abc123
-
Posts
82 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Posts posted by abc123
-
-
Your posts are powerful to me. I am just getting the hang of this. I'm still in my anger and misery phase. But your words spoke to me directly.... About why people leave us or stay with us or just teach us something we need to know. Perhaps in time, I will be as strong- willed as you are. You inspire many of us here, so thank you. Peace, abc123
-
I have been wondering the same thing. I have been wanting to get a new tattoo but thought that now it was not possible. Thanks for the clarification.
-
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
So, now here I am alone, afraid and not many options. Here is what I am having trouble accepting/ dealing with: there are not many stories on this site regarding someone who knowingly and willingly chose to get her/himself involved with someone they KNEW had herpes. Some people would say that it shows compassion on my part that I didn't judge David and shun him like a leper in biblical times. At that time, when he disclosed, no, it didn't really bother me. But I was also totally uneducated about it and he made it sound like unless there was an outbreak it was "no big deal." Of course we would be careful. The chances of getting it were low even during the few times when we weren't careful because he wasn't having a breakout. I didn't realize the chances would have been even less if he had been taking medication. I was in a different mind set and obviously was not thinking clearly. Does this really equal compassion? To me, not really. I literally rolled the dice with my own health and wasn't thinking I was actually going to "catch" it. Who would do this to themselves? In this situation I have no leverage with explaining my side of the story to any potential partner without that person thinking I make poor choices. AND it reinforces the fact that you absolutely can pass it along to someone no matter how careful you are. This is what makes disclosing to a new partner that much more difficult. How can I explain to a new partner that "hey, I was involved with someone and I KNEW he had herpes. I had the choice, and I chose to have sex with him. We were careful most of the time. I eventually contracted the virus too. He didn't mean to pass it along to me, but it happened, and I never knew I had it until I had my first outbreak -- and I might pass it on to you as well. Please have compassion for me and tell me that my having herpes doesn't bother you." What I did to Mark is the same thing as lying. Was it intentional? Did I mean to hurt him? Absolutely not, not in a million years. But here's the catch... I still KNEW I had been exposed to it. Now, at that time, after David and I stopped seeing each other and I never had any indication that I had contracted herpes, it never occurred to me that maybe I DID have it. I never gave it a second thought, never. That is irrelevant. I made the choice to be with an infected person, so I chose the consequences. The fact that I involved another person in this without giving him the prior knowledge that I had -and allowing him to decide to make a choice to be with me or not. My "not knowing" I had it is irrelevant. Had I not known that I had it or not known that I had even been exposed to it is different. I still made a bad choice in my situation-- and then I involved someone else. I had no right to do this to Mark. His bad behavior-- no matter how bad it had been in our past -- does not compare to me not telling him something that could potentially ruin his life. I guess I feel the same way about this as I feel about drunk drivers. If you chose to drink, and you chose to drink too much, and then you chose to get in your car and drive around, you are choosing the bad consequences that go along with it. You can drink as much as you want, but you cannot chose then to drive and involve other people that you could potentially harm. The other people on the road do not have the prior knowledge that someone is out there, driving drunk. These people were not given the choice to stay home due to the fact that there is a drunk idiot on the road. You already have prior knowledge that drinking while intoxicated is wrong and could potentially hurt people around you. If you do get in that car and you do hurt or even kill someone, you cannot later say, "I'm sorry. It was an accident. I didn't mean for this to happen. It wasn't intentional. I honestly thought I could make it home without anyone being harmed. I knew I had too much to drink, but I chose to drive anyway. I didn't realize how drunk I was and I was not thinking clearly. I'm sorry." That is bullshit. People have compassion for other people that have been hurt by drunk drivers. People do not have compassion or sympathy for people who choose to drink and drive and put other people at risk. And isn't it true-- it's the drunk driver who walks away from the accident unscathed. It is always the innocent victim who is hurt or killed. My situation is not the same as someone who slept with a new partner who really didn't know they were infected in the first place--and passed it along to someone else. That is a situation worthy of compassion. Ooooppss, I had a random one night stand with an infected person who didn't tell me/ didn't know- and I got herpes, but I will never see that person again. Chalk that one up to bad luck or misfortune. The people who know they have it and don't tell their partner--basically lie about it, those people are dishonest and need to rethink about how they are affecting people. I honestly didn't know I had it, but I did know I was exposed to it. Same thing as lying, so I deserve zero sympathy. There is not enough "I'm sorry" in the world to excuse what I did, no matter how unintentional it was. It is unforgivable. I would never ever expect Mark to forgive me. How could he? Also, at this moment in time I do not see how I could forgive myself. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say here. I am speaking for myself/about myself and how I personally feel. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?
-
Skittles--you are very lucky to have such a great boyfriend. Glad to hear you are doing well.
-
Peachy and Dancer... Thank you for your support. Here is one important good thing that has happened. I haven't drank in over a month. My kind of drinking was drinking ALOT. Round after round, or worse, drinking an entire bottle alone by myself. I had 1 glass of wine during Thanksgiving. Fr some reason, I have no desire to drink. Staying home every night has helped with that. This is why I don't want to go out. I am afraid I will drink too much and then become that worthless puddle I want to avoid. I walk around in a daze. People at the office have even noticed. What's wrong? You look sad, are you alright? I just say I haven't been feeling well and I'm very lethargic. I drag my feet. I don't smile. I feel like shit. I appreciate your support. If I didn't have this site, I would not know what to do with myself. I will go back and re- read your kind words. Tank you so much. abc123
-
Ok...my story is complete. I am struggling to even get over this enough to roll out of bed. I am totally isolated, but that is because I want it that way. It is getting harder avoiding my friends as they are always calling me to go out, I'm invited to a 100 holiday parties and they want to have fun. I'm too afraid I will start crying hysterically in front of them. I do not want to talk about this with anyone. I don't know what to do.
-
Is there any logical reason why herpes is not included in regular blood tests? I never knew that. Every time I would go in for my annual exam, I would usually do a standard blood test. I never had anything abnormal come up until the day I was given my results for H, but it is mind boggling to me that unless you ask for it, they won't check for it. Wouldn't this make sense that since most people 'have it' and don't know they have it? Any logical explanation for this?
-
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
I knew immediately what I was looking at. Two very small blisters staring back at me. I fell to the floor and my whole life flashed before my eyes. I knew my relationship with Mark would end over this. I immediately thought about Mark. I swear to God on my parents lives I did not know I had herpes. I didn't know. Never had a symptom, a pain anywhere or any other indication something was wrong. The only thing I knew at that moment was that my life was over. I called David in hysterics. He was calm. He felt awful. He felt terrible. How could this have happened? Why was this happening to me? Why? After all I had been through. After all that time. What was I going to do? I felt like the most evil and horrible person in the world. I knew I had been in contact with a person infected with herpes. I fucking knew about it. How stupid could one person be?!! I never told David that Mark and I started dating again, he would have been crushed. David had no idea what I had done. I was distraught and hysterical. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die. I frantically called my doctor, went in, did the tests and had to wait. I told Mark I couldn't see him that weekend. I didn't want to say anything until I had a confirmed medical diagnosis. I said I needed to see my doctor because something didn't feel right. He was genuinely concerned with my health. He told me not to worry about it. I knew that was probably the last time I would speak to him and I knew I would never see him again. I got the call on October 3, 2013. It was about 2:00 and I was still at work. I literally fell through the earth and my heart stopped. I broke down as soon as I got in my car. I drove home in a daze. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I called David to tell him it was positive. I was furious at him. I was horrified at myself. This was not happening. But it was happening and there was nothing I could do. I got a text from Mark the next day asking about my results. He honestly thought I was going to say that I had cancerous cells, a cyst or something was going on with my period cycle. This was it. I wrote back unfortunately the results were not good. I'm sure he panicked. Can you give me more details? He asked. This was it. I cannot adequately express in words what it was like to text the only man I have ever loved in this lifetime--- that I tested positive for herpes. I cannot even possibly imagine the look on his face and how his heart fell out of his chest when he read that text. I couldn't even imagine how much I hurt him at that moment. Even after all we had gone through. The break ups. Nothing could possibly compare to this. He didn't deserve this. How could I have done this to him? I betrayed his trust. The only person he trusted had ruined our relationship by sheer stupidity. He later asked if it was David. I said yes, it was. He later asked if I knew that he had herpes. I thought about lying to Mark and telling him, no, I didn't know about it. I thought that would ease his mind and he wouldn't leave me over this. But I couldn't lie. I couldn't let David take the fall for this. I had prior knowledge of the herpes, but I swear I didn't know that I had it. I swear to God. I told him, yes, I did know about it. And then it was officially over. I had ruined my future. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. Mark was furious. Of course, he was furious. How could he not be? How could I do this to him? What kind of horrible person does something like this? He panicked as well. Did he have it? Had I ruined his life as well. I wanted to die. I completely fell apart. I only heard for him a few days later....which felt like an eternity. His test was negative. I was relieved, but I am not totally at ease with his results. We had been together for many months. Did he have it and it hadn't shown up in his blood yet? How could I be sure? Not only did I ruin my own life and future with my stupid choices, I live in fear everyday that I will hear from him that he has been retested and he is positive. I will die if that happens. I am assuming his doctor did advise him to get retested again. All I do is pray. I pray that he has not been affected by this. I pray all day, everyday the same prayer. I will never forgive myself for what I have done. There is no way I could ever imagine not thinking about this every single day. What if I hear from him again and he decides to sue me for everything I have? He would win. I knew I was exposed to the virus, and I didn't tell him. I put his life in jeopardy and I had no right to do that. No one has a right to do that. He will never forgive me. There is no way he could ever get past this. I went from Snow White to Street Whore in his eyes. I would never expect him to ever forgive me for this. I don't deserve forgiveness or sympathy for what I have done. I did it to myself. I had a choice and I made the worst choice of my entire life and it cost me everything. My life now is very different. I broke down and had to tell my mom. She has been very supportive, but I know somewhere in her mind she was disappointed in me. How could I do this to myself? What was I thinking? She takes care of me when she comes to visit, but there is not much she can do. I haven't gone out. I do not want to see anyone. I don't want to talk about it. I have 2 friends that were diagnosed several years ago and they lead normal lives. But their story is different then mine. They didn't go out and sleep with someone they already knew had H. They got is from someone who didn't know they had it....just like everyone else. So, they can't really be blamed for their misfortune. If I told them, they would be disappointed in me for making such bad choices. I don't want to be around anyone because I'm afraid I will breakdown in tears and not be able to control myself. I do not want to put anyone through this. I don't know what to do. David suggested hypnotherapy, so I am doing that. I am on depression meds. I cry all the time and I'm right back where I started, but its my fault. I hate David for this. Mark hates me for this. Most of all I hate myself.
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
-
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
As the months went on, my fog started to lift. I started to feel better. And then I started to feel very guilty about David. He loved and adored me. He said he would marry me and take care of me. But I wasn't in love with him. I just didn't feel that way about him, but I loved him dearly as a friend. I felt terrible. I didn't want to break his heart. I started pulling away and he could tell things were slowing down. He never really complained about it because he valued our friendship so much. I did too. We talked about it and decided that we would be better off as friends. The sexual relationship had ended a few weeks before this, and we never had sex again after our talk. We got together for lunch or even drinks, but that was it. I felt awful about it. I felt I had taken advantage of him emotionally. Well, time went by quickly and I felt better and better. It's funny how time moves much more quickly when you aren't a miserable wreck. David and I stayed friends and saw each other occasionally. I was busy with work and friends. By the time summer came and went, I was up for my annual exam. I had never had any problems with a Pap smear. I had done blood work many times. Early in the fall I scheduled my appointment. All was well. Except for the fact that my company was making changes to our policy and for whatever reason I couldn't get blood work done until 2013. Fine, no big deal. Pap smear normal-- I went on with life. Holidays came and went and a new year started. Then....bam....I heard from Mark in late February of 2013. He sent a text, his grandmother was not doing well. He had been thinking of me. Could we meet and talk? I couldn't believe it. So much time had gone by, and things were different. I was stronger and more confident. I wasn't going to put up with any of his bullshit. I eventually agreed to meet up with him and we had lunch. Finally, he told me he had made a big mistake. He was wrong to treat me the way he did in the past. I was the only girl he could trust in this big world of untrusting, horrible people. He wanted another chance. I couldn't believe it. I thought about it...a lot. Could I trust him? How could I know for sure he wouldn't break up with me again? He said he had changed. I had changed. Things would be different this time. I would get what I wanted, we would talk about a serious future together. He would be a great boyfriend. I was in control and this time it would work out. We started out vey slow. We saw each other once a month. I was in no rush. It was great. The summer went on and things were working out well. He knew this was it with me, and I was not going to put up with any more crap. He knew it too. He wasn't going to fuck this up again. He did ask if I had dated someone. I said yes, just one person, a good friend from my past and that he was a good guy. He seemed a little jealous and that was fine with me. He didn't ask too many questions and I never really talked about David. I figured until our relationship was rock solid and we had wedding plans, then he didn't really need to know any details of what I had been doing while we were apart. I knew he had dated other women while we were broken up as well, but I had no desire to hear about it. He certainly had not remained single that entire time. No way. He was the one who had broken up with me, so what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, so I never talked about it. The past was in the past. By mid summer 2013, we were seeing each other twice a month, every other weekend when he didn't have his kid. That was fine with me. I was happy.
Fast forward to late September. I was doing laundry one Sunday afternoon and threw on an old pair of shorts. When I put them on I realized they were a little too small on me, but I wore them anyway. After a couple of hours I started to feel a bit of a rug burn just where your upper thigh meets your butt. Nothing too terrible, no horrendous pain, it felt much like a shoe that is too tight. Didn't think too much of it. By the time evening came and I was changing into my pj's.... I decided to look down at the area. I'm sure you all know what I am about to say next.
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
-
I hope I am not offending anyone with my story. I know it is long, but I figure this is where I need to start if I want to begin trying to heal my own life. Being here has helped immensely. Part 4 will be the end and just getting it off my chest will be a huge relief. I continue to read posts and reflect on how other people here have started to change their thought process and their attitudes towards herpes. Thank you for listening.
-
I am glad to hear from you. I have read all of your personal posts and hundreds of comments. You are a very strong woman with so much experience and so much to share about your own life. It has helped me. I have been keeping this all in for so long, that my story is so long... But I didn't know where to start. I figured I would start at the very beginning. Thank you for your support. I know I have a long way to go from here.
-
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
David's email was very sweet. He had thought about me through the years, wanted to contact me, but couldn't. He married the wrong woman, blah, blah, blah. He was so sorry how things had ended between us. He was getting divorced. He wanted the chance to apologize to me after all these years. I was shocked. I hadn't thought about him in years. Whatever. I agreed to meet him on a Saturday night in late January 2012. I was hungover from the night before. As soon as I walked into the bar and saw the huge smile on his face, I smiled right back. I hadn't smiled in forever. He hugged me tight. He was so thrilled to see me. We talked and laughed and drank all night. We told our sad stories and what had gone wrong in our relationships. I could tell he still had deep feelings for me. It's like no time had passed and I was with my best friend again. It was nice to have a friend, someone to talk to. Those first 2 weeks were a blur. We talked and texted like best friends do. I looked forward to hearing from him and seeing him again. By now, he had 3 kids and was a single dad again with half custody. He quickly turned into the drinking buddy I needed. He held my hand and listened to me. He was there for me every time I was reduced to a puddle of tears over Mark and the death of my family member. He was so happy to have me back in his life, he did anything I wanted. He took me out, we went to dinner, we went shopping. He was the exact opposite of Mark in every way. It was like a breath of fresh air. About 3 weeks into our new friendship, he disclosed he had herpes. From a one night stand in between breakups before he finally married his wife. We talked about it over many drinks and I don't remember having a bad reaction to it. It was no big deal. He had been living with it for years. He only took his meds during an outbreak, which were only once or twice a year. No big deal. I was totally uneducated about it. I was ignorant. I was trying to drink myself to death and I just didn't care. I didn't care about anything. We hooked up and had sex occasionally during our drunken weekends. Most times we were careful, using condoms. A few times we were not careful. As long as there were no outbreaks, it was fine. I never worried about it. His ex wife even managed to stay uninflected for the first 6 years of their marriage. That's what he told me. Probably because she wanted to assure they would stay together forever, but that didn't happen for her. It was no big deal. This is when everything falls apart. The pain and misery I had known in the past was not even close to what was coming next.
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
-
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
Building trust, honesty and commitment is what I did over the years with Mark. Time went on and our relationship grew and got stronger. I was the glue that held it together-- he told me that a few times. I was proud to hear it. He appreciated me and in a way he didn't appreciate anyone else. That made me feel special. He trusted me. Time went on. We started having some issues in early 2011. I wanted more, he was happy with what we had. He had gotten married quite young, she was pregnant and he thought it was the right thing to do. He didn't love her. They lasted a few years and had a good relationship for their son. Great dad. Very devoted and involved. In a lot of ways I think Mark would be able to live his life single with his child and that would be good enough for him. He didn't ever worry about anything. "Out of sight, out of mind" was his mantra. We were bickering about something one day in the late spring of 2011. He was growing restless, and old habits die hard. He said I was being a nag.... And he wasn't going to be nagged by anyone. So, he broke up with me....again. This was break up #4. Good Lord. I was beyond devastated. I cried and drank all summer. My girlfriends tried to still be supportive. "How long are you going to cry over this asshole?" If I would have drank myself to death, I wouldn't have cared. My mom was at her wits end with me and this relationship, still she was always there for me. I didn't divulge as many details to my dad. I didn't want him to hate Mark. My mom would visit when she could and took care of me. Summer turned to fall. I never heard from him. I never called, texted or freaked out on him. I had a feeling he was probably dating someone. All I could do was wait it out. Pretty on the outside, dying on the inside. I cried and cried and cried.
That fall brought the worst news and the worst day of my life. The sudden and unexpected death of a close family member sent my entire family into the abyss of darkness. I was devastated beyond belief. We couldn't believe it. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was overwhelmed with emotion, grief and hopelessness. Out of sheer desperation, I contacted Mark to tell him what happened. He felt terrible. We agreed to meet. We had drinks, and I cried. Because he has no filter, my emotions made him a bit uncomfortable, but he was there for me and listened. He tried to at least be a decent friend. We hung out and hooked up over the Christmas holidays, but there was no talk of getting back together. I had a feeling he was still seeing someone. He eventually said he was, but he wasn't sure how he felt about her, wasn't sure if it was going to work out. I was so hurt to hear that, but just happy to be with him, to spend time with him. I loved him so much still. I was heartbroken. By early 2012, I could tell he was about to blow me off again, and he did. Break up #5. It was effortless for him. At that point, I knew it was really over. I couldn't go on like this. I wanted to die. In a way I did. I continued to drink every weekend to ease the pain. I often drank by myself. By this time I didn't want to continue to burden my friends. My mom was still always there for me. By now, I was quite used to living in misery without Mark. I knew it was finally over. No contact, no calls, no texts, no freaking out. We were done. Heartbroken, I just figured this is how my life would be. I never dated anyone during any of the previous breakups. I was simply not interested in anyone else. I wanted Mark, no one else. I assumed I would stay single and be 'the cat lady'. I was pathetic.
Out of the clear blue sky in mid January 2012,I got an email from a long lost boyfriend from 11years back. I couldn't believe it. What were the odds? He had saved my business card with my personal email address on it for 11 years in a shoe box in his closet. I will call him David. We dated for only a short time back then. He was a few years younger than me and was more like a super great guy best friend to me. He was hilarious, a cutie pie, and we always had a blast together. His crazy friends and my crazy friends loved to go out on the weekend and party. He had a very young daughter from an previous relationship with a first love. He was a young single dad, but still loved to go out and have fun. He was the greatest guy, the sweetest person and he totally adored me. Sometimes our drunken crazy nights turned into a drunken hookup, but it was great. We were best friends who occasionally hooked up. No big deal, no drama, no expectations. It was perfect for me back then. Eventually he also started dating a girl closer to his age, and she also had a young son from a previous relationship. He was torn between us. He ultimately chose her over me, as they both had kids and I wasn't at all interested in marriage at that time. I wasn't in love with him, but she was. She was also the kind of girl who was insecure and would never allow him to stay friends with me or our group. He certainly would not be able to stay friends with me. So, sadly, he broke it off with me and I never heard from him again. Time went on and I wondered how his life turned out, if he was happy. As more time went by, I never gave him a second thought.
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
-
I am new new to this site. I have spent most of the past 2 month and 5 days since my diagnosis crying and living in a world of complete misery and hopelessness. I am just like you-- frantically googling any and every website and article and medical discussion about herpes. On November 29, I found this site, thankfully. So for now, you all and this website are literally all I have. I get home from work, read and cry, read and cry, and read and cry. I thank you all for your stories. Every single story. I think I have read them all. I will continue to read them. A little about me: highly educated, a professional in my field, tons of great friends who I have known all my life, great parents and siblings and a wonderful extended family whom I cherish and adore. I am a 40 yr. old Caucasian female. Typical girl-- love to shop, hang with friends, love to go out, enjoy my job,etc... I love animals and have been involved in rescue adoption for many years. I would literally cut off my own arm if I knew it would put an end to animal abuse and neglect. I have had many great opportunities to travel and many adventures. Never been married (keep reading) and no children. It just never happened for me. I have a strong personality and am prone to anxiety and depression. That has always been a struggle for me and this situation has obviously made it a zillion times worse. Here is my long and sad story.... PART 1: I was in love with Mark the moment I met him at a birthday party in the early spring of 2008. Handsome, witty and confident....and not a care in the world. I had kind of heard he was a bit of a 'player', but other than that, I knew nothing about him. It didn't matter, I was going to change his world and we were going to fall madly in love and be together forever. By our first date that early summer, I was madly in love. At the time, I didn't realize I was in fact a 'rebound' girl for him. He had broken up with a long time girlfriend that past spring, she had moved back to the West Coast and he talked about her quite a bit. I didn't make a big deal of it and decided to be a loving, supporting and trusting new girlfriend who would listen and be there for him. I thought in time I would eventually become the love of his life, so listening about the ex was something I was willing to deal with, and wait it out. And I was very good at waiting. Turns out, while I was more and more invested as time went on, he was less and less interested. By the late fall of 2008, the 'fun-ness' had run its course for him and he broke it off without a hint of sadness and went on his merry way. Break up #1. I was completely devastated. My life fell apart. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried and cried and cried. I drank and drank and drank every weekend to numb the pain. My mom took care of me and listened to me whine and cry for weeks.
I figured the only thing I could do was wait it out. And I was good at waiting. I never drunk dialed, texted or freaked out on him. I was pretty on the outside and miserable on the inside. I prayed for him to come back. He eventually did, and we started dating again. I think I stood out from the other women he had dated in the past. More trustworthy, caring, kind and loving. He could trust me. I didn't bring drama. All I wanted was to be with him. I think to some degree he took advantage of my feelings for him in that way, but in time I knew it would work out to my advantage. I just had to wait it out, keep being the sweet, loving, kind and wonderful girlfriend he needed. And I was good at waiting. I loved him so much, I couldn't even possibly imagine life without him.
This ''break up, make up" cycle went on for a long time. I think he broke up with me a total of 5 times. Each time was worse than the one before. I couldn't let him go. He was all I thought and dreamed about. I loved him from the beginning. It took him forever to tell me he loved me, but when he finally did, I knew he meant it. We had some issues. He and I were very different. He was selfish, lacked empathy, always had to be right, had to win every argument. He lacked 'people skills'. Very, very book smart. Zero common sense. He struggled with maintaining certain friendships. They were very one-sided. He was not good at making the effort to call, text or reach out. He didn't get along we'll with his sisters. I saw these same patterns with people he worked with. We had a different sense of humor. For example, I love Seinfeld. He didn't get the Seinfeld humor at all. I have a hard time understanding how anyone doesn't understand Seinfeld. But anyway, we were different on many levels, but I loved him, faults and all. I knew he loved me too, but the trust he felt with me was much more important in his eyes...and that meant a lot to me.
Part 1 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1983/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-1/p1
Part 2 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1986/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-2/p1
Part 3 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1988/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-3/p1
Part 4 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1996/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-4/p1
Part 5 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1997/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-5/p1
Part 6 - http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2007/worst-herpes-story-ever-part-6/p1
-
Your story is inspiring. I am new here and spend most of my time reading. Thank you for sharing. One day I hope to be where you are now. I guess only time will tell. Thanks again, abc123
-
Thanks, DBT. My story is awful. I hate myself. I am nowhere near any kind of forgiveness for myself or the other person. I do not see it happening anytime soon. My story is very long, so I will have to post in sections. It hurts to talk about it, but I know I have to do it. Thanks again.
-
All of you are awesome ladies. I am new here. Spend most of my lonely weekends and evenings on this site, jus reading and relating to all these stories. I want to post my own story too. It is a very long and sad story. I hope writing about it will help. Thanks, abc123
-
Molly1.... Our stories are very similar. I am working up the nerve to share my story here. I would describe myself the way you described yourself. Ugh. This is a difficult place to be, mentally, emotionally and even physically. I wish you the best of luck with telling your ex. Let us know what happens. Hugs, abc123
-
Ugh. Your story sounds like my story. I wish you the best of luck. It is not easy to tell someone you really care about. I will say a prayer for you tonight that it goes smoothly. Keep your head up. abc123
-
Love the post Adrial. I am trying to work on the 'forgiveness' part of this journey, but I am new to this and am not there yet. I want to post my story... And I think that will be the first big step in my healing process.
-
I too look around-- everywhere I go--- and wonder if I am the only one in the room who has herpes. Ugh. I hate that feeling.
-
Dear Paradise Lost-- your story really hit home for me. I have many of the same hopeless and worthless feelings. I am new here and just spend my time reading posts and commenting. I too am very hard on myself. All the hard work I've done, all the love I've given and all that time I gave.... All gone in the blink of an eye. I have not yet posted my personal story yet, but you remind me of myself. I know your post is from a while ago. How are you feeling these days? Has anything changed for you? I would be interested in how you are doing now. Much love, abc123
-
I'm new here and all your posts are very inspiring. It's helpful to be here and read uplifting stories.
-
Oops... My auto correct corrected my spelling of the vitamin supplement incorrectly!! How funny.
.jpg)
Your experiences with suppressive therapy for herpes?
in Herpes question(s)
Posted
My very first herpes outbreak was very mild. So mild, that I started to think that maybe I had an ob before that but never even noticed. A week after my diagnosis, I went on medication. I have been on it for 9 weeks now. I get "tingles" and what also feels like cramps all the time though, so I don't know if that is normal or not. I have high anxiety anyways, so I didn't want my constant worrying and depression to bring on another breakout. I'd rather just not ever have another ob again. But, I also do not have any intention of being in a relationship, so what is the point of taking meds? I don't know... These are just my thoughts. Anyone else feel this way?