Newbie with pending herpes test results. Help with the pain/advice?

[firefly]

Hey y'all--

 

I'm new here, 22 year old female who is waiting on test results but honestly would be very surprised if they came back negative. I've had plenty of false alarms in the past-- partners telling me that they had various STIs, but whenever I'd go to be tested I've always gotten a clean bill of health. Until now that is.

 

I've been seeing a guy about 16 years older than me (the only reason I feel the age is important is that maybe he's the one who gave it to me but he just has never known he had it), and he lives across the country. I was home two weekends ago, and only for a few days, so needless to say there was a lot of sex going on and it was pretty rough.

 

I remember telling him the last night that I was with him that I was getting pretty irritated down there-- in the past I had gotten tears around my vagina from sex being too rough so I didn't think anything about it. When I got back from my trip, the tears started to hurt so badly, I felt like I couldn't even move. I made it to work for a few days, but on Friday decided that I couldn't take it so I went to a walk-in clinic. Immediately, the doctor told me that she thought it looked like herpes and did the swab test. I was surprised because I hadn't noticed any bumps at all-- only the tears. Also, a few months back I had a full blood panel done and it had come back negative for both HSV 1 &2. She prescribed me antivirals and also vicodin for the pain. When I got home, I decided to take another look and only then did I notice the lesions. I still have the tears, though, and they hurt just as badly. I'm not sure if they're related or maybe just the stress of them to my body caused the outbreak.

 

I have to say-- I haven't really had that much time to think about the pending diagnosis because I'm too busy dealing with how much pain I'm in. Does anyone have any recommendations? Not to be gross-- but it's excruciating to go to the bathroom whether its #1 or #2.. ahh I'm dying! Baths seem to help, I also read somewhere something about coconut oil so I tried that and it helps as well as witch hazel--- I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow, though. It's not like I can excuse myself in the middle of the day to go take a bath.

 

I've read a few of the posts here and as comforting as they are, I'm still terrified of having to disclose to anyone and especially to the guy I'm seeing since we just started this long distance thing and I'm scared that he will no longer consider it worth it :( My friends and family jokingly call me "stoneheart" because of how removed I can be and how little I worry about things, but funny how this can all of a sudden take away the confidence that I had in myself and the relationship!

 

Anyway-- I know that was long, but thanks for reading. It's nice to be able to put it all out there being that I haven't told anyone else.

[mr_hopp]

I feel you, firefly. I feel for your heart. It's not a stone heart by default. I imagine it's a heart that you're protecting with a solid shield surrounding it. And that shield may be there for good reason. There is always a good reason to protect our hearts. And there's equally good reason to open them, too. It's about knowing when is appropriate for both instead of it being an automatic reaction. We aren't born with stone hearts. They get that way by being hurt, by opening up and being disrespected, unloved. Hearts are taught to close if it's not safe to love. Hearts by default are meant to feel fully, to be impacted by life. This is a process of teaching your heart how to be semi-permeable: To let in and out the things you trust and to protect you from the things you don't.

 

As far as the physical healing goes, I would ask your gyno or doctor what kind of numbing cream/healing cream would help healing and feeling more comfortable. Depending on where the outbreaks/tears are, certain creams/ointments are better/worse for that area. The more mucous membrane, the more delicate the tissue. Your best and quickest option to get answers for specific questions like these would be the free herpes hotline. Call either of these free hotlines to speak with a live knowledgeable operator (Herpes Opportunity isn't connected with either):

(919) 361-8488 (M-F, 9a-7p EST)

(206) 344-2539 (MWF 6:30-9p EST)

 

Also, have you downloaded the free e-book "The Positive Guide to Herpes Disclosure" yet? It's a quick read and jam-packed with helpful tips to positively shift your perspective. Here's the link to download it:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Keep taking good care of yourself. Not just physically, but mentally, too. Stay compassionate to yourself and your process of healing. Be a friend to yourself. Let me know if you need anything else or would like to talk one-on-one! I'm here for you!