Hi Everyone, 50 yr old male, recent HSV-2 diagnosis . My first post, I apologize if there are things I’m supposed to say or if I chose the incorrect sub forum.
Where to begin? 2008 I was in a short relationship with someone, she told me she had HSV after we had sex. Sex was protected. I was shocked, and visited a local STI clinic. They told me that if had been exposed there was a good chance I would never develop symptoms, and that the antibody tests tell little. I decided to stay celibate for a year & monitor myself. I never had any kind of noticeable symptoms. Met my current partner/ wife in 2011 and have been monogamous since.
Ffwd - my marriage has been very rocky the last couple of years. Lots of bad blood, not in a good place. We have not been intimate for nearly 5yrs. Accusations of infidelity and other bad things. The last 6mo have been really bad, and we have kids. I have been thinking on how to separate amicably, pretty stressed out in general; I have a job that is not in the best of places either.
A month ago I notice this tiny cluster of blisters beside my belly button. I initially didn’t think much of it, showed it to my wife - she said it looked like shingles. I thought it was weird so I did a telehealth appointment with a doctor- he prescribed me Valicyclovir and antibiotics to cover all bases. Later that day, I remembered my exposure from 2008. I made an appointment for a test at a clinic. They completed a swab. +ve for HSV-2.
Not really sure how to tell the rest of this. I went into crisis mode - tbh I haven’t really started to deal with the HSV-2 side of this even now.
That night I decided to tell my wife I wanted to separate. She was caught off guard, and asked “why today”? I couldn’t be honest with her. With the state of the marriage, my exposure being so long ago, I knew if I was honest it would be a complete disaster. I just told her I didn’t love her anymore. I thought it was easier to lie, I’m so scared what she would do in reaction. Take the kids? Throw me out? All of the BS accusations would be validated.
That weekend she went away with the kids. I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I wrote goodbye letters to my kids, and a suicide note to my wife laying all of this out. I fell to pieces, cried until I got sick. I couldn’t bear leaving my kids without a father. I didn’t do anything, but I’ve kept the letters. I’ve been managing and keeping it together, but I’m so lost right now.
For the most part life has gone on for the last month. we are starting down the path to separation. But she wants to try to reconcile; we haven’t told our kids yet. I’ve asked why she wants to reconcile, she says she is content enough, happy enough. not really inspiring me with confidence to be forthcoming with my diagnosis. She says We should try. And I want to, I really do. But I can’t! How can I ? I won’t lie to her about this, and I refuse to hide it & expose her knowingly. I’ve already done it unintentionally for our marriage.
I’m not confident that the relationship is in a place where I can be totally honest about my situation and not have it go to complete $hit. I can’t envision a scenario where she understands.
I only see one way out of this with the least amount of blowback - separation and say nothing. I don’t know if the marriage would have lasted without my hsv diagnosis. That’s the biggest item I’m battling with. But that door is now closed.
Where do I go? Who can I talk to? Ive been trying to find someone to talk to - local groups, but no luck connecting. I’ve met a counsellor who Happens to be hsv-2 positive as well and talking with her has been good but have not shared this with a soul who I am close to. I’m going to visit my father this weekend and lay this out. I have no idea what he will say. I feel like I’m going to drop a bomb on him.