i wish i had a time machine

[peanutbutter]

I am 20 years old. I had a one night stand with a guy that I didn't even really want to have sex with. We had sex for about five minutes before I stopped it and told him that I didn't want to keep going. He didn't tell me he had herpes. And here I am with herpes and I can't believe it.

 

I got the call of my swab results a few days ago. Right before I was about to leave for a mini fourth of July vacation. I ignored it the whole vacation and pushed it to the back of my mind. Now that I'm back and reality is setting in I feel so depressed. I'm trying to think of a way the results could be wrong but I know deep down they aren't. Yesterday I could barely eat. I tried to get myself to leave the house and I couldn't. All I could do is watch tv and sleep. Today I left the house and started to tear up right as I got into the car. I usually like to workout and I can't even get myself to do that.

 

I used to live life in such a carefree and happy way. I feel like herpes destroys that. I have a good education, have almost a 4.0, am starting a new internship, getting a new apartment, have a great group of friends, etc. Yet when I think of all those great things in my life herpes takes the main stage bringing me sadness and hopelessness.

 

A previous love asked me to hangout today and normally I would have said yes but now I'm forced to say no. I can't think of disclosing this condition to anyone. Boys my age are immature and would not understand. They would most likely react with disgust or tell their friends or something like that.

 

I look at my friends with jealousy. (Which I know is wrong.) They are living the life I once had as well. One so carefree, fun, and happy. I am so sad. I have read countless success stories about herpes yet I still can't bring myself to be happy. I know it will probably take time but it just really makes me feel so hopeless right now. And I'm scared to get another outbreak.

 

[SPATX919]

Yes, it's going to take time but it'll happen faster than you expect. This forum helped me quite a bit. Not only with information but to get some perspective on the virus.

 

Just focus on what's good in your life for the time being. You still have that 4.0, the internship, the great group of friends. Try to find the upside of having the virus if that helps. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle (diet and exercise) is going to help prevent and lessen the severity of future outbreaks. And you also get to take your time and find a partner who is understanding.

 

Be careful who you tell because you're right about guys your age, any age really. I'm almost twice your age and have only told a handful of people, including my doctors. Not even my best friend knows my status.

[peanutbutter]

@SPATX919 Thank you for your words. I really really appreciate it!

[ash2018]

Hi peanutbutter!

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Its not something that I would wish on anyone. I was diagnosed a little over two weeks ago, although I dealt with the mental anguish of thinking I might have herpes for two and a half weeks prior to that. If you're interested, my only post (warning: it is long!) describes exactly what I went through. Any who, the anxiety absolutely ate me alive the first two and a half weeks and I think I lost like 6 lbs because of a decreased appetite. I wasn't functioning well in my daily life. By the end of that time period, my attitude had improved because I took on the approach of "it is what it is and nothing I can do will change it". I had that approach UNTIL I received the call that my swab was HSV1 positive. And then I went into a pretty deep depression for a number of days. I cried all the time, still didn't eat much. I felt somewhat better after meeting with the midwife who diagnosed me for a Q&A session but still very down at times. While I'm still learning to cope with this and all of the things I now obsess over with my body, my mental state is improving each day. And I have confidence that once my sensations down below return to normal, that my mental state will improve even further.

 

The only person I have told (aside from this group and another support group for my other health issue) is my fiance. I told him of my fear one night prior to diagnosis and broke down ugly cry sobbing a little over a week after this all started for me. The way he reacted and continues to react is something that I think has been invaluable to my healing process - unconditional love, acceptance, and support. I think that choosing someone in your life to confide in, even if only one person, could be of immense help to you. This forum is fantastic, no doubt! But having someone you knew "before" love and accept you regardless of this diagnosis, is a very soothing thing

[ash2018]

Also, I find myself thinking the same thing and envying others with their "care free" lives. But now I also find myself wondering "which one of them has this virus?" all the time. Statistically speaking, we probably encounter multiple people in any given day that have this virus, whether they are aware of it or not! And some I encounter, I KNOW have it because I've seen them with cold sores, so they have herpes - just in a different part of the body than ours