Just found out I have herpes, trying to get through it

[tumtum33]

First of all I want to say I am so thankful that I found this site, it has already eased some of my anxiety and helped me understand more about this virus that I will carry for the rest of my life.

 

I found out 1 week ago that I have genital herpes. I have since been flooded with a multitude of mixed emotions. In my situation there is really no way for me to know when and by who I was infected by because I have never had an outbreak. Is it possible that I could've had one and not known it? I've never had a abnormal rash, bumps or blisters. Just normal crotch itch and ingrown hairs from shaving. I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in over six years. I recently met a man about 3 months ago that has completely swept me off my feet. Treated me better than any other man I have ever been with. The scariest thing going into our relationship has been the fact that he has terminal cancer. Most days it doesn't cross my mind because despite his diagnoses we deserve to be happy, because he does truly make me feel happy, special and beautiful. After dating for about a week we begun having sex on a very frequent almost daily basis. He has had a vasectomy so we never used protection. I have typically been very up on getting tested somewhat frequently especially after unprotected sex with a one time partner. I used to casually sleep with other men but in the past year or since I had been tested last had drastically stepped back from that. Not saying that I've been perfect but much better than in the past. 3 weeks ago he had his first OB, at first we thought it was just a rash from rough sex but then the blisters and pain just increased. He expressed to me that after doing his own research that he was pretty sure he was having a H OB. Around the same time I was spotting very lightly between periods. At this point I was devastated, scheduled appointments for both of us at our local PP for us to get tested and then we just waited. Few days later we got the call back and we both came back H+ as well as positive for chlamydia (which they attributed to my spotting). We both got treated for chlamydia and got prescriptions for valtex which he began taking right away since he was experiencing an outbreak. I was speechless, didn't know if I should cry, puke or run. He has taken the news much better than I have because he has obviously gotten worse news in the past. I'm guessing with his suppressed immune system, this is what brought on his first OB. He has been divorced for 2 years and not had many if any partners since so it makes it hard for me to believe he gave me the virus. Our relationship has not changed and if anything brought us closer. We still fully want to continue our relationship and it has helped me to be more open and honest with my feelings because I've struggled immensely in the past with talking about my feelings. It is very hard for me to cope with the fact that I most likely infected him when he is already dealing with the fact that he has cancer. I feel horrible, irresponsible for not being more safe and respectful to my own body. It scares me because I seem to have a strong immune system since I haven't experienced an outbreak but his is so much weaker than mine. Does this mean he will have more frequent OB? I'm just looking for any advice, guidance and support. I have contacted 2 of my previous partners so they can get tested but don't want to tell anyone else since it's so personal. Any advice would be great, thanks in advance.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi TumTum,

 

Welcome to the club. As part of your initiation, you'll receive blisters, directions to your nearest pharmacy, and a whole host of supportive and encouraging comments.

 

First, I'm gonna break out the tough love. Unprotected sex in the era of HIV/AIDS is not only foolish, it's playing Russian roulette with your life. Casual sex is fine, condoms are a must until you've got papers in your hand that say "HIV free." That's one you can't afford to not be perfect on, Ok? That's my two cents there. If you haven't been tested for that, you need to, and so does your boyfriend.

 

As far as your current situation, well, cancer trumps herpes every time. There are a couple of people on this forum who have, or have had, both. Both suck, but that cancer diagnosis sure does put herpes into perspective. Yes, having cancer can make the herpes worse, but that's not a definite. Everyone is different, and attitude has a lot to do with getting through both. Terminal diagnosis? My ass. There is no such thing as far as I'm concerned. My grandfather and my grandmother both had "Terminal" cancer; both kicked its butt. I'd suggest your boyfriend tell his doctor that it ain't over 'til the fat lady finishes her warm-up. I believe in respecting your elders; and showing utter contempt for the Grim Reaper.

 

Now, could you have had herpes before your current partner? Yeah, and given what you wrote, I'd say that's probably the case. It's a sneaky virus and can lay around dormant for a long time before you know about it. You're fortunate that this is bringing you two closer together. I am terribly sorry you're having to deal with it at all on top of the cancer. That's got to be tearing you up, and you have my heartfelt wishes that you both stand tall through this.

 

Now, stop beating yourself up. What's done is done. Did you know you had herpes? No. Could you have been more responsible, safer? Yeah. Does any of that matter now? No. The past...is the past.

 

Right now, you're in love. You've got a man that loves you, and you love him. That's worth it's weight in chemo and valtrex combined. Doctors may tell you what medicines you can take, etc., but the reality is that the most effective medicine on earth is love. That stuff cures anything. Like Patsy Cline said, stand by your man. He'll appreciate it, you'll grow from it, and you'll grow together through the process.

 

In the meantime, we're here anytime you need a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to, or a smile to cheer you up.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@tumtum33

 

First ... Welcome. Glad to have you here..

 

So... first question... how do you know you have genital Herpes? I assume they swabbed your BF ... if he has HSV2, well then yes, you most likely have genital herpes. If you both have HSV1 - that means you likely have carried the H virus (like 80% of the population) on your mouth area and not known it. Often when people get checked for STD's, even if they get the HSV test, they only test for Type 2. Most people believe they have been tested for H when indeed they have not. So sadly I would say it sounds like "the system" is at least party to blame here if you were being tested regularly for STD's.

 

And Herry is right - in the era of HIV we MUST be careful about using protection till you show him yours and he shows your his (papers, that is). ;)

 

Will he have frequent OB's? Noone can give you that answer. Honestly, it's so hard to know who will have what kind of bodily reaction to it...definitely his compromised immune system won't help but his attitude WILL... as Herry said, Cancer trumps Herpes every time.... this will just be something else for him to manage.

 

At this point all you can do is manage it.... have him go commando and take Epsom Salts baths where he dumps a few handfuls of the salts right between his legs. That may help to knock it down a bit.

 

Besides that, just love him AND yourself. It's all you can do at this point and he has much bigger fish to fry at the moment...

 

(((HUGS)))

[tumtum33]

Thanks so much for both of your responses. Thank you for the insight on cancer, he is definitely one of the strongest man I know. He has pancreatic cancer and this far has surpassed beating the odds. Cancer cells are down and despite his OB which he says was brutally painful has been feeling really good. I was tested about a year ago for HIV and came back negative but at this point I need to cover all the bases. I have another appointment next week for an annual exam and will be getting tested then. Both of us gave blood tests and came back positive for both HSV-1 and HSV-2. I know that it's not the end of the world and after doing research I didn't realize how common genital herpes were. As I said before I'm taking it much harder than he is because he has gotten much worse news from doctors before. I just can't help but feel guilty because it's the last thing in the world I want him to have to deal with on top of having cancer. It doesn't seem to phase him much and he doesn't blame me because he knows I had no idea I had contracted the h. Since we both are contracted can we still resume sexual activity without being nervous of causing another flare up? I have a strong immune system and when I met with the nurse who talked to me about the medications she said that there are different scales when it comes to h and I was a low 2? Is this accurate information or does it even make sense? I've read so many different things online so it's hard to tell what the truth is. Obviously our main concern is keeping him healthy and his attitude positive, which it seems like nothing really brings him down. His cancer has I think given him a whole new outlook on life, and now since he was diagnosed seems to be living life on his terms. I just can't help but cry and feel overwhelmed, it's a lot to go through in the last 3 months. I just hope we can resume living our lives as normal as possible and try to avoid OB as much as possible. I can't let go of the guilt with a snap of my fingers but with time I hope it will get better.

[tumtum33]

Reading everyone's stories on this sight is the best thing I've come across! I'm actually laughing and it's helping me become okay with the fact that this is has nothing to do with the person I am, just something I have to learn to live with :) thanks so much :))

[HerryTheHerp]

Hey TumTum,

 

It's a lot on your plate. My advice: Take it in small bites. It'll go down easier and be easier to digest.

 

As far as getting down to business and having some nookie? Well, go for it (After you get the all clear on the HIV tests, k?) Once you do that, there's no risk of retransmitting or anything else. Have fun, enjoy each others company, and stay positive. That'll go a long way towards helping him recover.

 

And, just so you know, sex is good for the immune system...just throwing that out there.

[WCSDancer2010]

Since we both are contracted can we still resume sexual activity without being nervous of causing another flare up? I have a strong immune system and when I met with the nurse who talked to me about the medications she said that there are different scales when it comes to h and I was a low 2? Is this accurate information or does it even make sense?

 

Yes... have all the fun you want. You may want to make sure to use lots of lube and don't get too rough at first...sometimes rough sex sets it off. Otherwise, given you both have both kinds, you can't give him "more" of the virus. As for the nurse saying you are a "low 2" I have NO idea what that means... I assume your numbers are low for antibodies...