lively
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Posts posted by lively
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Wow she's a tough cookie. No doubt she is injured and damaged herself, but this is not your responsibility, it is hers. It's so hard to believe who the people we fell for sometimes turn out to be.
Do not let her bully you. You don't have to accept her demands. Do you have a couple of friends who could drop her stuff off at her place, with an agreement that if there's any discrepancy, she will send you an email?
I would not allow myself to be in her company again. She is behaving in a toxic way towards you over a sustained time, and I believe it is self-abuse to allow her to continue, at least in person. I'd tell her too, simply say It's no longer healthy for us to see each other. I'm willing to negotiate if necessary, but not in person. Tell her on the phone or in an email. You don't have to keep exposing yourself here.
I do feel some compassion for her as she is obviously in pain and desperate, but it's truly her responsibility to deal with that and get help. Best of luck in completing the process.
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Wow Virgo Girl, that's totally outstanding! how excellent for you and for him! I'm so thrilled for you, just as you thought you were 'getting close to disclosing' you actually did it and almost didn't notice! wherever this association with this particular guy goes, you have taken enormous steps already. I'm so very proud for you, look in the mirror and admire yourself girl!
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Hi Scott,
what a hideous experience. Lelani is right. Run for the hills. The most important thing for you now is to nurture yourself. In time you will forgive yourself for choosing this woman and the result of that. It's a huge learning experience- if you promise yourself that you will get more learning and power from this experience, including contracting the virus, than you have paid for it in pain and misery, you will fulfill that.
I was diagnosed 18 yrs ago, had it for years without noticing, it was found incidentally in a gyno exam. My partner at the time was fine, I hardly thought about it until we broke up and I was seeking a new relationship...(btw we used no condoms and no medications, lovers for over 6 years , he didn't contract it.)
On my first disclosure, the man said, No thanks...and he was kind, respectful and compassionate about it. More recently, I disclosed again to a new love interest--and he was so okay with it, the whole conversation took less than 5 minutes, we were onto other things seamlessly. I was amazed! but there it is.
So I am PROOF that your ex is wrong! Real, healthy, loving people of both genders will see who you are beyond the virus. Some will say No thanks, some will say Yes please. Do not allow her to scare you into losing your best possibilities for love.
So let her go, WALK AWAY, and start your healing work here with us.
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Congratulations on getting closure, it does free us up; and also on making this be a powerful and useful experience, another step towards getting what you want. Sometimes it's better if we do know exactly our requirements for a relationship,and don't sleep with the guy until you know they are met, and that you meet their requirements too. Other times you can be lovers and work out requirements as you go, it all depends how vulnerable and attached you feel with sex. So great that he has raised the bar for you on how you will allow yourself to be treated. Look after yourself, and thanks so much for letting us know.
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Good for you girl. I love in your reply how you say your stuff about who you are and your process without in any way making himn wrong. He was a good guy too, he explained fully what was going on, and how valuable you were to him even though he felt he couldn't go there. So you are well on your way to the right guy for you, and next time it will be so much easier to disclose. Just surviving one rejection like this gives you so much more confidence next time....you know you can get through rejection so it just doesn't loom as large....and in the space that gives the other, there's so much more room to be who they are. I'm proud for you that you have come so far. Celebrate yourself Brenda, you are indeed a loving intelligent dynamic woman. Courageous too.
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How lovely Marii, congratulations. How relieved you must be feeling, not to mention thrilled that you have such a companion who is already proving himself worthy of you.
Loved the quote from Sheng Wang, will quote that one myself! love to all, Rosie
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Beautifully expressed Shannon, I was touched deeply reading your post. This is the opportunity we have with H. Our distress brings our feelings so up to the surface that we can see them and feel them clearly, sometimes for the first time. Embracing it as our vehicle for growth and contribution to others is such a big pathway to take, looking beyond our own misery takes courage and vision. Thankyou for sharing yourself so vulnerably, and for being the stand that others especially our children, won't be caught out by ignorance as many of us were.
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Oh WD you are so brave girl, it's ok to have some insecurity show its face, we are human too. Making the disclosure is the measure of your courage integrity and humanity. What happens after that is out of our hands. Don't know what will happen with this one of course, but you know we keep growing and healing and expanding our courage every day staying connected with each other. So even if he's off and away, there are others who won't be. Earlier this year I met the first man I thought I could really go deep with that I had in years......and he kindly but firmly said no thanks. Eight months later, here I am with a new man who said, I'm sure to have been exposed to it, probably a carrier. NO issue. We just keep healing bit by bit, and each time not only do we grow by having the Talk, we attract healthier possibility people to us. If not this one, he's not right for you. You're right, you and H are indeed a package deal. It's SO not an issue when it's not an issue, it's hard to believe it's the same virus that upsets us so much. So be gentle with yourself, know that you are in a process, and there really IS light at the end of the tunnel. xx
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Great post Breathe, it covers such a broad range of important elements of gaining power in the face of its loss, whether from recent diagnosis, or longer range issues. Those imperfections are indeed what make us human, and such a relief to stop hiding them! Thankyou, reading that really made me think on this journey we are on with H, and the true opportunity it is. I'm sure it will be so inspiring for those in the early stages of self acceptance after diagnosis. The principles, once we have learned them through this experience, give us so much more choice for a happy contributing life in so many other arenas of challenge. "who says?" is so simple, so great, so easy to remember. Thanks!
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Mariii honey, you just have to let go of trying to control the outcome. You will be okay no matter what happens, truly you will. Hold your head high, and tell the truth. Practice first from the ways you've read or made up yourself that feel best ; imagine what a relief you'll feel when you have done it. Your friend has made a good point, be encouraged. And all there is in the end is, just do it. Trust life, trust yourself, trust him. You WILL be ok, you are a beautiful child of life, and so is he, no matter how it goes. Trust.
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You're so welcome lelani, I am frequently moved by your posts too x
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thankyou Lelani, great to have a positive story to contribute. As we do our healing there comes the time we have the breakthrough, and discover it really is true that we are so much more than H and some gorgeous sexy men do get our beauty and worth :-)
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Oh thanks breathe, I appreciate your kindness. My disclosure to the guy who didn't accept H was a total dog's dinner! I definitely communicated shame, and was not really present; I was so sure he was going to leave and of course he did.....but my learning + healing since then has been immense, and even though I liked respected and admired him, my new love is a better match. I was prepared for him to walk away too, but so glad he didn't, that story is in The Talk section. It's all the journey we are on. So my confidence + grace were hard won, but so worth winning. You will win yours too x
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Sometimes we just have to take responsibility and own up that we should have done this sooner. It doesn't have to be a drama, but you do need to own up now. The only thing that honors you and your partner is to tell the truth....you didn't share this sooner because.....why? it didn't feel sexual to you before? you were afraid of rejection? you were ashamed? Tell yourself the truth about this first.
Then:
What do YOU want? do you want a sexual relationship with this person? If he does (assuming it's a he) and you don't, that's what you need to clarify; if you really don't, it changes the relationship of course. If you both do, then be honest. Read the ebook again, several times if you need; accept that you cannot control the other's response, remember you will be okay and are lovable worthy and human no matter what, and let yourself be okay no matter what.
Think about if it happened in reverse: would you be angry or upset? could you accept that someone would date you for 6 months or longer and not tell you? Then whatever response you have, include that in the conversation..."well x, I realise that perhaps I should have told you about this sooner, so I can appreciate you may feel .......(whatever you feel about it in reverse). And now as we are getting closer, we need to talk over our sexual histories; I care about you, and so I want you to know I have one of the very common skin conditions that can be transmitted sexually. In fact 80% of people have this in the oral version. It's an inconvenience occasionally, I can take meds to minimize the risk of you getting it. Research shows that if I take meds, and we avoid sexual contact if I have an episode, you would have a 2% chance per year of getting it; less if we use condoms. So it's a very manageable situation. What do you know about this condition already?"
Then let him tell you. As you are nervous, you may want to write your speech, learn it and rehearse it; that will make you much less likely to be hijacked by your feelings at the time.
And you know what? I put in "perhaps" there because he may not think you should have disclosed sooner. I dated a guy a while ago for months without disclosing because I wasn't sure we were attracted enough; I liked him, we dated intermittently, and right after our first big kissing session, when I was thinking, "time to disclose next time I see him," he disappeared for 2 months. When I did disclose, he did not accept it, but I think that would have happened anyway. He was compassionate and respectful about it. Recently I disclosed to my next love interest and he was fine. In between there was a lot of emotional healing and learning to be done. So accept that what comes from this is whatever comes, + if this guy doesn't accept it, the next one may. I don't think it's anyone's business until you know you are going to get sexual. So if it hasn't been obvious until now, don't feel bad; but for your own peace of mind, you may want to disclose sooner next time. You may have avoided it because you thought the guy would leave you--well, he may but it's time to find out. Have a backup plan, something nice to do for yourself afterwards regardless of the outcome. Whatever happens, you will either be happy that he is ok with it, or you will know what you need to heal in yourself next, so it's an important step forward either way. Imagine complete success in how you disclosed, that you are proud of yourself for how you dealt with your feelings and his in advance, then stand tall and speak your truth. You will be ok, your courage and strength will take you through this. Let us know how you go. Sending you love and big sister hugs x
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Hello, I'm a woman btw :-). I believe I had the virus for quite a while before I knew + was diagnosed, and I reckon it's more than likely that whoever donated ;-) it to me was in the same boat. I have been meticulous about condoms outside of committed relationships, and have never had an internal episode, so for me condoms did work-- they just don't cover all vulnerable areas.
No past sex partner has ever owned up to H with me. I've never resented the guy who gave it to me, whichever one he was, as I took the risk. I've just written in another post, "the guy passed you a virus, your body accepted it" and that's how I see it. Our bodies are v wise, much wiser than we are culturally aware. I believe that everything that happens to us is an opportunity we can use to grow in love or fear. So to me, it's all about "my body accepted it", and I trust my body. Can't say it's always easy or pleasant, but that's what I've found most true to my experience and most consistently the shortest route to empowerment.
I never think "I caught it", to me that 's a bit more empowering than "my giver etc" but not as much as "my body accepted it." So we each have our own way of relating to it. For me, "my giver" as an expression keeps us in relationship with someone we may think we don't want to be, and has us be passive......Just my 2c worth, interesting discussion, thanks for starting it.
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Inspired you are inspiring. I honor your courage, your willingness to do this just for you, to get over the fear of disclosure without any expectation for future relationship. Your friend has honored your courage too. It's normal that you would feel sad in having been vulnerable in this way, opened your heart and still no relationship, you wanted one with him from the beginning so this is a normal response and it will pass. On the other side of it is strength, the strength you now have that you can speak the truth of your life and your experience and be accepted. Some accept us, some don't--and this is true of everything in life, H is only one element of a fully lived life. It's a step in reclaiming your power. To even have the thought "my giver did not completely destroy me" is so out of balance, there is more work to do in reclaiming your power. This is a very important step you have taken. Your giver passed on a virus to you. Your body accepted it. End of story. You are totally right, your giver did not destroy you, not completely or even partially. Learning to redefine your emotional reaction to your body's choice to accept the virus is the work to do, and working with Adrial and being here with us will help you do it. What you learn by doing that will be useful for many different situations in all of life.
So if this step makes you feel that your giver did not completely destroy you, it is a major victory in you owning who you are now. Congratulations on taking the risk and moving forward, we all have to do it in our own way, and we do not, and perhaps cannot, do it alone.
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Congratulations Adrial, amazing what your courage has created. As part of the movement to free sex + sexuality as well as H from the stigma of the past I have no doubt this is your work for life, or could be if you chooose that. You are a shining example of possibility to everyone here. Thankyou.
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Thankyou so much Marie, your little starter was the perfect opening. Having a place to share our successes and learnings is so wonderful. Your story really inspired me, I remember thinking, knowing I would be meeting this man soon, she's my trailblazer, I'm next. You were so generous in your detailed sharing, it encouraged me hugely. So here's one more successful disclosure to encourage everyone else. It's true teamwork here. Much love to you, so glad yours is going well and happily.
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Actually Carlos, you never know, lots of guys DO have a gay brother! but given that he lives in southern New South Wales, in Australia, probably not so useful even if he does....he lives 6 hours drive away from me in Sydney so we have other challenges. Thankyou for your lovely response Carlos, you have been such an encouragement to me through your posts too. We are each others' cheer squads whatever happens; keep us posted on your adventures too...and you are SO right, we are all creatures of life and all entitled to love and be loved. So we will see how life unfolds for us all, thankyou so much for your wonderful wishes.
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My last disclosure was 8 months ago, with a guy I really liked. My previous one to that was 18 years ago and my only previous, so I was nervous. 18 years ago I didn't know about this shame thing, just told the guy then and he was fine. 8 months ago I had discovered shame + I'm sure I communicated it; the man concerned was compassionate and respectful but clear he didn't want to take the risk. The experience made me aware of how much of the culture's shame I'd taken on. I've worked a lot since then on clearing up ALL my feelings about it, my thoughts of 'no one will love me' etc, you all know the thoughts; I've also realised that we have to provide the safe space by being ok in ourselves before we go out dating....ok no matter what response we get; and that the victory is in sharing our vulnerability regardless of response.
So I read the ebook again, thanks Adrial! Not sure I was going to disclose just yet as it was our first date.......but such obvious attraction, and an 8 hour date as he was from out of town.......well having prepared, I just sat him down, and away I went. He was so cool....all over in 5 minutes. He said he was sure he had been exposed to it and was probably a carrier any way. SO not an issue; onto other subjects without missing a beat. He slept on the sofa, big cuddle and chat this morning and off he went.
Apart from borrowing Marie's starter.....'when did you last have a sexual health test' (thanks Marie), I pretty much just followed the ebook. It works! though you have to have a clear space in yourself. So if you can't create that yourself, contact Adrial for some coaching, it's much faster to learn from someone who knows how to do it.
So we have started a new adventure. I'm taking Valtrex; if we get to the longterm stage I may ask him to get tested properly so that I know whether I need to keep taking it, but for the moment my own excitement about him + our new relationship could trigger an episode so I'll just keep taking it.
Big thanks to everyone for the wonderful support here, I certainly couldn't have got to here without all of you. Whatever stage you are in, be encouraged! there is a learning curve about both the condition and how to develop emotional strength and this is the place for it. Will keep you posted!
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Manifesto is fantastic start too, will think more on that, flat out just now but v aligned with this. It feels grounded and strong.
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Me too! How exciting this all is: igniting our intention vs hiding in the dark. This is such a demonstration of the power of taking a stand, and it all comes back to you Adrial. Thankyou for being the One to step out first.
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Hi Jacqueline,
try this: I read it on a forum, and I think it's the zinc in it, so soothing! Now I put it on at first sign of an episode; I put a lot on at night and sleep with nothing on so there's nothing to rub off on.........Nappy rash cream, or as you Americans would say, diaper rash cream. Unbelievable the relief it gives me, and my episodes are v short now. If it doesn't agree with you, do as yr doctor says......but I find it legendary in its relief of the heat, scratchiness, and it's not just about how it feels, it does heal as soon as it's on your skin. Let us know how you find it, good luck! It really does get easier.
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Hi Marie,
congratulations girl, great work; not just the talk but the work you put into the research and sorting yourself out in advance. Let's hope he remains as positive about it as he sounds, so far he's been consistent. I wish you well, keep us posted. Thankyou for posting, we all need to hear as many successful disclosures stories as possible.
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Herpes rejection: It's not personal
in General herpes discussion
Posted
Oh WD I'm so with you. While I'm not sure that my new guy is "the One" (I actually beleive there are many who could be), he's my best match on many levels so far in my life, not without challenge of course. Go Whoopsi!