Just got diagnosed today and meeting with this guy I just had unprotected sex with to tell him tonig

[Iamstillme]

Hello,

 

I am very new to this world. I stumbled upon this page while looking for tips on disclosure and then drifted off into the general discussion area and I have to say I don't think I'm reacting as devastated as I should be? Not sure if that makes sense but yeah I understand fully what the virus is and what comes along with it. I am not upset about the diagnosis honestly I am relieved that it is nothing life threatening. Things could definitely be worse.

 

However that is not what I need advice on.

Okay, so I met this guy on Tinder 5/27/18. Ever since we matched we have not stop talking to each other, our first conversation was about 2 1/2 hours long and when we met in-person we clicked instantly and have been together almost every day since.

 

Welll, right before meeting this guy I have amazing chemistry with -we'll just call him 'John'-, I had a casual sex encounter with a fellow, whom when we had the whole std talk assured me that he was clean and hadn't had an std since he was 17 which now he is 25 so I was like cool, okay let's do this. . . few days later had what I thought was an allergic reaction to the condom (Which has happened before)... So I order non-latex condoms, when we go to have sex a second time (about two weeks later) they're too small. So what did we do?

 

You got it! have unprotected sex.. Meanwhile my only thought was "make sure he pulls out" I wasn't even thinking or looking for any suspicious signs of an std.

 

Anyway that was on a Wednesday... that following Sunday I felt a burn when I peed almost like I cut myself shaving or something and the pee was hitting it, so I passed it off for just that... After six LONG days of increased pain, many more "Cuts", failed home remedies and terrifying google results I finally went to the urgent care in desperate hope for guidance. The doc told me it didn't look like classic herpes but since I couldn't afford the test she'll treat me for it as though it were so that maybe it would cause some relief... (Mind you, this whole DR. ordeal is all talking place while talking to 'John, I simply told him I was going to pick up meds from a special pharmacy and left it at that.)

Well a few days later I break out in rashes all over my body ( Hands, arms, & Knees). I go to planned parenthood to actually get tested because I am really concerned at this point, like what could I possibly have contracted?

 

Come to find out I am one of the rare few that are allergic to anti-viral meds and since they're all in the same family can not take any of them. *Face-palm emoji. But anyway I got swabbed and tested for not only herpes but the whole panel while there.

 

Let's take a pause and go back to 'John' for a second.

 

So among this 2/3 week time-span I have grown to know everything about this man, our bond is so rare and I am not really a feelings person at all and if I like someone it usually takes me awhile to figure it out. With that being said I really and genuinely like this human and I know for a fact he feels the same.

 

When we first started hanging out in person I let him know straight up, I was not interested in having sex, and before I even consider it he has to cut-off his sexual partners and get tested. Which he did, Friday he went and paid a lot of money and got tested (All but Herpes & Trich) because it was like an extra $100.

Howeverrrr, I am not sure if I slipped up because he was so sweet and willing to do whatever it took but Saturday when I came over we both got extremely drunk and had sex... He couldn't fit the non-latex condom either so we ended up going unprotected. I remember mentioning "We haven't got our results back yet" repeatedly but it didn't seem to worry him so I went with it. The next morning not only did I have a hangover but I woke up at 5am because I was back in my right mind and felt absolutely horrible. I went out in the front room by myself and just stayed out there because I couldn't grasp my mind around what just happened an there was no taking it back ( Mind you, the "cuts" are gone and cleared away at this point) but still. I wasn't only concerned about me giving him something but also terrified because his results hadn't come back and I literally was being irresponsible all over again and whatever the consequences that come will be on me. So anyway that same day we ended up having sex two more times because we were both prettty much like fuck it at this point what's done is done. However, I haven't touched him since.

 

So finally, Yesterday 'John' called me and was super excited to tell me that his results came back negative. So I was like okay, awesome(I was so relieved) and went online to check my results, all my results came back negative as well. EXCEPT there was not a result for the herpes culture so I told him about my results and then let him know however that I am still waiting on the herpes results, he's like "oh okay, yea, I still have to do mine too" so anyway I get a call about an hour ago from the doc and she tells me that it came back positive for herpes but she doesn't know what type because the "cut" was pretty much healed when I got tested so they did not have much to work with.

So now I'm like dang, I have to tell this man what I was just told because out of respect for him and his health he should know since we've already engaged in sexual activities but also because I really like this man, I have a kid and he's accepting of him and I've never felt a chemistry like this, he's already expressed his concern for not wanting to lose me and idk he's just have made a lot of sacrifices and adjustments to please me and make me comfortable so far.

I am not going to lie though, I feel like now since I've already had sex with him, my chances of him accepting me are lower than if we would've waited for the results and then had this discussion.

 

At the same time I honestly think he may think he already has it which is why he wasn't trying to test for it and doesn't seem too concerned when I mention things here and there. I don't think he knows for a fact but I do think he knows it may be a possibility.

 

I don't know but I guess the question I am asking is how should I go about telling him since we've already had sex?

And also, I would like a male's point of view if possible, like how would you feel if you were in his shoes and a new girlfriend approached you about this after having sex with them.

[RegularGuy]

You already know you definitely have to tell him.

Consent isn't a one time thing. It's every time, all the time.

Equally important, he deserves to know he might have contacted the virus already.

It's not hard to say what you have to say to disclose, and failing to do it is malicious and manipulative. Worse, you'd feel terrible about withholding something so important.

Keep your concience clear, maintain your self respect and dignity. Make a phone call and say the words.

As soon as he picks up, or the voice mail beeps (as was my case in making the calls) just start saying "I just found out I have herpes..." Etc, etc. You'll start feeling better about it instantly, and know you did right for yourself and for them.

[Iamstillme]

Results..

Okay.. So I went over his house last night after work, brought him food. Let him eat because I wasn't sure if this would make him sick to his stomach. But um yeah, so I after he was finished I just straight out told him.. "Hey my results came back today and I have Herpes" he laughed at first because he thought I was messing with him but once he found out I was being serious he really didn't say much more about it except just kept making sure that he didn't give it to me? I kept telling him I got tested before the first time we had sex and he was like okay he'll get tested, but as far as to what is going to happen between us as a couple? we'll see. He still wants me to come stay the night tonight and hasn't canceled any of our plans for the weekend and held me last night and kept asking me if I wanted to cry? lol but I wasn't feeling the whole crying thing I was trying to stay calm. Although how supportive he was being did make me want to cry because he was still kissing all over me and was just too sweet.

He did say he needed a few days to come to realization, so we'll continue the conversation Friday even though we're going to see each other in-between then so idk, overall glad I told him. That guilt would've eaten me up but I will let y'all know what happens Friday. :)

[RegularGuy]

You handled that situation really well!

Giving him a chance to think about things is great. There's no rulebook out there when it pertains to relationships, as long as things are legal and consenting, do what feels right. If it isn't a thing and he doesn't bring up a conversation about it, that's his own decision. If he ends up talking to you a lot about it, that's fine. Either way, how things move forward is a simple matter of what each of you are comfortable with and what you expect for the future.

You got this situation in a good state because you gave him the opportunity to decide for himself. Keep being honest and frank with him and you'll have nothing to beat yourself up about.