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There is nothing wrong...you're fine.

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"There is nothing wrong ... You're fine." This is what everyone told me or have told me for the past almost three months now. I only had a yeast infection and in no time I would be fine. What I couldn't understand is why had my yeast infection over stayed its welcome. I felt something in the pit of my stomach and it told me it was something more. Why hadn't the medicine work and the symptoms of irritation and discomfort persist. I didn't look weird down there but I sure felt too outlandish for it to be just that. I had sex for the first time in January with a guy who seemed to really care and feel for me but it was just an act. I guess it was expected...he was married. I never would of gotten involved and when it all started I rejected any advancement but I got worn down and he told me his marriage was over. The chemistry felt crazy and long story short we had sex. Right away I felt out of the normal. I had irritation and discharge. I went to the Emergency room and all I was told was I probably had an allergic reaction to the latex condom and everything would go back to equilibrium in no time. Time passed and here we are. I saw eleven doctors and everyone told me I was fine. I would practically beg them to run different test but all of them said it was a yeast infection or an allergic reaction. @-)


I finally accepted this with resentment. And I finally believed I was going crazy from the guilt. Having an affair and knowing my mom and brother raised me better than that.... plus I let myself down. 19 years and I remained a virgin only to throw it away to him. A married man who carried herpes. I went on anti depressants and anxiety medication. I had so many nights where I would have panic attacks because I would feel discomfort down there and believed so hard in everyone else and their conclusions. I was crazy and my therapist was right. I would have to talk to myself in a mirror and say you're okay the doctor said it why can't you move on?


I know why now. It was last week that I got a call and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The nurse from my gynecologist had test results from blood drawn and vaginal cultures which by the way wouldn't of been done if I hadn't nagged my doctor... anyways she dropped the big bomb. I was positive for herpes type two. After that moment I couldn't trust this world anymore. The doctors, the guy, and everyone in between. I knew something was wrong and everyone made me feel crazy. Everyone told me and told me and I had to digest this when I know my body. A body which now carries the gypsy we call herpes. When I realized where I found I was, I wanted to kill myself. I mean, who would want me? I probably wouldn't be able to have kids and the medications that comes with it. I wasn't strong enough for this. How would I tell anyone?


I ended up at my sister's grave. I cried myself dry...I yelled my dad's name until my voice lost its strength and I just laid there in a fetal position. By then the desire to hurt myself was still present but the actual ability to do it wasn't there. At that point I had to find someone. I didn't and couldn't be alone and thats when I went to my friend. She held me. I cried harder than I had already. The rest of that Friday I spent being watched by her boyfriend and my godmother while in the background my brothers girlfriend told him I was positive. The news reached my mom and then it all came back to me. The next morning I talked to my mom. Just that phrase... I have herpes.....tore me up inside. I broke my mom's heart and later that night my brother called me. It was apparent I broke his, too. He had recently had a child and felt horrible for it because if it wasn't for his kid he would of killed my giver. He felt like he had failed to protect me and brought up all the past and the hardships and how we never get a break. I just realized at that moment I couldn't let this hold me down. I couldn't throw stones at my giver or even wish him bad.


I think on it now and he has to be in more pain than me. Who does this to someone? Give them a virus to carry and afflict them all their life? What broken person does this? I can't do anything to fuck his life more than he already has it fucked. I just don't know what to do now.. I don't want to harm him because realistically I still find myself with this virus and the beauty and every unpleasant blister. I still have to hold myself together and I can't do that if I am exerting effort in hurting someone. I just want to get onto the path of dealing with this. I don't know why it was me but I know it is me.


In this weird way I feel its a blessing the more I see it. Stress triggers the outbreaks? Well guess who is horrible with stress? ME! Then the relationships like that with me and my mom was so damaged and this is bringing me and her closer together as well as others. I am eliminating all the things that don't matter and trying to milk everything around me. My dad passed away two years ago and I think this was his way of not putting me in worse situation but in a better one. Seems out there, but this is what's keeping my mind sane. Especially after I went to my giver and told him I was positive...what he had to say? "I hope you didn't give it to me!" I couldn't help but call him a pernicious cunt....sorry for my language. I was still raw and still am. I won't hurt him like I said or wish him bad but ughh fuck life.. I just need to know where to go from here.

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I know exactly how you feel. My giver said the same thing to me when I told him I was herpes positive. I was just dumbfounded by how much of an asshole he was acting like. He was being so heartless & made me feel like I was trash. We're not together anymore. But I'm still trying to heal & cope. It's a hard process. But what's helped me just deal is remind myself everyday that I'm not my disease. My disease doesn't define who I am. My disease didn't give me my compassion, intelligence, talent & beauty. & I'm not a bad or disgusting person. & then I just try to remind myself about what my goals are & what I want to do with my life. I can't let this stupid disease stop me from having an amazing & fulfilling life. I can't control what happened to me, but I can control how I deal with it & how I can use it to my advantage. You know, turn a negative into a positive. & when I've achieved the success I want to achieve in life, have the means to help those that suffer from the same problem along the way & tell them I've been there, know what you're going through & I can help you. I'm sure you are an amazing & talented person & you have so much to offer this world. Focus on that. It sorta helps.

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It does and I appreciate what you say. Its just hard...all of it. You want to keep your life going and then bam the herpes is there and you realize you aren't completely back to normal. I want people to meet me and get to know me but it just scares me having to tell people which I will because I won't put anyone through what I am dealing with. It's just I feel like I have become something to fear because of social stigma. Even I freak out at H. Its like before I was afraid of what was under the bed and now I am afraid of what under the waist.


Take the herpes away and I am charismatic, funny, intelligent,adventurous, and some days I dare call myself pretty but because of the world we live in I'm just scared I won't find anyone. It was already hard without the herpes. I have been single for two years now and this just set me back. I really admire you though keeping your head up high and how strong you are. I hope to get to where you are sooner or later. As comfortable as my bed is I need to get up and go to class and be apart of my life not just an ornament. Thanks a lot hun.

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You both sound just gorgeous - I won't go into details about my herpes story, you can check out my other posts...I just understand the difficulties we all face with herpes. The more accepting and open you can be about this the more you will find others responding to it and your connections getting deeper with people. You will find someone special and you just have to be more discerning and truthful...both good things. This really is a test of integrity and those tests are never easy...

Regardless of herpes, you are still charismatic, funny, intelligent and adventurous...and you will find those parts of you again. Don't let herpes stop you, I haven't. Just remember its a process and some of the steps go backwards at times...just choose to be who you really are and don't let herpes determine that. You are worth more :-)

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Thanks for the support. And I am trying its a bit hard but I started going to a buddhist temple and they are helping me get though this. Its a major help.

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What a great thing to do! I have meditated for 20 years and live by buddhist principles - the healing, wisdom and self acceptance you gain from it will be invaluable. Good on you for taking a step to healing. Sending you good thoughts and healing tool. :-)


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