WhoopsiDaysi
-
Posts
246 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Posts posted by WhoopsiDaysi
-
-
It was an amazing weekend lelani. It's not really something you can describe. I went for lunch with one of the members of our Calgary H support group and I tried to explain it, but words just didn't do it justice. It is one of those things you have to actually experience. I am going to sit down and try to write things down and see if I can actually articulate what happened this weekend in a way that others can understand, but I am not entirely sure I can. I think all I can do is explain how it made me feel and leave it at that. If you can ever make it out to one of these events, I promise you, you will be so glad you did. I have never felt so loved in all my life.
-
Hey CBK, You can feel good about being open and honest and giving full disclosure and doing the right thing. The thing is we can't control other people's reactions. All we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves we can be, create a space for open communication and then the rest is up to them. I am so proud of how you handled yourself and I feel a sadness that this lady can't appreciate what a gem she is passing by for "something better". Unfortunately that is what happens sometimes with the online thing. There is that mentality, as you pointed out, of always thinking there is something better "out there" and not wanting to make a decision "just in case". If she can't appreciate your open heart, integrity and honesty, then sweetheart, she really doesn't deserve you. Sort of like throwing pearls before swine. Your daughter is a smart cookie. You deserve a woman who will know a good thing when she sees it and hangs on with both hands. You don't deserver to be anyone's "fall back" or "just in case". You deserve to be someone's everything.
Consider this one good practice on the disclosure thing and honor yourself for realizing you DO deserve something so much more! Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. You are awesome!
Brenda xo
-
Thanks so much Adrial. Likewise for me, meeting you was so amazing and, as you say, surreal. Hard to put into words actually but it was like meeting a kindred spirit especially after talking to you and chatting on the forum. I am hoping our paths will cross again very soon. You have such a beautiful, loving, healing spirit Adrial and your capacity for love, enthusiasm, joy, and being so genuine and in the moment is so wonderful to be around.
-
I agree with Adrial. Read your post as if someone else were writing it about you and see what that feels like. Your friend may surprise you by his reaction and you may be robbing him of the opportunity to show his true capacity for acceptance and caring. Only you know what feels right for you though. :) Sometimes people surprise you in a very good way.
-
I just got back home from the most amazing experience of my life - the H Opportunity weekend. Wow. What an incredible experience. It's hard to really describe it in a few words because so much went on this weekend. There was laughter, there were tears, there was healing and breakthroughs and many lasting friendships formed. The reason to come together was the shared experience of herpes but the result was healing, growth and love. If you are looking for something that will help you find more peace, love and self-acceptance while pushing your edge, showing you parts of yourself you never knew existed and being showered with unconditional love, then you need to go to the next H Opportunity weekend. I can guarantee you won't come home the same person.
It's not a weekend of sitting and listening to lectures. It's a weekend of doing, searching, exploring, supporting others, loving, accepting and growth. If you are feeling shame, feeling "less than", confused, unempowered, then the H Opportunity weekend may be what you have been looking for. It's not so much about herpes but all about you. When is the last time you were able to take a weekend that is all about you? In this world of busyness and stress, the H Opportunity is a chance to disconnect from it all, slow down and really see yourself and others authentically for the first time.
I just want to take the time to thank Adrial for organizing and running this event and all the volunteers who made this weekend the experience that it was for us. I also want to thank the participants for being so loving and supportive and for being brave enough to really take the time to look within and allow the love that was available to really sink in to their hearts. I made such amazing friendships this weekend and had such fantastic connections like I have honestly never had with any other human being before. It was beautiful, touching and awe inspiring. I will miss you all but look forward to staying connected.
Brenda xox
-
-
Looking forward to this weekend!! :)
-
Thanks lelani. Matt is an extraordinary man. Who knows what will ultimately come of things, but how things went yesterday really was a gift. He emailed me today and it sounds like he isn't running off any time soon. :) He is a honey.
Congrats on dating again! That is so awesome. I might change your affirmation to be in the present as if it has already happened. Maybe something like "I am grateful for the love from the right man who is perfect for me". I have heard a lot about talking "as if" and that power of that. Either way, it's a great affirmation!! I know the perfect man is already on his way to you. Just keep that beautiful heart of yours open to receiving the abundant blessings that are so rightly yours. :) xo
-
Here are some affirmations from Louise Hay's newsletter today:
I am beautiful and everybody loves me.
I radiate acceptance, and I am deeply loved by others. Love surrounds me and protects me.
I choose to feel good—no matter what others say, think, or do.
I am so grateful for my beautiful life. I am cherished and loved by everyone.
I give to others all the things I wish to receive.
-
Um, so update - how did the date go? :)
-
Well, we had the Dance. We had supper and then came back to my place. We poured a glass of wine and Matt said that we needed to have the "sexual health talk" and what did that entail. He made some jokes and we chatted and I fumbled a bit and he said he assumed I had something to tell him so I just said it outright. I have herpes. He didn't miss a beat. He said basically not a big deal and not a deal breaker. It's nothing to worry about. Let's move on. He said he was so sorry I had to go through the stress of telling him and he hugged me. Then we talked about where we were going from here since it was Date #3. We decided that we would stop seeing anyone else and see where this goes! Okay, could that have gone any better!!! Whew!! If all disclosures could go like that, life would be good. I am still scared that he will wake up and realize what it really means and vanish like smoke, but that is my insecurities talking. And even if he does, he gave me that gift of not getting "the Look" and of total acceptance. Wow. That's all I can say.
I love the idea of affirmations CBK. I have a few Louise Hay books of affirmations and I turn to random pages every morning to see what the "message of the day" is and it's funny how the messages are just what I need for that day. :) If you want to share affirmations, that would be awesome! Thanks again for your encouragement.
-
Thanks CBK. We do have incredible chemistry and we are able to just say it like it is. I am hoping that chemistry and a sense of humor will carry us through. God, I just cannot handle to see "The Look" on his face. It's the same look no matter who it is. It's gut wrenching. Hopefully I will be able to report that THIS TIME it was different. Honest to Dog, some days I just want to tattoo it on my forehead for the world to know so I don't have to have this conversation. This is building character....right? :)
I can't imagine the certification CBK. I did work on the distress line and our training was similar. Roleplaying is much more fun when there are high heels and restraints involved. LOL
Okay.....time to get this show on the road. Thanks again CBK!
Brenda
-
Okay, so girl meets boy. Boy likes girl. Girl realizes she REALLY likes boy. But girl has a virus. Now girl needs to tell boy. Boy used to be an EMT though. So....hmmm......how to disclose this to someone with that training. Does it make it easier or does it make Boy test out how fast his sneakers really are.
So, I met a guy on eHarmony. Emailed and got along. Went on Date 1. Huge Chemistry. So huge it took him a few weeks to get his head around whether he was actually ready for the real deal. Okay, we finally went on Date 2 on Friday. Really Huge Chemistry. So.....now there is Date 3 tomorrow (he asked to see me before I left for the seminar...awwww). We were emailing tonight and we were talking about sex and I said that sex gets complicated when we get older and that we needed to have the whole sexual health talk because that's what grown ups do nowadays. Didn't he get the memo. He wrote back to say he wasn't sure what to say exactly. He's been fixed. How does one do a sexual health talk? I write back that it's a whole new world out there and there are things to talk about. I said I would teach how to have the sexual health talk and that it would be fun and he would thank me later. I said that after the talk he would realize how amazing I really am. I am trying to keep it light and fun. Then he reminds me he used to be an EMT. Oh right (I really should take notes...). Riiiight. How to handle the talk now..... I am honestly going to try to make it as fun and positive as I possibly can but there is that really insecure part of me that just wants to puke and hide. I think I will have to employ something similar to what I told my son when I told him how lucky he was to have the non-itchy kind of chicken pox. He believed me and hardly scratched and told people for years how he got the non-itchy kind. (Yes, that boy will need counselling after being my son). So, how to put a positive spin on "Hey, you are SO lucky because I have herpes and I know it". I am SO glad the seminar is this weekend. I will either be celebrating or be so grateful to have a positive experience to look forward to. Wish me luck and any suggestions on how to present to him how frickin lucky he is to have met ME would be more than welcome.
-
Need2talk, we all get where you are coming from sweetheart. The diagnosis seems like the worst thing that could have ever happened but, trust me, it gets better and, believe it or not, there are blessings in this little virus we share. Your life will change for sure, but I think all of us will tell you, it changes in many ways for the better. Reaching out to a group like this is so powerful. Here you will get love and support through your down times, advice through the uncertain times, and hugs and high fives for your victories. Herpes does not need to define you any more than having a cold sore anywhere else would. You are still the gorgeous, fun, intelligent woman you were before you knew. And you know, you will become an even more amazing woman afterwards because there are so many opportunities for growth in this situation. You will be pushed sometimes beyond what you think you can do and then when you do it and you see how strong and amazing you are, you will be blown away. Just take it one day at a time and don't allow those thoughts and fears to take hold. Your feelings are not the truth in this matter. They are the fears of the unknown and that is okay and perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel however you feel but also know it will get SO much better as time goes on. I have grown so much, met so many amazing people and made some wonderful friends and my life really is so much richer as a result. Honestly, I wouldn't change it now if I could because if I did, then I would miss out on all the blessings as well. Hang in there and keep posting my dear. All things happen for a reason and there are many blessings waiting for you!!
Brenda xo
-
Good luck on the date!! :) That is so awesome that you don't have to do the "Disclosure Dance". Is she a "member" or how does she know? Let us know how the date goes!
-
I hear ya Cliff. Funny how when you talk about it, you find out you are not alone and it takes the air out of it. I found out my own mother has it! Who knew!! LOL It really isn't a big deal if we don't let it be. It's only as big as we make it out to be in our mind. It's like the monster under the bed when we were kids. As we matured and got older, we realized the "monster" was nothing more than our own fears and dust bunnies. :)
-
I was just talking to Adrial about that very thing today CBK. I said the other sites I was on made me want to slit my wrists by the time I was done. This community is so different and so positive (thank you Adrial for creating that space) and it is really such a blessing. Herpes is not something we would choose but now that we're here, let's see what we can make of it and how we can use it to take us to our next level of maturity and growth. It's all a choice. Thanks for being part of that positive movement. :)
-
Yes, Kristin and Nicole were both so awesome!! I wanted to hug them both because they are such beautiful, intelligent, amazing women. They both added so much to the call and I could relate so much to what each of them had to say. Thanks so much Nicole and Kristin for being so open and transparent. What a wonderful gift for all of us to experience. Hugs!!! Brenda
-
Hey CBK - I hear ya on putting my H status on my profile. Like you said, given the level of ignorance on the issue, I would prefer to have a face to face. I educate every person I have The Talk with and so, as gut wrenching as it feels each time for me, I really feel like there is a reason we met. I have learned through my coaching especially that the Universe only brings us the people we need and can learn from. I have met two men who had such horrific experiences with herpes - one had a filandering dad who had herpes so, for him, herpes had a really negative connotation. The other had a sister-in-law who got it from her cheating husband. She then passed it on to her new boyfriend and the boyfriend would come to her work everyday and tell everyeone she worked with how she ruined his life by giving him herpes. No accident our paths crossed. The other men either had things to learn about being safe sexually or else, I had things to learn about my choices in men. It's interesting how that all works.
I hear ya Atlantic on idealizing other people. Most of us do. We think everyone else has their stuff together but, the fact of the matter is, we all have stuff, like you say. Some of it bigger than a simple virus. It's just that the virus has such a stigma attached to it. The virus, I find, gives me a chance to take the shiny parts off of the other person because it slows everything down for me. I have a chance to invite my brain to the party before my heart puts the blinders on.
-
I really enjoyed the call tonight Adrial. I had some good take aways. I came in a bit late, but there were a few things I took away. One was that herpes really is the big magnifying glass in relationships. It also brings to light other people's true personality. When we disclose, their reaction tells us a lot about their true character. We get an glimpse into the inner core.
I loved what you said also about people having "preferences". Everyone is looking for something different in a relationship. People are going to accept or reject us for various reasons and herpes is just one of them. People like someone who is tall or thin or blonde or intelligent or whatever. It doesn't make the people who are short, robust, red head or mentally entertaining any less of a person. It's all a preference.
One thing I am learning is to just not take other people's reaction so personally. If someone is reacting, it has more to do with them than it has to do with me. I have also learned that no one comes into our lives by accident and I know every single person I have had contact with and have had the talk with needed to hear what I had to say. Our lives intertwined, even for a short time, for a reason and I helped them grow in some way either by educating them or challenging their beliefs. Meeting me was necessary in some way for their growth. And maybe it will help keep them safe as well because most times I am the first person they have ever talked openly about sex with before. Maybe in their next relationships they will be more open about having discussions before things get intimate so they are better informed about their partner's health. :)
Thanks again Adrial. I look forward to the seminar next week!! It is going to be AWESOME!
Brenda
-
Hey Atlanta. I get ya on the dogs. I could be the crazy dog lady. I actually go to the pet store to play with all the animals. I am like a 5 year old in there. I play with the birds, talk to Chloe the Cockatoo, talk to the bunnies, play with the store dogs and let them climb all over me. And then I come home to my own two - my dog and my cockatiel and enjoy the unconditional love they give me. They don't care if I have herpes, or if I have gained 10 pounds or if I am getting gray hair. I feed them and they love me cuz I'm their mama. :)
Good luck with the date. If there is no huge chemistry, maybe it's not worth the stress. When I finally disclosed this week, as I was doing it I realized I really wasn't feeling it. I was actually hoping he would reject me so I didn't have to dump him! LOL Sometimes I use it as a defence mechanism to get rid of people. In the end, I decided that I needed to be straight with him. I'm just not feeling it and I may have herpes, but man, his baggage was certainly more than carry on. Drugs, theft, bankruptcy.....made my herpes look pretty damn good at that point! LOL
I hate disclosing but I always feel better once it's out there. Maybe practice on this one if you don't really care. Then when the right one comes along, it won't be so hard. :)
-
CBK welcome to our community and thank you so much for sharing your story. You are obviously an intelligent man with an incredible amount of integrity. I am like Lelani, I am confused as to why your ex didn't disclose after you did. Like Lelani, I would be so relieved. Every date I go on I pray they have it! It would just make life so much easier! If it were me I'd probably be over the table and in for a hug I would be so relieved and happy!
I look forward to your future posts. I am still learning about the virus. I found out a year ago that I had it but I think I was one of the 80% for many years, but I can't be sure. I enjoy learning as much as I can about this virus as well as how to deal with the social and emotional impact it has on all of us so keep posting! :)
Brenda
-
You are awesome Janet. :) I had a similar realization this week - The H Opportunity has actually made me slow down getting into relationships. Before herpes, I would jump into a new relationship with my heart and about two or three weeks into it my head would catch up....maybe. I made some really bad choices made by letting the relationship move forward too fast and not acknowledging all the red flags and huge stop signs along the way. I realized with Disclosure Guy from this week that he was exactly like every other guy I had been with, except this time, because of herpes, things needed to move slower and I had a chance to really examine things with my head and, for the first time, walked away. What an incredible gift! So, yes, herpes is not the reason I am not with someone but it is certainly the reason I am not with someone who is not good for me!
-
I hear ya Lelani. It's all about location with this sneaky little virus. Everytime I see someone with a cold sore it still makes me cranky. Isn't that funny - your coworker has shingles mere inches from your ouchies and it's totally fine to talk about it, tell the world, even show everyone. We, on the other hand, suffer in silence and embarassment. I'm know I'm not about to be showing off my ouchies to anyone! LOL
That is awesome Atlanta - the H Bomb. It really feels that way some days, doesn't it? I heard that herpes is rampant in the seniors homes because the old boys and girls figure since they don't have to worry about getting pregnant, they don't need to use condoms. I don't even want a visual of one of them trying to put one on....but I digress. Anyway, maybe what I need to do is start cruising the seniors homes and see what I can find! LOL I like your idea about the animal shelter as well, but I think I am maxed out on puppy love. Thankfully I have a smaller condo otherwise....I could be "that woman with all the dogs". :)
We just have to laugh about it ladies. Not much else we can do. :) At some point some smart fella will realize it's just a virus. OR he'll be part of the club and it's all herpes happiness. :)
.jpg)
Open letter to Adrial: Your story?
in General inspiration
Posted
Adrial, thank you again for your absolute humanity and vulnerability and willingness to share of yourself. I am curious and I think Bobby asked about it as well - how to navigate intimacy in times of outbreaks or even just how to take intimacy to a new level where it isn't all about the act, but that it's more spiritual, more of a connection on a soul level. I also am curious if there are any resources of information for people who have herpes and conducting safer sex. I know there is the standard "use a condom" but if you don't have outbreaks where a condom covers then other than preventing other STDs, it's not a lot of help to prevent herpes. Being such a common condition, you'd think there would be something out there. But then you'd think the medical community would have a clue as well but they generally don't. I am just curious what your thoughts are on the subject. :)