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Still trying to figure out how to deal with this

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I found out that I have HSV-1 about a month ago when my new partner told me that I had given him herpes. I was in shock. I've been tested for the other STDs and believed that I've been clean. I didn't even know that you don't get tested for herpes unless you ask for it.


The partner was very upset and he told me that I was irresponsible. I had no way of knowing because I've never had a cold sore even as a child and I've yet to have any outbreaks. I had been married once, had other sexual partners in the past, but no one ever had any issues. He told me about a week after we had the second unprotected sex so I'm assuming that he was having some sort of symptoms but I don't know what it could have been because he stopped talking to me ever since.


I went in to get tested (IgG) and the result was HSV-1 positive, HSV-2 negative. By now I've learned that the majority of the population has HSV-1 without knowing the fact. I probably was one of them and I have no idea where or when I got it. When I was in middle school, I had a close friend who often had cold sores and we use to have sleepovers so we shared things. We might have even shared lip balms because we had no clue what we could end up spreading. Who knows it could have been the case or I got it from someone else somehow.


I also learned that you wouldn't know where you have herpes unless you have an outbreak and getting it swabbed so there's no way for me to find out the location since I'm not having any symptoms. I tried to ask the partner where and what but he's not responding.


This makes it hard for me to figure out how to deal with the situation. Without knowing the details, how can I even disclose? Can I kiss someone and it would be OK? Or I shouldn't even do that because it's too risky? We had both oral and vaginal sex so I don't know how he got herpes from me. Or he might have had it already and didn't know either? I don't know if he ever got tested and don't know what the result was if he did.


To be completely honest, I am not really looking for a serious relationship so that makes it harder, I think. Or is it not? It's not that I want to sleep around but I'm more into FWB type of relationship. I've already gone through a divorce so I'm not considering finding a life long partner. But I'd love to date and get to know someone who can be intimate with in more casual context. Is it even possible with HSV-1?

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Casual stuff is totally possible. Disclose, take steps to mitigate risk of transmission and worry less.


A user who seems to be less active here, hippyherpy used to promote casual sex whole-heartedly, as long as disclosure is the priority.

He stated hundreds of times that you would be surprised that many people who are both attractive and desireable are also comfortable with herpes enough to accept a little risk. Because the truth is we all accept that risk whether we know it or not.

Case and point, you didn't know, just like a lot of people don't know.


At least, you can tell your partners there is risk and you can use condoms and take suppression medicine to reduce risk significantly.


Don't let the anxiety and fear stop you from living the way you want to. As long as you get consent and aren't trying to harm anyone, you won't have anything to feel guilty about.

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