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Break Down The Stigma


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I’m new here and I wanted to join so I could read others stories and share mine. The internet is full of useful and useless information all at the same time. I’ve read both. I hope my story can start a good conversation about breaking down the stigma and about hope. 

I’m 41, was married for 10 years, to my high school sweet heart. We were together for 22 years. I had 1 sex partner my whole life. Unfortunately he was controlling, emotionally abusive and a cheater. I learned how to manage his moods, spent years in marital therapy and even had a beautiful amazing son with this man. After his birth things got worse and I couldn’t subject my son to his treatment. There was an incident which was the final straw. Fast forward I’m divorced 4 years. Took 2 to heal, never dated. Finally! I put myself out there thinking just maybe I can find someone who would treat me as I deserved and I could share a deep love I have inside me to give. 

Dated man #1 for about a year who I thought was loving and kind. Openly discussed stds etc and shared testing. He unfortunately had a drinking problem and even with my support he couldn’t stay sober. I moved on. He gave me HPV. Men aren’t tested for that lucky me  

Dated man #2 for about 5 months. Just broke up. Kind, handsome, slightly emotionally damaged from an unfaithful ex (similar story! Yah right). Great father, loved his mom, very compatible. He was just guarded and distant. Again discussed STDs. Shared test results. Told him about the HPV. He didn’t seem to care. Had protected sex for 4 months. We had one night in Nov of 2019 without a condom. I will remember the date for the rest of my life. Why? I got herpes that night. 10 days later I go to the doctor for what we thought was an infected hair follicle in my pubic area. Went on antibiotics for 3 days. It got worse. I got about 6 tiny sores, lower back pain, sore legs (like a ran miles) and intense itching/burning in my Genital area. Swabbed the rash at the doctor, came back as hsv 2. Got a PCR blood test. Negative for both. My doctor said it was my primary outbreak and I must have gotten it within the past 20 days. I asked if it could have been my ex (4 years ago divorced) or the 1st man I dated (1 year ago broke up). He said that’s just not how this virus works. The hpv yes. Hsv no, if I got it and never noticed symptoms or misdiagnosed them I’d have an antibody. So fast forward, I tell the man I’m dating, it’s an emotional back and forth but he seems to not care if I have it. He gets tested, tick toc, 4 weeks goes by. He starts to distance. I Get a text out of the blue that he is negative. Not sure I believe it. Talked to my doctor again and he said two things. 1. He is most likely lying or 2. In rare cases if someone has it who is asymptotic they can spread it but antibodies are hard to detect with the PCR blood tests. Angry and frustrated I lost my ability to make sense of this shit. Where, how, why? Over and over in my head. Looking for the answers. What I had to accept is the answer will NOT change  my outcome. Maybe I’d have someone to blame idk what I wanted. My ex used to say if I ever left him all I would find is garbage out there. I so don’t want him to be right cause he was awful to me. I will get my blood tested again in 2 months. I just want to make sure I understand how this progresses. I’m taking daily suppressive therapy. It took about 4 weeks to feel back to normal. I haven’t had a reoccurrence but’s it’s only been 8 weeks. I’m going to stay optimistic, take care of myself, rest and take my vitamins etc. I’m taking suppressive therapy cause I want to less outbreaks and I don’t want to pass it. I know I still can but it just lowers the %. 

I want to find love, I want to find people who can relate, I want people to stop acting like this is the worst thing in the world. People rather talk about having cancer then having a skin disorder like eczema. I talked to my primary care and he was more concerned about the HPV then HSV. 

Im so sorry to anyone who is feeling alone. You aren’t. I know it seems scary but we will get though it. There is nothing wrong with any one of us. Our personalities are probably more to worry about then HSV. I’m not down playing the symptoms or the emotional roller coaster. I know how bad they both are. I just want everyone to know I’m hopeful even after everything I have been through that this will all me ok. Thanks for reading. 

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