domh21
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Posts posted by domh21
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Hey brighteyes, bonafideraity and Judith,
I barely got to see these posts. Hugs to all of you!! I am feeling a bit better. I realize more than just being jealous I'm just not in that "hook up" place anymore. I actually was getting over it before the H hit. I wanted a meaningful connection and I realize that is the bottom line and that is the opportunity in this. I did have my fun before. I can still have fun in other ways, we all can. I feel for my friend because I know she is newly single and hurting and shes craving that attention and affection. I think we've all been there. She recently told me of an incident where the condom came off and she took the morning after pill. I just keep reminding her that there is more to worry about than getting pregnant. Well she's just in that phase she knows best. I can only be an ear. But anyways thanks for hearing me out. HUGS!!
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So I have to confess, I am a bit, ok a lot jealous right now of my girlfriends. I have one friend she is newly single and she emails me or texts me to tell me about her latest flirting or hook ups with guys. The pre-H chick would be all excited and want to know the details. Lately I find myself just rolling my eyes and hurrying the conversation along. I don't want to know details. I get irritated. I have to get it off my chest I'm jealous. She knows I have H and she's been supportive and I've cautioned her you know to slow down, not because I don't want her to have fun but like it's all so fast. I feel so bad because I am so jealous of my single, supposedly "STD" girlfriends. They try to lift me up and tell me I will date again and it will be someone special and blah blah blah. I'm barely 5 months into this H journey and I have not yet disclose to a romantic interest but only to family and friends (which went well). However, I cannot help but feel like a huge hater right now. I feel like my carefree fun is over. I am glad though. H is a huge asshole detector. It is a blessing but I just feel so bad being jealous right now. They get to have carefree fun. But then again who knows if it won't/will end up in H or something else. I truly hope not. I was once where she was. I was single, hurt over my broken heart and dating and dating. While I didn't sleep with a bunch of guys I had my fun. So I know what she's going through. How can I get past this awful jealousy and be the supportive loving friend I was and want to be still? Can any of you relate?
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Learningasigo I couldn't agree more with your above statement. I sometimes still struggle with the guilt/shame but what you have said above is the truth. Take away religion God is God and he is always there. There is purpose for all of us H or not we have purpose. I'm so glad I read this today. Your words really lifted me up!!
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Paradise_Lost I can fully relate to you. Every feeling. When I found out (5 months now) That I had H I was so devastated the first thing I wanted was for the earth to swallow me up. I thought of driving off a cliff or into a pole or something. I was depressed forever. It's been 5 months and now I can't believe how far I've come. I have good and bad days just like I did before. I also did not like myself completely. I made the decision to go to therapy to help me because I couldn't even work I was at work but not working. I'm almost done with a depression/anxiety group. I thought I was going to therapy initially because of H but I haven't onced talked about H. I have talked about my bully of a boss, my issues with my past and my ex, my other hurts and trials in life. I am truly learning to love me and how to cope with all sorts of depression and anxiety. I am becoming a better person for me and I hope now a better person to attract the right person to be in my life. It is not easy. This is something none of us want I'm sure but I know that I can survive. Keep your head up and know you are not alone and feel what you feel that's the only way to heal. I tried for so long not to feel the hurt, void and pain my ex left in me that I never left him go and he became my crutch and ironically became my giver. I am now at a point where I must face these things head on. Feel the pain because now he is completely gone where he should've been. And the beautiful thing is I finally see how much people really have loved me all along and how much love I can give though I am hurting. You too will get there. We are here for you.!! lots of love
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Brighteyes!! I'm so happy that I can relate to you. The first thing I wanted to do when I found out was drive off a cliff. I was in bed for days and cried and cried. It's been 5 months now and I realize it's not close to that. I have heard so many peoples stories of worse things. This is just life. Things happen in life it's how we react. And we are getting an opportunity to truly live and be loving. I'm so glad I found this site. And I needed to read this post today. I've been a bit down the past few days but coming here I always find that urge to keep trucking. Hang in there Haver it does get better we are all here!! Brighteyes and Atlantic thank you for your responses because you helped me as well.
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I don't believe God stopped protecting you. I felt the same shame. But there is such thing as free will. Just because people are praying and going to church and still having sex doesn't make them more or less protected not even people who consider themselves holy are protected from cancer or car accidents or anything like that. My doctor told me when I was freaking out about this to think of it this way, do you drive? well then you might have a car accident do you work? well something awful might happen at work. If we live our lives trying to protect ourselves from all the bad and all the things that could happen we are not truly living. Same with sex, we had sex and H is the sure mark that we did. But it is not a symbol of not being protected. I think religion and the representatives of religions are who pass shame. Yes we make choices. And those choices have consequences but don't beat yourself up. I don't think God ever leaves us, we leave him but he is always there even when we are in hard times. I don't think God stopped protecting you this was just something that happened to you and to all of us. Things happen even to good people. You are amazing and I can only speak for myself but I believe God is always there and this is an opportunity for us to love more and really treat ourselves and others with love and care.
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Katie!! So glad to read your response having a down day today and I feel and relate to u butterfly I get you it's been 5 months for me and I can say the pat two have been the most empowering and happy. Katie your words are so empowering and comforting thank you for reminding me of what I have been feeling before thank you both!!!!
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I'm so glad I read this today having a rough day the guilty pity feelings. But it's true this H thing is no biggy we make it so much worse in our heads life is still pretty amazing. We have good days and bad days but I think H has overall made me a more compassionate and loving person. I'm finally loving and taking care of me. You're all wonderful were all wonderful!!! Glad I stopped in today!! xoxo
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Love this Adrial!! So appreciated!!! Love you much!! I will be definitely using these wonderful gems!!! Awesome
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I am so glad I read this today!! Thanks for sharing!!! I love your attitude and loved reading this you're a great writer. Felt like I was there. I had a similar reaction from "my giver". I hate the run in's I have with him. He still acts like a douche in total denial. But reading this made me feel like I shouldn't be feeling bad I should hold my head up high. I was forthright in telling him that's respectable. So glad you found us and shared this with us. Definitely needed this today.
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thank you!! I can relate to how you feel. It's been only 4 months that i've had this. And I am at my happiest now. i am still single haven't had the dating disclosure yet but I am in therapy and doing everything to love me for once. I feel like I don't even have it. I forget sometimes. It does get better. Thank you so much for sharing
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Brenda Thank you so much. Your posts have helped me get to this place your words mean so much!!
Atlantic I'm sorry you were having a down day. Glad I could uplift it a little. Sending u a hug and know it will get better!! To a better day tomorrow
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Unhappy camper. Welcome!!
I can so relate to what you wrote. I actually went to the doctor two different times before I was diagnosed with H. Both times I was told I was fine and it was an irritation another time it was an ingrown hair. The third time was the charm. I in fact knew something was wrong with my body. I'm happy that what I experienced was and has been mild compared to what I've read of others. I totally understand you.
I believe my giver lied to me and still hasn't gone to get checked and believe he is still and will keep on sleeping with women unprotected.
I commend you on facing this head on. That's what you have done. You have so much courage and are so brave. You are doing what most can't and won't do. You are being honest and caring of others. So you are awesome for that.
Honestly when I started telling friends and family I was terrified. I have yet to report a bad reaction. The only person who rejected me was my giver.
The first few weeks to months are difficult. It will take some time. Do nice things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Rest. Eat healthy. Exercise if you can. Do things to take your mind off of it. Paint your nails get a hair cut. Go to dinner with a friend. Buy yourself some flowers whatever will make you happier.
It takes time it really does. I still struggle as I'm fairly new to this as well. But finding this H Opportunity page helped so much. Stay tuned. There are some amazing people here.
We all understand you!! I think in what you did there is relief. I found relief in disclosing early on because I needed to be myself I couldn't hold in this secret. I needed support. You have made a great break through and you are amazing!! We're all here for you.
Hugs
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Hello everyone!!
I finally did it. I finally went back to a favorite class at the gym. Ever since I received my lovely gift of H my already shaky confidence went way down. I've done so much research I became the type of person who basically walked on egg shells. I guess it's normal being that this is the beginning it's only been four months.
I cried tears of joy last night being able to embrace myself. Instead of the tears of black, cold, suicidal tears I've been shedding.
Prior to this I was social, I was loving life, I was really giving my all to loving myself but I allowed loneliness and horniness lol to get the better of me. At times I wish I had not opened Pandora's box to the past but more so I don't regret anything.
Well I had grown a love of fitness and especially of Zumba and I became certified back in the summer. I taught high school students for free for the program I already worked for. I have yet to teach full classses. I cant even put myself out there. And this was before H. I suppose I didn't know how to go about starting. I think more than anything it was my fear of failure. It still is. I'm like what if I am the worst Zumba instructor ever? There's always something.
Needless to say after I received H I dropped deep into depression. I have always struggled with depression. I can recall my days of needing wanting to climb into a bottle of Jameson and never open my eyes again. I wanted to do something because I didn't want to deal with the pain I felt.
It's taken me these 3-4 months to deal with the hurt and rejection of a relationship I really wanted to work out. This was a relationship with the person I believe is also my giver. I sometimes just wish I had never ever looked back at him when he broke up with me and obliterated my heart, perhaps this wouldn've have happened at all. Who knows?
I also in this added gift became obsessed with eating things that the other sites say may trigger an OB or exercising or anything. I became frozen. I worked, came home, made excuses. Somehow I recently I just said I need to cut this out.
I think in part because Adrial and all of you have shown that life can still go on. So last night I finally did it. I went back to my class and I worked out with faith. The past 3 weeks I have been just working out with faith. I eat with faith even drink with faith. No sign of OB. I have noticed pimples or in grown hairs but nothing really to me that seems like an OB.
A friend told me to do everything with faith. That is all we really can do right? Deal with the OB's and essentially life as it comes. That's all we can do.
Last night I felt so good. I felt like me again. I'm going again tonight. I'm cooking healthy again and really truly taking pleasure in that. I can't stop smiling.
Two weeks ago I had a huge test and it still nags. I was driving home from work and as I turned left the car yielding to me on the other side was my ex, the person I believe to be my giver. I was so happy before I saw him I was singing loudly along to some music and feeling amazing. I saw him and as he pulled up to the right hand side of me I couldn't help but feel scared. He terrifies me. I guess because he knows so much about me, my weaknesses and now this. We haven't seen each other or spoke since November. I felt anger in the pit of my stomach for all the hurt I allowed him to bring to me. For the pain I may have caused him. Just so much.
I had to put him in my rear view quick, I sped up and cut him off. I guess that's the best I could do because in life I cannot make him disappear. I felt dirty, I felt used. I felt like nothing. I didn't look at him I looked forward afraid to see that face. The face he gave which was of disgust as if I was so disgusting. He used to look at me so much differently, and I at him.
It's crazy how you can still love someone who is so bad for you. I swallowed hard and cried the whole way home. I didnt call or text and I do everything I can everyday to finally forget the almost 9 years we were in and out of each other's lives.
How do you go from being 19 to 29 with someone and then instantly acting like you don't know them. It kills. And I ask you all to pray for me or keep me in thoughts send me good vibes whatever to help me get over this freckled past and this biggest challenge which is him. Most of all I just want to forgive and I truly want the best for him. I want him to be a better person. I want peace.
These past 4 months have killed and built me up in a way I never would've thought. This has forced me to face my fears, my insecurities, everything I've been avoiding and trying to numb. All the things he said about me are not true. All the lies I have fed myself are not true. Even now, the misconception of H is totally not true. These falsehoods are just that falsehoods.
I have started therapy and that in itself has been a challenge. Finally facing how much I have wanted to be loved and need to do for myself has been so healing.
Last night as I danced and lifted weights, I smiled. I reveled in the feeling and the moment. I felt victorious I conquered my fear. I'm facing them one at a time. I think the next big one is disclosing to a romantic interest, haven't yet had that pleasure but I'm sure I will.
The most amazing thing is that I'm not making excuses anymore about grad school about pursuing fitness about letting go about truly discovering me and loving me and making myself a better person, a person that can have compassion and truly move on in peace.
There are two things I truly want to leave you all with today and that is thank you Adrial for starting this and thank you all of you for being here and being you; you don't know how much you have helped all of us. And secondly don't give up/have faith!!! Don't let anything especially H make you give up faith. This is just one part of who we are it is not our entity, it does not define us, it can if we let it, strengthen us. You too can be victorious.Much love!!
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Thanks Adrial!! Appreciate the response. I know you get me totally even if you don't have the lady parts : )
thanks for the constant love. sending you love right back!! Even though I haven't met you I always feel your constant hugs and your energy!! It's amazing!!
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So it's been awhile since I've shaved my legs and nether regions. One it's been cold and two I've been a but paranoid. I have shaved my legs but have steered clear from my lady parts. Well today with the Cali weather warming up again I went on a grooming spree. I checked myself out pretty good all seemed ok so I went to town. I did get a slight nick down there even though I was trying to be careful. Should I be concerned that I'm going to have an episode now? Does anyone have any suggestions in this area?
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sassy couldn't agree more with you!!
I found much more relief in telling the people I'm close to. I haven't been rejected yet with the exception of the giver. But that was a door that needed closing years ago. Good riddance : ) My friends confided in me their std's they've had or scares or that they know someone or more with it. We are definitely not herpes! We are so much more than that!
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So you know how you test the waters, perhaps at the beach, lake or even a pool? You dip your toes in to test the temperature. Well that is what I have been doing since October. Since that fateful day I lay splayed open with a doctor between my legs telling me about my H bomb. I sincerely thought I'd turn into a hermit. Some days that's all I want to do especially with this cold weather. But life wouldn't just be life if I didn't dip my toes in the water.
I have always been a "social butterfly" with a packed calendar and many friends. I love dancing. I love laughing. I thought that was all over. Sometimes I still feel that way. When I shared with friend the same week I found out I had confirmed that I had H. I actually had been avoiding her texts for days. I was in my room, in the dark laying in bed. I called out of work for two days. I contemplated quitting work altogether. That week I imagined different. It was her birthday we were supposed to head out to San Diego and party and dance and we were taking my new car! I was so jazzed. Then this happened and everything sucked. I didn't want to wake up.
This friend just like many of my friends text back, it's ok. You're still you!! I still love you!! and I couldn't believe it. She said she would understand if I didn't go but that it would be good for me to go. I decided I would go. I had a lot of up and down moments on the way and during. I forced myself to curl my hair, dress up, put on heels. And I drank, probably not the best thing but I drank a little I danced. I danced with guys. I had so many guys asking me to dance.
It was surreal. I came home I broke down. If you knew me 3 months ago you knew my weekends consisted of fun. You could always find me out with my girlfriends out on the dancefloor. Since it's toned down a lot.
This was me dipping my first toe in the water, testing to see if it was safe. And I have continued testing the waters.
My life is semi back in full swing socially. I didn't want to celebrate my 29th birthday. I wanted to just charge through Christmas onto the new year without parties or anything but fortunately my mind changed. I celebrated. I dressed up. I was out and I was spoiled. Turns out the water is not so bad.
I have calmed down in checking my body for anything. The first two month and half I think the mirror was strapped to my hand. I couldn't work, I couldn't go out. I just wasn't living. I actually didn't want to live. But now I see that I can do this, it's tough some days but I just try to breathe and live and I put my toes in one at a time to feel the water before going in. Tonight I'm doing it again. I've been avoiding a guy friend ever since this happened.
He texts me and I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. We have always been quite flirty. But now he is single. Now we are going to dinner to catch up. I told my coworker what do I do? Do I cancel like always? Do I keep avoiding him? And no. No is the answer. I have to face life. I don't necessarily have to disclose to him. If it gets to dating then yes I will eventually have to go there. But tonight I'm still me. I can still laugh I can still enjoy his company. And when and if the time comes I will put my toes in one at a time, feel the water. It might be too cold or it will be just right. Either way I'm living.
Some days are really hard with H. Some days are amazing. I've learned to care for myself and for people in a way I never thought I could. I'd like to think that it's getting better. No I believe it will be better.
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Hey Sassy, sorry to hear about your girlfriends. I was terrified to tell my girlfriends anyone. And I am so happy that I got lucky and no one has looked at me different. The only guy besides my giver I told was my cousin and he was amazingly compassionate. I have yet to disclose to a guy friend. I hope I get lucky like you that they are good to me. Just know that it's not you. It is them and their ignorance. Sadly they probably don't know anything about it besides the negative stigma which is perpetuated. You are amazing and brave and I get all that from your clever screen name. Welcome!!
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Thank you sugarplumfairy. Glad to know you and that you can relate. :-*
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You know if it weren't for Adrial and this site I wouldn't have peace of mind or be able to function.
The medical community needs more training in H sensitivity and just good information about H in general.
I admit I email my doctor frequently and he's probably annoyed with me. But it's only been 3 months since I got told I have H. I am going to have questions you know.
It sucks when they make you feel like your just being paranoid and crazy. The response you get after being told about herpes is here's a brochure and a prescription and that's it. While yes Herpes is not a "serious medical condition" to doctors it is serious to the person on the receiving end.
I even had my doctor tell me to google stuff. I was like don't you think I've been there done that why do you think I'm paranoid??
The truth is no one's herpes experience is the same. We are all different. So I might be reading something that sounds out of a horror film and that's one person's experience not mine. Or I come here and find someone who totally understands me.
If it weren't for this wonderful opportunity here in cyberspace I could not function in life anymore. Can anyone else relate?
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Hello Diversity and Leilani
Thanks for your responses Happy to have shared this. I am liking your posts diversity and Leilani how are things with you?
You know this same friend told me the other day she would go out and get H too so we could have it together. She said she loves me so much she'd go lez for me lol she's tooo much lol but all we could do was laugh. She said you know I love you and I'm never going to leave you. That my friends is proof enough God puts amazing people in our lives. We are never alone event though society tries to make it that way.
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Hi everyone hope you're all doing well.
I have a general question. Does anyone else have another skin condition in addition to H? I have sebbhoric dermatitis and right now it's really annoying me. Basically it's an overgrowth of skin and it bugs. I have it on my scalp mostly (a tad worse than dandruff) and I have dry patches on my face and it itches and bugs. That was one thing I was already dealing with before herpes. When I received my lovely gift that condition ironically calmed down but it seems to have flared up again. I was starting to feel a bit bummed about it. My family and friends say they can't see it but I see it. It makes me feel gross sometimes. But I told myself I have to shake it off, ok so I have two annoying skin conditions so what? I'm still awesome!! lol
But my question to anyone who may have this or something similar to this, is there added risk to spreading herpes to the other skin areas? Or am I just being paranoid? Can anyone relate to this?
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You are bigger than what you were saved from. You were saved for. Saved for a purpose. You are bigger than where you came from.-Obed Martinez
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Herpes jabs not so funny
in General herpes discussion
Posted
So I know we have all posted something about those pesky Herpes jokes and the insensitivity and ignorance they convey. Well I've survived all the puns from favorite movies and tv shows until last night. I love the show Two Broke Girls and last night the show's whole episode was devoted to one of the girls thinking she had herpes. Now today I kinda looked back and kinda laughed because I remember being the way Caroline was when I was diagnosed. I also showed pics of my va jay jay to my best friend lol It was crazy. We made our jokes. Until my fears where confirmed. And now I do have H. I cried the entire time watching this show. My mom was trying to calm me down she said don't take it so bad. You know it's a show and maybe they are trying to bring awareness about it, they even said it there 1 in 6 people have herpes." I just shook my head. I know my mom was trying to get me not to feel bad in her own way and she has been there but it just wasn't funny. I went to bed crying. I think more cuz I thought of the person I believe gave me H. Maybe he is unaware and uneducated. Maybe he is fully aware and in denial (i truly think this is it). Either way he discarded me like a used condom. And the jokes and the whole episode on tv last night just brought those feelings back up.
I woke up today felt much better after I cried. And it's a new day. It always helps to come here and read what people are posting and get support. I know I am not alone. I've come so far from the day I was diagnosed and just wanted to die. I have made it 7 months now and I'm still her. Still alive and kicking and enjoying life. There are people who want me and love me. I guess I just wish I could shout it from the rooftops and be open about H. I wish Hollywood...the world at large would just see this virus for what it is a skin condition and be more loving and compassionate. Last night was just not so funny.