cbk_always_honest

This is an excellent thread Carlos. We can all use a bit of inspiration now and again. Thank you very much! :) CBK

I actually didn't disclose this time, but I do have at least one take away from the experience. The preparation I went through made a big difference. Now I have a template for preparation to use in the future. That will make it easier when the time comes, and until then I'm going to take the advice of some of the folks here and talk with close friends about this. That should make it easier too. Thanks for the encouragement though, it's always welcome. :) CBK

Hmm, what do I wish she would have said. Hell, anything would have been better than practically nothing. She came into the exam room told me the test came back positive for both. Her expression was something I do not have the words to describe. At that the appointment was done and she left the room. Even though I prepared myself for it I was a bit stunned. I would have liked to receive information on the virus, antiviral meds, support groups, anything really. I understand the level of ignorance surrounding this condition, and even with that a good beside manner (so to speak) would have gone a long way. It's about being able to relate to someone on a human level. They've just been told they have something that won't go away and has a terrible stigma attached to it. A good start would be access to the right information directly from a healthcare provider.

Welcome to the forum Alex. The handbook Kristin linked to above is an excellent source of information that I have used in the past, and they do update it as new information becomes available and accepted. Has a doctor seen the sore on your thumb? Sometimes infections in cuts can look like many things they are not. My point is have a doctor examine it for a diagnosis. It's impossible to say from behind a keyboard what it might or might not be. I am sorry that this has happened and I wish you and your partner strength and comfort. :) CBK

Thank you for the words of encouragement Lelani, support like that always helps. We went on the second date and had a good time, but I just didn't feel a connection with her. I did not end up disclosing, even though we have many similarities in personality and traits I just couldn't find the connection I was looking for. She had let me know that she had a better time expressing herself through writing (something I can understand) and so I decided to send her an email afterwards. I let her know that she was a great woman and that she would definitely find someone, but that my instinct was that there was no connection between us. Even though I didn't have to disclose I feel more prepared now than I have before. I do now understand H as an opportunity to be more aware of the relationships I pursue. With this I will be more in tune with my instincts and more aware of the signals being received that let me know if it is a good relationship.

I would add more to what Carlos has to say, but I'm not sure there's much more that could be said (well done). Something that has been helpful to me is getting back into all the things I enjoy maybe going further into them. For example if there's an activity you like find a local group that organizes events around that activity. It helps to remember that there is more to you than a skin condition. Welcome to the forum. :) CBK

As I posted in the "your story" section I have both types orally, but even before confirming type 2 I always discussed this condition with potential girlfriends. Most of the time things went well, but there have been a few rejections. Rejection is always hard to take, but putting it in perspective helps a great deal. They aren't rejecting me as a person, but the condition. Anyways, I have recently started with dating again with the help of a non-H dating site. I've been having fun for the most part. The set up of online dating allows me to get to know something about them before meeting them (yes, I know people can and do say all kinds of things from the safety of a keyboard.), and upon meeting I get to tie all the previous information into the woman sitting before me. Until very recently I had only met two women, and decided after one meeting that they weren't for me. However there is another one. We met for coffee, and what I expected would be a short encounter turned into us walking around an outdoor mall and talking for over two hours. Needless to say I am interested or I would not have spent that much time talking with her. She's great, smart, funny, and being beautiful doesn't hurt either. The conversation was easy. Yes there were pauses, but pauses in conversation are natural and I'm not afraid of silence. At the end of the date I asked if she would like to see me again and she said yes. So now we have a second date, which I know is often times when the first kiss occurs. That leaves me with the need to prepare for the disclosure talk. I've downloaded and read the book which was a big help, because I realized I was using the wrong words. What I've ended up doing to prepare is to write down my thoughts on this disclosure and how I want to bring it up, then I changed the words to ones which have a less negative connotation. Even though I'm feeling pretty confident it's still not easy and I'm so nervous. It is a talk I wish could come later, but with mine being oral I can't hold it off too long. Also, because it's still early this will have to be a disclosure in a public location (any tips on a public location would be appreciated), which makes this a little more nerve racking for me. We've already discussed how important honesty is to both of us which made me feel good. I'm hopeful that my honesty will be met with understanding and acceptance. I do want to say thank you to everyone who contributes to this forum, it has been great to read through the discussions.

I'm new here and just found this forum the other day. I must say this appears to be a great community and with the most positive outlook of the ones I've encountered so far. Being positive makes such a difference in how we view ourselves and our situations that to join a community where negativity is the order of the day will only lead to more negative thoughts. My story... I have lived my entire life with cold sores, and have known exactly what they are since I was 8 years old (too damn smart for my own good I guess, with the help of an encyclopedia). When I was younger OBs were frequent and often times painful. It also had an emotional and psychological effect. The OBs never stopped me from going to school or anything like that, but I always felt people staring at me, and thought they understood what it was. Well they understood what it was, but only as a cold sore, they did not understand it as I did. Realizing that I felt better about it, but also thought it was odd that oral HSV would be ignored, and genital HSV would be viewed so differently. I thought it was odd because I have always discussed this condition with partners, and because it's oral have done so very early in the dating process. Just about every woman I've dated has reacted as if it meant nothing, because they had a relative or friend who had cold sores. While I knew what cold sores were when I was younger, I had no knowledge of how many people share this condition nor the various transmission rates. Also when I was younger I, like just about everyone else, thought the two types were strictly identified by where they presented. I'm happy to say that no one I have been with has ever come back to me saying that they caught HSV. I've always taken whatever precautions were available and known of at each time. Fast forward to my adult years and I've been married/divorced and have a daughter. My HSV has not been an issue in a long time. My OBs now average 1 every 2 years or less without any medications. My daughter who is almost a teenager herself now has never shown any symptoms, but at some point I plan on taking her for testing. We've talked about many things and she understands exactly what the cold sores are too. The marriage to her mother broke down when she cheated and I ultimately decided that divorce was the best option. I took custody of my daughter and have been more or less happy since then. There's always ups and downs but I am a fairly positive person and always look for the positive spin on situations. Two years after the divorce I met a woman through a friend, and we hit it off. Keeping to my earlier habit I spoke with her about cold sores, and she seemed unconcerned, other than just not wanting to get them. I understood her concern and took precautions to protect her. After a couple months we started to get more intimate, and I was feeling quite connected to her. On one particular weekend I stayed at her house and we had a great weekend, a weekend including oral sex. A couple days later she sat me down before we went out for a date, she explained that she had something important to talk about. Over the course of the next 20 minutes she disclosed that she had GHSV2. I was a little concerned for two reasons. First she waited until after we were intimate to tell me this, and second while I knew getting both in the same location was unlikely I also knew it was not impossible. Shortly after this weekend I began to experience what the doctors identified as a primary OB of OHSV2 confirmed by a swab and later a blood test. The only thing that made me not freak out was that OHSV2 doesn't have a track record of frequent OBs. This relationship continued despite her late disclosure (I was already invested emotionally). The relationship as a whole wasn't bad, until the end almost 5 years later. It became apparent to me that she felt she could treat me any way she wished because we both had HSV2 and who would want me. This was an interesting point because I knew far more about the virus than she did. She seemed to still be in the 80's in her understanding of how it worked even though I tried many times to bring her up to speed. BTW she never contracted HSV1 from me. As I look back now I know that relationship was doomed from the start when I disclosed and she did not. A relationship not founded on honesty is no relationship, without honesty there will be no trust. So now here I sit re-entering dating with the prospect of have a different talk from the ones I've had in the past (no disclosures reached yet). But as I go forward I will always be honest and will always disclose even with the risk of rejection. After all it's not just about me, it's about the woman across from me as well.