seeker

thanks WCSdancer, the financial stress is new. I don't have health insurance and am already on a tight budget plus there are some kid related bills that need to be paid. I feel a lot of anxiety at the moment about casual transmission and every bump and itch on my body I question. I have yet to find someone in my circle to talk with and I almost feel as if I am hiding something from those I love but am terrified to disclose. Yet I need to in several ways, openness, support (possibly financial help for the drugs, I understand it can be @ 150 a month for suppressive) I also have some worry about the HIV connection. I did get a rapid test done for that and I was negative but there is a 3 month latency and I do have 1 higher risk contact ( unknown at the time) during that. This diagnosis came when I was already being introspective and kind of down . Reading this site and your blog has helped. I also just read about a phase 2 study on humans for a therapeutic vaccine that will bring down the viral load to non transmittable levels and that sounds great. My new friend has had H2 5 years and was more concerned about the transmission than the OBs and hers can be bad so I guess a person kind of learns to live with it. While I have an intellectual understanding that its almost impossible to casually transmit H2 to someone else I still have an emotional response, my "daddy sense uber- hyper protective mode" thing going and it would literally kill me to give it to him. Plus I did the go to the lab and get a test thing to save money so I didn't even have a doctor to talk with when I got my diagnosis, just an email with what seems to be devastating news. So I feel utterly alone at the moment. all day I think about this thing inside me, I started crying and getting angry at all the handwashing cause I touched myself on the skin somewhere. I live in florida and work outside so the area from the waist to the knee is always itchy to begin with, esp in summer and that doesn't help. ARG, I feel like crying right now!!!!

This will be a short intro as I need to leave for work. I just found out last Tuesday evening about having H2 and I have been all over the place emotionally. My hands literally shake most of the time, if I don't keep my mind busy ( and it doesn't want to focus too easily right now) I obsess over this. every bump and itch anywhere on my body makes me wonder, I feel contaminated, alone, depressed, unable to share and now financially hemorrhaging due to other needs. I have my first Doctors appointment next Tuesday. I seem to be on the tail end of an OB. I did speak with a person from a local support group last night and it helped. Ive noticed the worst is about 4 am when I wake up and my mind tears off into WTFs and then cant get back to sleep and then until I get to work. I feel like God and the universe have let me down ( not to mention myself) I don't know what to do. I feel like im going crazy. luckily today is an overnight with my kid so I will have some joy in my life today, tho I am still paranoid about casually transmitting it to him somehow ( I know intellectually It cant really happen, but emotionally its a different story. Thank you for letting me join you guys. I stumbled across you and it helped me this weekend. I will try to sign up for the Hbuddy thing soon. God I feel so down right now. One foot in front of the other, breathe in breathe out...............