Chiron

@VA2121 There is no doubt that fear of getting herpes and unwillingness to risk that while building a relationship that may or may not work out does not make someone a bad person. It is important to have compassion for them too. But there are any number of additional “deal breakers” that a person may have in mind. It is unfortunate that we have a big additional one, but we do, and there are. I’m New to this but perhaps a “herpes opportunity” is to expand our compassion and joy and optimism and inner strength and love and be the kind of person that will attract a similar person. Perhaps through the process of acceptance and compassion and love we can be better than we previously imagined and thus find a partner better than we previously could have imagined. I can’t read the future, but I see the process of trying as an opportunity. I hope that addresses your question. I think it is a very good and important question to ask and to answer in the best way we can.

I’m newly diagnosed and these are hard but important real life stories for me to read. Thank you for sharing them. They are beautiful stories of real people living real lives and they fill me with compassion. We’ve all had experiences of deep connection and then rejection for various reasons and no one needs an additional reason like herpes to be rejected by someone they feel a deep connection to. I am also filled with compassion for the people who may be too afraid to have a relationship with us because of herpes. From their perspective what if they get it and the relationship doesn’t last and they leave with a broken heart and a new life with herpes. It’s just a sad and unfortunate situation for everyone We are all valuable human beings whether we have herpes or whether we don’t have it and are afraid of getting it. All we can do is love ourselves to the best of our ability and selflessly love others to the best of our ability and go on with life. A tear is forming in my eye as I write this. I’m New to this and looking for the “opportunity” in herpes and perhaps it is here in our humanity, in our love, in our sadness, and in our inner strength and acceptance of ourselves, others and life as it is. I’m struggling with it.

Someone recently told me she has genital HSV2 immediately after our first time having sex (with a condom). We had flown across the country to meet out of state. We had previously only spent one day together in her home state. We had video talked and phone talked and texted hours a day for 3 months. I had sex with her about ten more times over the next three days after she disclosed her diagnosis. I had my first outbreak about a week later and took Acyclovir when I got prodrome symptoms. The blisters came the next day and lasted only two days and were gone when I went to see a Doctor for testing so I had the IgG blood test which was strongly positive (5-8 days after exposure which is early for Antibody positivity ) but since I had the outbreak after exposure and had previously been in a 29 year monogamous relationship there is a good chance but not certainty that I got it from the person I’m dating now. Although she should have disclosed prior to sex, I should have asked about STI status and not repeatedly told her how much I was looking forward to making love with her without having a discussion about testing (she did tell me I needed to buy amd use condoms and I did) . I see that the repeated telling her how much si wanted to make love to her was pressure that made it harder for her to disclose. I am learning from these mistakes. After I went to the Doctor I showed her my comprehensive STI test results and she showed me hers from January but they did not include HSV 1, HSV 2, HIV, syphilis or hepatitis. I asked that she also get those, or at least the HIV and HSV 1 and 2 typing. She said she has HSV 2 and not HSV 1 and she was tested snd vaccinated for hepatitis snd she will get HIV test snd nothing else. She was EXTREMELY offended that I asked her for these tests snd saw it as me thinking bad things about her. I am being as compassionate as I can but my request seems reasonable to me. To her however it is causing a lot of emotional stress to the point that she can’t tolerate it. She is dealing with her shame by refusing tests she doesn’t think are reasonable. I don’t want her to be in emotional turmoil but I feel like it would be irresponsible for me to move forward without full testing. Our disagreement and inability to simply be open and get fully tested and share results seems the opposite of intimacy amd sharing and also seems unsafe to me. I’ve tried to be compassionate and non-judgmental. My life is changed forever with my HSV 2 diagnosis, irrespective of how I got it, and taking more risks, when anybody who has had sex with somebody even in a long term committed relationship could have these other infections as well and not know it, seems emotionally and physically unhealthy to me. On the other hand the missing tests are only HSV 2 (which she says she has ) and HSV 1 which she says she doesn’t have), syphhlis and hepatitis (which she says she’s vaccinated for). I’m trying to be emotionally supportive and loving and sexually healthy and reasonable at the same time. Could anybody share their thoughts on this situation? I would really like to hear what others think about this. Thank you.

The short answer is “yes”, it is possible.

I was just diagnosed after having sex with someone who disclosed after we had sex the first time. I had minor (initial) outbreak shortly afterwards but the blisters were gone within two days when I had the Doctor appointment so I had an IgG blood test that was positive 8 days after initial exposure which is early to be positive. Not having been tested ahead of time I will never know for sure when I got it. I gad been in a monogamous relationship/marriage for 29 years before that but it’s still possible I got it before that. I think disclosure prior to sex and prior to the heat of the moment and resting prior to exposure is very important. What’s done is done though and I still want to keep seeing her. Hopefully your dating partner will feel the same and hopefully he will test negative and remain so long enough to know. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and do the best we can moving forward. For me, I take responsibility for what I now see was was pressure towards sex and for not having asked her about her STI status even though I thought about it. Again, all we can do is learn and move on with compassion and understanding. Best wishes to you and your dating partner.