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Herpes questions for anyone who can help

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First i will say that this site is awesome bc even though i know other people have H i feel pretty damn alone. i feel like i am the elephant in the room even though no one knows. Here is my story:


Last summer i dated this guy, fell head over heels, had to move cross country for work and we broke up and i was devastated to say the least. Didnt date anyone or sleep with anyone for almost a year to the day. It was a rough breakup and took a while to get over and to build up the courage to put my heart on the line. That's partly what makes what i"m about to write sting a little...


A couple months ago met a new guy who i bacame (just) friends with, but now we have recently started dating. About 2 weeks ago we had sex for the first time, and then it was very frequent for about a week until I thought i had a UTI. I told him no more till it went away, and then after 4 days I was feeling even worse so i went back to the doc and was told is was a UTI but might be something else. A few days later i was in such horrible pain so i went back and thats when I was diagnosed. This was on Monday. Now, this guy is an EMT so he's no dummy in the medical field. We haven't had sex since the initial "UTI" symptoms, and that was about 9 days ago, so he has told me that I should be ok by now bc sex wont affect a UTI now that i've been on antibiotics for a few days( i was first prescribed Septra and pyridium, then Cipro) I am now on Valtrex, which is helping but i am not better.


**I have never had any of these symptoms before. Not until a week after we started having sex. Is it likely he gave it to me?

**what is a good way to ask him if he has ever had any symptoms (prior to being involved with me)?

**how long should I wait before I have sex again?

**this question is for a guy: is it offensive to ask you if you have had an std?

**any tips on how to tell him? phone,person,letter,etc?


IF anyone can help me i would really appreciate it. My real questions are the ones with the ** next to them. I am trying to educate myself on it and also on how to ask/tell him about it and it's making me so nervous.

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If you show symptoms- many people don't- they are most likely to appear within two weeks after exposure (mine appeared within a week) so yes, it's quite likely you got it from him, considering he is a new partner and it all fits within that time frame.


It's likely he doesn't know he carries the virus (if you did get it from him), or that he has it orally, which people often don't take as seriously, because cold sores are so very common (he wouldn't even have to have had an active sore- and probably didn't, the area can still shed the virus).


I would have the conversation in person, if possible. Start by telling him that what you thought was a UTI has been diagnosed as genital herpes. Give him time to take this in if necessary. Tell him that due to the time frame in which the symptoms occurred it's very likely you contracted it from him. He may be upset by this, calmly explain that it's not about blame, that many people are asymptomatic and don't even know that they have herpes, but that it can still be transmitted even when active sores aren't present (if he went down on you) it could even have been from oral herpes (cold sores) which is extremely common, and that many people can have it without knowing it. Ask him if he has any questions. You'll probably want to add statistics on how minimal the risk of having sex with you will be, if you educate yourselves and are careful.


Try to be calm and confident in your conversation. You didn't do anything wrong, and frankly, herpes really isn't that bad. Another positive read on herpes: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-not-a-big-deal-dan-savage-love/


The most important thing is that if he leaves you over this- you are well rid of him, because you are so much more than this virus and you deserve to be with someone who can see that.


I wish I could tell you when you can have sex again. They say "once the sores are fully healed," irritating the area can prolong the outbreak, and you are also quite contagious at that time. You can, of course, still shed when you do not have visible or prodrome symptoms... how much depends on the individual and various factors and I am far from an expert having only been diagnosed this week myself. I do know: that female condoms can offer more protection as they cover more skin. That dental dams and condoms can be used to decrease the chance of transmission during oral sex (and while the idea of only ever having barrier oral for the rest of your life sounds depressing, I am considering using it to protect my partners- and perhaps even myself- until I've got a better idea of how herpes will work with my body. Also- herpes is easily killed by soap and water, detergent and 70% isopropyl alcohol- so hand sex, if everyone washes well before touching elsewhere is probably quite safe.


I hope this helps! Good Luck!



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