New to H and considering disclosing but need help/advice

[verysadfornow]

I am new here. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 in February via a blood test (primary outbreak, negative blood test in January).

 

I am sorry this is so long; I have a lot to get off my chest and I am very confused right now.

 

The past several months have been pretty difficult emotionally. I contracted this from an MD who I was dating (you'd think that he would have known better; we did use condoms every time we had sex), who I believe lied to me about his status because when I confronted him he said there was no way he could have given it to me. Then a month later he tried to sleep with me again.

 

Anyway, I was just going to not date for a while. The past several years have been pretty rough on me. I'm 28 years old. I lost my mom to brain cancer when I was 24 and my boyfriend of 6 years at the time treated me very badly when it happened. Then I dated someone else who dumped me on the first anniversary of her death. Then I fell in love with someone who moved out of the country. Then I got H. So I haven't been hugely successful romantically.

 

But recently, I met someone who I think could be very special. We met sort of by accident and I gave him my number when he asked for it (it felt nice to be attractive to someone). We started texting and immediately hit it off. It is strange. I've never felt this comfortable with anyone before. We text pretty much all day long (no more than maybe 10 minutes between texts) - 10-12 hours a day, and talk on the phone at night. We have hung out a few times and we always end up staying out all night. I feel like I'm in high school or college again. I have a wonderful time with him and I could see myself being happy with him.

 

I've opened up to him about a lot of things (my mom's illness and death, my ex boyfriends, my anxiety disorder) and he has been really terrific, understanding, and supportive. I want to tell him about this, but I am absolutely terrified. We have only known each other about 2.5 weeks and things seem to be progressing very quickly emotionally. He hasn't pressured me into anything physically - we have just made out a whole bunch. I will of course not sleep with him without disclosing this.

 

I have read a lot of the posts on this forum about disclosure and they seem to range from awesome to awful. Having not disclosed to anyone before, I don't know how I will do. I also am afraid that if I am rejected this will crush me, given that I already have a terrible history with rejection. I am seriously considering ending things because I don't want to deal with the pain of the disclosure.

 

The part that makes me most afraid is that twice he has made casual negative references to STDs and I am afraid he is not mature enough to understand or accept this. He first made a joke about STDs in general about a week ago while we were texting then wrote "Don't worry, I don't have any STDs :)" and I just made up an excuse to go to bed because it was late.

 

Then today he told me he had shingles in college and it was really awful and they put him on valtrex, which was so embarrassing. I used to work for a dermatologist, which he knows, so I said, "well, that's the medicine for shingles, it's not embarrassing at all" and then he started to tell me about a friend of his in college who thought he had herpes twice and they all made fun of him for it. Granted, college for him was 8 years ago, but it bothers me and scares me that he brought that up.

 

So, I don't know what to do. I don't want to write him off for being totally insensitive because he is a nice person and I don't think he would ridicule me if I told him about this. However, I also don't know if he will be able to accept this about me, given his current apparent feelings.

 

Also, since I have only known him for 2.5 weeks, I was hoping to wait a little while before disclosing. I want him to know me better. I think this is getting confused because we text and talk so often but we have only spent 3 nights actually hanging out together. I wanted to spend more time with him in person before doing this. When is the right time to tell him? I am having anxiety to the point where I can't sleep or eat anymore over this.

 

One last thing: I know that a lot of people disclose in person. I just don't know if I can do that. What I was thinking of doing is writing a letter (okay, I wrote it), and putting it with a bunch of articles including the clinical studies about suppressive therapy for reference. Then I would say to him in person, "I'm having a really terrific time with you and I want thinks to keep progressing so we can see where this goes. If that is going to happen, I need to tell you something, though. It is about a health condition I have, which is incredibly minor, but has an emotional aspect that is quite challenging. I haven't told anyone this before and I'm nervous about how the conversation might go, so I've written everything down here for you (hand him the envelope). I would really like to talk to you about this after you've had time to read this letter and think things over."

 

Or something like that. I know this will be an unpopular idea, but I am really, really struggling with this. I am afraid he will not know how to react and may hurt me more. I was hurt so many times before I got H, I just don't know how I will cope with it now that I have something so heavily stigmatized.

 

To be clear: I know that H is not a big deal. I knew it before I was diagnosed because I have seen it a lot in my line of work. I know how common it is and how treatable/manageable it is. I don't think it is dirty or disgusting, but I am afraid of the stigma that says it is.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi VerySad,

 

I'm going to hit you with the wet blanket early: This isn't the guy to disclose to, at least not yet.

 

You've known him a couple of weeks. In that time, he's shown you that there is a very real possibility he'd reject you based on the HSV2. Could you educate him on the connection between HSV and Shingles, Chicken Pox, etc. in the future? Possibly, but not yet. From what you've written, he's not anywhere near being mature enough to process the information.

 

Should you continue to get to know him? Why not. There's no harm whatsoever in that, but like Kenny Rogers said "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Remember, your heart and your emotions are paramount, and you've had a rough road when it comes to romance. Don't expose yourself until you are 100% confident that he's not going to be the next in that list of terrible experiences.

 

I'll tell you a quick story. I was talking with someone today, and she related a story from her college days to me. She dated a guy with HPV, and it took him 3 months before he disclosed to her. When he did, she was very understanding and they had some wonderful times together. Bottom line: there's no need to rush it. Wait until it's right. When it's right, everything will fall into place.

 

You're struggling with the diagnosis; that's normal, and we all go through that. It is tough. That's why you need to focus on you; focus on your needs, your wants, your healthy emotional state. I'll be bold in saying that it sounds like you're basing some of your emotional health off what he might think of you, and seeking partners to fill voids in your life and self-perception. That's a road fraught with peril.

 

While you have seen it in the doctor's office, and you know it's not a big deal, now you're on this side of the table; it's a different view, and now you're feeling the stigma that comes with it. Is that stigma justified? Of course not. But, until you believe that, until that stigma doesn't bother you in the slightest...it's a good idea to protect your heart and not risk getting hurt any more than you already are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@verysadfornow

 

First - Welcome ... glad you found us.... and no worries about your "long story". We've had people write short books on here before now :) Besides, my reply will give your post a run for it's money for length ..LOL

 

So for one, your friend may *think* he has no STD's... but I'll bet he's never been tested for HSV (people who joke about it are usually less informed) so that is a conversation that you need to have anyway... and don't believe anything without seeing a written lab report. I know it sounds clinical but when someone tells me they don't have STD's in that kind of way, I actually get MORE suspicious that they are in the "if you can't see anything you don't have an STD" belief system. At the very least, the odds are pretty high he has HSV1 and he would be totally uneducated about the implications around what most people classify as "cold sores".

 

Now, 2.5 weeks is a really, REALLY short time to "know" someone. Take it from someone who dated a guy for about 5 weeks before he suddenly disappeared, and when I figured out how to Google him I found out he'd been arrested for robbing a bank last Fall. Now I don't know if he was guilty or not (there's nothing on a trial or acquittal) but he had not revealed this to me. And we had texted a lot during the day. He went at my speed around being physical (which was very refreshing for me). He was gentle and well spoken. And I really wanted to get to know him better. But one day I texted him and his phone was disconnected ... and then I found out about his past. And you know what? I had H to thank for slowing me down so that when this happened, I was not as invested...had not had sex with him (which would have made it more difficult thanks to that wonderful hormone Oxytocin :p )... and it's been a whole lot easier to move forward.

 

I have read a lot of the posts on this forum about disclosure and they seem to range from awesome to awful.

 

I'd say we are averaging a whole lot more Success Stories than "failures". I can give you over 30 success stories to read right now that I have collected this year. And those who have had a poor experience often realized later that H did them a favor because they realized the person wasn't who they thought they were.

 

You see, H is a really great Wingman (see link below for my blog about it). You'd be amazed at the people who find REAL TRUE love once they stop allowing the stigma to run their lives...because in my experience (as someone who is totally "out" about my status), the majority of the stigma is in YOUR head. Yes, *some* people can be unkind, or downright nasty, but really, why allow a Class A Jerk to get to you (because when someone acts that way, they prove who they REALLY are and why have someone like that in your life?).

 

So... When is the right time to disclose? There is no "right" time ... as long as it's before you get intimate. And there's no "right" way to do it. But one thing that we generally feel on here is that you should, whenever possible, do it in person. You came up with the perfect lead-in to tell him... I couldn't put it better myself. The only thing to add is..

 

"I carry the Herpes virus .... do you know what that is? Its similar to the shingles virus you carry. It was given to me by the MD who I dated who wasn't honest with me ... and I'm wanting to be honest with you. You know I work with a dermatologist, and I know more than most will because I see it in our office all the time. That Valtrex that you took for your Shingles can help keep me from passing it to you if we get intimate, along with condoms. Here is some information on it... I want you to become informed about it. I hope you will want to continue with me but I also feel that you deserve to have the choice to continue knowing this about me.

 

You see, SEEING his reaction will tell you a lot about him. IMO this is a time to work through the fear of rejection (and I'm including some links about rejection for you). Our "reaction" to perceived rejections is a very primal one which doesn't serve us any more. And when you can really understand that, you can start to see that 1) rejection isn't about you...it's about THEM ... not that it means they are bad ... it just means that a relationship with you is not working for THEM. They have other needs...that you are not the person to fulfill those needs. Now HOW they go about "rejecting" you tells you a whole lot about them ... and if they are ugly, well, you really truly don't need them in your life.

 

Here are some links for you to read while you think about how you want to go about this. Whatever happens, you really have to get it that if he walks, it's just because H is a deal breaker for him ... no different than if you revealed you smoked, or had young kids (which is a deal breaker for me at my age), or whatever. ok??

 

((((HUGS))) - we are here for you to help you through this ....

 

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Brene Brown

 

 

Rejection

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

Successful disclosures (I have plenty more if you need them for ideas or encouragement :) )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male) (READ TO THE END!!)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said-thisisgoingtobeok

 

When to have the H talk Adrial

[verysadfornow]

Thanks to both of you!

 

I think you are right - now is not a good time to disclose. The problem is, this is someone I want to keep seeing. He is very kind to me, and very respectful. We seem to have so much in common and I want to be able to give him a chance, but I am terrified of his reaction to this.

 

I just want to clarify one thing: I have had bad relationships, but I am by no means dependent on my relationships. I was on my own for almost three years before H-carrying MD came into my life..

 

However, I do think that I am putting too much weight into his reaction to this. I do feel that if he rejects me that will make me less worthy. And that if he rejects me I will probably not be able to recover. I am very scared. How do I change the way I feel? I am trying to be positive but then I go on google and my confidence is shattered.

 

Last night we were talking and he could tell something was bothering me and he asked me to tell him about it, but I said, "I will talk to you about what's going on but I need more time," and he said I can take all the time I want and I won't be able to scare him away.

 

He really isn't a bad guy. But he said another thing about STDs today (seriously...why does it keep coming up), about how he was tested last year and everything was "clean" (which of course makes me feel dirty). I know he probably was still not tested for HSV, but he doesn't know that.

 

Also, it just makes me feel worse and like I am keeping a secret from him. I know you guys say that it's okay to just get to know him and wait until the time is right, but if I wait to tell him, won't he feel betrayed? I'm so conflicted.

[LookingForAlaska]

I wonder, based on my own recent experiences, if the shingles stuff, and his off-color comments about STDs could in any way be because maybe he knows HE has something? That may be a complete shot in the dark but sometimes I think people will behave that way because it's really something going on with them. Take this with a huge grain of salt bc it's probably coming from what's going on with me, but you said "it keeps coming up" and that makes me a little suspicious.

[verysadfornow]

That's an interesting point :) I'd be really happy if that was the case, I'd be so happy. But, I'm not thinking it is...I am just afraid he's extra paranoid about STDs, which probably makes him not the best person to disclose to since I'm so vulnerable. I don't want to stop hanging out with him though, so this is so hard for me.

[WCSDancer2010]

However, I do think that I am putting too much weight into his reaction to this. I do feel that if he rejects me that will make me less worthy. And that if he rejects me I will probably not be able to recover.

 

Did you read any of the links I posted for you? Yes, you are putting too much weight on his reaction ...his reaction is totally NOT about you... it will show you who he REALLY is. If/when you disclose, if he's a really decent guy, he will feel like shit for making jokes (and I'd tell him that his comments were hurtful and made you feel "dirty"). If he walks away, then he is not a man of his word (having said you can't scare him away).

 

PLEASE, read the Wingman blogs and the Rejection posts at least ... they will help you understand a whole lot about disclosure, their reaction, and your reaction to rejection if that is the result.

 

(((HUGS)))

[verysadfornow]

Thanks, WCSDancer :)

 

I did read all of the posts! I've been reading everything. I watched the video you posted. I do understand, intellectually. It's just really hard for me to translate it all emotionally, especially in this situation. Up until now, I've been dealing with this pretty well. I've told the people closest to me about it, and they have been really understanding. I have been talking to my aunt (closest thing to a mom now), who has had GH for 30 years, has been married for 25 years and has had two normal, healthy children naturally. She's never given it to her husband and she's never even been on suppressive therapy. She's like, ecstatic that I have this because it makes us closer, lol.

 

I know this isn't the end of the world, and I know that is reaction doesn't define me. Talking to her made me feel better at first, but now, because I'm becoming more insecure, it almost makes me mad at her (and she is the most wonderful human on earth, so I feel terrible about that), because things have already worked out for her and I am so afraid of them not working out for me.

 

I guess I feel angry because this is the first person I've met in a very long time (years) that I really, truly like. And I'm angry at myself because with the MD who gave it to me, I never thought I would fall in love with him or marry him. I was just dating him to fill the space between whatever was next (to be fair, I always knew he was doing that with me, too). I didn't *need* to sleep with him.

 

When I think about telling the new guy, I imagine him being really accepting. We are hanging out tonight and he made a joke last night when we were talking that I could show up with a shaved head and tattoos all over my face and he wouldn't go anywhere (that's way grosser of an image than a skin condition, which has literally had zero effect on me physically, except for the first outbreak, which wasn't even bad).

 

Then, I over-think everything. I think about the jokes he made about STDs. I think about how important it seems to be to him to stay "clean." And I think about how this is a deal breaker to so many people I know, romantically. He might still really like me. He might still want to stay friends. But why would he want to risk a sexual relationship with someone who could give him a life long condition, that would affect future relationships, when he could date (in his mind) any other girl without it?

 

I know the wingman article says that this will show me the type of person he truly is, and if he sucks then I don't want to be with him. And that's true; if he sucks, I won't want to be with him! But, what if he is really wonderful about it, but still can't deal with it? He is obviously entitled to those feelings, but that will be even worse because it will show me that he is a great guy, but my condition makes me less "worthy."

 

I really appreciate your comments. And I know you're right. I'm just filled with anxiety and venting right now. Fear is a terrible emotion.

[WCSDancer2010]

She's like, ecstatic that I have this because it makes us closer, lol.

 

I know this isn't the end of the world, and I know that is reaction doesn't define me. Talking to her made me feel better at first, but now, because I'm becoming more insecure, it almost makes me mad at her (and she is the most wonderful human on earth, so I feel terrible about that), because things have already worked out for her and I am so afraid of them not working out for me.

 

So do you see how crazy that sounds? How you are letting the chatter in your head ... which you know intellecutally is crazy ... run your life and your thoughts rather than looking at your Aunt, and myself, and @Ihaveittoo, who have lived with it for YEARS and had successful long term relationships and saying "If they can do it, so can I"? What is the difference between that and ANY friend or loved one who is in a LTR really?

 

You see, I get it... I have friends all around me who are finding love and getting married and I've been basically single (several "false starts" in the last year... but nothing more) for 4 years. I'm ready to find someone... AND my failure to get there has NOTHING to do with H because each "failure" that I dated last year had other reasons for not working out.

 

And you know what? I get frustrated as hell when I read about people on here who have found a real possibility of a partner on here (and I say possibility because there are soooo many more things than H that can end up coming between you) because *I wish I was in their shoes!* ... I wish I was the one posting saying "I Think I found the one!". This is nothing personal on you ... I'm just letting you know another perspective ... there are THOUSANDS of us on here who would love to be in your shoes with someone who you feel might be a potential life partner .....

 

I know the wingman article says that this will show me the type of person he truly is, and if he sucks then I don't want to be with him. And that's true; if he sucks, I won't want to be with him! But, what if he is really wonderful about it, but still can't deal with it? He is obviously entitled to those feelings, but that will be even worse because it will show me that he is a great guy, but my condition makes me less "worthy."

 

Well, I didn't say that when someone walks they "suck" necessarily. You are right ... they may be a great person... but just not the person for YOU ... because IMO if they say you could "show up with a shaved head and tattoos all over my face and he wouldn't go anywhere " and then they walk when you disclose, well, they are all air and no substance IMO. Or maybe he's a Germphobe (which can be tough to live with) or high maintenance (one of my "walkers" spent more money on skin care products than *I* do). So H may be saving you from something you would discover much later when you have a lot more invested and it's harder to walk away.

 

Go back and re-read NSGreenvilles disclosure ... how he discovered that real intimacy (or Into Me See) comes from getting to know the person FIRST .... and how amazing that is to experience ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[verysadfornow]

Wow - you are a wonderful cheerleader! I really appreciate what you're saying, and I do ultimately believe all of it. It's just harder for me to face in reality.

 

I am going to try to get all of this into my head to the poinit where I can block out the chatter (it's so hard. My chatter is very loud!!). In the meantime, do you think it is wrong that I am not telling him? We still talk all the time. He is so sweet to me. I feel like I am stringing him along by not telling him, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now (we aren't close to having sex at the moment, all though I'm sure he'd like to be). What is the point of no return, where you *have* to tell someone or they will hate you? Barring sex. I'm not having sex with someone who doesn't know. I promise!

[WCSDancer2010]

You tell him when it's right for you. You have sex with him when its right for you. Don't rush any of that you are not ready for. Now, it's possible that the longer you take to tell him the more upset he will be that you withheld that. Again, that tells you something about his character... if he can't understand your need for time and respect that, if it angers him that you needed the time you need, well, he may not be a great fit for you.

 

Tell him when you are sure that you see a future together. When you feel he has earned the right to see that vulnerable side of you. And not a moment before.... ;)