Not supported by my partner

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Hi. So I’m pretty new to this and I wish I wasn’t even in this at all but I am and there’s nothing I can do. So maybe I should start from the beginning. I’ve only ever had 2 sexual partners excluding the guy who raped me stole my virginity. The other two men that I have slept with were both my boyfriends. Before we had sex we did the std check stuff and all was peachy. My current boyfriend I met very soon after I broke up with my first and we hit it off right away he was really sweet to me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. about a year into our relationship things started to have problems. He didn’t want me to hang out with any of my guy friends some who I had friends with for like 5 years this led to some resentment from me in our relationship and eventually we broke up, and I was devastated. I would do anything to have him back I thought. We continued to talk after we broke up and try to work things out. We were having sex and he told me that he was not and had not talked to anyone else. We eventually got back together. He told me that he had gotten an std test because he thought that I was sleeping around during the break up and it was all negative. I never asked to see the results because I hadn’t been with anyone and he swore to me that he hadn’t either. I told him that I would just want to know if he had been with anyone for my health and he said that he hadn’t and I trusted him. I didn’t ask to see his std results because I really wanted things to work and I didn’t want him to have any reason to be mad at me or tell me he didn’t want to get back together. Fast forward about a mo th I noticed that he was acting strange and I know I shouldnt have but I went through his phone and saw that he had been having sex and hanging out with this other girl during our break up. I was devastated and felt violated but was still so in love that I accepted his apology and like an idiot didn’t have him go get tested and show me his results. I took him at his word that he had went and got tested and everything was negative. I went ang got myself tested and all was good std free. Still though I was always really concerned about stds and expressed this to him on multiple occasions even telling him that my worst fear was to get genital herpes. He promised me jhe was std free. Well fast forward about a year he told me that he had developed some bumps an his penis and went to the doctor. She told him it was folliculitis. He told me that she tested him for everything std wise that day and he was in the clear (which I later found out was a lie. She diagnosed him with folliculitis on a visual exam and did no further tests) so being the over paranoid person that I was I went and got my own test and it came back positive for hsv 2, I also had a swab done of a cut that I had made when trimming my pubic hair with scissors which can back positive for hsv 2. He later confessed that he did not know what his original std test had tested him for. It he was told it was a global test and figured it included herpes so when he told me he was negative for herpes he thought he was. I had him get a blood test and he was positive which i was not supposed about as I was negative just a few months before my positive test. I don’t think he cheated on me but I guess I’ll never know. I have taken the diagnosis very hard and have baisically been in a deep depression. But every time I try to talk about it with him he gets angry and yells at me. So I have given up trying to talk to him about it because the two time that I did he lost his shit yelled at me and left. If I feel sad about it to the point where I can’t pretend to be alright I just don’t hang out with him because he gets mad at me if I am acting sad. The only other person that knows is my mom who has been beyond supportive but I have sworn her to secrecy and feel bad about this because she doesn’t have anyone to talk to about her feelings but I really don’t want my dad to know which would be the person that she would talk to. I feel like I am burdening her with this andalso that I have disappointed her. I also now feel trapped in my relationship with a boyfriend who really doesn’t support me. I am a 23 year old attractive girl. I’m used to sort of having my pick of the litter and feeling confident in the dating world. I’m premed and always considered myself to be responsible. Now I just feel lost, ashamed, angry, scared, and hopeless. I guess I just need someone to talk to other than my mom. Sorry this was so long

[nanhah]

Hi there, 

First of all, you can talk to me. I know its maybe just an internet buddy, but really it helps. 

Second of all, do not feel trapped! It is obvious to me that this guy is not trustworthy and has been acting shady. Now he doesn't even support you? Not worth your time. I was diagnosed on my 19th birthday, never having been in a relationship before. I felt like I had ruined my life, and that no one would ever love me, and that I deserved a lonely life. Nearly a week after, I met someone. I was dealing with unbelievable amounts of shame and quilt and depression etc all that good stuff. I thought the last thing that would come out of this would be a relationship. BUT, he was the most supportive person in my life. He didn't care about h, he didn't care about my past. Even before h I never thought I would receive as much unconditional love as he gave me. I would not have been able to heal from this without him. Im telling you this because I want you to know that there are people out there who will value every part of you, even this part! Everyone has imperfections, there is always someone who will overlook them. And remember, its not a label, its not t he first thing people see or think about you. 

Don't give up your confidence, find someone that will truly support you in your bad times!