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Past Disclosers Gone Wrong. Please share advise for this time

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I've HSV2 for 1 year now! My anxiety is all over the place. The last 3 guys I've told weren't ok with it, I told them after 2 or 3 dates.

I'm seeing a new guy now, it's been almost 3 weeks and we've hung out 3 times and text.. He wants to have sex! What do I say so he doesn't run away!? How do I have the "talk" with him?

I want him to see me for me and not the H. I really like him and I want to have sex too but, I'm scared.


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Hi, @Aries_Girl!


There is no one right way to do this, but I first want to share with you that in the time I've been disclosing, I've encountered many people who were fine with it, then a few who were not, then another few who were. I think if I'd experienced those few "not fine with it" guys at the beginning, I would've felt kind of hopeless and discouraged. Fortunately I've done it enough times now to know that lots of people are fine with it. I hope you can remain optimistic.


When I disclose, I try to keep it brief and stick to the facts. I explain that I tested positive for HSV2, one of the viruses that causes herpes. I explain that I take antivirals daily to reduce a small risk of transmission to a smaller risk. I also get into my expectations around condom use. I always invite the person to ask questions and I've educated myself well enough to answer pretty much anything. Most often, they ask questions about outbreaks (whether and when I have them) and transmission (how likely, which sex acts pose risk, etc.). Sometimes they ask how long I've had it or what it's been like for me. I just answer honestly and trust that it's sort of a compatibility exercise.


I try to keep in mind that the greatest fear many people have about contracting herpes is having to disclose to others in the future. With this in mind, I disclose in a way that is matter of fact and not shame based. There is no narrative with villains and victims, just the facts. I also try to keep in mind that people I disclose to may have it themselves, or they may be familiar with it from a previous partner disclosing, or they may have friends or relatives who have shared their status with them. Or they may just be the type to not dwell on these types of risks. With all of that in mind, after stating the facts, I allow them to drive the conversation based on their own concerns (if any) and existing level of knowledge. If they say they aren't comfortable with the risk, I tell them I appreciate their honesty and move on. If they say something grossly inaccurate, I may educate them on that specific point, but I don't argue about it.


Some people disclose while texting, some in person. Some right away, some after multiple dates. You may need to experiment a bit to find what feels most natural for you.



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