Kristin (breatheandletgo)

Thanks WCS and Victoria, I am interviewing and trying to stay hopeful. Love to you both.

Amen bookworm. :)

Ashley, You are my new hero. Seriously. Wow. I don't even know what to say except you are love more than you can ever fathom and you are going to be on my heart and mind in these coming months. Please keep us posted here. You will beat this cancer and be more alive than ever. I know it. You already are! Much love, Kristin

Oh and HI WCS! Nice to meet another soul sister! :)

Hi Victoria! I'm so glad it made you smile. :) It did me too.

Thanks for your support, Ashley. It means a lot. xo

hey victoriaxx and abc, thanks so much for your comments and support. :) Swimming in the deep end takes practice and work, unfortunately. And its not always fun. I wish time would change things. It doesn't. But you can change things. And you are in a safe and encouraging place here for you to practice and work on those things in yourself, thanks to Adrial. We can only love others as fiercely as we love ourselves. I never learned that, or how to do it. (Like you abc, I was very good at the other stuff.) It has taken a conscious decision to do something else instead. Because what if I really am worth loving? I'm here (and so are you) and that is the proof we need.

Hi old friends and Hi to those friends I don't know yet. It's been 2 1/2 years since finding my soul friend Adrial and this place and learning that I had herpes. At that time I had just discovered my marriage of 17 plus years was over and I'd been betrayed by my childhood best friend, my first love. He was the guy who gave me herpes. It's been a journey. And in the last two years I've discovered many more betrayals, had three surgeries and been forced to change jobs three times. I've homeschooled my son through his freshman year while working full-time because he was deeply depressed and being bullied at school, and a couple of weeks ago I was down-sized again for the third time, so I'm looking for job number four. I was severely neglected as a child, among other things, so when I got married I gave my life to my family and put myself last because I thought that meant things would be okay. Like that was some kind of insurance against anything bad ever happening. I pushed down all of my fears and shame. Instead of facing them and working through them, I chose to learn about them and made lists of ways to be happy. If I felt scared or sad, I volunteered more. I thought if I made everyone else feel happy and loved, I would feel happy and loved, but life doesn't work like that. Our lessons are our lessons. We all have our own work to do, and sometimes that work leads you away from the things that make you feel safe and the people you love so you can do it. I have so many reasons to be thankful in spite of things. My son is back in school this year and doing so well and my daughter is healing. We are closer than we have ever been. I am learning and growing every day. I am healing and learning to love myself. I am learning how shame thrives in the dark, and since I hid myself and my pain from everyone else, my shame grew to be Godzilla-sized, and for a long time it stayed that way. It took a lot of courage for me to put a leash on Godzilla, leave my marriage. And that would have been hard enough. But when I changed my life I learned almost everyone in it was more invested in me staying as I was, than seeing me grow and heal. I'd chosen those people. I knew why once I'd left. I've since studied a lot about shame and if you ever read about shame you would have to read Brene' Brown, which I have and do. A lot. And I've learned from her what it looks like when people are dealing with shame and how I dealt with mine for so long and survived. Some people move away from others and withdraw...they hide and silence themselves and keep their secrets. Some people move against others, power up and get aggressive and fight their own shame by shaming others. Some people move toward others and look for ways to please them and appease them, and by doing that feel better about themselves. That was me. I couldn't love and serve everyone else enough and I hoped against hope it would fix my shame. But all that did was move me further away from myself. So what I do now is say it when I feel it. And right now I feel like shit. I am tired of looking for a new job. I am lonely and worried about everything and frustrated with the slow pace at which change is coming to me. I guess it isn't slow when you realize I did it another way for 40 years, but the last three have been long. LONNNNGGG. And I still feel so broken. But I'm not hiding or pleasing anymore. So that makes it uncomfortable. And I'm not letting shame write my story. What I AM trying to do is ask myself every day what the most courageous thing I can do for myself is, and then I do that. I think that's the way out. And so I'm doing it. And I am sharing that story with people who have earned the right to hear it and no one else. And that is only three people now, and you guys. The circle gets small when it starts getting real. So if you're wringing your hands about disclosing to someone, ask yourself if they have earned the right to see your vulnerable places and if they haven't, wait. If they have, tell it straight and be ready to do the next most courageous thing for yourself no matter how they respond. This is about you and your story. I will keep you posted about the Lifetime movie that is my life at the moment. grace and peace, Kristin

Haven't been here in a while, but I loved this quote and thought I would share. Not all of the haters are jackasses, but when they are...remember the above advice from one of my mentors. peace, Kristin

Miss you too, A. I'll email you. I could use a chat with one of my most favorite people ever. Love you, K

I haven't been here in while, and I miss it...life has just been so challenging and exhausting so I've been taking everything a day at a time. I started a new job last week that will hopefully offer more balance for me. I am hopeful... Anyway, watched this video this morning and thought my friends here would appreciate it and understand how it applies to us. For those of you I don't know yet, Hey there!!!...and to my old friends...I've missed you and will try to pop in here more and let you know you've never left my thoughts or my heart. http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?g=2&c=fea Kristin

Hi lovemyself, I have struggled with irregular periods much of my life and though I don't think herpes is causing your periods to be irregular, stress may contribute to the change or hormonal changes in your body. See your doctor and talk about it. Your periods being so close together may cause you to be anemic (low on iron) and cause fatigue which may lower your immunity which would hinder your ability to fight the virus. Hope that helps a little, sweetheart. Take good care. Kristin

Welcome, Cam. Glad you are here. And by all means, get tested. No sense worrying about what may not be. But if it is herpes, it doesn't have to be a life sentence of aloneness and misery. Herpes does not have to get in the way of your dreams. It may be the path to you becoming your best self. It has been for me. I'm 42 and feel like I am just beginning to embrace myself fully. My herpes diagnosis led me to a lot of healing. It can be the same for you, even if you don't have herpes. Just this wake up call to becoming all you were meant to be. And I honestly think you need to see another doctor. I don't like his treatment of your concerns at all. He seems very disconnected from the anxiety you are having about your symptoms. There is a huge education gap in the medical community about herpes, so your experience isn't uncommon. I just think seeing someone new is worth considering. Take the handouts Adrial has put together with you. There are a lot of issues addressed there that will help you get answers and educate your doctor if needed. Love yourself, Cam. Take care of yourself. Speak kindly to yourself in your head. Get all the yuck out in a journal or open a word doc on your computer and start typing, but don't let the negative thoughts grow. I put sticky notes on my mirror and in my car to remind me to be grateful, know I am loved, that I have a purpose to fulfill in this life and that nothing is going to keep me from that. You have to train yourself to think in a new way and face down the shame you carry. We all have it. We all need healing. You can begin that journey now and whether you have herpes or not, your life will be better and you will be more alive than you were before. much love, Kristin

I would encourage everyone to take these handouts to their doctor's office. I took a few to my gynecologist. I gave them Adrial's email for information about how to obtain more than those few. I hope at some point those materials can support this site, but for now, letting them know..."Hey, I found this website really helpful and they had these handouts that are something I could have really used when I was diagnosed. Would you be willing to share this information with newly diagnosed patients? I think it would bring a lot of comfort and hope." This is most everyone's experience at the doctor and we can change it one person at a time. much love, Kristin

Hey sj, I have been in therapy and it has helped. Initially I felt like this herpes thing was so HUGE...but what I realized is that herpes just really brings up a lot of junk we've buried about ourselves and it's not really the herpes we're dealing with per se, but the deeper part of ourselves where we have shame. We all have it, and we all need healing. Herpes can be the catalyst for deeper healing if you allow it to be. You can learn to love yourself in spite of all of the things you see as flaws or broken places. I would give therapy a go if you can swing it. Find a therapist that feels right for you. It may not be the first one you see, but find someone you feel comfortable with who will ask you what your goals are for therapy. A goal oriented, skilled therapist can guide you through dealing with all of your emotions surrounding herpes and help you get to the deeper issues in your heart and soul. And like Brenda said, I would also highly recommend the herpes weekend seminar. Adrial is amazing and wise and experienced in walking hundreds of people get to the root of their shame about herpes and themselves. If you can get there, you should go. If you're struggling with getting there, email Adrial and find a time to talk to him. much love, Kristin