threelittlebirds

and can I just say, THANK YOU for all the feedback, advice, support, and encouragement from everyone on here... I feel very self-centered as of right now in the (h)opp world because my posts are always me me me help me. I hope my experience with this helps others, and eventually i can feel confident enough to show some other posts the same love i received here. My deepest gratitude to all of you.

hahaha... MEN ;) (or should I say males? I happen to think MEN don't act like children.. hehe) thank you dancer, you never disappoint. That is what I've been struggling with here, the ability to take control of a situation that I feel is at this point out of my hands. I HATE giving what feels like ultimatums but I also hate feeling toyed with. This was my EXACT problem in my last relationship (where H wasn't really a part of it because he disclosed when it was already too late)... I allowed so much bs and never *really* took a stand for myself (until I FINALLY broke up with him). I vowed I would never allow that again but, for some reason I didn't realize how difficult it would be! I guess because I thought it would be a different guy, it would be different the next time around but, damnit if old habits dont die hard. So now I have to build up my nerve and remember my strength (and worth!). It feels so weird to say this out in the open but I feel like I must have gotten herpes for a reason. It is really the opportunity I needed (wish it could have been something else but, hey it could be way worse!) to learn how to grow personally and start getting what I want AND need out of a relationship. I wish the right guy would just fall into my lap... and he might but, now my eyes will be open to who that really is because the reality is we are going to kiss alot of frogs before we find our prince. SO... I'm journaling (literally handwriting my thoughts out on what I need to get across to him) and I guess I'm gonna give him a call. I'd prefer a face-to-face but last time I requested that I was left hanging. I'm feeling super nervous.

Well, I'm back with an update. Thanks for the words of encouragement and support, ladies. So, long story short I ran into him on Halloween after not hearing back from him... gasp, cringe, shudder. I called him out about not texting me back and he said he needed more time and he really was still thinking. next night he texted and asked if i was mad and i told him i was confused and he said he was too and that he missed me and we'd get together soon to talk. so last night he asked me to come over. i did, and he proceeded to act like everything was normal... so i said "soooo you've been thinking" and he said that he was and that he was a germophobe/ocd (as i already knew) but that he liked me and he didn't want to say "no" before he really knew what he was saying no to. i told him i appreciated that and then the subject changed and the night went on like normal, i slept over and left in the morning and have yet to hear from him. i feel like i missed my opportunity to say "well what questions do you have, maybe i can answer some" or somehow guide his research or something. Now, instead of being able to go through the mourning/moving on process, im right back where i was a few days ago. SO confused. was he just "appeasing" me by hanging out with me? will i not hear from him for another week? should i text/call him? ugh this freakin sucks. Although I really like the fact that he doesn't want to flat out reject me because of H, It's not very reassuring to me to see how he's going about this whole thing. WHAT NOW???

Thanks for clarifying! Man this gets confusing lol

I don't know that at this point, that I'd even want to hear from him ever again. It really bothers me that he handled the situation this way. Maybe I'm being harsh though. Maybe selfish? Thanks for reminding me that I did the right thing in disclosing. I have to remember to feel good about that.

Hi FLNewH, this is what I know about antibodies... the body (white blood cells- part of the immune system) sends out antibodies as a defense against intruders like bacteria or viruses. If the level of antibodies are high it would indicate that the virus is active, and could mean it is newer because your body hasn't got used to the virus in your system and created B cells to help attack it. I would need clarification though, does the antibody screen show B cells? B cells are produced over time, and respond faster.. think of them as "memory cells" and explain why the first OB are usually worse and as time goes by, they become fewer, more far between, and less intense. ihaveittoo is right though, there are normal ranges that we expect but every body is different and what is normal for you may not be the next person's normal. I think my information is general, and i've applied it to herpes.. maybe someone has more understanding of the specifics?

No worries, Dancer, I appreciate the effort and commitment you show to responding to all of us who post :) Update.. I texted him yesterday saying I needed communication could we meet up, maybe I could answer questions if you had any, blah blah blah... and NO RESPONSE. I half expected that. At least I have my answer but, I feel no sense of closure. Was it the way I presented the disclosure? Did it force him to examine his true intentions? Is H just a deal-breaker for him? Was I too pushy during his processing? Did I present the disclosure too soon? He'll never give me the answer. But I have to be ok with the fact that it could have been any one or combination of those things (and/or something non-H). I'm sad and disappointed but, ultimately OK and handling it a little better than I thought. Still trying to process it in a healthy way though.

Oh ok yes that does help, thank you!

I'm interested in purchasing this guide. I only hesitate because I wonder if the packaging is discrete? I live with people who don't know that I am living with herpes and I want to keep it that way. Thanks!

Ok never mind, I couldn't sit with the uncertainty any longer. I have to be authentic with my feelings and I felt as if I needed to say something today. I am so nervous waiting to hear what he'll say... if anything. I hope to update this post with some good news. Thanks for stickin with me on this one..

Thank you dancer.. It helps to hear that I am still part of his process. I know I'm getting really specific here but when you say a week... A week from disclosure or a week from when I sent him the information? I'm trying not to be impatient and jump the gun on anything. I was thinking a week in my own mind so it's nice to hear I'm being normal in my thought process. I want to contact him today (1 week+1day from D day) but I'm so nervous... I really like this guy :/ but I'm also really anxious to know what's going on in his mind. And you're right, I do miss him :(

That took a little more thinking outside the box than I initially expected. Makes a lot more sense now. Thank you!

Ahh ok.. That does make sense, considering the things I have read about the virus. Thanks!

Just curious... I've tried to find the answer to this online but can't seem to get a clear answer... Is hsv1 transmitted ONLY through skin to skin contact? I know hsv2 is this way but I wasn't sure about hsv1. I've often heard of people getting it because they "shared utensils" and such...

I guess this last point I had the question on isn't really H-specific.. Still open to people's thoughts if there are any

@jjallabouth it saddens me to hear that you feel as if you've lost what makes you shine. I can understand those feelings because I experienced that strongly in the first stages of my post-breakup post-diagnosis world. What initially helped was reading success stories to help me realize that out of many possible ways in which our lives play out (with herpes as a factor) we CAN have what we want and deserve. Ok, so it is possible, but, now how do I navigate the road and deal with the specific difficulties i am going to have to face? the big one here, and it seems like this is what is troubling your heart as it has been mine, is rejection. the links that dancer posted were helpful. I recommend them. keep reading and listening and learning and growing. These are things that herpes has given us the OPPORTUNITY to do for ourselves. As Adrial quoted in the podcast linked above, "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek". Don't give up, don't lose heart! Know that I am sending love and positive vibes your way :) @WCSDancer2010 thank you for the links to the information. I found the forum story of disclosure/rejection especially enlightening and I really enjoyed the podcast. The podcast actually addressed something that has been bothering me about my specific experience in this disclosure. At the end, one of the ladies mentioned something about being able to have an adult conversation about noticing the person distancing themselves from you. That is exactly what I have noticed from my guy. My struggle, however, is that I promised him his "time and space". I feel that to bring something like this up (and i'd prefer a telephone conversation to a text message) I would be in breach of my "promise". Does anyone have thoughts or advice on this?

@WCSDancer2010 thank you! I sent him the disclosure handout link so we'll see where that goes I guess. I asked if he'd be interested in it if i sent it and he said yea you can send it... whether he'll check it out or take it in to consideration i don't know but it makes me feel better that i did my due diligence. It is nice to hear that it may take longer than a few days for a response. It irritates me to have to put myself in the position of letting him decide from this point whether we move forward. I know that if it wasn't H, he might have walked away for other reasons but the fact is, his behavior changed as a direct result of my disclosure. I also know that at anytime i can make the decision to end it but I want to see where he takes it. Its a humbling experience. @Miji69 thanks for sharing! I'm so glad my story resonated with you and you were able to relate. As scary as it was, it got to a point where the secret was really bothering me and i felt like it was holding us back. Even though disclosing may make him decide to leave, I feel relief that now we can either move forward or I can stop "wasting time" and open myself up to other possibilities. Good luck to you! I'm crossing my fingers for both of us!

Those were some of the first questions I asked the OB/GYN when I got my official dx. For now, I choose not to worry about those things because of the positive things I've read and because it is a situation (hopefully) in my distant future. I made reference to all that stuff because in my mind, marriage and children are potential products of a serious relationship. The reference to such things ties into herpes being my "wing woman" and in this situation, a way to see someone walking away as an opportunity for "the one" to find his way in.

Thank you seeker! I get alot of advice from my girlfriends (all general, because they don't know I have H so we don't get too specific) but it is realllly helpful to get a man's perspective. I am preparing for the worst but maintaining a sense of cautious optimism. I agree with the texting thing. It seemed the best way to keep my distance but I hope that when he is ready, we can ditch the phones all together and have a face to face discussion, whatever his decision is. Your comment has helped renew my resolve to respect his process and give him what I promised, space and time. Thanks again :)

Hi all... This is my first post. I was diagnosed a little over a year ago when I got my first OB. My ex who I had been with for 6 years gave it to me and his disclosure came as I was realizing what the hell these sores were on my crotch. Because of that experience, I am determined to do the right thing and disclose to every sexual partner before becoming intimate. I've always wanted kids and a family, and importantly, a man who stands by me and loves me as much as I know that I am capable of loving another person. I think this whole herpes deal is actually kind of showing me how to get down to business and I'm learning that it may be my best "wing woman" as I've seen some people describe.... Which brings me to my current story/question I've recently been dating this guy for about two months. We started off fairly slow. He was a gentleman taking me on dates and asking how my day was and telling me he really wanted me to "open up" so he could "get to know me better". I started spending the night at his house a few times a week and every now and then he would try to make the moves but when I said we needed to wait he respected my request. He shared that he really liked me and that he wasn't interested in trying to talk to other girls. He was telling me he was a one-woman kind of man. And he shared his dreams of one day having a family. I began to feel closer to him and more comfortable with him. Finally, I came to the point where the steamy make-out/ dry hump sessions just weren't cutting it anymore. I felt compelled to have "the talk" because I felt ready for this relationship to move forward. So I sat him down, muted the tv, and began... shakily, slowly. Finally, I got it all out and there it was. This big secret I had was now out in the light- and I was out of the closet. He responded calmly, saying "it's not like that big of a deal, right?" and "my ex had [hsv1] which is like the same thing right just on your mouth?" I answered his questions the best I could and tried to convey the facts. He seemed normal, saying that he would do his research and then we moved on to general conversation. I left soon after and he walked me out to my car per usual. He said he would text me, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him to say. A day goes by and...radio silence. I usually hear from him at least once a day. Just a check in or "have a good day" type of thing. But now, nothing. I couldn't take suspense any longer and, feeling like I already knew his decision I texted him. He responded saying "sorry, i just been thinking things over, its taking me a while to process everything cause I really like you but its not easy". This gave me hope, and I said "I completely understand. I appreciate that you're taking the time to consider everything. I'll give you the space and time you need". end of convo. As of today, I've given him a little over two days of "space and time" and I haven't heard anything. I feel like I left things a little too open ended. I'm wondering, how long is a typical wait for someone to decide they want to move forward with you regardless of your status, or to at least get to know you more and see if they want to move forward? Because I'm on the receiving end, the wait feels like an eternity and patience is a virtue. But I also know that at some point, he should be able to make a decision about this because I am well aware of my worth, and my potential as a partner in a loving relationship regardless of the fact that i have herpes. If he isn't sure or isn't willing to walk through this with me, I know I can find someone who will. Anyways, I'm trying to remember to stay calm, and respect that this is a big commitment for the guy. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice as to how to proceed with him? For you H veterans, does this look like rejection or do I need to practice more patience and continue to hope for the best?