rothkkolady

Same for me. Count me in. Anne

My recent experience with disclosure, H Opportunity style, is that the dialogue set a precedent for clear communication and a lot of caring. It is scary but so worth it. Apart from the relationship aspect, the disclosure (and all your preparation for the disclosure) sets into motion some remarkable and powerful personal growth. Please keep us posted, Nate!

Seven weeks later, and all is wonderful. Our relationship is deepening and it -- and him -- are all kinds of awesome. The disclosure -- H Opportunity style -- created such a tangibly powerful foundation for the beginning of this relationship.

And by the way, everybody, my name is Anne.

Hi Adrial -- In the midst of my jam-packed day I kept returning to your email (just like mister201, and probably all of us on here who have been deeply and permanently touched by your work on this site). Would just scroll to it while holding my iPhone, and look at your message, and think. So much to process about shame. How we are programmed for shame in myriad ways prior to the appearance of h in our lives. And how this occasional skin condition becomes Velcro for all that free-floating shame. Much to think of... But for now, I want you to know how proud I am to know you, Adrial. Rothkogirl

And the disclosure is a success. You take your suppressive meds. You use condoms. You avoid genital contact during prodrome and occurrences. What if, God forbid, your partner gets it anyway? I am afraid that this will happen.

This new awareness of word choice in the context of HSV fascinates me. I'm a writer and I am enormously, constantly aware of the power of words. Not so in this part of my life. It's like the shame and the fear/expectation of rejection muted that part of my brain. Another word I used during my disclosure: herpes simplex. I used that term several times. I think "simplex" -- with its root, "simple" -- neutralized the nastiness of the h word. Plus using it next to "herpes" mitigated the literal ugliness of the h word. As I have mentioned, I dislike how "herpes" looks and sounds.

Leilani, I thought about you quite a bit prior to the talk. I truly appreciate your kindness and support.

Such aggressive words: outbreak, attack. I like "episode" a lot.

I only use suppressive meds when I'm seeing someone. And since it appears that I am, I'm taking Valtrex. My doc prescribed 500 mg. I am taking it morning and night. She gave me 30 tablets, which is good for just two weeks. I know this site doesn't dispense medical advice per se. I am wondering what others take, anecdotally. Am I over killing with 1000 mg?

In disclosing recently -- which went super well in many ways -- I decided to change a word. I believe it made a big difference -- to me at least. Instead of "outbreak" I used "occurrence." When you hear "outbreak," what comes to mind? How does the word "outbreak" make you feel? To me, outbreak makes me think of Ebola. Of terrifying pandemics. Of biological terrorism. Of the recent film. Of something over which there's no control. A really scary bad thing, that can kill you. Now think of "occurrence." What is an occurrence, exactly? An occurrence is an event. It's something that happens. It does not remind me of dreadful anything. It can be an annoyance. A traffic jam, a cold, a flat tire. It is nothing terrible. It is basically neutral. Choosing and using "occurrence" instead of "outbreak" calmed me. It minimized shame. It does not inflame. Nothing hysterical about an occurrence. And most of all, when it comes to HSV the term is accurate. HSV occurs. It manifests in prodrome form. It appears. It heals. It comes back, less and less often as time passes. It is an occasional event. It happens. It does not require the intervention of CDC officials in Washington.

I have been slammed with work, so haven't posted as I have wished to lately. But I have been certainly thinking of my recent disclosure experience. The whole issue evokes so much, is such a prompt to so many themes in life. The website makes this point beautifully. I mean, it's not like I never before disclosed. What WAS new was the way in which I did it. An entirely new approach. It is scary as hell but the process of preparing myself led to a lot of growth. I have much more to say about all of this.

It went very well! The ebook from this site truly helped. As did your support, Leilani. It was scary, taking this new, non-shameful approach. But he is fine with it, did not cringe, did not reject me. He actually seemed relieved that the important thing I had to tell him was herpes and not some kind of disturbing drama.

This site is wonderful. Thank you, Dale. And to everyone that comes here, to post or to read: How great it is that this place exists. Thank you.

Had a fabulous second date last night. It is rare for me to have such good chemistry with a new person, so it is such a pleasure. Tomorrow we get together again. We're attending a movie screening in the evening. I think we will be getting together beforehand. My plan is to have the talk in that time period before the event. Am planning to reread the ebook tonight. There is a level of depth to the guy and a sweet level of intensity in our mutual attraction. He said point blank that he is crazy about me. Trying to stay calm. Remembering the potential-deal breaker conversations other people have: I have cancer/a mastectomy/colostomy bag/multiple sclerosis/criminal record/bankruptcy filing/special needs child who will never live independently. Looking at the above scenarios, it is clear to me at least that the rejection is based on the condition and not the individual. Then why, in the case of H, is it so difficult to separate the condition from the self?

Leilani, thank you so much. So often you hear about people who got H by surprise. I don't often hear about those, like you and I, who got it during a committed relationship, with full recognition of the condition and the belief that this stupid thing wasn't so terrible. That our love for the person was greater than the reality of the cold sore. The last person who rejected me -- we had sex once, and he was nervous and distracted throughout -- just couldn't understand how I could knowingly enter into a relationship with someone with this condition. How I could ever run the risk of getting something so awful. He saw it in contamination terms. The second he removed the condom he ran to the sink in his bedroom and used soap and a washcloth all over his thighs and groin. And did he ever scrub. He liked me so much, he said, that he was willing to enter into a celibate relationship with me. Of course I see all the factors now that made the person wrong for me. So yes, it's good that H was involved. This was eight months ago. Leilani, thanks again. Rothkogirl

Hi, everyone. First, I have boundless kudos for the wonderful person who launched this site. This place is a treasure and something I wish existed 18 years ago, when I acquired HSV2 from my live-in boyfriend (then husband, now former husband and father of my kids). Thank you, Dale, for creating and nurturing this vibrant resource. So, yes, I've had this skin condition for nearly 20 years. I knew my ex had it. I didn't see it as cataclysmic in his life. I also didn't think we would break up. I knew chances were good that with time I would acquire it. I would inspect him before sex, yeah, but I wasn't hysterical about it. And yes, the first outbreak wasn't fun. I felt sick, it was painful, but it didn't last long. Today I rarely have outbreaks. I don't often take suppresive meds. When I'm in a relationship, I do. I have never transmitted to anyone (or least know of a transmission ). I always disclose. And lately, I have been rejected. By people who weren't right for me, I know, but to whom I was drawn at the time. I have been single for three-and-a-half years but dating occasionally. Again, I always disclose. I realize that I have communicated great shame during each disclosure. I hate saying the word "herpes." It sounds embarrassing and looks ugly when written. It looks like I'm going to be saying it soon. Disclosure time's a-comin'. It will probably happen this weekend. I really like this person and he seems to really like me. We will see. I am taking it slowly, not forecasting, just staying present in the communication. I am returning to this website -- and the awesome ebook -- daily. I am looking forward to the weekend -- I truly enjoy getting to know this person, and from his actions it's clear that my feelings are reciprocal. But I'm also starting to panic. I am in my mid-forties, a happy and healthy person, outbreaks a few times a year, and nary an abnormal pap smear to my name. Speaking of which, don't get me started on the hypocrisy surrounding HPV in our society. Sorry for the length of this message. I've been wanting to discuss these issues for a while with people in the know. And as I mentioned, disclosure time approaches. And I am scared.