full on outbreak. If all I get is this severe pink eye (which practically has sealed my eyes shut) and a genital herpes outbreak I will consider myself extremely lucky. There are tons of forums out there with people suffering an array of side effects of prednisone. And the side effects even for someone without HSV are very bad. I had no idea. Anyway, I realize there are many other reasons someone might be prescribed this medication and the pros may out way the cons of needing to take it, but just want those of us in our unique situation to please carefully weigh your options when taking this med. Like I said, I had no idea!
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Oh, and I will add this, there is one pattern I feel emerging in disclosure/acceptance situations. I do feel on some level that acceptance by men (in my experience) does improve with age. But I think this is across the board on accepting lots of things in life that comes with age. Time and life experience seems to bring with it a reckoning and reevaluating about "ideals" and perfection and what's really important. Not saying that some people won't still decide the risk is not for them. I've just found the caliber and ease of conversation with men about this over the years has gotten better and better. I've noticed a more common reaction from men that can be paraphrased as "well in the big picture of things, that really isn't that big of a deal" type attitude. And at 40 I totally get what they are saying. The things that seemed important to me and my girlfriends when it came to men back when I was in my 20's and even 30's have definitely evolved.
Also I don't hold it against a guy if he was to reject me. However, it does speak to his character if he was to be jerk about it. I mentioned this in another thread, I don't really agree with the concept of using stats to try to convince someone they should take the risk on me ( the fact that people use stats in the same conversation to basically say tons of people have this AND its really hard to get herpes is contradictory). Plus I don't WANT to convince someone to be with me. I do share the stats on how common it is just because I want them to be aware this is out there and I'm not some unique case they've stumbled on. But when it comes to discussing the risk I tell them straight out, "if we go forward, you need to realize there is a risk you can get this". I don't sugar coat it. I don't discuss the stats on transmission at all. You can get it period. Condom, antivirals, you can get it. But I find that men REALLY appreciate my honesty about this. Interestingly I've started to suspect my approach of NOT trying to sell myself might even have something to do with it. Maybe there's some reverse psychology at work which is not my intention! If I felt I had to convince someone I know it would poke holes in my self worth down the road.
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Just wanted to comment on Freyas comment about acceptance only when a guy is looking for hookups.Like Optimist said, I've experienced it both ways. Pretty random, no real pattern. One guy no longer saw me as relationship material but wanted sex. Another wanted to move forward only if he could practically have a guarantee that I would be with him forever, and most of the others turned into actual relationships.
@KindCaring
I'm sorry you experienced rejection and totally understand how you feel like you can not go through that again. There is such a large amount of building inner strength I think that those of us with this have to build up. The best advice I can offer for self protection is to enjoy the first few dates, have fund, and let the guy see how awesome you are (and you get to see if you even like him) and then disclose before you get emotionally invested. This also kinda makes me think of a similar but different situation in dating. I'm 40 and it looks like I will not be having biological children; just didn't work out timing/finding the one- (yes i know its still physically possible but personally not wanting to at this point due to age; and thankfully I'm totally okay with this)...but I am in an age range where a lot of women (and lately men too!) that I know are dating in their late 30's/early 40's and wanting children and feel they don't have lots of time to waste on people who may not want the same thing. Because of this I know people who have to approach dating similarly as far as figuring out if the person they are newly dating is remotely on the same page about having children. I've been asked on first dates y men if I want children! Anyway, my point is there are a variety of things that are big deal breakers and its important for all involved not to get too emotionally involved before you figure out if they/you meet some of the those big deal breakers. Too painful to let things go on too long only to find out there is no chance.
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Hi
@Ts212196,
RegularGuy is absolutely correct.
Also, I posted a list of my disclosure experiences and the slow progression of my own self acceptance from about age 27-40 in someone's older post below:
"Successful online dating herpes disclosures, female to male". I basically "hid out" most of my 20's from the dating world out of fear of rejection. In it I mentioned how I realllly wished I'd figured out earlier that it was not that big of a deal and stated my wish that other's not have to take as long as I did to get over their fears. Maybe take a look at that post...too much to explain here.
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I think I was on acyclovir when I was engaged and taking for suppression. For the first few weeks I was insanely thirsty and lethargic, both listed as side effects. I also gained quite a bit of weight. I looked this up online and found a few places that mentioned weight gain in women. I'm not 100% sure it was entirely caused by the meds alone as I went from a physically active job to a sedentary one, but the weight gain was faster than I usually experience. And I lost weight after stopping. Which bums me out if I have to get back on it in the future-ugg.
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That's great @PresentMoment! I love looking forward to meeting someone new : ) I hope you get to process some of the stuff you're dealing with between now and then and are able to have a great time on the date regardless of the outcome. Keep us posted! I am trying to pull back after the whirlwind of dates and unexpected men in my life the last two weeks. I realized two things; one I need to heal from the narcissist ex-fiancé or I risk involving myself with another person like that easily since I'm still feeling vulnerable, and two; the flurry of recent men (all age appropriate and mostly nice/good guys) has made me feel that yes, I can still meet a great person...I just need to get myself back to a good place again before i do that. With that said...I have coffee date that popped up before I could get my online dating profile hidden lol and an unexpected reconnection with a man in the herpes community that I went out with on a friendly but promising get-togethers about 5 years ago. I have actually never met anyone who didn't just want a fling on h dating sites so I've never dated in our "club". We'll see how this goes. I had a crush on this guy back then but he chose someone else at the time to pursue and I moved on. I feel nothing anymore but I am looking forward to catching up as friends!
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Just found this older posting and trying to get more proactive and involved in the forums (its therapeutic for me right now lol!) Thought I'd add a list of my disclosure experiences over the years. I've had this a long time but was in a relationship soon after from about age 19 to 27 so I didn't get to start having the talk till then. (I got it back before there was any good info online- heck I looked it up in an encyclopedia when I got it and that little paragraph was the extent of my knowledge for years).
This isn't all disclosures but the most significant ones:
1) I was 28. Told the guy on the phone after we had started dating and things were getting serious. I was a tearful emotional mess. He was verbally very comforting and accepting. The next day he invited me over and just held me all day. So that was good. However down the road he proved to be kinda a jerk; cut himself off emotionally but wanted lots of booty calls and I ended it. But I'm thankful for his initial comforting reaction. It helped pave the way forward.
2) Age 30 Was not a crying mess but had a very hard time getting the words out so he finally interrupted with "I know what you're going to say; its not you its me...I get it you are not as into me as I am into you...its okay". I burst out laughing and then was like "umm no I have herpes". He was relieved! Accepting. We dated a few months. He was never quite comfortable with sex and that did hurt a lot, plus there were other things I didn't like about his personality so I was relieved when our work took us separate places.
3) Age 31 Disclosed calmly for the first time. Inside I was a wreck because I was totally falling in love with this guy and terrified of rejection. He interpreted my disclosure as me trying to end the budding relationship and he got choked up. When I explained otherwise he was relieved and said he totally wants to be together. I made him wait a few weeks just to make sure. Relationship lasts 4 years.
4) Age 37 This was tricky b/c we met in the state I was living and he was stationed 3000 miles away. He flew me out to see him again. I was not comfortable with disclosing by phone but felt super guilty that he flew me out and that he might be mad at "wasting" a plane ticket once he found out. At the end of a great 1st day back together I sat him down with a "I need to tell you something". His face dropped and his response was "you don't want to see me anymore do you?" After disclosing he too was relieved and we moved forward with a relationship for a while.
5) Age 38 After a month of dating this guy I sat down to have the talk. He was very relieved; he thought I was going to say I was married (apparently this happened to him once). He was thoughtful about the HSV discussion then said it didn't change his feelings. Next day told me he loved me. We waited a month to have sex. Got engaged a year later. Unfortunately once we got engaged he let loose with all his really bad qualities : ( and I finally had to walk away.
6) Age 40, last week, hit it off with a handsome guy hiding out at a ski resort on Valentines Day like me. For the first time EVER I felt confident and happy to disclose with very little care about the outcome's effect on me. He was blown away and kept commenting on how "amazing, cool, awesome" I am. And how "this feels so real and wonderful to sit here talking to you like this". And "you're amazingly sexy!" Me being honest was a huge turn on for him.
I hope everyone else doesn't have as slow a progression in feeling comfortable and confident in disclosing as I did! It really can be easy!! Wish I figured that out a long time ago.
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@Optimist
Thanks for the stats on oral and HSV, I never really thought about it other than as another risk factor. This is good info to know!
@MakingIt2017
Back in my early days of this a loooong time ago I definitely allowed myself to be okay with at least 2 different partners who were squeamish, (not to mention treated me in ever so subtle but negative ways after I disclosed). NEVER AGAIN. They both did a number on me emotionally. Heck, one went from wanting a serious relationship and taking me out on wonderful dates, then I disclosed and suddenly he wanted lots of booty calls and emotionally disconnected sex and nothing more. Sadly I allowed that for a month before I was like WTF? I still think that was weird because I read about non-H people afraid to move forward sexually because what if the relationship doesn't work out...well this was one was like; you're not relationship material because you have herpes but I'm going to screw you as much as I can. And I think I felt like i had to accept what I got because, you know I was diseased/flawed/damaged. I think I spent all of my 20's in that state of mind. I was even in a 7 year relationship that should have ended years prior but I recall thinking who else will want me. Then having a few great guys being so open and accepting and very much into me sexually I realized I was not "damaged" goods. Now when I disclose I typically give them a "waiting period" to think things over (something I found I have to enforce because they have immediately said "I still want to be with you"! But if after giving a few days to think about it if a guy who accepts me starts having issues with it I now know I would end it immediately. It hasn't happened anymore but I'm in a better place on not letting someone string me along like that.
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@MakingIt2017
In reference to oral sex; for the most part my experience is the men who like giving oral sex still want to (and REALLY want to) and the one's who aren't into it to begin with stay that way. One of my earlier long-term relationships was very willing but I was so squeamish about having herpes after a couple of times I stopped letting him. Another serious relationship was with a guy who wouldn't give oral but it turned out he was a taker not a giver both physically and emotionally and I got out of that one quick. And for the ex-fiancé oral was like his favorite thing in the world- I always wondered how it didn't bother him but he loved doing this.
Oh and need to correct a typo on an inspirational quote I wrote earlier, it should read "sometimes the best way out is through".
Random thought...today was a rough day emotionally. I can't put my finger on it. Its happened a lot the past year. I left an engagement with a narcissist and I know psychologically that takes a lot of healing. I keep feeling like maybe I'm struggling with my age and self esteem though I can't pin point why???? I feel like the women in my family get more attractive with age. I've done some amazing things professionally and I've taken big risks every 4-5 years to leave work and so some amazing things personally. Experienced tons of personal growth in my 30's. Picked myself up several times after relationships with people who were intentionally harmful....lots of reasons to feel good self worth but something is really bothering me. I try to think if its herpes and being single again, but don't think it is. I really think it has to do with turning 40 and being single but just don't know. If anyone has experience with this and can share insight....
Oh I'll add that of the 4 different dates I've been on in the past 2 weeks all have disclosed struggling deeply in some way emotionally and feeling lost (all are late 30's early 40's) so this is another reason I'm wondering about the age component.
I really hope this is not something I'm going to continue to struggle with each passing year. Anyway, its been one of those days....
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@monika:
What you mentioned as feeling like you were moving on from the guy who rejected you and then now feeling like things have gotten worse - those are just "relapses". You inch forward healing and then fall back again- totally natural progression of any kind of healing/recovery process. Remind yourself that emotional relapse is normal during the dark times. I read a couple of things recently that I screenshot with my phone...one says "just when I thought everything was falling apart...it was actually falling together" and "the best went out it thru". Sometimes you have to sit with your pain just a little longer to really get over it.
In reference to some of the other discussion on here, I don't feel like H is a "big deal" in my life (not talking about people with health complications, as I understand it can be). And I regularly meet people who have WAY more serious issues in health, life drama, relationships, legal, etc. that make me feel so sorry and compassionate for them and fortunate I "only" have H.
With that said I don't agree when people try to make it not a big deal to those they disclose to because I feel it is very easy to transmit. Heck you don't even need to have sex. There's a reason people are getting it everyday; its easy to get! In fact every time I disclose I don't tell them the risk is small with condoms or antivirals; I straight out say - "you need to be aware that getting this is a realistic possibility". Often I feel like I have to drive that point home because people can be somewhat in denial or dismissive about it when I disclose so I really want to cover my bases and make sure they don't feel I manipulated the situation. And I think that approach worked in terms of putting the responsibility for deciding to move forward in their hands, because in the 2 situations where I passed it on I felt so horrible and both people were like "don't be, I knew what I was doing when I took that risk" and there were never hard feelings about it.
I mentioned earlier that in 20 years I know I have passed it twice. The first was a relationship in which we used condoms every single time the entire year and then he got it (not on the area protected by the condom of course). The 2nd was my now ex fiancé; he did not want to use condoms ever so I got on Valtrex and 2 years later he got it. So even with precautions, its so passible.
Oh, and @monika; I don't disclose right off the bat (though I admire those who can!) but I usually do after the 2nd or 3rd date when I can tell that the potential for both ME really liking them is there AND them really liking me. I don't want to get more emotionally involved without that disclosure in place- too risky on my heart! I did disclose to the guy at the ski resort within hours of meeting him (mentioned in an earlier post), but it was more experimental; for some reason I was feeling empowered, brave and bold (and sexy too lol). I hope that's a sign of things to come in how I feel when I disclose in the future because I am usually very nervous beforehand. This felt amazing beforehand....weird!
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@monika, sorry to hear your date did not go well. So just to clarify, are you saying the date did not go well and that made you think of your ex? Or you had a disclosure with your date and it didn't go well? If you are referring to having a bad date in general and it making you miss the guy that rejected you I can totally relate. Every time I had a bad date in the last 9-10 months since my broken engagement (either they were jerks, or looked nothing like their photos in a really bad way, or had really poor social skills through the date, etc) I end up feeling miserable and wishing I was with my ex (even though I have really really good reasons to never want this!) and have come super close to trying to reconnect after a bad date. I think its just a knee jerk reaction to that awful feeling of despair after a terrible date when your not quite healed from someone else. Instead of reaching out to my ex (thank god) I keep a bunch of books handy by the bed that I find helpful, just motivational and self help favorites- and grab any one and start reading. And read till that anxiety starts going away.
As for not disclosing, I personally can't do that. And over the past 20 years of having it at least 2 long term relationship partners did get it from me eventually. I can't imagine what that would feel like if I hadn't told him and they went into the relationship willingly- there was enough guilt for me as it was.
I know you are not feeling positive about meeting someone and I definitely go there regularly myself. For me it is rarely if ever about having H because I have found most people are accepting, for me my fears revolve more about how dating options change for women after a certain age (see my original post at top), and just general changes in society about commitment these days (being at an age where lots of people are divorced and wanting nothing to do with settling down again as one example). However, the past few weeks have started to make me more optimistic on the age part. As for societal changes on commitment, I am trying to focus on the stories I hear of people who are finding the "one".
Similar to MakingIt; I'm wondering how long you've had herpes? I know it took me until my 30's, so over a decade to really accept it and not feel H is such as obstacle (but there was so much less support and forums and info back then). We're so lucky to have all this access to support now!
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Well I'm posting again because I'm I had my first successful "talk" since the end of my engagement to the ex! With Valentines day looming and no significant other I wanted to treat myself to something I really enjoy and hide out from all the couples that day lol! I went to a small ski resort a couple of hours away- the snow season has been bad so I figured there wouldn't be many people there, much less valentine's celebrators. At the end of the day I went up to the little bar for a drink and there was a very handsome man (a year younger) sitting there. We started up the usual easy small talk that happens in ski resorts with strangers talking about the day on the mountain. I figured the wife would be coming out of the bathroom any moment.
Anyway, turns out he was single. We hit it off and talked till the bar closed at 7pm. Lots of chemistry and fascinating conversation. Inevitably since we were having so much fun and it was early we wanted it to continue so he invited me to his room. I had a feeling one thing could easily lead to another and I really was not wanting that at this time BUT I really wanted to test out having the talk again- its been 3 years since having to do that when I met the ex. At his room as things got more flirty and we kissed a few times I went ahead and moved forward with the "talk". He fell silent and had a strange look on his face and I was like oh shit brace yourself!! So I said "it looks like you might have some questions or thoughts on this". He replied with, "well... don't a lot of people have this?". That was a great segue into talking about the stats, and he was really curious. I personally have never gotten really into giving stats on it because I feel like I don't want to minimize or try to convince someone, I prefer they then go do their research. But he was very interested in learning more. Then he kept telling me how amazing I am for caring and disclosing. He couldn't get over my "honesty" and found it super attractive!
We talked more about the prospect of getting physical in the future and he was very open to it, including this night but I was adamant that I wasn't about to take the risk outside of a serious relationship without a condom. He was actually bummed about that because where we were there was no chance of finding a condom! He told me how much he enjoyed spending the evening with me and still wanted to spend the night together talking and kissing and cuddling. So we did! I did have to "talk him down" a few times because at one point he was like "I don't care" but I am well aware this was the heat of the moment talking and he thanked me for being the level headed one.
It was a wonderful way to spend my first Valentine's day single. We met up on the mountain a few times the next day and exchanged numbers. Unfortunately I know it won't go anywhere as he is extremely fresh out of a bad divorce/long unhappy marriage and a nightmarish rebound relationship so getting involved with someone on a serious level is the furthest thing on his mind right now and I've learned to protect myself from people who are in that place. But it did give me much needed practice and confidence on having the talk again!
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Hi Phillychick and Second Chances, I came across this posting and relate being in the over 40 category! I even started a thread a few weeks ago wondering if there are success stories for women over 40 with herpes. It sounds like there is if you open your eyes, ignore the negative stories (which is hard, there's so many of them), and keep putting yourself out there. I just had an unexpected successful disclosure on Valentines day that I'm going to post about in that thread. Anyway, I'd love to hear more success stories for us : ), it really inspires me!
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PresentMoment: that's awesome that you did that! I've traveled a lot and I love meeting people spontaneously like that!
So it has been an unexpectedly whirlwind weekend for me on the dating scene. As mentioned earlier I had a date lined up with a 44 year old single father. (I'm doing online dating) well another man contacted me and asked me out the same weekend. His date happened first. He was handsome, a little older than my 10 year age comfortable age range so 53 (puts him at 5 years younger than my dad and 4 younger than my mom!), but I said what the heck. Anyway, we had great physical chemistry and fun during lunch but midway thru it was apparent he was aggressively and assertively trying to move the conversation to something sexual. Lol, I considered dropping the H bomb right there at lunch just to chill him out. Anyway, it was overall a fun date and he messaged me after to say he thinks he's a little to wild for me but just in case "here's my number". I have no idea what would happen if I disclosed but I really am not interested in going forward because other than the chemistry we didn't really relate on anything else.
Then went on my other date last night. He couldn't be more opposite than the first guy. Super serious and intellectual. But I have this side too and we clicked on an intellectual level and our date lasted 4 hours of fascinating conversation. Unfortunately I think he lacks any passionate or relaxed side and I think my free spirited and especially outdoorsy side was not to his taste. Anyway, I would totally spend time with him again but I have a feeling it may not go that way and I wouldn't have any hard feelings.
And the unexpected story of the weekend. I signed up for a social meetup group that was going out latin dancing Saturday night. I was so tired by 8pm and really not feeling social but forced myself to go. A guy showed up in the group and we ended up dancing all night. I mean really dancing latin dancing the way I love to and rarely ever get to. And we didn't leave each other's side when we didn't dance and pretty much were holding hands or linked together physically in some way all evening. I can't tell you how much I miss that feeling of laughing, non-stop smiling, and connectedness. Great conversation too- he's both intellectual and lively! So it is possible to find both qualities in one person! He suggested we get together again and I definitely want to!
Right now I'm not in disclosing mode since and trying not to think about it. Still to fragile to handle a rejection. But I'm definitely reading lots of other success stories to start building up to that again.
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Thanks for the continued supportive comments. My dating life has started to pick up steam online with age appropriate men. Though I went on a couple of dates last week that made me think; whew, I'm glad I only have H to deal with! Isn't it funny when herpes seems miniscule compared to some of the other things life can throw at a person?
@Monika; so sorry you are having to go through the feeling of rejection and repeated uncertainty by this person you cared about. I have on one occasion dealt with someone who was very torn and kept dragging things out; he couldn't let go yet couldn't move forward and I realized it was not good for my emotional health. He tried to reach out a few times down the road but I had met someone else.
@Present Moment; lol I have on occasion entertained a date here and there with the younger men but honestly there's such a huge generation gap I don't usually relate (except when I'm living in the mountains and rural areas with these young guys who still call you up versus text for weeks, pick you up!, take you out fishing and camping and hold doors open etc : )
Well I'll share how my dating experience goes... I have a Sunday date with a 44 year old book-wormish/outdoorsy father of 2 girls and I'm looking forward to it!
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Thanks for the supportive comments. And Lelani thanks for the reminder about having standards. I don't feel I have any outrageous, unrealistic standards and am not looking for perfection in looks, height, job etc but was starting to feel like maybe I need to "take whatever their is"- and if you could see what pops up on my online matches you might want to run. Seriously, I've opened up my messages and just burst into tears. And Optimist thanks for sharing that there are women still able to meet men in their age range. I think that has been the hardest part. I accept that I have herpes and have learned to be comfortable disclosing, but now feeling like I'm in "no man's land" due to age and it has really has left me feeling isolated. I definitely think its the bracket I'm in. I am very active in the community and social groups and I almost never meet anyone single in my age range, male or female. So its a lonely age group overall if you are not paired up. I'm hoping that you're right about things seeming to open up again around age 44. It has been extremely hard on my self worth to get all these messages from men in my dad's age range and barely a look from anyone in their 40's. And it literally happened the moment my birthday came and my profile changed over to 40! I'm trying to stay positive about the future. This is just not where I saw myself.
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I am a female who has had H for all of my adult life. I have been in several long term monogamous relationships with men who didn't have H but eventually they would come to an end (usually men who were not ready to settle down). I finally thought I found the one at 38 (he also did not have H); he was wonderful and we got engaged. After a year of engagement I had to end it because he was not the same person I met at all and was not treating me well. I've now found myself at 40 and single. I've heard so many negative stories from women in their 40's and beyond (and these are women who do not share in our "gift") about basically being ignored by any men in their age range and only being approached, especially online by men a good 15-20+ years older. I recently joined a dating site and after a week this is exactly what I'm experiencing.
It has been challenging enough to date with H all my life (more internally than an actual reality as many of us know) but this new dynamic really scares me. I'd like to hear what other women over 40 have experienced. Do you know anyone who actually found the one at this age and beyond? I know plenty of women who have actually given up. I'm normally an optimistic person but I also want to be realistic so that I'm not wasting my life and time. Thanks for reading.
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Told a new guy I carry the herpes virus
in The herpes talk: disclosing
Posted
WarriorGoddess, wishing you the best on this! Let us know how it turns out....