Blueskygirl

I tested positive for HSV2 (genital) with a PCR swab in April 2012 when I developed symptoms 4 days after I had sex with a new guy. I had the blood test for HSV1 and HSV2 at that time. Both were negative, presumably since there wasn't enough time to build up IgG antibodies to HSV2. I had another blood test in March 2014 because I was dating someone new and wanted to have a thorough STD screen to show him the paperwork. The HSV1 level was negative. The HSV2 IgG says 1.4 AI. The lab reports says 0.0-0.8 AI Negative, 0.9- 1.0 AI Equivocal, and over 1.1 AI Positive. Since I've had HSV2 for almost 2 years at the time of the test, shouldn't the antibody level be higher? I take Acyclovir everyday. I've tried to go off anti-virals but I get prodromal symptoms (tingling). Does the anti-viral have an effect on the IgG level, decreasing it? Also does a lower IgG anti-body level mean that I'm less likely to transmit the virus to a H-negative person than if I have a higher level? What is the range of low to high IgG values?

Thanks for the replies. Like I mentioned in my original post, I'm not opposed to a FWB situation with clear guidelines, although my preference is to be in a monogamous committed relationship. I just don't see why it's a big deal for a guy to get tested at his doctor's office or clinic. Two of the guys I previously dated got tested (turned out to be H negative). I'm really surprised that most men think that as long as they wear a condom, they can have sex with anyone, no questions asked. Even they guys on Positive Singles act like this - "we all have herpes. We'll just sleep around with each other on the site." I think I'm becoming the crazy cat lady lol. My cat is less stress.

I met guy a few weeks ago and we hit it off personality wise and there is a physical attraction. He immediately began to pressure for sex and a relationship by the second date (I know - red flag). He is significantly younger than I am and attends college about 70 miles from me. I'm looking for a committed relationship but not entirely opposed to a FWB situation with certain guidelines. I wanted to disclose so I asked him if he would be willing to get a 10 panel STD test and I would also get tested again (I haven't been tested in a year. I've been HSV2 positive since April 2012, negative for HSV1 and I take Acyclovir everyday). He insisted he was clean because he always uses condoms, has only been with 4 girls and they were all virgins and that he doesn't sleep around. I told him that you can't be 100% sure unless you're STD free unless you get tested and that many infections don't have symptoms. He became defensive and kept saying, "Trust me. I'm clean." I told him I don't want to be pressured about having sex that soon so I said good-bye. He has contacted me again and he wants to hang out when he's back home from college on weekends/holidays. From his reaction, I suspect that he would freak out if were to disclose. Am I being unreasonable to insist that he get tested? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

He texted me back tonight. I was speechless. He said that he got tested for HSV1 and 2 a few days ago and it was negative. Then he said "we can still be friends" but he's dating someone. At that point I was really upset. I asked him why he took over a month to reply to me. He could've said I need more time to think about it instead of ignoring me. His only reply was "I know" and he told me to relax. I'm thinking "is he serious, has he lost his mind?" There was no apology. I told him I was really angry and I don't know if I can be friends with you right now. Then he stopped texting - I told him I wanted to talk because I hate texting this kind of stuff. What a terrible way to end my Mother's Day weekend :(

Update on my situation: I sent a letter to Mr. Disappearing Act on April 18. I basically told him how hurt I was by how he ended things. I told him that I really liked him and we clicked intellectually and personality wise. I even met some of his family and got along with them. I reiterated that I was honest and upfront with him and even showed him my copies of STD test results and not to assume someone is free of STIs unless there has been a thorough discussion. I mentioned that I wished that we had talked more and he never was tested for HSV1 or 2 before he made this decision to end all contact with me. The ironic thing is he works in the medical field so I would've thought someone like that would want to be fully informed. I didn't curse him out although I wanted to. I felt that I had to do that to get closure. I don't expect him to reply. I'm still sad about it but moving on and hopefully will find someone who can act more maturely.

I've disclosed 3 times - once to an ex-boyfriend who tried to reunite with me and it didn't go well. He ran. The next guy I waited until we had dated for almost 3 months. It was nerve wracking hiding it from him. We took things very slow physically when we first dated. I calmly presented the facts and even printed out the handouts from this site to show him. We discussed STDs and he said that he had been tested for HSV1 and 2 and was confirmed negative. We did have sex but the relationship fell apart...long story. The most recent guy I met last summer and have talked to on and off but we didn't actually date until early March due to the distance. He kept bringing up sex and I disclosed to him after 3 weeks and presented the facts again. He said that he had been tested for STDs but he wasn't sure if herpes was included in the tests. We did have sex although he pretty much disappeared on me after. The texts became less frequent and he didn't want to talk to me anymore. It's hard to say how long you should wait before telling - depends on the person, your communication level with them, if you feel this is someone you would have a future with, etc. I would recommend when you're disclosing is to ask the guy what STDs they have been tested for. HSV1 and 2 are not included in standard STD testing and most assume they are free of STIs when they haven't even been tested for herpes. It's often put on us to disclose but the other person might have STDs also. Good luck!

Hi, welcome :) I've felt a lot of the same feelings as you when I was diagnosed 3 years ago. To answer your questions: 1) I'm not a medical expert but if you're sure that you haven't had any outbreaks and you're on anti-virals and using condoms, I would think you could have sex. 2) Definitely disclose. If it's a guy I'm on a date with or hanging out I wait until I think sex will likely to happen. I've disclosed to 3 guys: my ex-bf and he was not okay with it, one guy after 3 months of dating, and a recent guy after dating for 3 weeks (although we met 9 months ago and texted on and off). My opinion is not too wait too long, like the 3 months I did, but you don't need to tell on the first date (because you might not hit it off and see him anymore). The second guy was confirmed H- and the recent guy was unknown (not tested for HSV1 or 2 but other STDs). I did have sex with those 2 guys once. They didn't want to continue dating me. I'm guessing the risk of getting H from being in a relationship with me was the reason. I have hooked up with guys from Positive Singles so if you want to have casual sex you could explore that possibility without the anxiety of disclosing. You should still discuss STDs with them and take precautions because they could have something other than herpes. 3) I'm not sure about tanning. When I sat out at the pool after I was diagnosed, it would trigger prodromal symptoms (tingling) in me that first year. That doesn't happen now when I'm out in the sun because I've built up more anti-bodies. 4) I'm very surprised that a doctor didn't do a culture or blood test and relied on a visual diagnosis. I agree with WCSDancer that you should get tested. Good luck!

I just want to hear from others on this issue, particularly the women. I was diagnosed with HSV2 three years ago. I thought that when I found Positive Singles, I would give me hope but I've just found that half of the guys I met on there wanted hookups. The other guys were nice but there wasn't enough chemistry or they just didn't seem interested. I did have sex with three guys from PS, hoping it would lead to a relationship or in time the guy would fall in love with me. Of course this didn't happen. One of them became verbally abusive towards me and I accepted his bad treatment because he was very good looking. I've disclosed to 3 guys - an ex-bf who couldn't deal with it, one guy who was confirmed H-, and a recent guy who seemed to really like me but decided to blow me off and not even have the courage to talk to me face to face or even call me. The last 2 guys I did have sex with once so they were willing to take the 1% risk that time. I'm guessing they didn't want to take the risk by being in an ongoing relationship with me. I feel so low that I feel like I have to settle for hook ups with guys from PS or for any guy (unknown H or H- status) that will accept me. Sometimes I wish I could lie like my giver did to me because the recent guy probably wouldn't have ditched me. I've tried to live my life with honesty and integrity by disclosing and this is what I get. Ladies, have you been in situations where you tolerated bad treatment from someone or felt like you had to settle for someone just because they accepted you?

So Mr. Wonderful ended things by blowing me off. I am so upset because he went from being this really nice caring guy who I clicked with intellectually and shared the same sense of humor to doing a 180. If he had talked to me and just said "I don't want to take the risk", "It's not going to work out" or even "I met someone else" I would have been accepting. I asked him to go make sure his recent STD tests included HSV1 and 2 because I told him standard testing doesn't include herpes unless you ask for the specific tests. I also recommended that he get a blood test to see if he is truly H-. He said he would get checked. He has not replied to my texts or even my voicemail asking if everything is okay for a week now when he normally replies in the same day. I'm having a lot of anxiety about how he treated me. I have no closure and I'm thinking about this 24/7. WCSDancer, I appreciate all your words of wisdom. I wish I could be as optimistic as you :)

My original post contained some things that were not clear. When I said that I have dated lots of guys who were unknown status, I did not have sex with them, I made out with them or did things with clothes on. They would want to have sex but I just told them I didn't want to. I don't disclose to every guy that date unless I feel that I could trust them. The only person I've had sex with whose HSV status is unknown is the current guy. I've known him for 9 months and we've talked/texted during that time period but started going out on dates 3 weeks ago. I'm now of the mindset not to wait too long before having the talk. With guy #2 I waited 3 months from that time we started dating - at that point I was emotionally attached to him before we even had sex and the entire time I felt like I was full of anxiety before I told him. He texted me last night that he thinks he is having an outbreak. We had sex Thursday night, which was 3 days ago. He said that he shaved so he's not sure if it's razor burn or herpes. I told him to go to a doctor today to ask for a PCR swab and also to get a blood test for IgG, which would check if he got HSV1 or 2 from a previous partner (since antibodies wouldn't show up this soon if he did get HSV2 from me). Is there anything else that he should be asking the doctor? I'm really stressed about this because if he did contract H2 from me he will be angry/upset even though I did disclose or if he finds out it's just razor burn, it'll be the end of our dating.

I've been dating someone for about 3 weeks. We met last June so we've known each other for a while and have texted talked for sometime. He was crazy about me but I kept pushing him away due to the long distance and the H issue. I felt that we had talked enough that I could trust him. He talked about having a relationship and going on trips together, etc. He brought up sex several times and I finally told him and I even gave him one of the handouts I printed off from this site. I told him I take Acyclovir for suppressive therapy. We wound up having sex with a condom. I felt pressured by him to have sex btw. The next morning, I told him we should've waited to have sex. He told me he wanted to think about it as far as continuing dating. I gave him a few links to research. He had been tested for STDs before but I don't think it included HSV. I have gone out with a lot of guys who are unknown status (have never been tested for HSV1or 2 or think they have no STDs) but the H issue is a dark cloud. This is the third guy I've disclosed to - the first, my ex-bf was not okay with the H issue and the second guy (confirmed H negative) was accepting and we had sex once but the relationship ended (not certain if it was because of H but he was still looking for other women on dating sites which made me feel terrible). I feel like now these 3 men know me as the "herpes girl" and the current guy will try to find someone who is "clean". All the depression that I had when I was first diagnosed 3 years ago is coming back. Another issue is that I'm worried about giving it to someone who is confirmed H negative or unknown status. I'm trying to give him some space to think about it. Is it true that the virus is easily killed by soap and water, like if he were to shower after having sex with me, or wash his hands after touching me it would further reduce transmission risk? Is there anything more I can say to alleviate his fear? Thanks for your help :)

I wanted to see how many of you ask for your partner's STD results in written form or go get tested together. I think a lot of pressure is put on us to disclose and to be accepted by the other person whose H status is unknown (never tested or no symptoms) or confirmed H-. For those of you who have brought up STDs, was your partner open to getting tested or were they offended at the suggestion that they had H1 or H2? Or do you usually accept their word when they say they don't have STDs? I'm just trying to get some ideas of how to approach this when I disclose. Thanks!

I feel like that too. The guy I was dating for 3 months seemed to accept me at first. He was confirmed H-. We had sex one time, with a condom then he washed himself off. After that he kept making excuses and blew me off. I understand him changing his mind and not wanting to take the risk but I wished he had talked to me face to face. Now I'm constantly texting and talking to guys and trying to arrange dates, mostly with guys who's H status is unknown (never been tested) or claim they are "clean" and guys on Positive Singles (which they're aren't many where I live). I'll make out and cuddle with them because I feel lonely and want to be physically close to someone. When they want to have sex I make some excuse to stop it from going further because I don't want to be rejected again. I'm getting to the point where I'm just trying to find a guy on PS to just have sex with. I feel like I think about men 24/7 and it's driving me crazy lol

I contracted HSV2 two years ago and was devastated. This was a guy I had known before and we hooked up one time. I believe my giver didn't disclose because he acted shady after we had sex and lied to me about other things. I called a personal injury attorney and asked him if I would be able to subpoena the guy's medical records to see if my giver knew he had herpes. The attorney said it would be very difficult to win this case because of HIPAA laws and privacy. He said I could sue the guy and try to get it paid through renter's or homeowner's insurance (instead of his personal assets). The reality is that I would spend thousands of dollars on an attorney and not even win $1. Another option he mentioned would be small claims court but it would be difficult to force this guy to show up in court since I wouldn't be using an attorney. My friends also brought up that if my giver had his own attorney, his lawyer would tear me up in court. My sexual history would be put on trial for a jury. They would argue that I had sex with other men and got it from someone else and possibly dig up information on my former dates and ex-boyfriend. We live in a world where a woman's sexual behavior is judged more harshly than a man's - unfair but it's true. I'm sorry for what you happened to you but if you file a lawsuit, as whitedaises said, it will continue the hurt. Good luck and ((hugs)).

@KLB: Thanks for the info. I don't have outbreaks on my thighs or butt. @WCSDancer: I will go a while, like a few months with no symptoms. I've been stressed for the last month and the it seems like I've had the tingling for most days :(

1. Yes. He didn't disclose. I think he lied because he told me other lies. If he didn't know he had the virus, he continued to be in denial after I told him I got it from him and that he needs to get tested. 2. Once. 3. Yes. He touched me down there after he put on the condom. After we had sex which was very quick, he looked at his genital region while he was taking off the condom (he didn't ejaculate). Then made an excuse that he had to go pick up his friend and left. 4. Don't know.

From what I've read the herpes virus can shed not only in the area of the outbreaks but the boxer short region. I've genital HSV2 for 2 years. My first outbreak was in the vaginal area (the lips where I could see with a mirror). I take suppressive therapy, Acyclovir 500mg twice a day. I'm not sure if I've had other outbreaks or if it's just red from being irritated (e.g, new soap, wearing a swimsuit too long) I do get frequent prodromal symptoms, tingling in the upper thigh area, when I'm under stress. I thought the virus transmits from skin-to-skin contact through open cuts, microscopic tears, sores, or mucous membranes. And this is why it's easier for women to get herpes from men since our vagina and vulva have more mucous membrane area than a man's penis? Is it possible for me to transmit the virus if a guy touches my upper thighs or butt or is stimulating me manually (including fingering - sorry for being graphic)? If the virus was on his hand and he touched his penis or other body part, would he get HSV2?

I'm very frustrated that HSV1 and HSV2 isn't included in the standard panel of STDs. I was tested for 5 years for STDs at my annual exam and my gynecologist never even brought it up. Then I got herpes 2 years ago, which I thought at first was a urinary tract infection. The swab turned out positive but the IgG blood tests were negative for HSV1 and HSV2 because it was a recent infection. I had the IgG blood tests done a couple of months ago. At first my doctor asked why because it'll still show up positive for HSV2. I just told her I wanted written results so I could show this guy I dated when I disclosed to him. I was negative for everything except HSV2. I asked her why herpes isn't included in routine testing and she said because a lot of people already have HSV1. I don't really think this a good reason to not test. I think the stigma would greatly reduce if all sexually active people were tested for herpes. Most people assume they are clean if they don't have symptoms and a lot of them would be very surprised. Is there anything we can do to bring more awareness to the CDC, our physicians and everyone about HSV1 and HSV2?

I feel like it just keeps getting worse. It's bad enough I have HSV2 - I'm still trying to cope with it after 2 years. I noticed that my 16 year old daughter has a cold sore. She lives with her dad part of the time so I had never seen this before. I asked how long she's had cold sores and she said whenever the weather gets hot but she didn't want to talk about it. She has a boyfriend but isn't sexually active with him - we talk about this and I don't think she's hiding anything from me. She said she got it before she met him so it's not from kissing him. I'm also mad at the person who gave her HSV1 although I have no idea who it is - it could be a friend she shared a drink or lip gloss or anyone. I've tested negative for HSV1 twice so I'm pretty certain that it's not from me because I've shared food and drink with my kids. My children don't know about my situation. I don't feel comfortable telling them and two of them are younger so they don't know what STDs and herpes are. I don't know how I should talk to my daughter about HSV1 and HSV2. Should I just not say anything to her about cold sores being a form of herpes?

@blueeyes: I don't get on this site often but I disclosed by telling the guy I was recently tested for STDs and I said, "I tested negative for everything except HSV2. Do you know what that is?" I even showed him the lab report and a handout from this site with statistics. I told him that I don't get outbreaks because I take Acyclovir. What happened with disclosing to your bf?

Thank you everyone for your responses. I don't get on this site very often. @Sayyywhatt: Very true. I'm pretty certain that the guy who gave me the virus didn't tell me. He acted shady after we slept together by lying to me and I know his ex-gf. She said he isn't a trustworthy person which is why they broke up. Either way I told him needs to get tested but he continued to deny that he had herpes and that he tested clean. Interestingly he quoted to me, "What are you so worried about? 25 percent of people have herpes" How would he know this statistic unless he did even some basic research about the virus? I didn't know anything about HSV1 or HSV2 before I got the virus. @WCSDancer2010: Thank you for the links. Part of it is that since my two disclosures didn't go well, I don't know if I could make myself emotionally vulnerable. I just get so depressed about this issue and there isn't a day that I don't think about this virus. I know that I'm letting the stigma take over my life and I just want to be able to date like I used to.

Have any of you disclosed or not disclosed if you engaged in hookups/casual sex? I'll admit I have had sex with a lot of guys before I got HSV2. I've even had unprotected sex with a few guys - I know, not smart at all. The guy who gave me the virus was a hookup and he did use a condom- he didn't know he had herpes or didn't disclose. Maybe two of the guys asked me if I was on birth control or if I've been tested for STDs. A lot of men think that by just putting on a condom, they can pretty much have sex with any woman and everything will be okay. I meet and date a lot of guys, mostly not from Positive Singles, so their HSV1 or HSV2 status is unknown or they assume they're negative from lack of symptoms. Anyone who is sexually active assumes certain risks. Unless you get tested between every partner (which can be frequent if you have sex with multiple people) and show someone your medical reports, there is no way to tell if someone is telling the truth when they say, "I get tested and I'm clean." Unless a person is going to have sex with one person for his/her entire life and both people have been tested, there is a risk of getting an STD. If the guy doesn't bring up STDs, why is the burden put all on me to disclose? For those of you who engage in hookups, do you have casual sex with all H+ people or with people who's HSV status is unknown or confirmed H- people? I wanted to get other opinions because most of the posts on here seem to be about disclosing within a relationship context.

I appreciate the responses. @Orngpeelmafia: I understand I'm letting a stigma define me but I don't consider it a silly rash. The first couple of months after my diagnosis, I had shooting pains down my legs and some of my toes would go numb. I've never had that happen before. It could be coincidence but I'm thinking since HSV2 lives in the nerve ganglia it's related. I'm not there emotionally like you are. I wish I was. @WCSDancer: You're really brave to disclose your H status on Okcupid and POF. I really admire you for that - I couldn't do that. I've dated guys not from Positive Singles and have let things get pretty heated physically before I stop the guy and make some excuse so I don't have to disclose. I have 2 close friends that know I have HSV2 and don't judge - one of them told me she has friends with the virus. I have 2 other friends I would never tell because they've made negative comments about people with STDs. As far as the guy, I wasn't expecting him to want to be in a serious relationship but I sure wasn't expecting him to never talk to me again after we had sex one time. I have had hook ups/fwb before the virus and also after the virus (2 guys on PS) so I've had sex outside a relationship context although emotionally it's not ideal. Thanks for the links. @jded_jada: I made that comment because I feel that people are more accepting of someone with cancer or other medical conditions other than an STD. A lot of people think people with herpes are dirty or gross like the comments I've heard at work. I feel like my spirit is gone. I just want to feel like a normal person again.

I tested positive for HSV2 2 years ago. The first time I had the talk was right after I tested positive with the culture swab. At that time my blood tests for HSV1 and HSV2 were negative since I was recently infected (I knew who gave me the virus). My ex-boyfriend was coming onto me big time and I stopped him and said I have something to tell you. I blurted out "This guy gave me herpes" while crying. My ex tried to be understanding by soon after he stopped texting me. I became very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. He text me an apology months later for how he treated me. I started dating someone in January. He was respectful, planned dates and treated me nicely. He didn't bring up sex until 2 months after we started going out. We weren't in an exclusive relationship - he wanted to keep seeing each other but didn't want a relationship. Things got hot and heavy, clothes came off and he wanted to have intercourse. I stopped him. I realize I should have disclosed to him sooner. Shortly after, I had a complete STD panel with a lab report so that I could show him when I told him. My blood test, IgG, for HSV2 was positive. I was negative for HSV1 and the other STDs. The next time I saw him I said, "Before we have sex, we haven't talked about birth control and STDs. I tested negative for everything except HSV2. Do you know what that is?" I showed him my lab report and a handout on herpes and transmission rates and I told him I took anti-virals and if we used a condom it would reduce the risk down to 1%, no sex during outbreaks (female to male, according to the handout). He told me he had been tested for everything including herpes, although I didn't ask for his lab results because I trusted him. He seemed accepting and we did have sex. He started making excuses why he couldn't see me - family in town, had to work an extra day, etc. The last time he texted me back was on May 9. I tried calling him the other day but I think he blocked my number (you can tell with iPhones) - I left a voicemail. I knew something was wrong and I wanted to talk with him but he ended things with no closure. I'm pretty sure he couldn't deal with the risk of getting infected but I won't know for sure. I alternate between being angry with him and crying. I would not have agreed to have sex with him if I knew he would never talk to me again. I feel like I'm back to when I was first diagnosed - wishing I'd die in my sleep, if I could get this virus out of my body and trade it for cancer. Other than Positive Singles, my dating life is ruined. I get asked out by a lot of guys but I don't know if I could go through telling someone again. I honestly wish I was one of the ignorant ones (of my HSV2 status) so I could date like a normal person again.