Please make this all make sense

[Bernice]

I just got diagnosed and I am going on 4 weeks of meds. It has gotten better but I still have blisters, pain, and itching. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. He on occasion will get cold sores. I on the other hand have never had any. We are always very careful when he has one, however they believe that I got it from him even though he did not have a sore. This diagnosis is very new. I am having a hard time physically and emotionally. I have cried pretty much everyday. My husband is very supportive. He has apologized many times. However I was molested as a child. So for me, I already feel dirty. I have never trusted anyone besides him to perform oral sex. I have always been self conscious because of the molestation. That being said I trusted him and felt safe and this happened. He doesn't understand that things will change sexually between us forever. The emotional part of this is really bothering me. I am having a hard time dealing with it. It doesn't help that I am on a third set of meds. I also have other health issues that are probably contributing to not getting better. Please tell me this gets better over time. I feel betrayed in a way. The one person I trusted gave me something that I will never get over. I ce to this forum to get a better idea of what to do. What will help. And how to overcome this both emotionally and physically.

[Bloomer]

@Bernice how were you diagnosed? By blood or by swab?

[Bernice]

Swab

 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello,

I am so sorry for the emotional and physical pain you are experiencing. Please know and believe that you are not bad. You are not dirty. You are not unworthy of love and happiness. 

☀️ You are good. You are pure. You are worthy of love and happiness. 🌻 

A common virus does not have the power to change those truths! 

To clarify, were you diagnosed with HSV-1 or 2, and what type does your husband have? Did he have a cold sore appear at all after you were last intimate? Also, what medicine are you taking, and have your symptoms gotten better at all?

I am so sorry you had an adverse childhood experience. I was also molested as a child, and I got H from someone who was abusive to me, so it brought back all the feelings of guilt, shame, and dirtiness. It's almost like reopening a wound. I understand how difficult this must be for you, and I am so sorry. Please know that things will get better. There is hope and healing is possible, and you deserve to heal. 

It's wonderful your husband is supportive. I'm sure he feels truly terrible about everything. You may need some space from intimacy for right now, and that's okay. Remember that this is not his fault. Sometimes it's hard to compartmentalize our feelings from facts, so try to focus on the rational and truthful concepts when emotion or extreme anxiety starts: you are safe with your husband, he didn't mean to pass this to you, etc. 

You might be feeling all the old pain rush back. When your mind starts going back there, say to yourself:

"That was then. This is now. That's not happening now. I am safe. And I'm okay."

That's something my therapist taught me to say to help me process my thoughts and feelings related to trauma without "going back there" and having the emotions and memories take over my mind and feelings. 

Another thing that may help is couples therapy. It would help you and your relationship heal. You deserve to be happy. Hope is not lost! ☀️

If you need any support, please reach out. I am praying for you 🌻

Sending blessings and prayers of happiness and health your way,

grace

[Bernice]

He has 1 and I got 2. He did not have any sore but the doctor said he could if been shedding. As for the sex, I am the one who is always wants sex. So that is my problem. He has been very supportive. I can't thank him enough for being there for me. Thank you for the words of kindness and ideas. I appreciate that you told me your story. I felt as no one understood because of being molested. It brought back a lot of bad memories.

[Flowerteacher55]

Okay I understand. Did he pass 1 or 2 to you? It's okay. As you heal things the relationship and intimacy will heal. It's not your fault you contracted it either. You aren't wrong for wanting to have sex with the man you love. 

You are totally not alone. HSV or any STI can impact trauma and reawaken it, but it will all get better, I promise 🌻☀️.

Blessings! 

[Bernice]

I believe 2. The doctor has been kind of vague.

[Flowerteacher55]

Okay. Your health is essential, and the doctor needs to understand that! Ask for a copy of the swab results, and/or call the office and ask the nurse and verify the type. 

Your health matters, and sometimes we have to be very assertive and pushy to our health care providers in order to get answers. 

Are your symptoms any better? You can also update the nurse on your symptoms and if needed, ask them about potentially getting a different antiviral if the one you are currently taking is not working for you. 

Praying for you! 🦋🌻