My Awareness after Years of Having Herpes 2/First Disclosure Went Awry/Seek Support

[feelingmyfeels]

Wow.. So a recent blood test this week confirmed officially : Positive Herpes 2 and negative Herpes 1. WTF!! I was hoping the results before were skewed and they weren't. I'm here for support and to decrease the stigma and shame I wax and wane with currently.

 

I had such a horrible experience this week. In 2014, I was told by a doctor in an email versus a written result/call (ugh) that I had been "exposed to herpes 2 "not verbatim I had it. (positive antibody) and she stated this is a "confusing result". Don’t know why i didn’t do more research then or gain more clarity 4 years ago. I was with a long term partner (6 years) at the time who I don't believe STI's concerned him. Dr. just said to avoid sex if i ever had a cold sore. I don’t know how this happens but i suppressed this information for 4 years and never gained clarity then. (Maybe too painful/confused Idk). I’ve never had any outward outbreaks. Later looking at the time of this "email" I had passed out around the same time (coincidence) and doctors thought I might have had a seizures which was ruled out. Apparently this herpes news I suppressed when weighing it with fainting/ potentially seizures (Yes really though I judge myself even saying that).

 

I recently began dating again after 7 years and did the whole sti panel with this new partner. I hadn’t shown any symptoms. They didn’t test me again for herpes on blood test so out of awareness). He and I touched one another naked, made out, with some saliva exchange with the fingering/hand jobs obvi. Days later receiving his results of negative herpes 2 triggered some subconscious awareness (i know it’s hard to make sense of) and I dug up the old email. I then went on to gain more clarity with a new doctor that it means i have it. WTF didn’t the dr tell me this before ?!!!!

[feelingmyfeels]

(A lot of anger here around this complexity and pain it’s caused me and him since). She stated that doctors say (exposed based on positive antibodies) as a pre-caution and they can’t state for sure unless you have sores. I was in disbelief and angry. I proceeded to tell this guy and he became really upset and felt betrayed I didn’t say anything prior to. (I get it!!!!! I was so compassionate for him and felt like shit that I could just “forget.”) His anger, fear, hurt, and sadness was coming through. I turned that hate at situation inward and got really depressed and luckily have a great social support group and amazing therapist. He and I have since talked and came to more closure which I am so thankful he was open to. (speaks to his character). I just may not have gotten the closure and would need to forgive myself for an honest mistake.

 

I’m trying to not beat myself up for putting him at risk even though it’s small. I wish I remembered and told him when kissing I have a lot of anger at doctors for not being explicit and towards myself for my ignorance. The stigma around STI’s is so huge. I had it before too until recognized I’m human and 1 in 6 people have herpes 2. I respect his decision to not want to proceed further due to fear of risking dealing with herpes, the stigma, and emotional pain I’m currently experiencing. We also haven’t known each other long and if it doesn’t work out he will have to tell people like me. I get it! Though i don’t have outward symptoms doesn’t mean a partner won’t It sucks I really liked him and felt a connection. The rejection sucks!!!!! (I don’t do well with it and have to adjust) I hope I meet someone that is okay with it. Now I don’t know when to tell people and scared of the rejection big time!!. (When we are kissing? Before?). This process is so new to me so any support and guidance is appreciated.

 

Looking for support. Trying to build self compassion and self empowerment that having Herpes 2 won't break me, decrease my sexiness, nor diminish my desire to date and have sex. Ill get through this.

Thanks

T