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Herpes talk went fine, but...

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Hi. I'm 43 and have had type 2 herpes for 23 years. My first husband had it and did not tell me. I got it a year into our marriage. It was unhappy from the start even prior to me contracting herpes, but we went on to have two children, I stayed with him so long in large part due to the fact I believed nobody else would ever want me. He didn't even want me and he gave it to me- we rarely had sex.


After 12 years I finally did initiate divorce. I met a wonderful man who was 100% accepting and not afraid. I was terrified to tell him, too, but it was amazingly fine. We have been married for 10 years, together 12 and he has never gotten it to our knowledge (no symptoms or outbreaks, but he is planning to get tested for future) and we have never used condoms. We also have two children together :)


Sadly, we are separating. Long story short our relationship was neglected for a very long time and we have tried to fix it, but don't seem to be able to. We are both ready to move on now. That's all I want to say about it and we still love each other dearly, like family.


I have another person in my life. We've been together for 9 months. He is also married. We have been intimate but no intercourse. The physicality is off the charts but the heart connection is even stronger. It's been a shock to both of us, as we both have been 100% faithful prior to meeting one another, and weren't looking for anything in any way, at all. It's been a very careful journey, to say the least. I've been skittish about the relationship for obvious reasons and just in the past couple of months have truly opened up my neart to him and believed in him.


Yesterday, after a weekend filled with anxiety and tears, I decided to tell him about the herpes. So yesterday, I did. He took it very very well. He asked a lot of questions and I answered them the best I could. He was exposed 30 years ago, said he had a "pimple" then but literally had not given it another thought. I told him based on that, he may well have it. He didn't even realize that cold sores are herpes. I think I might have overwhelmed him with information but by the end we were laughing and kissing and he promised that it would not send him running. He said I was glad I told him, and that he was glad I was giving him the choice as I'd never been given the choice.


I could never have lived with myself had we gone too far one night and I hadn't told him. I care about him far too much.


Today, all my anxiety is back. I'm afraid now that he's had time to think, he's going to see me as a person with this THING and not just me, who he cares about and desires. I'm scared he won't think I'm sexy anymore. I know our friendship will always remain and in the scope of things, that is the most important thing- but I'm still just anxious. I can't calm down. My husband knows about the situation (we are still living together and on as friendly terms as we can be) and he talked me through two panic attacks over the weekend. I was in NYC today and had to leave, I had a panic attack. I couldn't get to the train fast enough and that has never happened to me in the city before. I love the city. It's all because I can't stop thinking about this.


I know this all sounds so wacky. Please no judgment for the fact that two married people are falling for people who aren't their spouses. I never thought this could happen to me, and neither did he. All I can say on that is that Mother Nature doesn't give a damn about laws and rings.


The root of my anxiety is that if he thinks I'm unsexy (which he has given zero indication of- in fact today when I texted him he told me "everything will be ok" with a smile) then everyone will always think that, and I wil go through this cycle of attachment and rejection with everyone I ever meet. It's like this will cast a shadow over every future relationship.


I've only ever been with 7 people in my life. WAs hoping he'd be the eighth... Someday...


Does anyone else just feel broken, damaged?


Sorry to be such a whiner, especially on my second post. It's been a rough day.


Thanks for reading.

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Who is furious - your husband or the new guy? What made him angry? It's normal I think for people to have an array of emotions as it sinks in... give him some time to come around and see if he might simply need some more education. Keep your chin up! If he's someone who had such a strong connection with you, he can see through this!

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The new guy was furious. But ... He came around. We are taking it very slow but I think we will be ok. It brought a lot of other issues to the surface and it was overwhelming. He was angry that I hadn't told him sooner.


My husband knew about the herpes ages ago before we ever slept together. He also knows about new guy.


Life is such a bizarre ride. But if I've learned anything over the course of the past week, it's that herpes does not define me and that honesty is best, and the sooner the better. Procrastination wasn't a good decision on my part. But- I did the right thing by telling.

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I hope it goes well for you. My ex never really told me what he had. He said to me that he could never be intimate with another person again, and it's something between him and his doctor. When I asked if there is any cure, he said no.....and I started googling, and found out he had herpes!! I told him I didn't understand what the big deal was, and things started looking up for us......but you brought up a very good point. He said to me that he is a broken man......and I find it so hard because I love him so much and yet he has rejected me and most of his mental torment is from having herpes. I so hope things go well for you though. There are people out there who don't get caught up thinking herpes is the end of a relationship with someone.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Our relationship hasn't ended... Far from it. We've become even closer emotionally and are still together. He knows everything about me now and there's nothing to hide. I still get sad about it as I wish I didn't have it- but who doesn't, right? The amazing part is I held onto my integrity, he showed me that he really is the person I believed he was (is) and we are moving forward. It's a real soulmate thing and we have bigger things to worry about that herpes :/

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