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hey tbt! first i had to laugh about your sister said, and second an apology if it seemed i was saying you had no empathy! definitely not my intention. i definitely support you in wanting to get answers and being honest with how you're feeling. and i agree you don't need to be empathetic about the fact that you might remind him of a mistake, i was more trying to say that him avoiding you probably has less to do with you (and how wonderful you were to want to continue dating him despite what he did), and more about him feeling guilty and ashamed about his own actions. good luck!

hello lossofwords! i can't give you any suggestions on places or people (outside of this forum), but i can provide some kind words! i am so incredibly happy that you have a partner who wants to stay at your side despite what you are going through right now. but it seems that you are having a lot of self doubt that has little to do with your husband's love for you (because that seems very apparent) and more about the love you have for yourself at this particular moment. sometimes when we are having a lot of doubt about ourselves and are struggling to love ourselves, we help make our worst fears happen. in this case, it's your husband leaving you. by doubting his love for you when he has tried to demonstrate his love by supporting and standing by you, you are also pushing him away. instead, try accepting his love for you and loving yourself more! i totally understand how you feel. i've secretly hoped that when one of the men i was with (and who i have feelings for) gets tested that it turns out he actually has herpes because perhaps that will change the potential we have for something more. and i feel terrible about having those feelings, but those feelings are also natural. we feel more comfortable around similar people, whether it's ethnicity, culture, interests, or herpes. in my personal opinion (and others may disagree with me) i don't think it's necessary to do everything you need to do to prevent your husband from getting herpes (for example, taking valtrex on a daily basis, etc). but i DO think it's necessary that you have a honest and frank discussion with your husband about what it is like to have herpes and come to a decision together about whether you will take preventative measures or not. if he's a partner for life and he's okay with having herpes (because frankly, you can take all the medication you want and use all the protection in the world and he could still get herpes), then you two can make that adult decision together. good luck and keep your chin up! i know you're struggling now, but it WILL get easier! and remember to count your blessings. you have a husband who loves you and wants to stand by you through thick and thin, so let that love in and grow!

tbt: i'm all about being honest with your feelings. whether someone did something intentional or not (although in this case, it errs more on the side of intentional), it doesn't mean you don't get to feel the way that you feel. so go for it. unload on him and get those feelings out. but i would also practice some empathy. for example, the person who probably exposed me to herpes has been very effective in avoiding me ever since i called him with the news. and what upset me more was not so much having herpes, but the fact that he had been avoiding me. the way i see things is shit happens in life, and this is just one of those shit moments that you later realize isn't all that terrible compared to what else is out there (cancer, HIV, physical and sexual violence, etc etc). and i told him as much. i confronted him about avoiding me, and how that made me feel. but i also acknowledged the fact that perhaps he isn't coping with this news as well as i am, and is stuck in his own head. and while i wish he didn't spend so much time rationalizing away the possibility that he could have given me herpes (thus rationalizing the need to contact his ex), i also get that he needs to process this in his own way and in his own time. and him avoiding me is more about him, and very little about me. so maybe give the guy some time and space. if you still want to be with him despite the herpes and recent behavior, then show him some empathy to help relieve him of some of the guilt that he's probably feeling right now. we all make mistakes, but we don't always want to be reminded of those mistakes. and being with you might be this big reminder of the time he made a big mistake and affected someone else's life. and just to touch on the feeling of "deserving" this - i don't think your actions mean you deserve anything. i used protection with this guy, and we slept together on the first date (given, we also have known each other for years, and we just happened to finally be single at the same time), and i still go herpes. you can be as careful, informed, and responsible and you might still get herpes. and sometimes i think "man, if i just chose not to sleep with this guy, i might have been home free." but then again, it might not have been that guy, but another one down the road. but if this experience makes you rethink some of your choices and how you go about dating, and that is going to make you feel better as a person then go for it! regardless, the fact that you are looking inwardly and re-evaluating yourself is a good thing no matter the result!

hey there clementine: i can relate to how you feel, and i know all the possibilities can cause a lot of anxiety. i had to disclose to someone who i had strong feelings for, and with whom i didn't have immediate physical access to since he was serving overseas. i was ridiculously anxious about the conversation because of the feelings i had developed for this person, and i didn't want to ruin the already existing friendship or the possibility for more. i decided to disclose over the phone (or rather, over Skype) and it went really well. while it is still uncertain if there is a possibility for more (given, that was a question anyway since we will not be in the same country in the foreseeable future since i'll be posted overseas as he is coming back), he reacted so kindly and with a lot of understanding. i explained that i debated when to tell him (i considered waiting because he didn't have immediate access to medical care and he wouldn't be able to get tested for months), and decided that he needed to know so he could make informed decisions (i.e. sleeping with other women). i also emphasized that this wasn't about placing blame, but making sure he was informed. the fact that i put my own feelings aside and showed concern for his well-being made a significant impact on him. especially since i was showing concern over how this could impact his relationship with other women that weren't me. i think he was surprised that i took that into consideration, even though i had developed feelings for him. ever since then, he's gone out of his way to reach out and ask me how i've been doing. maybe we won't have a relationship in the future, but we will have a good friendship. so whether you decide to disclose over the phone or in person, be positive. don't be apologetic - short of being already well informed about herpes and the fact that the herpes test isn't included in the standard std screening - there was not much you could have done before you had your outbreak. don't place blame on him, a previous partner, or even yourself. state it as facts, and if he's a reasonable human being he will react in a reasonable way. and if he's not, or if he rejects you outright, then it's possible that you saved yourself some hurt down the road. if he really cares for you, as your instincts tell you, then he'll at least take some time to consider and weigh his options. it might not turn out the way you want, but there is just as much of a chance that it could. whatever the result, be confident in yourself and your self worth. and be confident that you will find someone who will want to go down this road with you because they care about the whole of you. be strong, and good luck!

I feel like a lot of folks who are coming to this site is looking for empathy versus sympathy, and I loved how this video breaks this concept down so simply. Power on with empathy whether it's with herpes or anything else!

right…just figured if she didn't specify then i'd go with the usual suspects. thanks for clarifying though!

i also responded to your other thread, but to answer some of the questions you posed…HSV1 will manifest itself into a cold sore on or around your mouth. you might have noticed these on other folks -- they sometimes look like a bad pimple, or a blister on the lip. i had mine for the first time (coincidentally, at the same time as my outbreak - so who knows, perhaps i have hsv2 on my lip) and i just thought maybe i bit my lip without realizing it until i noticed it was a little swollen and painful. but since it was right on my lip, it wasn't very noticeable to anyone else. the outbreaks will totally depend on your body. i had my first outbreak a few weeks ago, and as soon as the first one was finished, i had my second on soon after. the second one was much shorter lived and less painful, partly because i medicated myself fairly quickly. it's hard to say how many you will have, but over time outbreaks have a tendency of naturally becoming less frequent and painful as your body builds up antibodies to fight the virus. and on the upside, if you've never faced rejection before then think of this as a learning experience. we are all bound to face rejection some time in some way. whether it's in the dating world, or a job, etc. but each rejection makes you stronger because it forces you to look inwardly and identify those things within you that make you such a wonderful person. and if anything, it will give you more empathy for others, and provide an opportunity to help someone down the road in a similar situation. you can do this!

hey there! i just had my first (and second) outbreaks during the last few weeks, and this forum has been incredibly helpful to me. glad you've found yourself here! to answer some of your questions (and folks, correct me if i got any of the info wrong), it is extremely difficult to pass either HSV1 or 2 via towels, sheets, surfaces etc. the virus can't survive outside of the body for very long, prefers certain environments (HSV1 oral areas, HSV2 genital areas), and killed on contact with soap. i'm assuming you have HSV1 oral and HSV2 genital, so you will want to be careful sharing kisses with your child if you have a cold sore on/around your mouth (and you'll have small amounts of viral shedding even when you're not having an outbreak) since their immune systems are not completely developed. if you do choose to go on a daily antiviral down the road, that will help with all viral shedding. although i don't think it's necessary (maybe wcsdancer can weigh in on this) to be on an antiviral to protect your child. other than that, with anyone just be careful not to have the other person have contact with the outbreak (especially in terms of genital to genital contact). and never mind your friends. my best friend was in shock when i first told her (and her sister has herpes, but they never really talked about it). i had a quick chat with my lady doc the other day and the way she was totally not shocked, reassuring me that she sees folks almost every day (and i live in a high income area of uber professionals) with herpes, made me feel that herpes is more of an awareness problem than anything else. good luck in the coming months! wcsdancer and simplyme both made great points. you ARE the complete package and this doesn't change anything. i'm guessing that you probably don't let just anyone meet your four year old, you wait until someone has demonstrated they really care about you and are going to stick around before you do. now it's the same with sex…herpes will make you wait a little longer until someone demonstrates they really care about you and you feel comfortable disclosing before you become intimate. and in the long run, this will be better for you and your child.

Thanks you all! I plan on asking my doctor when my appointment rolls around next week, but I also have a feeling she won't know the answer. Great suggestion to contact the company directly.

Hello Community! I've got a couple big climbing trips coming up in the next few months at some significant altitude, and the last thing I want is a herpes outbreak when I'm on a mountain with limited resources to do anything about it. Anyone know how antivirals might react at higher altitudes? For example, does it affect blood flow/circulation which could lend to greater susceptibility to frostbite, etc?

Thanks! Oh, I've passed #2 all the info. He was thinking he would just get tested in 6 months or so when it would show up in a blood test. I gently reminded him that it is possible he gave it to me and, while it could still not show up in the test results (depending on when he was exposed), getting the test now could possibly provide some insight into that question and whether he needs to contact his ex. So he's considering it, but I think he also doesn't want to face the possibility that he may have passed it on to me. If he tests positive 6 months from now, then he can pretend that I gave it to him and feel free of that burden (despite the fact that I have always emphasized that I am not looking to place blame). In terms of guy #2, nothing more I can really do at this point short of drawing his blood while he sleeps. In the meantime, #1 was informed the day my tests came back positive and he's waiting until he has access to medical care in a few weeks to get tested.

Hey there Community! A question for those of you who might have more knowledge on herpes... So it appears I'm on my second outbreak close to finishing my first one. My question is whether this might indicate that I recently acquired herpes? Or does this often happen to folks who have had it for awhile before their first outbreak? The reason I am asking is I received it from one of two people - one who I was intimate with days before the first outbreak and one five months prior. Since the one from five month prior is in a third world country and can't get tested for a while, and due to timing I suspect it was the most recent person (who is still deciding on when he wants to get tested), I would like to provide some assurance to the five months ago guy if it's possible. Thoughts? Also, as an aside, if I use antivirals for suppressive therapy, is there a period of time I should take the pills before engaging in intimate activity before they take maximum effect? Thanks!

baffled: it will definitely take time and we all operate on our own timeline. for whatever reason, the way my experiences have shaped me into who i am today also allowed me to move forward from this fairly quickly. and your experiences will influence how quickly you process this new situation. (and hopefully set you up for success when the next stressful life event throws itself at your.) the impression i get from your posts is that you are a very responsible individual who holds herself to a high standard of accountability. and you want to hold someone else accountable (and have taken specific actions to do so - and good, this will make him think twice about not disclosing in the future). because of this, i know you will also hold yourself accountable in terms of making yourself process and move forward in your own time. you are a good person, who will do the right thing. i also feel that this accountability will also mean that you will never be the type of person who would not disclose. you also know that disclosing to future potential partners is going to be uncomfortable and intimidating, and could end in a lot of rejection. the fact that this scenario now exists when you have conducted yourself in a way to prevent such a scenario probably makes you very angry. it also might make you sad and scared. and all of this just...sucks. a lot. but the upside is that you are clearly a person who is strong in character and you'll get through this. process the shock, the denial, and the other overwhelming emotions in your own time and in your own way. getting herpes was beyond your control in a lot of ways, but you have the opportunity to take control from this point forward in terms of not letting this destroy your life. (and as an aside, i don't think folks meant to suggest that you shouldn't be angry - just to not let the anger consume you to the point of not being able to process the shock, the denial, and the other overwhelming emotions. probably because we all have, at some point in our life, allowed the anger to consume us and in hindsight we saw how it hurt more than it helped in letting us move forward with our lives.)

hey there simply_me07: i'm so proud of you for trying to maintain positivity through a tough situation! i felt the same way when i first got my diagnosis: that i was alone in this and from this point onward, that i don't feel like myself anymore, and how stupid i must be to have let this happen. but there are some things we know absolutely. you (we) are not alone in this. the fact this forum exists is a testament to that. and while i don't know you, i'm also confident that you are not stupid and i am also confident that you will not be forever alone. and as a relatively young female person type, i have had my fair share of moments where i felt dumb for trusting a guy -- and it had nothing to do with herpes. sadly, it's just part of the experience of living life, the fact you got herpes just makes it a little more complicated. you will feel normal again. you will get to a point where you realize this is an inconvenience for the most part. what you need to do is look inwardly and remember all those amazing things about you that make you the wonderful person that i'm sure you are. gain confidence from that, and let that strength help you move forward. i've only recently been diagnosed, and i know there will be times where i might actively hate the fact that i have herpes and feel low again. but i also know that feeling will pass. you can do this! and we are all here for you in the moments you feel that you can't.

hey there baffled1: i totally understand where you are coming from. i have always been very careful and sexually responsible in the same ways you describe. and when we are responsible and choose to become intimate with someone, we have certain expectations that folks are equally responsible. and when that turns out not to be true, that's devastating. but here's the hard lesson. we can be as good as we can possibly be. but not everyone is. we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard because we believe in our own integrity, our ability to accept responsibility and ownership. and in your case, it's not so much the responsibility or ownership over how you got herpes. you need to take ownership over how you let this affect you. you have the responsibility to not let this destroy your life. that's where ownership and responsibility come into play. sometimes when babies fall, the adults around them act like its the end of the world and the baby starts crying. but if the adults acted like it's not a big deal (because it's not), the baby moves forward and learns to cope better in the future. if you let this be the end of your world, it will be and will feed into itself by making you feel like it is. but if you choose to not let it be a big deal, then you can move forward. you become a stronger person. let yourself be in shock and distress. let yourself be angry. i'm a big believer in letting yourself wallow to get the emotions out. but remember to take responsibility over yourself, and take ownership over how you let this affect you.

hey there baffled1: i also received my diagnosis a few weeks ago, so i can understand how this new information can be difficult to process at first. my situation was vastly different from yours in terms of the fact that i was very confident that the two men who may have given it to me would not have done so knowingly. and i find a great deal of comfort in that fact. with that said, i also understand where you anger is coming from. three years ago, my significant other cheated on me with six women he randomly met online, contracted herpes, and exposed it to me when i got back from the trip i was on. (in hindsight, i'm almost impressed by the fact that he managed to hook up with six women in the two weeks i was gone, while also maintaining a constant tempo of texts/phone calls/emails.) while he didn't initially know he had exposed me to herpes and i didn't get herpes from him, i was furious that he acted in such a sexually irresponsible way that could have affected me in the long term. and i let the anger i felt towards him affect me in significant ways. i resigned from an organization i volunteered for and was passionate about because he was also involved, and i couldn't stand to share the same space with him (given, i also didn't want my anger to affect the group dynamics of the organization). i didn't allow myself to date for more than a year following the incident - partly out of a paranoia that the herpes blood test was not accurate and partly because of the fury i felt towards men. and i let myself fill with hate and anger. over time, i learned to forgive him. i realized he was someone who needed love and sought it out in ways that i couldn't understand. he was someone who didn't love himself enough and destroyed the relationships he was in as a result. instead of feeling hate and anger, i became to feel more sympathetic and grateful that i was a stronger person than he was. it took a long time though. and every so often, i think about him and there is still a little spark of anger. but ultimately, all that hate and anger i had felt toward him for so long hurt me more than anything else. it made me tired. it made me bitter. it made me depressed. it distracted me in my personal and professional lives. i was not the best person i could be. i didn't really feel like me anymore. i had to make the decision to let that all go so i could be the person i wanted to be. and three years later, i still got herpes. it wasn't from the cheating bastard. it was probably (the jury is still out on this one) from a longtime friend who didn't even know he had it, and it just so happens we were both single at the same time and we decided to see if there was something more to our friendship. so here is the last of my two cents: fuck the godawful bastard who knowingly exposed you to herpes. but for YOU, try and let the anger go. and if that means you need to wallow in this anger for a moment, then do it. but also realize that it needs to come to an end sometime soon. the forgiveness isn't for him. the forgiveness is for YOU. and you know what, if not for him, you might have still gotten herpes from an upstanding guy who just didn't know he had it despite how responsible he was in his past and present relationships. good luck!

@cc123 - you'll find it, I promise. I'm only a few years older than you, but have had the "opportunity" to experience my fair share of personal tragedies and life stressors. I had to sit myself down and compare my recent diagnosis to the other "worst days of my life". Was this worse than when a good childhood friend of mine was murdered while she was a church missionary? No. Was this worse than my dad passing away suddenly from a heart attack (at which time I was grateful for having had the experience of coping with my friend's death because it gave me a point of reference to reach back to)? No. Is this worse than living in a third world country where we had security threats on a daily basis due to terrorists targeting Americans? No. Hopefully your herpes diagnosis was a part of a decision you made on your own to have sex with a partner you cared about. If it was, then think of all the folks out there (and on here) that didn't get to make that same choice because they may have been a victim of sexual violence. And if you are that person, know that you also have the strength to overcome that experience too (although easier said than done). At least I (possibly we) had a choice, whether or not we feel we were fully informed on the prevalence of herpes. If you haven't yet had your own personal tragedies that will help you bring this experience into context, then realize that this may be the first "tragedy" that you will one day be grateful you had because it'll give you a frame of reference on how to deal with the unexpected, with the stress, and with feeling alone among your peers. And later down the road, you might realize this particular experience was less of a tragedy and more of a moment that set you up for success when it really mattered. I've chosen optimism right now, but I also know that when I am on the receiving end of a rejection after a disclosure the optimism will be hard to maintain. The experience will probably make me feel less attractive, less valued, less of the person who I felt I might have been before herpes. But I am also confident that feeling will pass. I'm rooting for you!

As an update, I received my confirmation from the doctor. He informed me that while the culture was positive, the blood test still came back negative so he assessed that I had recently acquired herpes. With that in mind, I've informed the two partners I've had in the last year. Sadly, for one who is overseas in a remote location (thank God for Skype and internet connectivity in the third world), his first opportunity to be tested will be over Christmas while visiting family so he's in a lurch for the next month or so. (His situation was why I was hesitant to disclose to partners before the most recent one since I felt I was putting him in a situation where he couldn't simply get tested and get some sort of peace of mind for himself.) However, I suspect it is more likely my most recent partner, due to the timing of the outbreak. With both individuals, I've been passing information from this forum on to the both of them so that when they do get their results, they are not starting from scratch like I felt I was and are better equipped to process. To new folks who may be reading this and dealing with a recent diagnosis, here are my two cents: Try to not take on a victim mentality. It is easy to blame others, to not take ownership over your actions to try and release yourself of blame or self loathing. But when you take ownership over your own actions and the results, I find you are better able to move forward. Nothing that happened TO you (this is with the assumption that your herpes diagnosis wasn't the result of sexual violence), but something that simply happened. At the end of the day, when you choose to have sex, you also take the calculated risk of being exposed to an STD. You take the risk that your partner didn't know or that your partner was not telling the truth. Hopefully it was the former, and not the latter. Telling a current or former partner that you have herpes will not be the end of your world. Both of the men I had to tell were very understanding. And it was partly because I approached the conversation not as a victim, but as a responsible adult wanting to ensure that someone I cared about didn't make choices they would not otherwise make if they knew there was a possibility they had herpes. Given, it also helped that I was confident that neither individual would do anything to purposefully "harm" me, and if they gave me herpes it was because they simply didn't know. I also acknowledged the possibility that I also may have unknowingly gave it to someone else. Pointing fingers accomplishes very little, and probably does more harm. I approached the conversation not blaming anyone - not them OR myself. Shit happens. It is what it is. I strongly believe things happen for a reason and there will be a time in my life when I'll look back on how I overcame (or, at this very moment, still overcoming) and be grateful for the experience. I don't see why I would be grateful now, but I'm sure I will at some point in the future. Regardless, overcoming any challenge makes you a better and stronger person. So here we all are, overcoming and becoming better people. It's a nice thought, isn't it? And finally, thank you Adrial and WCSDancer for taking the time to respond to my initial post. There are so many new posts and you both take the time to answer so many of them. The time you choose to spend on this forum to provide knowledge and reassurance is amazing. And without having had herpes in the first place, this forum may not exist - so thank you for overcoming and making herpes into an opportunity to help others.

First, thank you for creating this forum. Second, some advice. I only found out today that I likely have genital herpes (swab results should come back in a week, but as the doctor said "I can't think of what else it could be.") Currently, my biggest concern is letting past sexual partners know in a timely manner to prevent them from making decisions they otherwise wouldn't make. Except, I'm not sure how far back to go. The reason for this uncertainty is the following: I recently slept with a new partner days before this outbreak. Since much of what I read says that an initial outbreak occurs in a short period from initial exposure, one might assume this may have been the person who exposed me. However, this person recently had a full STD screening and didn't test positive for anything, has had very few sexual partners, and was typically in longterm monogamous relationships (including his last partner who he was with for three years before we began our relationship). (As an aside, I already informed of him that I likely have herpes and advised he get tested again, or be on the lookout for an outbreak himself if I am the one who exposed him.) However, 3 years ago, I had an ex-boyfriend who chose to cheat and subsequently tested positive for herpes. We ultimately broke up (his decision, not mine) and every STD screening has been negative for herpes since then. Other literature I've read have pointed to the possibility that I could have had herpes since that partner and not have shown symptoms until now. So the question is: Do I stop with informing my most recent sexual partner? Or should I contact my sexual partners from the last 3 years as a precaution? Either way, I don't plan on doing so until I receive confirmation from the test. As you can imagine, I would prefer not to contact others to save myself the embarrassment, but I also feel a strong sense of responsibility to inform those individuals. I really appreciate your thoughts.