BadJuju

I'm not sure how common this is, but has anyone else, upon being diagnosed, had their physician act really nonchalant/dismissive about it? The first time I saw a physician (not my normal guy) he couldn't confirm a diagnosis since I hadn't begun to show symptoms yet. I did tell him my sexual history and he said I likely had it. He prescribed some anti-virals and said, and I quote, "take these twice a day for the next five days and you should be fine. Just make sure you wear a condom if you're sexually active during this time." Eventually, symptoms did appear and I made a second trip to see my regular doc. He told he didn't think I had it genitally, just orally, but I insisted on a swab just in case since it looked slightly irritated down there. I asked him, assuming I had it, how I should compose myself for future sexual relationships. He just said to make sure I wear a condom. I asked him if spreading it was a risk regardless. He said, "that's more a problem for the ladies" since my site of infection would be totally covered comparatively. I knew all of this was wrong, of course, but I couldn't believe that two doctors in a row treated it with such indifference, and had I not researched myself, I would've trusted them and just carried on blissfully unaware with a new box of condoms. (Have hsv-1 genitally and orally btw). Anyone else have similar experiences?

@fitgirl I don't have any issue with promoting integrity, I think it's a fine quality to have. I'm just saying phrases like "man up" are outdated. It's a gender-specific phrase used to coerce one into agreeing with you by putting into question one's masculinity and playing on the insecurities associated with it. That was more a side thing and not a comment on the entirety of your post(s). Sorry you took it that way. But since you brought it up, if anything you're being unrealistic. Morality is not a static concept and it differs between individuals. While there may be some universal maxims that the majority of the population follows there will always be outliers. I was just giving him the facts on the legal consequences in case the moral ones weren't as important to him.

@fitgirl I agree that disclosure is probably the right way to go about things but I also see @Koolkat point. You shouldn't assume someone has the same moral threshold as you. Here are just the facts: herpes isn't terminal and it's technically not illegal to omit, though you may still be at risk for a civil suit. You could theoretically be taken to court for negligence or personal injury and if you lose, pay quite a lot in damages. I do, however, think this scenario is very rare as the effort, time, money, and loss of privacy involved in making a case that isn't a guaranteed success deters most people. Ultimately @Koolkat it's up to your conscious and a slight chance of litigation. I think it's wrong for you not to disclose and I don't recommend it. At the same time I recognize it's your life and there's little in terms of palpable consequences, especially if you're not an empathetic person. Also @fitgirl, "man up"? Come on now, I thought people were trying to get over sexist shit like that these days.

I haven't had to disclose yet so I may not be the best resource, but as a guy I can tell you how I'd prefer someone disclosing to me. First off I think you should remain calm. If you start falling into hysterics as you confess it may just serve to freak him out. At the same time, however, don't act too nonchalant about it. You want him to know his sexual health is important to you. Just start off saying something like: "I really like you, and I'd like this relationship to go further, but there are a few things we should talk about first. Sexual health is important to me and I think we should discuss it." Depending on his gut reaction it may be easy or extremely difficult not to get upset. I'd still try to remain calm even if he reacts poorly, and explain to him the various statistics and how it can be easily controlled through safer sex. Maybe show him the "herpes facts" video on this site. If you remain calm, engaged, and educated I believe he'll have more confidence in you knowing what you're talking about and thus more willing to trust you and give things a shot. After that maybe suggest going on a walk or a drive or something so he can process things and you have more time to offer input if he has any questions. If he'd prefer having some space, let him have it, and if it doesn't work out you'll just have realize he wasn't the right dude and get back out there.

@Sil88. Thanks for reading it through, didn't expect to write that much ha. At this point the girl has retracted her accusation and is almost completely sure she gave it to me. You're right though, it doesn't really matter. At this point we still hang out occasionally but she's giving me mixed signals on the sexual side of things, so I'm not entirely sure what she wants. Me, personally, as shallow as it is, I kind of want to pursue a further sexual relationship with her just because she's the only person I know for sure who has it; just for the sake of still having a sex life while I get used to the whole idea of disclosing, tracking my symptoms, etc. I do like her as a person, but I'm not sure if we click enough for a serious relationship. Plus we live in different cities, about an hour apart. Do you/did you talk to the person whom you contracted it from, assuming you know it was them? I've found it hard not to, as it means not having anyone in person who understands.

A few days before Christmas of last year, after a few month break period, my girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me. It was mostly mutual, thought admittedly I was less ready to let go and had a hard time adjusting. After sulking for a couple weeks I decided I needed to reinvigorate my life with a few lifestyle changes. I decided to pick up an instrument, start going to the gym with a buddy of mine, and just overall experiencing new things. I felt pretty good at this point. A girl I knew when I was very young (our mothers were good friends at one point) and briefly again in high school posted a request on facebook for volunteers regarding a documentary she was working on. The documentary focused on "first experiences" and was to be filmed interview style mixed with stop-motion animation. I thought this sounded cool and it appealed to my goal of experiencing new things. I was hesitant to respond because I hadn't spoken to her in years and at first I didn't. Eventually I decided "fuck it" and told her I'd be willing to participate. She responded a few days later and we arranged to meet at her place the following sunday. That sunday I made the hour trip to my hometown, bought coffee for the two of us, and arrived at her home. She answered the door and I immediately noted how she'd really grown into herself since high school. She looked great. We chatted ostensibly about our current situations, our parents, and my nervousness regarding the interview. The first half went well enough but my anxiety was notable. We decided to take a break and we ended buying a bottle of Jack Daniel's. We had ourselves a few drinks and finished up the interview, me being far more expressive and entertaining with a little booze in my blood. At this point I could tell I was making an impression her. I'm going to fast forward a bit because I'd rather not bore you with a novel and I have class soon. To sum it up: her friends came over, we drank some more, went to a party, had a blast, and returned to her place. She said I was welcome to sleep in her bed and I readily obliged. We made out for a good while but didn't do anything else. A couple weeks later I decided to make the trip again to meet some friends at a bar. This time I got way too drunk and thought it'd be a bade idea to drive home. I also, heavily intoxicated, thought it would be the perfect opportunity to resume the romance from a few weeks ago. The documentary girl, we'll just call her Mary, lived only a few blocks away. I called her up at around 2 in the morning and surprisingly she picked up and said it was ok. I managed to make it to her house despite my impairment and immediately jolted for her bedroom. We started making out within seconds and at first it was very hot and passionate, which led to an exchange of oral. Eventually we attempted sex with a condom. Embarrassingly I had a bad case of the ol' whiskey dick and couldn't keep it up. In my drunken stupor I decided the condom was the root cause of this sexual deficiency and asked if I could do away with it. She hesitantly agreed... But to no avail, I just couldn't maintain an erection (though plenty of contact was made in the attempt). We called it quits and I fell asleep with whiskey in my belly and shame on my mind. The morning after was expectantly uncomfortable, but eventually we discussed it and, for the most part, alleviated the awkwardness. During that same conversation the subject of STDs was brought up due to the partially unprotected nature of our encounter. She'd been tested the month before and was clean, I two months before with the same results. Relieved, I went back home thinking I'd incurred nothing but a little loss of pride... I was very wrong. About a week later she texts me saying she thinks I gave her genital herpes and should get tested. Of course I freaked out a little and denied her accusation. I'd only been with two people sexually prior to her and they were both longterm relationships where nobody had displayed symptoms. I asked a million questions. She explained the virus could've remained dormant for some time... I still didn't buy it completely, but conceded it was possible. During the aforementioned STD talk I asked if she'd had any partners between her test and now. She admitted that four days prior she'd experimented with her female best friend, the whole works. At the time I just raised an eyebrow and poked fun at her a bit, thinking "well they couldn't have had (penetrative) sex, nothing to worry about." Well as it turns out, her friend is quite prone to coldsores... And oral pleasantries had been exchanged. Again, this was four days before my excursion. Mary started showing symptoms the following monday and got the confirmed diagnosis wednesday for HSV-1. After doing some homework, I thought the pathology was clear. Yet, at this point asymptomatic, I couldn't completely dismiss myself. I made a doctor's appointment for the very next day. The doctor (not my usual doc) was completely unhelpful and disinterested. He prescribed me some anti-virals and said use a condom if I have sex during the next five days. Wtf? Wasn't this lifelong? Wasn't this serious? He remained unconcerned. Without symptoms he couldn't confirm a diagnosis. I did however have a fever, was extremely achey, and had no appetite. A few days later however, blisters began forming on my face near my chin. I'd never had a cold sore before. My penis seemed fine, minus very minor irritation around the urethra. I made a doctor's another appointment to see my regular guy. He was far more helpful but still treated it as a minor issue. I implored him to swab my penis, which was looking slightly more irritated by this point, and he agreed though told me by the looks of things I probably had nothing to worry about. Well, a couple days later I received the call I'd been simultaneously dreading and desiring all week. The man on the phone explained... "Well, at first it looked like it was negative... (Oh fuck).... But by the second day it was confirmed positive for HSV-1. Just take the medicine as prescribed, ok?" I was crushed... My only relief being that I hadn't had it before and didn't have to make some terrible phone calls. I couldn't believe how atrocious my timing was. If it'd been a week earlier, I'd have been fine. A few days later and she'd have had her initial outbreak and have warned me. We had sex in the perfect pocket of time for nobody to be aware. Add that to this being my first sort of "fling" and the comparable promiscuity of my STD-free friends and I felt totally cheated. I know that's an egocentric mindset to have, but still I can't help but linger on how unlucky I was. Between being actually sick and the resulting depression that followed my diagnosis, I've missed two weeks of class (though I did manage a doctor's note for most of this time). I've stopped working out... Mostly stopped going out. I've read many posts here, and they've helped me put some things into perspective, but it's so hard to get over that "my sex life is over. I'm newly single and in the prime of my youth (21) and my sex life is kaput" mindset. I have it both orally and genitally. Another horrible thought is that, through masturbation (I occasionally use my own spit if I'm feeling lazy), I infected myself through autoinoculation. Sorry for the enormous length of my post, just wanted to get it all out. Tl;dr version: Contracted HSV-1 genitally and orally from someone that'd contracted only a few days before from a cold sore but had not yet started showing symptoms. My first "fling" and seemingly my last. Horrible timing.

Thank you, I appreciate all the feedback and the links and I'll be sure to read them after class today. I knew women were more likely to contract H but I didn't realize the discrepancy was that great. I'd really like to meet more people with H in my community but unfortunately, living in Nebraska (though the second largest city) I doubt anyone on this site lives in the state and unfortunately we're one of the few without any advertised support groups whatsoever. Perhaps I should make a new thread about this, but do a lot of you know others with H personally? How did you meet/ find out?

Ever since my diagnosis roughly two weeks ago I've scoured various resources for information and, more importantly at this stage in the healing process, inspiration. My greatest anxieties at this point lie in regards to disclosure and the increased uncertainty of my love life in lieu of H's newly acquainted role in my existence. I am a 21-year-old male who has spent the majority of his teenage/young adult life in monogamous relationships. My first fling after splitting up with my girlfriend of three years resulted in both an oral and genital infection of HSV-1. The two people I know personally who have H are women, including the person whom transmitted it to me. I've read many success stories on this forum and similar websites, but I've noticed a somewhat disheartening trend. 99% of the success stories I've read have been posted by women. This isn't to say that they aren't inspiring; I cherish the hope and abatement of loneliness such successes have vicariously allowed me. I suppose my concern is that men aren't quite so lucky in finding supportive H-free partners, perhaps as a result of the modern social constructs of dating? That women, evolutionarily speaking, have a greater proclivity towards choosiness in mates and thus more readily disregard those carrying liabilities? I'm hoping this one is the case: are men simply less likely to share? Please don't construe these theories as sexist in their underpinnings, and if I've caused offense, please consider it a stumble of ignorance rather than a malicious jab. I guess the point of this rambling narrative is this: Gentleman, what are your experiences regarding disclosure? Ladies, do you know any men with H in successful, healthy relationships? Would you have dated someone with H prior to your own diagnosis, if you were H free?

Hello! First post on the site! Was recently diagnosed with HSV-1 orally and genitally (about a week and a half ago). I'm 21 years old and live in Lincoln, Nebraska though I also spend a lot of time in Omaha (hometown). I know it's a long shot but if anyone lives around here, or Western Iowa, I'd more than happy to meet up at some point for coffee or whatever. Unfortunately, the only person I know who also has H is the person that gave it to me, which is fine, there are no hard feelings, but she had also just been diagnosed the week prior to me. Needless to say, we're both feeling rather naive. I'd really appreciate some more experienced guidance on the matter. I'm more than willing to speak with anyone regardless of age, sex, or location. Everyone here seems incredibly kind and I look forward to being a part of this community and hopefully discovering an H buddy. Thank you!