Needing support.. this is my reality

[Hopeforall]

I was in a 2 year relationship that ended around December of last year, our last time intimate was around November. I don’t know if I contracted it from my ex because to my knowledge there was so signs of having any std. the only thing that I can now think of is numerous times of not wanting to be intimate and also would claim to get “painful razor burns/bumps” from shaving below. Around January, I noticed what seemed like an ingrown down below so I much like others didn’t think anything of it. The only difference is that I had a bit of skin sensitivity and slight pain like around my hip area. A few days later it went away. In May, I had some very stressful times in life and a long sleepless night due to work. A few days later I noticed a “pimple ingrown” again down below. Again didn’t think anything of it. This time around it became more painful and wouldn’t heal. During that time I was seeing someone that I was in a relationship with a few years prior and we had been intimate around 3 times. I decided to go my the doctor. He told me that it seemed like a yeast infection, gave me 2 pills and a cream. I was a nervous reck because like many of us immediately go searching on the internet and I had a gut feeling it was herpes because of the symptoms I was experiencing. The doctor didn’t think it was but did a culture and said if you don’t hear from me in 7 days then everything came back ok. That week was the longest week of my life and on day 7 my now lesion was still not healed but I figured didn’t hear anything so no news is good news. An hour later the phone rings and it’s the doctors office saying that I needed to go in as soon as possible. I was there the next day to get the wonderful news I was diagnosed with HSV 2. I felt my world dropped and my life had completely shattered! He gave me an RX of valacyclovir for 10 days. After the 10 days I felt ok physically but mentally this has completely taken me over. I became extremely obsessive researching and cleaning every thing in my home since my biggest and only fear right now is not giving anything to my 5 year old. I went and got every std blood test and it all came back negative except now I also found out I has HSV1 ( I’ve never had any cold sores) The person I was dating at that moment also went to get blood work and also tested positive for both hsv1 and 2 but they have no symptoms of either. Because the diagnosis was so traumatic for me and trying to figure out how I got this, it was best that I end dating anyone for the moment and try to focus back on myself.

I am not so ocd with cleaning (except with the bathroom) again in fear for my child although I’ve read that you can’t get it through the toilet seat, I guess it just gives me a piece of mind. I was doing better taking lysine, vitamin c and a multivitamin. I also started seeing a therapist which has been my one and only support. I haven’t told anyone so when I get the thoughts in my head, I immediately obsess and start reading the internet ( I think I’ve read every herpes site in the internet) I honestly don’t know if it makes it better or worse. Just last week I had several shooting pain on my upper inner thigh. The pain didn’t seem normal or at least I’ve never experienced. I had shaved the day before and when I looked below I noticed what was becoming somewhat of a pimple. Because I had the pain I decided to take the medicine. I now am on day 5 of valacyclovir taking 2 500mg a day and the spot went away by day 2. I’m still experiencing sensitivity and noticed a small red bump. Don’t know if it’s another blister coming on or just my skin from shaving. I feel like I’m going crazy with this!!! I feel like ever since I found out about my diagnosis I feel constant feelings (tingling, sensitivity) and I have herpes on my mind constantly checking myself. I am obsessive about washing my hands specially when I’m around my child. I became so paranoid to even alllow her to lay on my bed or even share any drinks which before all this, it was normal (she’s 5). I don’t want this to now take away from the close loving relationship with my child. It completely kills me and I don’t want her to feel rejected by my obsessive fears. Anyone out there with children and can give me some advice please!!!!!! This is my first time posting on any forum, but I’ve noticed how supportive everyone’s  on this site. Hope anyone can give me some type of support 😞 

[Sahansom]

If you don't have sores in your mouth I wouldn't worry about it. I still give my 4 year old kisses! He cuddles on the bed with me just like before. Just like you I make sure the bathroom and my hands are clean. Give your girl some cuddles and love. Buy a special cup or water bottle for her if you are that worried and tell her she has her own special cup now! 

Don't let this run your life. You are still the amazing momma you were before.

[Hopeforall]

@Sahansom Thank you for your reply. I was doing so much better and slowly kind of even forgetting about H except when I felt the last ob which didn’t get to be an ob because I must have started the meds early enough. Since then I’ve been considering staying on the meds just so I don’t have to deal with the constant reminder. I’ve been again obsessing researching reading reading and reading. Been feeling pretty bummed out the past week/ depressed. When will this feeling go away!! Back to stressing about not passing it to my kiddo and so on..I feel like I’ve completely let her down (in my mind) gosh this can definitely take a toll on your emotions. I really appreciate your reply, I really don’t want to allow this to ruin my life.