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LoveTheMountains last won the day on November 5

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  1. I'm was just thinking what @Sunshine75 said. I'm in my early 40's and learning that being perimenopause comes with all kinds of health issues due to hormonal changes. I know you said you are 34 but I would not be surprised if hormonal changes are playing some kind of role. For example you mentioned having asthma; I am in the middle of dealing with all kinds of new lung issues that seem like asthma and we have not been able to get under control. I just learned that there is a significant increase in asthma and copd symptoms or new onset of asthma and copd in women (who have never smoked) once they hit perimonopause! (Same thing before each period and at puberty for women). I know that I almost always get prodromal symptoms (talking about H again) before each period. I hope you can find some relief!
  2. Yay progress! Congratulations on taking that step! It will only get better!
  3. OOPS! My post above went through before I was done and I couldn't edit it. Here is the full post: Please don't feel you need to stay with that person and please don't stay! I was not with the person who gave it to me when I found out but over the course of my dating life early on I stayed in a few relationships far longer than I should have because of feeling like no one else would want me and fear of disclosing. A couple of them were very emotionally abusive men and (at 41 years old) am still dealing with the emotional scars of things they said to me. A couple of other relationships were not abusive but were with guys that really kinda of losers for lack of a better word and I kept staying out of that old fear again. At some point in my mid-thirties I FINALLY fully realized my worth as a human being and if a person isn't good for me (or good for themselves) I get out asap. Unfortunately there are a lot of unhealthy people out there in the dating pool; people dealing with anger issues, substance issues, immaturity, people who were just never raised to know how to be a good partner and aren't really trying to learn how. Its not your job to fix them/teach them and its not their job to save you from growing and learning to love yourself fully. AND there are good people out there, they are just harder to find. Sometimes I think the reason they are harder to find is to force us to go through personal growth and do the work we need to do first. I'm sure I've had to work thru a number of my own issues in order to be a good partner as well.
  4. Please don't feel you need to stay with that person and please don't stay! I was not with the person who gave it to me when I found out but over the course of my dating life early on I stayed in a few relationships far longer than I should have because of feeling like no one else would want me and fear of disclosing. A couple of them were very emotionally abusive men and (at 41 years old) am still dealing with the emotional scars of things they said to me. A couple of other relationships were not abusive but were with guys that really kinda of losers for lack of a better word and I kept staying out of that old fear again. At some point in my mid-thirties I FINALLY
  5. @Jasmine10 Here is a link to an older topic I replied in. In it I outlined my major dating/disclosure experiences over the last 2 decades and you can kinda see my progression with self acceptance and confidence. You can also see some of the pitfalls of not having that (like dating men who weren't good for me b/c I didn't love myself enough at the time). Hope its helpful!
  6. I've had long stints between being on here and just noticed 2 questions directed at me! Sorry for the late reply! @Brownly Our sex frequency was probably typical of relationships; very frequent daily in the beginning....tapering off over the course of the 2+ years together. When he got it I think we were probably having sex about once a month. He wasn't being very nice to me at that point in our relationship so he wasn't getting it much! @Jasmine10 Lol unfortunately coming to the point of loving and accepting myself took a looooong time. Like 2 decades. I've written about this elsewhere...I'll try to find it and link to it. I got HSV at age 16 just before the dawn of the internet (haha that really dates me). I literally looked it up in the Encyclopedia and so the extent of my knowledge about HSV for many years was based on a short paragraph and nothing more. No support groups, no questions answered. And I was too young and terrified to talk to a dr. If I had access to something like this site back then I know it would have given me years of peace of mind so much earlier that I can't get back now. I'm in my early 40's now. Honestly some of this confidence and acceptance is actually a bi-product of age! But that's overall confidence. As for acceptance of HSV all I can say is really dive into the forums to remind yourself you are not alone (I can't tell you how alone I felt all those years). If you haven't already, go to school or get a career you are proud of and thrive in (BUT don't lose yourself in your work just to hide from dealing with this issue; I definitely did a lot of that). Travel!!!! I love travel and all the experiences its given me. Ironically not accepting H launched me into lots of traveling too, it was my way of avoiding relationships I think. And gave me the excuse with friends and family of why I hadn't settled down...can't...I'm traveling! So my reasons for traveling initially were a cop-out "running away", but I'm recommending travel because it is an amazing education in itself and reminds you that things out there are so much bigger than you and herpes. Overall find ways to be happy and vivacious about life. Luckily I had that quality already, I just had to learn to keep the H part of my life from sending me on a downward spiral. People just find that vivaciousness sexy and want to be near that; hence the "can't keep them off me" comment lol. On a related side note though, don't get me wrong, I feel like at times it can be harder than ever these days to get things started with a man but I really blame that on our technologically dependent lifestyles these days. (There's stuff that's been written about this lately); people are just more hesitant to flirt and start up a conversation in the real world because everyone's gotten so used to online dating and social media. With that in mind, that's how the happy/vivacious personality helps; people gravitate to that in this day and age of heads- down- looking- at- our -phones!
  7. Your welcome! I'm sure they'll diminish over time and as you get your stress levels down and also as your body builds immunity!
  8. Oh crap I forgot I wanted to add this too. You mentioned your wish to have a loving husband/family. I have watched and continue to see women/men find their "one" at every stage in life. Yes, the window of actually birthing of a biological child does have limits but I'm seeing women who longed for that still find contentment and blissful relationships long after the traditional years that we think its supposed to happen. In fact I'm hearing stories more and more often from people who are finding their more suitable match after "mid-life" these days because they feel they "know themselves better" or "have worked through my issues and can truly be a good partner now". I'm an avid reader of science and social science and big believer in using books to get you through the dark nights (literally- those nights when the mind is just spiraling). Here's a few books I reccomend: LOVE AGAIN BY EVE PELL; numerous stories of people finding love late in life (some after being widowed, some who put careers first, some who were always unlucky in love in the past. Very inspirational when you are feeling low about the future of your lovelife) THE TELOMORE EFFECT: fascinating book with practical info! Quote: "In the book “The Telomere Effect: A Revolutionary Approach to Living Younger, Healthier, Longer,” Nobel Prize-winning molecular biologist Elizabeth Blackburn, who was part of a team that discovered how telomeres protect the chromosome, and health psychologist Elissa Epel claim that specific practices including eating well, sleeping well and a positive frame of mind “can help reduce chronic disease and improve wellbeing, all the way down to our cells and all the way through our lives.” SUPERBETTER: "Quote" "In 2009, internationally renowned game designer Jane McGonigal suffered a severe concussion. Unable to think clearly or work or even get out of bed, she became anxious and depressed, even suicidal. But rather than let herself sink further, she decided to get better by doing what she does best: she turned her recovery process into a resilience-building game. What started as a simple motivational exercise quickly became a set of rules for “post-traumatic growth” that she shared on her blog. These rules led to a digital game and a major research study with the National Institutes of Health. Today nearly half a million people have played SuperBetter to get stronger, happier, and healthier." Want a little more random evidence of people finding partners late in life? Wedding planners and all the related jobs (photographers, dress designers, etc" are starting to retool and rethink their marketing strategies, dress designs, etc. because so many people are marrying late in life or marrying again late in life and the wedding industry was traditionally targeted for a much younger cohort. But again, right now I think you really gotta just focus on your health and getting to a state of internal happiness right now. One last piece of advice on how to get there, find something you truly love and dive into it (as a distraction initially : ). For me, it's been getting back to my love of dance. For other friends its hiking, marathon running, painting. Something that you can look forward to once or more times a week. If I think of anything more I'll let you know! Best wishes to you!!!
  9. Hi there, long response here but I hope some of it will be useful. I couldn't help but notice you mentioned being in your 40's. I too and in my 40's and it is a game changer in terms of health. Almost everyone I know from their mid 30's on (and I assume most of them do NOT have herpes) are already going through or starting to go through all kinds of major changes is their health. Many that you have listed. Many that you have not. Most seem to have a common denominator in that they all relate to inflammatory responses and hormonal changes in the body. One thing I've noticed on herpes websites is that people often want to connect every physical symptom they have to herpes. I mean it is and it isn't. It IS in the sense that the body/immune system is all connected. But we have to bare in mind that human beings are bundles of interactions of nerves and germs and chemistry and environment and mind etc etc etc. Now compound that with age related decline with mental health (you mentioned depression) and your body is working overtime. What I personally am finding as well as my peers in my age group is that we are having to reevaluate everything about our lives and lifestyles (diets, exercise, bad habits, even career choices) and think about it in context of our health and many of us are overhauling our lives to address these changes. Heck, I have friends who are parents of young adults whose lives are so dysfunctional that its physically impacting my friends' (plural!) health and many of them are having to learn to detach from what's going on with their kids in order to gain control of their own suffering health. The mind-body connection is a fascinating and very real thing. Anyway back to aging; I have vague memories of seeing my parents go through something like this in their own way (and they did not have access to the kinds of detailed health and science information that we have now). I remember my dad in his late 30's and early 40's musing about how your body starts to "betray" you in all kinds of ways. I had no idea what he meant; now I get it! My suggestion is take a multi-pronged approach to your health and well being because there is likely no one silver bullet solution. Now may not be the time to focus on sex and marriage (or dwelling on what you feel is the hopelessness of it either). I personally am putting that stuff on the back burner right now due to major health changes in my life. I'm dealing with sudden and drastic lung functioning issues. And yup, at first in the back of my mind I was thinking herpes was the culprit. Turns out asthma, COPD, and a whole host of lung decline occurs in a percentage of women with no history of smoking, around their 40's. Its all part of the body's hormonal changes and age related decline. I come in contact with many people who reject the idea that their health issues could be age related. That's because we live in a day and age where we believe we are "supposed" to look and feel a certain way. Regardless of what we think or the media tells us, human beings peak biologically in just about every physical area (respiratory strength, muscle mass, hydration, reproductive systems, bone mass, etc) by their late 20's. We're designed that way. It's modern medicine and lifestyle changes that has extended our life spans and functioning beyond what our body has evolved to handle. So I think its important to both look at health and lifestyle as well as gain some healthy level of acceptance that your health is also evolving in ways that may not be related to herpes at all. Acceptance (of herpes, one's mortality, limitations, etc) is vital for good mental health; and that will affect your physical health too.
  10. Hi there, I wrote about this somewhere else on this forum in response to a similar question from someone dealing with rash. A few weeks or month or so after catching H I started getting random rashes pop up; first my skin would itch then bumps that would look like welts or mosquito bites would pop up. They'd usually go away a few hours and then pop up somewhere else. I was getting them on the backs of my legs, back, stomach, and neck/chin area. I was 16 at the time and this was a loooong time ago before internet so I was afraid to tell anyone I thought it was herpes. My mom did take me to the dr at one point when the rash popped up but of course it was gone when we got there. Over the years it occurred far less frequently, mostly it happened for about a month if I recall, then tapered to very rarely. And I'm certain its related to herpes. Also it only pops up when I stressing out really badly, though even then that's rare, so its like an instant signal to calm down. Don't get yourself worked up about HIV (get tested of course to rule it out if you haven't- you'll feel so much better!). If you do a lot of medical reading you'll find so much overlap in symptoms of HIV and practically every other disease. Think about it; the body reacts in a pretty typical way to foreign invaders and other sickness (allergies, HSV, HIV, flu, etc etc...) it typically reacts with inflammatory responses which include things like rashes, swollen lymph nodes, chills, etc. My guess is in the first few months after contracting it your body is going through a host of battle responses to beat it back and build up immunity, and the rashes are likely part of that. I have a really bizarre "oh no I have HIV" example: years ago I suddenly found I had brown spots on the top of my right hand between my thumb and first finger. I started googling on medical sites; yup, I just knew it was HIV related cancer from everything I read. Then I randomly came across a forum where everyone had the same spots between thumb and index on one hand; almost all of them got it the same exact way; making margaritas beside their pool (wth ??????). Turns out when you squeeze limes the juice tends to splatter out on to your hand between your thumb and index finger. It reacts with the sun creating temporary discoloration. The previous day I had made fajitas for a party on my patio and was squeezing limes over the grilling meat...out in the sun. LOL! My point is don't panic. I truly wouldn't be surprised if your rash is herpes related.
  11. I totally agree the with the other posters; No! You do not have to lower your standards! But I get why you may initially feel that way and I think I may have done that myself in my 20's and early 30's. (It took a looong time for me to accept having HSV- ugg, please don't waste as many years as I did, its really not necessary lol!). Accept for the occasional poor judge of character (which usually happens when I'm infatuated with something superficial), I date men (the serious relationships) that I truly like, am attracted to, and feel meet my standards. On a related note I watch single co-workers and friends who presumably don't have HSV date people that the rest of us sit back shaking our heads and wondering what the hell are they thinking??? Gotta learn to love and respect yourself and look for the important qualities that matter!
  12. A few that help me get through hard times: "You can't see around corners" (I'm guilty of thinking that whatever I'm going through is going to last forever) "When you think things are falling apart, they might actually be falling in place" (Or together- heard it two ways) This one below (made more famous in pop culture due to excerpts in the 60's song "turn, turn, turn" by The Byrds is so helpful for me I printed and laminated it on an index card and keep in my purse. It reminds mind that there really is a time for everything. Nothing lasts forever (including the good times too). That a good reminder in life. Helps me accept things more easily. I've found at different times in my life different lines in this quote apply to what I'm dealing with. For example, "a time to mourn, a time to dance"; some of you might relate to the mourning period you needed to go through when you found out you had herpes. And with time you eventually (or will eventually find there's "a time to dance". Ecclesiastes 3:1-8(English Standard Version)For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:a time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;a time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;a time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;a time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away;a time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.
  13. So this is a an older post I started and I like to dredge it up occasionally because I know there are other ladies out there like me that are often wondering the same thing and might benefit from hearing a some positive stories. Plus I've been offline for awhile and thought I"d pop in and see how life is going for us out there : ) I was out of state the last 6 months for a job and did a little bit of casual dating. I did end up having sex with one man. The talk was nothing out of the ordinary. I am finally thinking about more seriously getting into the dating scene again with the goal of meeting someone to spend some real time with and see where it goes. I've stayed away from anything potentially serious for about 2 years getting over a break up (which had nothing to do with H btw). Anyway, unfortunately at this time now I'm dealing with some serious lung issues that have built up in recent years and dr's have not been able to resolve or manage and its become really disruptive of my daily life. This has really put into perspective again the fact that herpes is small potatoes compared to other health or life issues. I am WAY more concerned about this health issues and its impact on my life, and about my prospects of being able to find a relationship due to this new health issue (finding someone who is okay with dealing with someone with a chronic, noticeable illness that could impact "our" daily life). So while this is more than a bit of a bummer in my life right now, I hope others will take away the message that there are bigger issues than having herpes! Hope everyone is doing well out there and would love to hear any updates from anyone!
  14. Your welcome @Brownly, I should add, I dated one man when I was much younger who was very squeamish about it anytime he was with me- whatever we were doing. It wreaked havoc on my self esteem. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten to a place where I was truly accepting of myself back then, if not I'd have cut him off asap. Now a-days I find I have had partners I can't keep off me lol! I love myself and accept myself and I think it makes all the difference in the world!!
  15. Yup, passed it to one long term partner while always using condoms after about a year (no antivirals) and to another after about a year while on antivirals (he did not want to use condoms and was willing to risk it). I am really REALLY up front when I disclose that there is always the possibility the partner can get it regardless off how low the stats are. I am not a fan of using stats to convince someone the risk is low; they can still get it! With that said, my sexual relationships (which are always part of a romantic relationship for me) are only with men who care about me and like me enough to accept the risk as a reality. I also want to have great sex so being with someone who is not comfortable and needs a lot of barriers would not be an option.
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