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LoveTheMountains last won the day on February 17

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  1. @Jasmine10 Yay! So glad to read your post and see you are making progress in accepting your diagnosis and moving forward and finding happiness! Yes it comes in fits and starts. You'll feel good then the prospect of telling someone will send you into a tail spin. Just keep moving forward. I've actually written on here about using comedy to jump start me out of my depression. Only I binge on SNL clips on youtube for my "hit" lol. Other things I recommend: hiking, joining meetup groups, taking myself out to dinner and eating at the bar (where I almost always end up having a fun conversation with someone). Basically get out of the house and do something to feel human and connected with the world again instead of getting stuck inside your head. Glad you are doing so as well!! PS I'm getting ready to disclose probably this week. I am suddenly getting little freak out moments. Then I will find myself laughing at myself in disbelief b/c I am so comfortable with this. I know it is because I really like him and yes it will hurt a little if this situation is not for him, but I know I am awesome and it will not be the end of me by no means.
  2. I don't know if this info will make it better or worse for you. My H is something of an enigma. I 100% believe I have had it since I was 16. I was with a guy one time. Found out he had H after. I wasn't stressed because I really didn't know all that much about it and this was pre-internet days so no easy access to info, plus I was a teenager self absorbed with my life so didn't give it too much thought other than to get rid of the guy. (In other words I don't feel I was being a hypochondriac). A week later, insane genital itching and bumps. Over the next few months itchy welts on my chin/neck/back of legs that would come and go. Some time over the year 1 itchy red welt on m eyelid. Dr. prescribed an ointment but told me nothing. Years later I was reading the package and it said for ocular herpes. Started getting cold sores in those early years. Never went to the dr bc I just was oblivious and was now insanely busy plus in serious relationship. Plus all the common place knowledge on herpes from my day was "you just live with it and don't have sex when you have outbreaks". Late 20's: Occassional outbreaks over those years. Lots of prodromols. I was single again, now lots of info online and figured I needed to find out my HSV type. Dr. said no point in doing a blood test without an outbreak to swab, herpes was "so common" and a positive blood test wouldn't sayit was genital and not worth the stress people go through bc some many people have it. so I took her word and said ok. Early 30's; always told partners I have herpes. They never questioned for actual test results. Got a long term relationship and in our 4th year he said he had a bump near the base of his penis, he was too inhibited to show me. And again we were both practical people who were just like ok we both have herpes, get on with life. Over the years he'd occasionally get a bump again and itd go away. Mid 30's now in another long-term relationship. Disclosed to that who wanted actual proof I had it (kinda weird bc he totally wanted to be with me but wanted the official papers to go with it lol). Did HSV 1, 2, and HPV test. all negative! I don't know what kind of test it was. I basically told him I believed it was a false negative; I mean I've had outbreaks, prodromols etc! Went on antivirals bc he didn't want to use condoms ever. 4 years later he had some itching and small bump at the head of his penis. We assumed that yes, he finally got it from me. Our relationship eventually ended for other reasons. Hit my 40's, did a bunch of blood tests recently due to other health issues. Asked for HSv/HPV test just for the hell of it. All negative! My test info does not have any numbers like I read on here so I can't speak to that. I tried to argue with my dr about false negatives but she is very intimidating and basically cut me off saying "this proves you don't have it" and shut down the conversation At the end of the day, I know I have to have it. Outbreaks, prodromols, definite classic triggers (chocolate, nuts, stress), and 2 people who appear to have contracted it from me. I'd like to take the western blot but not interested in paying for something that I know I have. And I've read other people's stories on here who are in the same boat. So I just live my life as if I do and always tell my partners. I couldn't in good conscience say I don't have it bc I know I do.
  3. @Loving Husband Oh your post just makes me so sad. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I think there's something much deeper for her about this and it may not be fixable for her even with your help. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life in that situation because both parties have to be willing to work on this and it sounds like you are already becoming aware that she is not. But I'm sure you will stick with this for as long as you feel you need to. I don't know, I hope someone else on here has some wiser words for you than I can provide. I'm a bit older than you and as I've written in other posts, I worked in an end-of-life field where I got to see what the dying are thinking about and regretting so I am hyper aware that life is too short to be wasted. Just my too cents.
  4. @no_joyride To the best of my knowledge I'm not getting classic outbreaks. I never had a huge problem with outbreaks too much after the initial but like I said prodromols were like a permanent thing for me for a very long time. I have talked about this elsewhere, sometimes when really stressed I would get a sudden itchy red welt/welts on my chin area that would go away within a few minutes. Those started with the initial infection so I've always attributed that to H. I've seen other people on here talk about it too. Also last year I got teenie tiny hard bump like a little bigger than a grain of sand that stayed a couple of months then disappeared. That happened at least one other time in my life. Someone else on here describe the same exact thing so I assume that was from H. Also I've only been on antivirals when I was in a long term relationship.
  5. Right @Fmals. I personally am not a hippy or new agey person at all so my input is coming from a pretty practical and science driven person lol. There's definitely a connection between mind and body. I'm currently trying this approach with some serious lung issues I'm dealing with. Unfortunately I'm not confident it will work as there appears to be some actual physical damage/scarring in my lungs versus say simple asthma that might have the potential to be impacted by stress. But I'm trying anyway. Even a little relief will be most welcome. Also its way way way harder to ignore not being able to breath or pain with each breath than to ignore prodromals so I'm not being very successful at not caring/ignoring it. : (
  6. Yah really, that's what I did. I'm not saying it will work for everyone and I can't say exactly how it worked for me, other than that we truly know stress is a trigger so if I stopped caring about it I must have stopped stressing about it and at some point my body could heal???? I was so exhausted by thinking about it all the time. It took over my life it seemed. I don't remember how it played out exactly but I probably just broke down in tears and just said "enough" . Like I gave up in a way. This phenomena is also frequently talked about by recovering alcoholics in AA. My dad was a recovering alcoholic and many talk about fighting their addiction for years, trying everything under the sun, then just breaking down and giving up, hence the first step in AA "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". I used to read the literature from those meetings (also had a ex who was alcoholic so exposed to a lot of AA stuff) and read lots of stories of people who feel they got to a point where they were exhausted by the battle of wills with alcohol and once they "gave up" they felt a sudden change in their addiction/compulsion to drink. So yes I'd have non-stop tingles and just general feeling that things weren't "right" down there. Back then I think I just dove into a ton of hiking and walking, learning to identify the plants in my area. That's what I was into so it was easy. These days I feel like I've developed some quicker at home tricks when stress hits me. The most common being reading and having a marathon hour of watching SNL skits or anything really funny. Hope this helps.
  7. For me its prodromals before periods and when stressed. very rarely get stressed enough to bring them on anymore. Interestingly I was stressing about prodromols usually! About 10 years ago I literally got fed up with perpetual prodromols and stressing about it and decided I didn't give a damn if I had them every day the rest of my life I was tired of it preoccupying my mind. I just started ignoring the sensation and got busy with my life. I wasn't dating at all so that helped b/c I probably wouldn't have stopped thinking about it. I don't know when but at some point I realized it had all stopped. Over the years I've fallen into the same patterns again but then I'll remember to just not give a damn again and that seems to be the trick for me. Periods are still sometimes problematic. Not as much though. But periods negatively affect so many different aspects of my health and life. Honestly can't wait till I'm done with them.
  8. @no_joyride This is another one you should read. A couple of of list some of our history of disclosing. My history in particular shows a clear pattern of how I sloooowly improved and got to the place where I'm at today. A lot of the women on that post are in their 40's. https://forums.herpesopportunity.com/topic/6001-successful-online-dating-herpes-disclosures-female-to-male/page/2/
  9. I agree, I'd have a big problem with the way he said it. I have a feeling a few guys I've dated struggled for the same reasons but they were tactful to never say it in that manner. And ultimately its hard if not impossible for it to work with someone who isn't all in. Its a risk for sure, and its not for everyone. But there are so many happy discordant couples (I think that's the word for + and - couples) out there that with the right person it doesn't matter when steps are taken to reduce the risk.
  10. @no_joyride Hi again, back to add some more. Check out this link where I posted twice in. You talked about rolling outbreaks; in it I talk about health stuff. And you talk about thinking no one will want you; I wrote some stuff about that. Both are pretty long lol bc I wrote a lot!
  11. @no_joyride Well, hard to say exactly because each is a little different but for the most part it is probably similar to how a lot of people on here disclose. I think some people have written down verbatim and posted it. Like everyone says, don't be dramatic and a tearful mess, that scares people. But honestly many of my early disclosures were that way because I simply didn't have the practice. If I could go back in time I'd just start disclosing away on casual dates that I wasn't that interested in just for the shear practice! I feel like its the repetition (and realizing most men weren't horrified that helped me get better). Also I used to have such awful buildup of anxiety before disclosing. Actually I will probably be disclosing to someone new this week. We had two awesome dates. I usually disclose around date 3, at least that's become my pattern. My reason is because 1) I want to see if I even like the person enough to the time to talk about this (usually by date 2 or 3 I know if I ever want to see the person anymore. Date 1 I don't count as far as judging how I feel about the person because 9 times out of 10 the men I've gone out with spend the date with awkward and sometimes obnoxious bragging and non-stop talk about themselves lol! I know its usually just due to nervousness! By date 3 if we have some chemistry we're usually much more comfortable and I can tell if I'd like to see the guy more. 2) I need to get a gauge on whether I feel I can trust this man with my very personal information. Anyway I will update how it goes. He has some very stressful life issues going on that he disclosed to me on day one because he wanted to make sure he wasn't "wasting my time". Because of that I actually wanted to disclose by date 2 as a way of being mutually open as I think he is seeing himself as a bit undesirable right now. But since he seemed stressed on date 1 and we were having so much fun on date 2 I figured we needed to just have that day to be carefree. My biggest concern with my disclosure is I do not want to add to his problems (not health related) with the potential of passing this on. So I think worse case scenario is we will determine it may be best to just take things slow and be friends if it is just too much. I will write some more about your question soon...headed out at the moment. Hang in there and maybe just try getting out there and casually dating. I'm finding there are definitely men out there in our age range who are just wanting to connect with a human being, go out and have a nice conversation over dinner etc (the mid 30's to 50's are actually considered very lonely years in western culture...whole other conversation).
  12. BTW I'm in my 40's now and feel way sexier and more vibrant than ever! It really is a surprise to me. I did not expect this.
  13. Hi there, I've posted in a few places that might relate to your question. I don't think I wrote about it in terms of getting my "sexy back" lol but in some ways I guess that's what it was! Trying doing a search for threads that I posted in to read more. I'd link them here but its late and I'm headed to bed. I guess if I could sum it up I essentially got tired of "hiding behind my shame" and just got busy living again, and got more opportunities to disclose, and in the process I discovered whoa men still liked me- a lot. And not just for sex, but liked spending time with me. Realized I wasn't damaged goods. Realized disclosure was often a "turn on" for many of them and lead to more intimacy (something that many others on the forums have also found).
  14. @Jasmine10 You're welcome. Hang in there. Never stop working on your mental health and also never stop "living life" either. If there's another thing I've learned over time, everytime you think you've got life figured out and things are going good things change again. We're always in a state of flux. Just keep pushing through! I have been coming back here periodically not bc of H but bc I'm dealing with some unrelated and more serious health issues that have started up in my life and are bringing me down emotionally. Coming to this site and seeing if I can help anyone deal with H (which is a small potatoes to me) helps take my mind off my other health issues and its greatly needed right now! In other news...I've had 3 different dates with 3 men in the past few weeks lol! All very nice. One was from a brief online dating attempt I did a couple months ago before I got too busy. Another was a past coworker that we only recently found out about our mutual attraction. And the other was at a place I get my vehicle worked on repeatedly- I've spend enough money there, someone better take me out to lunch lol! I wasn't really expecting any of this as I have been focused on other things. But its been a nice distraction too. I'm starting to feel a spark with one of them and we are going to go out this week again. I think I'm going to have the talk then bc he revealed some major issues going on in his life on our first date that he wanted me to know about. I tend to be a 3rd date "discloser" for some reason. But I know he was extremely nervous and brave to discuss his situation with me so I feel I owe the same sooner. I thought about doing it our first date when he opened up to me but also thought weirdly I didn't want to "steal the show" since he really needed to talk. Anyway my whole point about these dates ties to my statement earlier about living life. I know I'm dealing with other crap right now but I'll be damned if I'm not going to get out there and enjoy someone's company bc life is too short.
  15. I'm was just thinking what @Sunshine75 said. I'm in my early 40's and learning that being perimenopause comes with all kinds of health issues due to hormonal changes. I know you said you are 34 but I would not be surprised if hormonal changes are playing some kind of role. For example you mentioned having asthma; I am in the middle of dealing with all kinds of new lung issues that seem like asthma and we have not been able to get under control. I just learned that there is a significant increase in asthma and copd symptoms or new onset of asthma and copd in women (who have never smoked) once they hit perimonopause! (Same thing before each period and at puberty for women). I know that I almost always get prodromal symptoms (talking about H again) before each period. I hope you can find some relief!
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