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LoveTheMountains last won the day on February 17 2020

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  1. Hi there, I'm sharing links to two threads I posted in (hopefully I attached them right). One details my disclosure history and results (and it shows the progression over the years of how I accepted myself and it got easier) and the other is about when some of us choose to disclose. Maybe you will find something helpful. Early on I tried H dating sites, I was not at all happy with the type of people and responses I got, it seemed like it was just men looking for a quick hook up with the expectations that didn't have to use condoms!! I never went on a single date off those sites because everyone was so direct and often crude from the first time they messaged me! I was terrified and felt shameful when I ventured into regular online but immediately noticed the better quality interactions. I have had relationships come of both online and organically meeting. I would recommend trying online with the intentions of just enjoying the dates for now (no pressure). Get to feel comfortable in your skin and notice how awesome your dates think you are (because you are!) When to disclose?? - The herpes talk: disclosing - H Opp Forums (herpesopportunity.com)
  2. Thank you for your very honest and candid posting! I feel the same way and have expressed that here in the past. I very much agree with not downplaying the chances of transmission with potential partners and personally don't use statistics when explaining because I think people want to believe it won't happen to them. In fact I've had partners who go on to do their own research and tell me how the transmission rate is very low and I always make sure to tell them that they can get this at any time, that it is always going to be a risk. I believe I've passed it twice in long term relationships; one of which we always used a condom (I also discuss this and it does have a sobering affect on the person I'm talking to). So I always want partners to have a realistic idea of what they are getting into, or at minimum, I don't want to play a part in minimalizing the risk. I have had very little in terms of rejection but I also take my time in dating a person first and that leads to bonds and trust so I think that helps. I also feel that once I hit my mid 30's the men I've dated have a different mindset about what's important in the big scheme of things, I know I do!
  3. Hi there, so I usually disclose somewhere from date 2 to 3 depending on how its going, how I feel about the person (date 4 if I'm really needing to figure out what I think of this person). It is important to me to see if I feel I can trust the person enough to disclose but also do I even like them?? Its not just about them accepting me, its whether I like them enough to want to spend the time/energy having the talk. I've never had a person get upset that I didn't tell them in advance of meeting (not that it can't happen). I think many/most reasonable people understand why a person would wait a little bit before disclosing. With that said I also don't want to waste anyone's time if it might be a deal breaker so I do believe in doing it sooner rather than later. I did have one situation where I met someone who was on vacation in my town and we had a whirlwind weeklong romance (dating, site seeing, not sexual) and really connected and I was always under the impression it would not be more and I'd never see him again. Then he left and asked to keep in touch and we had a 2 month separation due to his job before we could physically see each other again. That one was hard to decide how to disclose, for me it was way too soon to disclose as I barely met him, however we became very close during the long distance part so I was riddled with internal guilt for waiting until we saw each other again (more guilt compounded by the fact that he was flying me out to his state to see him). But I knew I wanted this to be an in person conversation and I mentally prepared myself for him to be angry for "investing" the emotional time getting to know me. I also was prepared to pay him for the flight he purchased in case it went really bad. It all went amazing and he ended up telling me he felt like it was a "near miss"; that it scared him to think that I might have just backed out of the whole thing and ended the relationship instead of risking flying out to see him and have the conversation.
  4. @Jasmine10 whoops its been a long time since I signed on so sorry for the late reply Jasmine....well good and bad news on your question. That disclosure went very well (back in January lol). We were on a 3rd or 4th date at a very nice dinner and I decided to tell him there (usually I do it in a private place but after our last date the goodnight kiss was becoming a bit hot and heavy and I didn't wanted to have this discussion before we got in that situation again). He was surprised and then said he didn't want to let it stop him from getting to know me. By the end of dinner he just couldn't stop gushing about how happy he has been since meeting me. It quickly turned into a serious relationship, great sex and all, but the bad news is we started butting heads about some important issues and several months later we ended the relationship. I was sad at the time but am now very glad about it. BUT.... I just had a disclosure a few days ago on a 2nd date with a new guy. He also was surprised and asked a few questions and that was it. Then scooped me up in his arms and we had our first make out session. I'm not sure if this one will continue much longer, there's some big lifestyle differences and I think I'm in very different place in my life than him but it is fun having some company right now. We have not had sex but he wants to.
  5. @Jasmine10 Yay! So glad to read your post and see you are making progress in accepting your diagnosis and moving forward and finding happiness! Yes it comes in fits and starts. You'll feel good then the prospect of telling someone will send you into a tail spin. Just keep moving forward. I've actually written on here about using comedy to jump start me out of my depression. Only I binge on SNL clips on youtube for my "hit" lol. Other things I recommend: hiking, joining meetup groups, taking myself out to dinner and eating at the bar (where I almost always end up having a fun conversation with someone). Basically get out of the house and do something to feel human and connected with the world again instead of getting stuck inside your head. Glad you are doing so as well!! PS I'm getting ready to disclose probably this week. I am suddenly getting little freak out moments. Then I will find myself laughing at myself in disbelief b/c I am so comfortable with this. I know it is because I really like him and yes it will hurt a little if this situation is not for him, but I know I am awesome and it will not be the end of me by no means.
  6. I don't know if this info will make it better or worse for you. My H is something of an enigma. I 100% believe I have had it since I was 16. I was with a guy one time. Found out he had H after. I wasn't stressed because I really didn't know all that much about it and this was pre-internet days so no easy access to info, plus I was a teenager self absorbed with my life so didn't give it too much thought other than to get rid of the guy. (In other words I don't feel I was being a hypochondriac). A week later, insane genital itching and bumps. Over the next few months itchy welts on my chin/neck/back of legs that would come and go. Some time over the year 1 itchy red welt on m eyelid. Dr. prescribed an ointment but told me nothing. Years later I was reading the package and it said for ocular herpes. Started getting cold sores in those early years. Never went to the dr bc I just was oblivious and was now insanely busy plus in serious relationship. Plus all the common place knowledge on herpes from my day was "you just live with it and don't have sex when you have outbreaks". Late 20's: Occassional outbreaks over those years. Lots of prodromols. I was single again, now lots of info online and figured I needed to find out my HSV type. Dr. said no point in doing a blood test without an outbreak to swab, herpes was "so common" and a positive blood test wouldn't sayit was genital and not worth the stress people go through bc some many people have it. so I took her word and said ok. Early 30's; always told partners I have herpes. They never questioned for actual test results. Got a long term relationship and in our 4th year he said he had a bump near the base of his penis, he was too inhibited to show me. And again we were both practical people who were just like ok we both have herpes, get on with life. Over the years he'd occasionally get a bump again and itd go away. Mid 30's now in another long-term relationship. Disclosed to that who wanted actual proof I had it (kinda weird bc he totally wanted to be with me but wanted the official papers to go with it lol). Did HSV 1, 2, and HPV test. all negative! I don't know what kind of test it was. I basically told him I believed it was a false negative; I mean I've had outbreaks, prodromols etc! Went on antivirals bc he didn't want to use condoms ever. 4 years later he had some itching and small bump at the head of his penis. We assumed that yes, he finally got it from me. Our relationship eventually ended for other reasons. Hit my 40's, did a bunch of blood tests recently due to other health issues. Asked for HSv/HPV test just for the hell of it. All negative! My test info does not have any numbers like I read on here so I can't speak to that. I tried to argue with my dr about false negatives but she is very intimidating and basically cut me off saying "this proves you don't have it" and shut down the conversation At the end of the day, I know I have to have it. Outbreaks, prodromols, definite classic triggers (chocolate, nuts, stress), and 2 people who appear to have contracted it from me. I'd like to take the western blot but not interested in paying for something that I know I have. And I've read other people's stories on here who are in the same boat. So I just live my life as if I do and always tell my partners. I couldn't in good conscience say I don't have it bc I know I do.
  7. @Loving Husband Oh your post just makes me so sad. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I think there's something much deeper for her about this and it may not be fixable for her even with your help. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life in that situation because both parties have to be willing to work on this and it sounds like you are already becoming aware that she is not. But I'm sure you will stick with this for as long as you feel you need to. I don't know, I hope someone else on here has some wiser words for you than I can provide. I'm a bit older than you and as I've written in other posts, I worked in an end-of-life field where I got to see what the dying are thinking about and regretting so I am hyper aware that life is too short to be wasted. Just my too cents.
  8. @no_joyride To the best of my knowledge I'm not getting classic outbreaks. I never had a huge problem with outbreaks too much after the initial but like I said prodromols were like a permanent thing for me for a very long time. I have talked about this elsewhere, sometimes when really stressed I would get a sudden itchy red welt/welts on my chin area that would go away within a few minutes. Those started with the initial infection so I've always attributed that to H. I've seen other people on here talk about it too. Also last year I got teenie tiny hard bump like a little bigger than a grain of sand that stayed a couple of months then disappeared. That happened at least one other time in my life. Someone else on here describe the same exact thing so I assume that was from H. Also I've only been on antivirals when I was in a long term relationship.
  9. Right @Fmals. I personally am not a hippy or new agey person at all so my input is coming from a pretty practical and science driven person lol. There's definitely a connection between mind and body. I'm currently trying this approach with some serious lung issues I'm dealing with. Unfortunately I'm not confident it will work as there appears to be some actual physical damage/scarring in my lungs versus say simple asthma that might have the potential to be impacted by stress. But I'm trying anyway. Even a little relief will be most welcome. Also its way way way harder to ignore not being able to breath or pain with each breath than to ignore prodromals so I'm not being very successful at not caring/ignoring it. : (
  10. Yah really, that's what I did. I'm not saying it will work for everyone and I can't say exactly how it worked for me, other than that we truly know stress is a trigger so if I stopped caring about it I must have stopped stressing about it and at some point my body could heal???? I was so exhausted by thinking about it all the time. It took over my life it seemed. I don't remember how it played out exactly but I probably just broke down in tears and just said "enough" . Like I gave up in a way. This phenomena is also frequently talked about by recovering alcoholics in AA. My dad was a recovering alcoholic and many talk about fighting their addiction for years, trying everything under the sun, then just breaking down and giving up, hence the first step in AA "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". I used to read the literature from those meetings (also had a ex who was alcoholic so exposed to a lot of AA stuff) and read lots of stories of people who feel they got to a point where they were exhausted by the battle of wills with alcohol and once they "gave up" they felt a sudden change in their addiction/compulsion to drink. So yes I'd have non-stop tingles and just general feeling that things weren't "right" down there. Back then I think I just dove into a ton of hiking and walking, learning to identify the plants in my area. That's what I was into so it was easy. These days I feel like I've developed some quicker at home tricks when stress hits me. The most common being reading and having a marathon hour of watching SNL skits or anything really funny. Hope this helps.
  11. For me its prodromals before periods and when stressed. very rarely get stressed enough to bring them on anymore. Interestingly I was stressing about prodromols usually! About 10 years ago I literally got fed up with perpetual prodromols and stressing about it and decided I didn't give a damn if I had them every day the rest of my life I was tired of it preoccupying my mind. I just started ignoring the sensation and got busy with my life. I wasn't dating at all so that helped b/c I probably wouldn't have stopped thinking about it. I don't know when but at some point I realized it had all stopped. Over the years I've fallen into the same patterns again but then I'll remember to just not give a damn again and that seems to be the trick for me. Periods are still sometimes problematic. Not as much though. But periods negatively affect so many different aspects of my health and life. Honestly can't wait till I'm done with them.
  12. @no_joyride This is another one you should read. A couple of of list some of our history of disclosing. My history in particular shows a clear pattern of how I sloooowly improved and got to the place where I'm at today. A lot of the women on that post are in their 40's. https://forums.herpesopportunity.com/topic/6001-successful-online-dating-herpes-disclosures-female-to-male/page/2/
  13. I agree, I'd have a big problem with the way he said it. I have a feeling a few guys I've dated struggled for the same reasons but they were tactful to never say it in that manner. And ultimately its hard if not impossible for it to work with someone who isn't all in. Its a risk for sure, and its not for everyone. But there are so many happy discordant couples (I think that's the word for + and - couples) out there that with the right person it doesn't matter when steps are taken to reduce the risk.
  14. @no_joyride Hi again, back to add some more. Check out this link where I posted twice in. You talked about rolling outbreaks; in it I talk about health stuff. And you talk about thinking no one will want you; I wrote some stuff about that. Both are pretty long lol bc I wrote a lot!
  15. @no_joyride Well, hard to say exactly because each is a little different but for the most part it is probably similar to how a lot of people on here disclose. I think some people have written down verbatim and posted it. Like everyone says, don't be dramatic and a tearful mess, that scares people. But honestly many of my early disclosures were that way because I simply didn't have the practice. If I could go back in time I'd just start disclosing away on casual dates that I wasn't that interested in just for the shear practice! I feel like its the repetition (and realizing most men weren't horrified that helped me get better). Also I used to have such awful buildup of anxiety before disclosing. Actually I will probably be disclosing to someone new this week. We had two awesome dates. I usually disclose around date 3, at least that's become my pattern. My reason is because 1) I want to see if I even like the person enough to the time to talk about this (usually by date 2 or 3 I know if I ever want to see the person anymore. Date 1 I don't count as far as judging how I feel about the person because 9 times out of 10 the men I've gone out with spend the date with awkward and sometimes obnoxious bragging and non-stop talk about themselves lol! I know its usually just due to nervousness! By date 3 if we have some chemistry we're usually much more comfortable and I can tell if I'd like to see the guy more. 2) I need to get a gauge on whether I feel I can trust this man with my very personal information. Anyway I will update how it goes. He has some very stressful life issues going on that he disclosed to me on day one because he wanted to make sure he wasn't "wasting my time". Because of that I actually wanted to disclose by date 2 as a way of being mutually open as I think he is seeing himself as a bit undesirable right now. But since he seemed stressed on date 1 and we were having so much fun on date 2 I figured we needed to just have that day to be carefree. My biggest concern with my disclosure is I do not want to add to his problems (not health related) with the potential of passing this on. So I think worse case scenario is we will determine it may be best to just take things slow and be friends if it is just too much. I will write some more about your question soon...headed out at the moment. Hang in there and maybe just try getting out there and casually dating. I'm finding there are definitely men out there in our age range who are just wanting to connect with a human being, go out and have a nice conversation over dinner etc (the mid 30's to 50's are actually considered very lonely years in western culture...whole other conversation).
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