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RegularGuy

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RegularGuy last won the day on August 16 2019

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  1. There are a million rationalizations and comfortable lies to tell yourself. Each of them temporary helps make you feel like doing wrong is okay. But each person has a right to consent, including in situations that could effect their well-being or their own view of themself. Taking that right away is no different from sexual abuse of any other kind. Do you have the power to manipulate and hurt people? Yep. Everyone does. Can you rationalize and make excuses that help you feel comfortable with manipulation and abuse? Yep. Everyone can. Wasting all that effort to make yourself comfortable with hurting other people is a damn shame. You could expend all that thinking and all that planning on trying to do something good for yourself (or better, someone else, too). You've got some internal struggle with regaining your pride and your self-image. That might be a big challenge, but it's one worth engaging. Hurting someone else because you've found a way to be comfortable with it isn't going to help you respect yourself, or be comfortable in your own skin again. In fact, it's going to sabotage any chance you will have at finding some happiness. You don't have some Godly charge to tell anyone about your diagnosis. But you do have the choice not to hurt people, destroy your own self-respect and ruin opportunities for happiness in the process. It's not all about the other people you effect. A big part of it is giving yourself a fighting chance to not have to feel sub-human over a medical condition. If your real concern is rejection, and this will be bluntly honest. Tough. Deal with it. Plenty of people deal with plenty of rejection without a medical diagnosis. If herpes is the only factor interfering with your sex life, count yourself lucky. You deserve to be able to see yourself as a desireable, valuable person. If you can't, why should anyone be a victim to your pretense or omissions?
  2. The fallout doesn't disappear by ommitting the truth. The damage is not undone by lying. Realistically, there is nothing to be gained by avoiding the conversation. Your silence and avoidance will only compound your guilt and her anger. You have to start that conversation so that you can regain your own self-respect. Otherwise, alone or married, you will continue to undermine your own happiness and hurt the people close to you. Your actions and your decisions do matter. You may have felt like there would be no, or minimal impact from choices you made. But your decisions and your choices are very powerful. Use that power to try to do good, to try to do right by yourself and those closest to you. There are a million reasons not to do the right thing. Spend enough time racking your brain on it, and you'll eventually find a few things that temporarily make the wrong thing more comfortable. But it won't last and your silence will continue to erode your own ability to find contentment.
  3. Well, there is no easy way. To find a great relationship, you'll have to dig through dating and deal with a lot of disappointment. I think the first question when someone asks for dating / relationship advice is really one of finding out what you want. There is nothing wrong with having a few and getting lucky, by the way. You disclosed before getting physical, the rest is a matter of the other person's responsibility. You certainly have no reason to regret being desireable and available. But you can probably start the journey of seeking a relationship by thinking about what it is you really want. If the honest answer is to seek casual sex for a while longer (or the rest of your life), there is nothing wrong with that. But, if you really do want to get into something stable, that's a bit bigger of a challenge. First, you probably know a few things you definitely don't want. Based on that, you can figure out what kind of person might fit that image. Next, decide what you think you do want. Lots of talk? physical touch? Very little touch? Lots of Independence? Those are very personal things and you should consider them needs. Only a person who is right for you will get those things right consistently, because it has to be part of their nature. Don't fall victim to stereotypes here. Even if you're into silence, rope bondage, and want to be able to watch porn regularly, there are many kinds of people who would fit that kind of relationship. Doctors, cashiers, accountants, engineers and hedgefund managers. All kinds of people can fit your ideal image of a relationship. It's just a matter of finding someone who earns your respect, admiration and does so naturally. Finally, consider the kind of person you are. Do you feel like the person you have assembled in your imagination finds you ideal as well? This is the second most common place people struggle, deciding who they need to be to attract the person they want. The biggest folly here being that you can't fake it forever, they'll learn who you are eventually. Sometimes that means learning to accept and appreciate yourself, sometimes that means hammering your looks and your personality into someone better. Usually, it's a little bit of both. Don't discount the impact that some dating techniques can have. Being a good first date is just as important as being a good teammate in a relationship. It's not just being respectful and courteous, it's body language and topics of conversation, too. If you want to find an ideal match, you'll have to work at it. Go on lame dates, get rejected, work on the little imperfections, until you finally meet someone that makes a good potential match. Then, have the courage to voice your desire for another date, a call on the weekend, or however you move forward, knowing it might not work out anyway. Personally, I found being honest and straightforward sped things up for me. Either to seal the deal, or to move on and find someone else's time to waste (most often the latter, haha!) Dating apps work, but the attention seems to ebb and flow. Combine courageously asking for numbers in person when you're going about your day-to-day with putting up some dating profiles. Even if you are totally honest about what you're looking for, you'll probably get a lot of attention from people who either don't believe what you say, or don't care what you're looking for. You just gotta keep trying. As a dude, my best piece of advice is square off both your hips and shoulders and make eye contact. In my mind, I would remind myself with the phrase, "engage the enemy directly." Dudes tend to stand side-by-side and talk facing the same direction as our friends and allies. To women, that body language is one of callousness (or weakness, I guess). Even though it would be agressive for two guys to square off toward each other for an entire conversation, to women it repesents interest and attention (I guess). Aside from that whole essay, you really won't find any shortcuts. I guess if you knew you wanted to date a nurse, you could drop by the ER a couple times a week...
  4. You certainly do have plenty you could stress about. We all have past regrets, too. And I know how hard it can be to picture that you might actually get to live the kind of life you want. But you definitely do deserve to give it your best shot. You deserve to see yourself as a person who is worthy of a fighting chance. The mantra can be hard to convince yourself of, even if you repeat the words you need to hear every day. That doesn't mean you should stop saying those words, though. I'm really glad you took the time to write that down, though. Sometimes getting things straight in your head is hard enough on it's own. Being able to categorize and quantify your current struggles and your current worries helps to evaluate the path you are on vs the path you want to be on. And it seems like you are doing exactly that. Keep working at it. When you're ready, take the next step and quantify and categorize what you want to do / need to do to get yourself closer to your goals. This is the part where a lot of people struggle with mental barriers (myself included). Don't discount viable options, just because they seem unlikely or a little far-fetched. Take note of those, evaluate what is readily doable and figure out if you need to change some facet of your behavior or course of your life. It sounds like you've already done this at least a little, and it's possible you redo this exercise occasionally. But don't let yourself get stuck on the planning phase, either. Considering you are going to college, you must have already done all this at some point and are currently taking action. And that's really great! It's not about making things ideal right away, or for ideal circumstances to happen in the next couple of months. It's about setting yourself up for success. So that ideal circumstances are a real and inevitable possibility a few short years down the road. For most people, takes adjusting your lifestyle and your plans occasionally. That's not an instantaneous process in itself. But making incremental progress toward those changes, and becoming the person you want to be are absolutely things to be very proud of! You deserve to see that in yourself. You deserve to eventually find someone who sees that in you, too.
  5. You'll have to shop around to find a doctor you like. Seek a doctor who answers your questions willingly, takes your concerns seriously, and demonstrates a genuine interest in your health and well-being overall. You'll also want to find an office / hospital with friendly staff who handle appointments and answer questions about out-of-pocket cost willingly and accurately. It's worth having to drive across town for, in my opinion. Don't trust the individual reviews online too much. Most reviewers either give 5 stars for mediocre service, or 1 star for circumstances of their own doing.
  6. Yeah, countryboy said it best. Always when you aren't searching. Maybe it's a chemical thing, maybe it's in your demeanor. The good news is that you have undeniable proof that you are still desireable and worthy of other's interest and affection.
  7. The fact is that herpes can transmit to any mucus membrane. Eyes, ears, mouth, genitals, anus, etc... You are correct that condoms help prevent transmission. So does taking suppression medicine daily and abstaining during out break. But risk will always be there to some degree. That's why disclosure is so important. You should talk to a doctor about suppression medicine like Valtrex and similar stuff. Talk to them about preventing transmission, too. If you need more advice or support, we will be here.
  8. Well, it's impossible to diagnos a medical condition over the internet, especially for people who are doctors. I know the uncertainty and waiting is probably less than thrilling, but you really should do your best to carry forward with your life either way. If you end up needing a place to vent, or people to reach out to, we will be here for you.
  9. I'm really glad you pulled yourself up. Keep doing that! Your strength and your resillince are definitely something to be proud of. You have the ability to decide who you will be. You can decide to be someone who is strong, dependable, worthy of affection and respect. Be that person.
  10. You've been through some really hard times. It hurts to know that bad things happen to good people. Sorry things aren't great, but welcome to the club. We're all here for you, to be a sympathetic ear and to offer some advice if you need it. I think the most important thing I can share in response is that you have to decide to give yourself a chance. Not just because that's how you carry forward, but because you deserve a chance. A chance to dig out some happiness and contentment when you can. If you really honestly try, you'll find that there are good things waiting to happen for you. Sure, there is more struggle. But there is a lot more happiness than struggle. I know because I considered doing some pretty extreme things for a brief time. Thankfully, I decided to test myself by taking on a new challenge: To see what good I could be to the people I care about. To see what use I could be in my job. To find out if I was worth anything in my own opinion. If you give yourself that chance, really test yourself in a fair set of scenarios, you find out you're worth a lot more than you think. You are valuable, you can do good, and you are worthy of affection and respect. Especially your own. And that's where you have to start when you feel so low. You have to start challenging yourself to give things your best effort and also give yourself permission to see exactly how good your best is. You'll find out that you really do stack up as a person worthy of your own respect and admiration. But it won't happen accidentally. You'll need to set aside your anger over your past, your shame and your guilt will need to be shoved aside. You have to do it so that you can focus on what your reality is, free from all the mental barriers you have built around yourself. You have to do it so that you can decide what kind of future you really want and give yourself a chance to prove, internally to yourself, that you can do it. Because you deserve it. What you don't deserve is to punish yourself over past circumstances by dwelling on the hatred and the pain. You deserve to decide who you will be and work toward getting yourself there. And it starts with giving yourself a fighting chance at it.
  11. I totally agree. There are a lot of bad things that can happen. But if there is any discernable point to living, it would be to do as much good as we can and try to carve out some measure of happiness for ourselves and our loved ones. It doesn't have to change the world, it's just a little bit at a time.
  12. Hope you all are finding some things to enjoy this summer. I know it's hard for many in the community. I've been giving my brother and a few old buddies from previous jobs similar advice as what I often give here. About self-image, self-respect, seeing the good qualities you have, trying to do right by you and yours. I find there are a lot of ways that life beats good people down. There are a lot of sources of frustration, anger and sadness. The only difference between someone who overcomes quickly and someone who struggles for years is how they see themself and their future. For those who fall victim to self-defeatism and who believe that they don't deserve the future they want, overcoming hardship can be a long and miserable process. This seems to be the most common stage of dealing with struggle that people get stuck in. The earlier stage being accepting the situation and the implications in the first place. Some will transition through this in a day, others in several years. It's a matter of having the courage to admit what the bad news is to yourself. The later stage is deciding how you want yourself to be and how you want your life to go. Then, deciding how to get there. Deciding that you will get there. So, when you find yourself struggling to deal, or feeling fear for your future. Take a step back and contemplate why. Accept the hard facts without putting up mental barriers around yourself that might not truely exist. Then, decide what is important to you and prioritize those things. Finally, do what you must to regain your self-respect and pride so that you can find the courage and the strength to use those good qualities you have to make the changes you need. It's easier said than done, but it is how you will overcome. Not just HSV, but a lot of hardships are overcome this way. In that process lies a thousand small milestones along the way, and a thousand other methods for dealing and carrying forward. But that's the general idea.
  13. You told her the truth about the situation, which is what matters out of everything you detailed. That took courage and demonstrates your ability to prioritize someone else's health and well-being over your own temporary comfort. That's a really big deal. It's obviously a tough situation, and you understand your own accountability. That's also profound. You can only let her decisions be her own, but you can decide who you will be from now on. Just because you screwed up and sabotaged your own happiness once doesn't mean you should keep doing it. You deserve to be able to move forward from this moment and start implementing the introspective qualities you're experincing. Don't wait. Don't search for attonement in one single act. Decide who you will be by deciding what it is you want, what you need. You do still deserve those things, whether you believe it right now or not. There is courage, strength and honesty in you. Suspended in heavy clouds of rationalization and self-defeatism. Despite how you feel about your actions and yourself as a person right now, you demonstrated that you are capable of doing right. Both for the people you care about and for yourself. Don't ignore that part of yourself, it clearly exsists, and there are still many people who will be rewarded for seeing those things in you as well. You will overcome and steer yourself toward that ideal image of yourself. But you'll have to work at it every day. Despite feelings of shame and regret, you can see good qualities in yourself if you choose to. Give yourself permission to see those things, remind yourself of them often. Let her decide to go on, or help her to cope if she asks, but don't let this drag on for longer than it has to. Move forward. Decide who you want to be, lessons learned included. Convince yourself you deserve to be that person, and make the changes, perform the actions, and do it every moment of each day. Your actions and your decisions are powerful. Powerful to those closest to you, and powerful to yourself especially. Use that power to become who you deserve to be: A courageous, trustworthy, desireable, strong person, worthy of affection and admiration. Especially your own.
  14. Why wouldn't he understand? Why wouldn't you tell him?
  15. If you work on appreciating yourself and (if you have to) earn back your respect for yourself (like I had to), the feeling of "dealing with it" will fade. Trust that you will be able to feel like you're just living again. If you have to take some time to have some solidtude, take it. Use it to collect your thoughts. If you realize you need to force yourself out of bed to try to engage in a "normal" day, do it. Use it to observe yourself doing your best to create the kind of life you want to live and be proud of yourself for it.
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