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LoveTheMountains last won the day on August 12 2018

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  1. I totally agree the with the other posters; No! You do not have to lower your standards! But I get why you may initially feel that way and I think I may have done that myself in my 20's and early 30's. (It took a looong time for me to accept having HSV- ugg, please don't waste as many years as I did, its really not necessary lol!). Accept for the occasional poor judge of character (which usually happens when I'm infatuated with something superficial), I date men (the serious relationships) that I truly like, am attracted to, and feel meet my standards. On a related note I watch single co-workers and friends who presumably don't have HSV date people that the rest of us sit back shaking our heads and wondering what the hell are they thinking??? Gotta learn to love and respect yourself and look for the important qualities that matter!
  2. A few that help me get through hard times: "You can't see around corners" (I'm guilty of thinking that whatever I'm going through is going to last forever) "When you think things are falling apart, they might actually be falling in place" (Or together- heard it two ways) This one below (made more famous in pop culture due to excerpts in the 60's song "turn, turn, turn" by The Byrds is so helpful for me I printed and laminated it on an index card and keep in my purse. It reminds mind that there really is a time for everything. Nothing lasts forever (including the good times too). That a good reminder in life. Helps me accept things more easily. I've found at different times in my life different lines in this quote apply to what I'm dealing with. For example, "a time to mourn, a time to dance"; some of you might relate to the mourning period you needed to go through when you found out you had herpes. And with time you eventually (or will eventually find there's "a time to dance". Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(English Standard Version)For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.
  3. So this is a an older post I started and I like to dredge it up occasionally because I know there are other ladies out there like me that are often wondering the same thing and might benefit from hearing a some positive stories. Plus I've been offline for awhile and thought I"d pop in and see how life is going for us out there : ) I was out of state the last 6 months for a job and did a little bit of casual dating. I did end up having sex with one man. The talk was nothing out of the ordinary. I am finally thinking about more seriously getting into the dating scene again with the goal of meeting someone to spend some real time with and see where it goes. I've stayed away from anything potentially serious for about 2 years getting over a break up (which had nothing to do with H btw). Anyway, unfortunately at this time now I'm dealing with some serious lung issues that have built up in recent years and dr's have not been able to resolve or manage and its become really disruptive of my daily life. This has really put into perspective again the fact that herpes is small potatoes compared to other health or life issues. I am WAY more concerned about this health issues and its impact on my life, and about my prospects of being able to find a relationship due to this new health issue (finding someone who is okay with dealing with someone with a chronic, noticeable illness that could impact "our" daily life). So while this is more than a bit of a bummer in my life right now, I hope others will take away the message that there are bigger issues than having herpes! Hope everyone is doing well out there and would love to hear any updates from anyone!
  4. Your welcome @Brownly, I should add, I dated one man when I was much younger who was very squeamish about it anytime he was with me- whatever we were doing. It wreaked havoc on my self esteem. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten to a place where I was truly accepting of myself back then, if not I'd have cut him off asap. Now a-days I find I have had partners I can't keep off me lol! I love myself and accept myself and I think it makes all the difference in the world!!
  5. Yup, passed it to one long term partner while always using condoms after about a year (no antivirals) and to another after about a year while on antivirals (he did not want to use condoms and was willing to risk it). I am really REALLY up front when I disclose that there is always the possibility the partner can get it regardless off how low the stats are. I am not a fan of using stats to convince someone the risk is low; they can still get it! With that said, my sexual relationships (which are always part of a romantic relationship for me) are only with men who care about me and like me enough to accept the risk as a reality. I also want to have great sex so being with someone who is not comfortable and needs a lot of barriers would not be an option.
  6. I remember back when I believe I got herpes, which was over 20 years ago, I started getting hives-like bumps on my neck, back, legs. They would pop up all of a sudden and be gone minutes to hours later. It went on a few weeks. I will never truly know if it was herpes because I was 16, clueless, no internet back then etc but my guess is it was related. My mom even took me to the dr but was frustrated because by the time we got there the bumps were gone. Over the years occasionally will have several of those bumps pop up on my neck near my chin, they look like mosquito bites and are gone in 10-20 minutes. Back in my late teens I'd also get an itch on my eyelid and once a dr was able to see it (that mosquito bump look) and prescribed an eye ointment. Years later I was reading the ointment bottle when throwing away old medications and it said "for ocular herpes". The dr never even said anything to me about it! My guess is they will subside as your immune system works things out. Hang in there!
  7. @FreeSpiriting @mbx2017 Welcome back to the wonderful world of dating ; ) . While there's lots of ups and downs in the dating I hope you will both get to a place where having H is the least of the issues that you feel you are dealing with! It usually is a bigger deal to us, causing much anxiety and stress to us all while they are thinking about what a great time they are having while were out on a date : ) I still get nervous before a disclosure but its so brief and bothers me very little these days. Just disclosed to a guy I'm working with a few weeks ago because things were leading toward getting intimate (I wrote about it in another post about dating over 40). He totally accepted me and we did end up having sex. Last week I decided I really didn't want to continue having a physical relationship with him (and was under the impression that was primarily what he wanted) because I am planning on moving and I just don't feel like risking transmitting it to him for what is definitely not going to be a long-term relationship. My somewhat cynical self talk was that he'd probably jump at an easy way out lol afterall I have herpes!!! Anyway, much to my surprise was super bummed about my decision and even more bummed that I'm moving. And when I told him no more sex he's now trying to convince me to at least spend time with him platonically because he has grown to really enjoy being with me. Its really sweet and I'll be honest even after all these years (20+) with H it feels wonderful to be reminded that I person can really like me for me. Anyway, point is please don't define yourself by your H status or let it hold you back from having a happy active love life!
  8. Hi there, I've done laser hair removal (legs/bikini) numerous times over the years. According to everything I've read yes it can trigger an outbreak. On the info sheet they gave me at the place I go to it recommends starting antivirals x amount of days prior (can't remember how many). I don't think its ever triggered an actual outbreak just possible prodromals for me.
  9. Funny ! But ya know I think there is something more to be read into that; each one had their own insecurities and fears of rejection - which for them had nothing to do with an STD lol! Just goes to show we are all vulnerable and a little scared inside! : )
  10. Hi Lilly82,My advice is definitely to get a handle on how you disclose AND get to a place of acceptance of yourself; really understand how awesome you are regardless of how a person feels about herpes. Its so important. I'm pasting some text from an old post by another member, it was titled something like "successful disclosures female to male" by "optimist". You might want to find that post (sorry I don't know how to make a link to it here). In the thread several of us discuss our history of disclosures. The reason I'm pasting mine below is because I want you to see the "evolution" of my disclosures and how important it was for me to truly accept myself! Yes, in general most were "successful" in that no one reacted badly but that doesnt' mean my own head was in a good place during many of these heredisclosures. It took me about a decade to get to where I am now w Hope this helps y From other posting: "Just found this older posting and trying to get more proactive and involved in the forums (its therapeutic for me right now lol!) Thought I'd add a list of my disclosure experiences over the years. I've had this a long time but was in a relationship soon after from about age 19 to 27 so I didn't get to start having the talk till then. (I got it back before there was any good info online- heck I looked it up in an encyclopedia when I got it and that little paragraph was the extent of my knowledge for years). This isn't all disclosures but the most significant ones: 1) I was 28. Told the guy on the phone after we had started dating and things were getting serious. I was a tearful emotional mess. He was verbally very comforting and accepting. The next day he invited me over and just held me all day. So that was good. However down the road he proved to be kinda a jerk; cut himself off emotionally but wanted lots of booty calls and I ended it. But I'm thankful for his initial comforting reaction. It helped pave the way forward 2) Age 30 Was not a crying mess but had a very hard time getting the words out so he finally interrupted with "I know what you're going to say; its not you its me...I get it you are not as into me as I am into you...its okay". I burst out laughing and then was like "umm no I have herpes". He was relieved! Accepting. We dated a few months. He was never quite comfortable with sex and that did hurt a lot, plus there were other things I didn't like about his personality so I was relieved when our work took us separate places. 3) Age 31 Disclosed calmly for the first time. Inside I was a wreck because I was totally falling in love with this guy and terrified of rejection. He interpreted my disclosure as me trying to end the budding relationship and he got choked up. When I explained otherwise he was relieved and said he totally wants to be together. I made him wait a few weeks just to make sure. Relationship lasts 4 years. 4) Age 37 This was tricky b/c we met in the state I was living and he was stationed 3000 miles away. He flew me out to see him again. I was not comfortable with disclosing by phone but felt super guilty that he flew me out and that he might be mad at "wasting" a plane ticket once he found out. At the end of a great 1st day back together I sat him down with a "I need to tell you something". His face dropped and his response was "you don't want to see me anymore do you?" After disclosing he too was relieved and we moved forward with a relationship for a while. 5) Age 38 After a month of dating this guy I sat down to have the talk. He was very relieved; he thought I was going to say I was married (apparently this happened to him once). He was thoughtful about the HSV discussion then said it didn't change his feelings. Next day told me he loved me. We waited a month to have sex. Got engaged a year later. Unfortunately once we got engaged he let loose with all his really bad qualities : ( and I finally had to walk away. 6) Age 40, last week, hit it off with a handsome guy hiding out at a ski resort on Valentines Day like me. For the first time EVER I felt confident and happy to disclose with very little care about the outcome's effect on me. He was blown away and kept commenting on how "amazing, cool, awesome" I am. And how "this feels so real and wonderful to sit here talking to you like this". And "you're amazingly sexy!" Me being honest was a huge turn on for him. I hope everyone else doesn't have as slow a progression in feeling comfortable and confident in disclosing as I did! It really can be easy!! Wish I figured that out a long time ago.
  11. Love this story,, thanks for sharing! This is similar to my experiences disclosing once I learned to handle with dignity and maturity : ) And I'm glad that you told him there is still a risk (versus trying to convince him of the low risk), that's something I've found to be very important to my own conscience and something my partners have valued. Good luck to you guys, regardless of what happens you will find it easier and feel much more confident and value yourself more (so important!) if you have to do this in the future.
  12. Hi ladies, Its been awhile since I posted to this thread. Just got on here to tell share a successful disclosure that happened yesterday (and some really good sex - I feel like I'm blushing as I right this lol!). I, had kinda laid low on the dating scene back in March due to realizing I still have quite a few unresolved issues from a break up with someone I was engaged to last year as well a lot going on in my life that was a priority over dating. I'm still dealing with all of this but definitely seeing light at the end of the tunnel and more recently realized I needed to have some fun in my life again. (BTW I had been making time for fun but kept strictly to stuff that did not involve the opposite sex so I could just remove that option from the table). Anyway, a co-worker 10 years younger has been flirting with me for months. Since I was in my "me-time" zone I was really oblivious to his advances until he point blank asked me to hang out. Actually still somewhat oblivious while hanging out until he actually kissed me lol! For the record this is not someone I want to have a serious relationship with due to clear maturity differences and goals/stages we are at in life (I'm not opposed to dating younger men but I'm an old soul to begin with so the differences can be very glaring for me with some guys even my own age). Anyway, he's super hot, fun, funny, intellectual, and we had a great time making out and talking the first night. He wanted to have sex then but I'm not big into first date hookups. We have been talking since and yesterday we got together again and things were clearly going to get steamy. Even though I have finally realized that most if not all of my disclosures are successful on some level, I still get the nervous jitters just before disclosing. I've found that doing it well before things get too heated is so helpful. So as we were talking about whether we should proceed further physically at some point in the future and I said "I want to tell you about something, I've had HSV for over 20 years" . Anyway he listened to me explain my situation. He said he heard it was only passable during an outbreak to which I said that is absolultely not true, told him a little about how it passes (shedding, etc), talked about use of condoms and meds to lower the risk but I insisted he be aware it is still a risk and he could still get it for me. And then kissed me, said he felt so trusting of me now, and said he felt more than ever he wanted to be physical with me and we couldn't stop after that lol. So much for waiting to get intimate in the future! He wants to continue to see each other but in the long run I will be moving and he has his plans too. But this has been really nice I have to say!
  13. Yes, it does get easier every time you disclose!
  14. Hi previous posters...my advice; keep reading and chatting on here, journaling what you're going through right now, talk to someone you trust to disclose to if you have someone like that, or even see a counselor for a few sessions if need be. Basically like any other "trauma" you need to absorb it and process it over and over till the shock, despair, and fear starts to subside. For some that will happen quickly, other's longer. It may sometimes feel like you are stuck in a loop and not making progress but you are. Just making your way to this forum is progress. I promise you there will be a day when you read other newbies postings and can barely remember how awful you felt because this will become such a non-issue in your life.
  15. I was tested for both HSV 1 & 2, both negative (not sure if that's what you're asking?). Its a tough situation. Yes you can choose not to disclose like you're dr. says, however if in your heart you feel like you have reason to think you might have it based on some of the things you listed in your original posting, than the guilty conscience will eat you up and the terrible feeling if you do have it and pass it on may be awful. Maybe you should just give it time...consider having an open and frank conversation with anyone you are intimate with explaining your situation as it stands right now, and down the road take the more expensive test when you can better afford it? Rather than being in a place of limbo that is driving you crazy right now, at least it can put in a place of feeling a little more in control of your situation. Some of my disclosures have followed a similar pattern where the guy will say something to the affect of "so it's possible you DON'T have it then right?" and I'll basically reiterate "BUT its possible that I do have it, and I would rather be up front with you about that so you can make an informed decision that's best for you". This conversation has always lead to a lot of respect and admiration from partners because they know darn well with the situation I'm in (testing negative) that I could justify not disclosing. So I think my prospective partners feel it says a lot about my character.
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