Brynn2012

@2Legit2Quit You're right. I am isolating my self as if those were the only friends I was going to have. I'm not upset, I find myself very angry. It's just hard to think about trusting people in general in the future, but I eventually will and I will be so much smarter because of this.

@Anna01 I did leave that job :-[, almost a month ago. I knew I was never going to be able to deal with it. I could not have worked in that environment. It just hurts, especially to feel the weight of wasted time.

Well, both of our guys aren't "honest" haha, I take that back.

@Anna01 I just met up with the man that gave me H, and girl...don't do it. Ever. Because my conversation went really well and it only built a higher resentment within my self. He is the same way as your guy: very sweet and honest, but he is his number one priority. I wasn't fitting in with his emotional schedule. He apologized and we left with the promise of being friends...but letting that happen is like...accepting the behavior. I cannot do it. I don't even know if I am better off from this talk. Being positive with him will likely change nothing, be positive on your own :)

It's a tight knit community in Dallas, not a small "town" by any means...but people circulate between the same few places. My father visited my old job the other night. Talked with everyone and for the first time he said it wasn't about him, that I had made a irrevocable impact. He was proud. The bartender was the guy who infected me with HSV1, chatted up my father...he knew who he was, but he won't talk to me. I tried to reach out and he would not respond. My father didn't know THAT was the guy until he came home. It set me off, hearing his name...that he was with my father. I hated it, loathed the situation. And I lost it. Told the few friends I had left that I was going to end this, hurt him in the most primitive way. I drove around and ended up just crying, alone in my car...went home. It wasn't worth it. But tonight I felt the need to act. I texted him (seems everyone I didn't want to have my new number acquired it...) and he was hostile but he agreed to come outside. We talked for two hours, I sat in the grass while he stood. I said I felt disrespected, that I lost everyone and when I needed a ally...he wasn't there. He ended up agreeing that he handled the situation poorly...that he didn't know what to say, that we always ended up arguing and it was hindering us both. That he cared in what seemed to be a general sense. I said that I have genital herpes, I got the raw end of the deal...not that oral is nothing, but it isn't really associated with sex and false promiscuity. We went back and forth between serious and casual conversation, and I told him I don't feel anything romantic towards him. Asked if he wanted to be friends and it ended with a long hug/acceptance that we would work up to it. Now. I don't know what to feel. There is a weight lifted, because now my anger isn't so directed toward him. But i am not very accepting of myself. I am bitter that I have no friends guys. I am. I have maybe one left. We can argue none of them were real friends, okay. I'm still alone. And do I feel nothing for him? Not necessarily, but I could see tonight that it wouldn't work-getting emotion out of him is like pulling teeth...he is bizarre when it comes to women. And I don't think I can be his friend...I want to be important and I don't think he gets it. I want him to care about me more than other people...that is a problem. Should I try to maintain a friendship? I don't even know if I care. I just figure I'm never going to forget him so he might as well be in my life. I think I'm wrong. Should I accept we are on okay terms and let it go. And i mean, genuinely let it go? I'm already all mixed up. I'm glad I didn't hit him because he would have hit me back. We would've ended up in jail. Maybe I hate him but am too knowledgeable with regard to my part to say it.

@StillMeButWiser I've been on a couple of antidepressants in the past six months and even have a full prescription in my room. I am just trying not to jeopardize my health if I were to drink excessively while on them. I let things build up until I cry with no end in sight, and other times I am just withdrawn/angry. I don't know how many times I have to revisit past friendships and relationships before I realize they will not work for me. Thank you for your response <3

@whitedaisies Thank you so much. I will make things right. This is actually opening my eyes in a way they've never been. A lot of these people have to go.

@2Legit2Quit Love what you said about perception and looking at it as the beginning...not a complete do over. I overwhelm myself and lament how things have to be perfect this time, that's not fair to my self. The self loathing makes me want to change everything, it's a lot of pressure.

@whitedaisies This is all so fresh, not even a full month of knowing I have it yet, but I know you're right-that it will get easier. I am being destructive and I'm not giving myself room to be human. Going to therapy will help me track the origin of this pattern, humanize the situation. He is a nice guy, but he isn't the guy for me. I really only desire his comfort because he passed this to me...makes me feel like I have leverage. That's not healthy. ((Hugs))

@Anna01 You don't have to thank me, it's just the right thing to do. You can always personally reach out to me as well <3. After I started this discussion, said friend/friends coerced me into coming over to talk. I was just going to go to bed because it was so late, but she insisted. I get over there and there are more people than I thought, not a conducive environment and it turned into a complete shit show. Her and I went to pick up her son, she apologized and said we could talk tomorrow...that everyone sees me as this "angel" and I'm the only one who doesn't. My male friend was there and he cheered me up by being hilarious...but she eventually came in and somehow the guy who infected me got brought up...just his name. Right when she said it, she apologized because tears welled in my eyes...but she is apologizing in front of people who don't need to know the situation. When my male friend left, so did I. I didn't try to hug anyone or anything. She apologized later and said she wants to make it up to me...but come on. That was ridiculous, I told her not to bring him up and being fucked up isn't a good enough excuse. Sorry. I think these people want me to get over this because they want me to save them. It's no one's responsibility to save someone. You can be there to listen and lead by example...but they aren't my family. I'm at my wits end with friends. And you're right, this is life. Ups and downs, back and forth; but in reality, I have the power here. I'm not making the "wrong choices" just basing everything off of emotion, weak choices.

@whitedaisies I already struggled with letting go, it's like I have to spin every negative situation into a positive. I don't like to "lose" and this feels like one of those losses, you know? I have to separate myself from him, I already blocked every avenue of contact and I've stuck with it, but I get curious...if anything will elude to myself...I'm seeking for proof I matter to him. I really believe I feel that if somehow him and I end up together, it wasn't a detraction. I know that is a flawed way of thinking and people actually tell me that I should never speak to him again...that if I contact him to try and make it right...but I have no interest in being a friend...I set it up where I'm giving him what he wants. Power in position, and knowledge of knowing how I'm doing when he should be left in the dark. What do you think? It's perplexing because it isn't like I can just forget him...he's linked to the situation.

I'm really depressed right now, I can't even pinpoint the true catalyst but herpes has the most to do with it now. I've been stable and making progress this past week, but something will snap and I backslide. I go from working out and eating right, maintaining healthy relationships while I process this. To eating pizza on the couch, I won't shower for days and I get emotional. It's really pathetic to watch. I've always had a job, but ever since this last coworker relation gave me herpes...I don't know, for the first time I don't want anything to do with anything. I made a appointment with a psychiatrist but will not be able to get in for 3 1/2 weeks. I feel like a disappointment. I met up with some friends I used to work with, so they've only been in my life for a minute-but they were with me when I found out, they know the guy involved. I had to ask them to stop having him in their snap chats, that I don't want to see him and when they get drunk/freak out as to whether or not they have herpes...say they would kill themselves if they had it...it gets under my skin. They were apologetic and sympathetic, but I can't help but feel I'm losing every person I have, I'm not even a friend to me-how can I be left alone like this? This sounds like a new age problem, but I don't have a twitter-the infector has a twitter and I stalk his posts a lot. I did it today and seeing him function normally/portray that to the public really upsets me. My dad is an alcoholic, he loves me and I have unlimited support...but I already had issues as a result of a toxic environment. I've struggled with men, eating disorders, friends, my self in general. How can you believe in a future that is so ideologically separate from the past and present? I have this cycle and I don't know how to break it. Herpes just made it worse. And you guys can lament that I'm dramatic or things will get better, and you're right. But in the meantime? This is draining me dry.

Hey guys, I'm a twenty year old female, If anyone lives in the Dallas area and isn't a mass murderer, I would love to have someone to talk to! Was diagnosed with genital HSV1 less than a month ago. I have good and bad days, but generally I'm depressed. @ me and I will respond :)

@Anna01 Did he throw it in your face because you broke up with him? Or was it just something that was only going to come out when you were 100 percent leaving...like, he had nothing to lose?

@diddie_15 Rework the situation and make it blossom into something good. I know that the mind tends to revert and we love to beat ourselves down, let yourself be lifted <3. Inbox me if you ever want to talk! You're right and we will stop.

@diddie_15 First, bravo on opening up in any form or fashion. I was against any site or support group at first because I don't believe I wanted to associate with the topic. I've since gotten over that and recognized that it's okay to talk about it-everyone here understands and empathizes. I got HSV1 from oral sex a month ago, so I cannot give you progressive advice on people or disclosing to future partners. All I can say is that I felt the same way-as if I was being punished. I'm Catholic, but I only recently started going to Church again (this past Sunday). When I connected the dots to how I got here, all I felt was shame and disappointment, but now I am starting to see that maybe this is a blessing in disguise. If I could've had a choice-I wouldn't have picked herpes, but this is going to save me. I was chasing the wrong things, I didn't give anyone a chance to know or love me before being intimate with them because I didn't love myself. Now, I have to take things slow...I am not going to want to air my personal business unless the person has invested in my soul. And if they take it negatively, well, I dodged a bullet because sex wears me down...I give a piece of myself each time, and they would not have returned the favor. A lot of people are uneducated and ignorant when it comes to the subject. Pick the right people, and by "right" I mean...the one's you feel are worth it. If they can't handle it, it's no reflection of you-it's preference, categorizing. Never take it personally. No one is better than you and you don't have to keep punishing yourself.

@Anna01 I was seeing my now ex-boyfriend during all of the tests and sickness. We were coming off of a bad break and he isn't the one who infected me. He doesn't even know I have something now, we fizzled out and I never slept with him after I was with "the infector". But when I was suspicious of my symptoms, but not sure-it was definitely a little difficult to refuse sex. He told me I just have a UTI (like he would know) and that I'm on medicine for it so why not? He was very immature for someone 4 years my senior, but I spared him. I'm grateful I didn't give into temptation because he couldn't have handled a diagnosis like that and he speculated that I might have it...and I can tell if I would have stuck around and tried to garner support from him...I would've been worse off.

@2Legit2Quit I feel the same way. Granted, the guy who infected me did not know about his own condition...but if I had a choice? I would have gotten to know him better before being so intimate, I would've had an ally rather than an enemy. Everyone deserves a choice, if I ever made someone feel the way I do/did...it would be a whole new type of guilt and self-loathing.

@2Legit2Quit That video is so on point, it's not even funny! I have been trying to catch leaves, been investing too much in users. I'm thankful as well for the exposure of these people, because in a alternate world where I don't have herpes-I'm still chasing the wrong things. I do believe both of our ex-friends were jealous or bitter in some way, we spent all this time with them...they're probably not sociopaths haha. Though, it was a detraction situation; I look at people in my life as additives or detractors-what do they bring to the table? It's a difficult assessment to make, but if I had chosen to make it before all of this I wouldn't have expected something where there was nothing.

Did you ever come across the idea of not telling your future partners? Let me be clear, I know a lot of people get nervous and don't disclose at first, something like that could happen to me, but I accept I will have to tell people-I'm okay with it. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through if I can help it, which I can. There will always be a chance but that's out of my control-I would still feel horrible regardless. The point is, older women in my life-my mother...my aunt...tried telling me that I don't have to tell anyone ever. That I probably won't have another outbreak because it's a "minor case" (like they know haha) and that if they don't ask...I don't tell. That's ridiculous. I think they're anxious about me tarnishing my reputation, my family is "well known" where we live...but do they care about me or people finding out their daughter has herpes? How awful that would be for them, Lol.

@2Legit2Quit Wow...how you're describing your "friend" sounds JUST LIKE my supposed best friend. She has normally had a boyfriend but can never be alone, I considered her very promiscuous and fast when we were younger-she lost her virginity nearly 4 years before I lost mine and it was always about sex with her. I pinned it down to issues in her life and she knew so much about me...it was always I was her best friend...she doesn't even live in the same state as me anymore. I moved 6 years ago and maybe I was one of her greatest friends because she can't have functional female relationships IN PERSON. Took her on a trip in March, she got there herself but I paid for 70 percent of everything...because I knew she was on a budget. I wanted to exemplify my personality and how much I care about her as a person. So yeah, I resent her. She could've fucking answered my calls, and one day I'll forgive her (In my mind because I don't want to chance cycling with her again) because she has issues of her own. But this was one of those things...when I was wasted, alone on a coach of a house I was watching...and she preceded to argue with me-try to say I was hard to please and to spare her...I think she's happy this happened to me, as if it elevates her in some way and that, ladies and gentleman, is bullshit. It is definitely psychological! I can deal with outbreaks if I acquire another one in the future, I can deal with telling necessary people, but I cannot deal with how I feel about myself sometimes...or my perception of myself now and in the future. Has she ever tried to contact you again??

@whitedaisies I've been putting off going to therapy for a while now, even before this happened. I have the resources but it just never happens. And it isn't because I have some sort of complex about it-I saw someone for a solid year about two years ago. I'm not sure...sometimes I really want to progress and other times I prefer to wallow. There is no balance. You're right though, I have to let go. I have friends who became so paranoid that they had it for whatever reason-said that they'd kill themselves if they had herpes (they were drunk). Or they do not want to talk about it...they will never come out and say it, but it was noted. Some even will feature social media with the guy who infected me in their photos, when they know I'm going to see it and they aren't even friends with him. It does bother me, but I'm waisting my energy being angry with people who will not try to understand...because they don't want to. (((Hugs)))

I will update and maintain contact on this forum, I really appreciate your correspondence! "Life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you handle what happens".

@WCSDancer2010 Hey! I just finished the videos you linked to my story and was going through a few of the disclosure/wingman threads. I was about to respond on that forum...but I will save time and acknowledge both here :). I know I was being dramatic with my "shining light" comment, I was trying to relay my resentment toward my perception of the matter. I know that anyone worth having in my life will be a positive force-not hold my skin condition against me, though...I don't know. I recognize all of the facts and I know I will progress toward total acceptance of myself, I'm just not ready. My Aunt made a impressionable comment when she told me "this is workable," and it truly is. I have not taken the time to fully love myself or forgive myself for the past and the road that lead me here. This is powerful enough to change that. The societal viel is a tricky web to untangle yourself from. I found that I was rather uneducated with regard to my own sexual health and the stigma associated with herpes plagued my subconscious. It will take some time, but I will get there. The hardest part for me in this moment is that I don't have continuous support. Friends get tired of me being in a funk and after the initial diagnosis, my parents aren't really comfortable discussing it because it is linked to sex. Do not get me wrong, my mother and father were there when I crumbled and my mom did all the research for me..when I decided I didn't want to know anything other than no one would love me. That's not true. I know that now. Just focusing on a lot of different issues here, I've cut multiple people off temporarily (while I mend myself) and I'm trying to do the right things. I will talk to the guy involved in the future, but right now-you're right, nothing is established...this is all I have to hang on to and until I move on from the subject...it's best I stay separate. I wish I didn't care. Thank you for responding and for all of the insight :)

Hey Everyone! When I found out I had herpes, I made the mistake of telling too many people. No one random or anything like that, but a few too many "friends". All of them I consider to be compassionate people, though...I find that a few...have "disappeared". This isn't a post where I'm worried about anyone spreading my business, if it happens it happens. I am more concerned with outsider capacity for dealing with the issue...they don't have herpes. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS IT. Yet, they can't answer a text or acknowledge my state of mind? I'm talking about one friend who I have known for EIGHT years, beyond a best friend; I had to cease speaking to her because she wasn't there when I needed her. She could give me every excuse in the book...but she was absent. I received a few text messages here and there...no calls. Nothing. I find that to be incredibly selfish and I want to know if anyone else had bizarre "friend" reactions. Sometimes I feel they secretly believe they're better than I am now; that type of logic is faulty and a character flaw at best...if ever found out to be true, they don't need to be in my life anyway..but what the hell? To top it off, the guy who gave it to me started doing the same thing. Was there at first, even before we knew it was him, then it seems that I became a reminder...he has HSV1 oral, and yeah he has to be careful now/it's tough...but most people have that. I was on my "deathbed" for a week, had a more than uncomfortable outbreak for two weeks...I am going to have to disclose this to every partner I have and be in the "shining light" of their grace if I am allowed a chance with them...my life is forever changed. I know he feels guilty for infecting me, especially since I completely lost it out of grief, but now its too "depressing" to talk to me? I don't think I am asking for too much here. These are not random people, they were supposed to care and you know...maybe that's the lesson. Anyone have a similar story?