H lesson to heal myself

[sunnydaze]

So about 10 years ago I was young and naive (and prude) and became infatuated with a young and fast dude. 2 weeks later, after a night of passion, I started to feel flu like symptoms and got an outbreak of sores on the vaginal area. Scared and depressed, the doctor gave me the Positive Results that I had Genital Herpes. For the next 8 years, I became a shell of a person, my smile and spirit dimmed down.  I remained ambitious but no longer as interested in my goals or trusted anyone.  I researched ways to cope and learned to watch lysine and arginine foods and to try to keep stress down as to not "trigger" an outbreak--as we know they suck.  I noticed I had to refrain from food with nuts (I miss eating Peanut M&Ms) and to try to meditate and do yoga.  I had no one to talk to about this, and just felt lonely with a proverbial big red "H" on my forehead.  Within this time frame I would date (when I felt decent) and always played hard to get as to avoid sex. I even built the courage to try online dating, and  met a cool and great looking dude I really clicked with.  I told the guy I had herpes on our second date (as things were going well).  He kinda freaked out apologized that he really liked me but could not take the risk, which I understood ---but of course it hurt me.  6 months later, that same guy tried to come back into my life and realized he didn't care about my H diagnosis, but by that time I had lost interest.  

Then after a series of failed dates, I became really into Self Help Books and found this book by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life."  This book explores the concept that all diseases are just 'dis-eases' and come from our thoughts--and that all ailments manifest from whatever negative things we think of.  It says under Herpes that it results from Sexual Guilt, which I realized I have from early sexual exposure and molestation. Only presently, have I started to read the entire book and it is helping my mindset to be optimistic and build confidence.  Having Herpes has been like a dark cloud over me.  I do not smile as much as my soul wants to, I have a sad undertone in social settings, I am insecure in relationships, I second guess and hesitate on everything from matters of the heart to my professional life because it requires other people to get to know me. 

What brings me here today is a recent, painful breakup.  I told my now ex boyfriend on our 2nd date 2 years ago that I have Herpes. He paused and said "thank you for telling me, I really like you, and would like to proceed with you."   Shortly into our relationship, I began a Mineral Detox, which made the symptoms subside and makes you feel like the virus has left the body.  But a stressful event late last year brought back 1 sore outbreak and forced me to change to a less stressful lifestyle.  After 2 years of living together, he showed me what a loving and healthy relationship is.  When we would have sex, I made sure to let him know how I felt and he was patient with me.  And sometimes, we threw caution to the wind (which made me feel guilty) but he said he didn't care, that he loved me enough that if I had it he would have it too.  Luckily he is a healthy and spiritual guy and is in Martial Arts so he has a VERY strong immune system.  Deep down, as a loving girlfriend I knew how much he prides himself on optimal health so would try my best not to pass it to him. Unfortunately, we could not make our relationship work right now for other reasons, but love each other dearly.  Shortly after we parted ways, he told me he went to the doctor and found he has Herpes now too--but has no symptoms or outbreaks. 

This has made me feel some pain and guilt.  Right when I thought I was confident and getting okay with it, his diagnosis sent me back to H Shame. So as I process this and heal myself, I am retrying the detox to see if its true, to cleanse it.  I am a new age type of chick, and now believe that we can heal our bodies through our thoughts.  Energy is everything.  Most importantly, I am learning that Self Love and Care comes first--YOU come first! This happened to us to teach us a lesson not to be ashamed in matters of sex, embrace it, its a part of life.  And I thank my ex for showing me that there are people out there who will love and support you no matter what you have going on.  We are more than H! I hope this helps --much love to all!

[Amando]

Hi Sunnydaze,

I totally understand that you may feel guilt, but you were honest, you told him & let him make his own decision, that's is all you could do!

He was caring enough to want to be with you & he made that decision.
You have thought half the battle & moved forward, don't let this bring you back to "H Shame"
as life is far to short, give yourself time to heal from parting with the man you loved, it always hurts.
You say "we could not make our relationship work right now for other reasons"
so is there a chance you could get back together?

Sadly the stigma to this disease is so overrated, a skin condition anywhere else on the body other than the genitals
is just a minor irritation in a persons life.

But guilt is something I don't think you should feel, Just forgive yourself (even though you have done nothing wrong)
& give yourself some time, I wish you all the best 

 

 

[sunnydaze]

Thank you Amando! Yes, I am working on healing this guilt. It is just a stigma and skin irritation (of sorts).  As for the relationship, only time will tell.  I think maturity and evolution is what is needed on both ends.  Nevertheless, your words are very comforting! I wish you well on your journey.