Salex

Hello, I hope everyone is doing well today :) It's been a while since my last post about living with herpes and my own past with it. After going through becoming sexually intimate with someone after ten years of forced abstinence due to a seriously damaging self-hatred mentality, I began to do some deep reflecting along with dealing with the consequences of my actions which is primarily deep regret and guilt. One of the realizations I made through my experience was the importance of being tested. So I made a decision to get tested again for the first time in ten years last October. It was an interesting moment because I was dating a woman with HSV 2 at the time and expressed that the symptoms that I had were these little white dotted protrusions on the crown of my penis which developed shortly before I was tested 10 years ago. These little white protrusions are what made me concered that I had herpes and was the reason why I got tested. So when my test results came up as postive for HSV I associated the little dots with Herpes and since it was on my genitals I assumed it was HSV 2. Honestly I associated the pictures of herpes from sex education to what I had on my penis. So every time I saw the dots on my penis, which usually remained there throughout the year I reinforced the thought cycle of "I have a contagious disease," "I can never have sex again" and so forth. So in my eyes, these little protrusions were a physical manifestation of HSV2. The woman I was dating informed me that her symptoms were much different from what I was experiencing which made us wonder if I actually had HSV2. At the testing clinic in the testing room I informed the nurse about my history of being diagnosed at 17, the mental state and the self-imposed abstinence along with my status of being positive for HSV 2 and that I want to get tested for anything else I might have. After listening the nurse then examined my penis and said that she doesn't see any sores. I then responded "Look at the little white dots. They're right there." The nurse then responded "Oh those? Those just are pearly penile papules." With confusion I said "They're what?" She repeated "Pearly Penile papules. They're a natural skin condition that most males have. It's not a disease, it's not contagious, and it's a naturall skin condition. Actually I think they're kind of cute." You know those moments when you just have to accept facts and can only laugh at yourself with acceptance of how blind you were from the truth?? Yup that was one of those moments for me. The nurse said "I'm so sorry that you had gone through all of that, but if this is what you though was HSV 2 I can almost be certain that this is not HSV 2. We'll check your blood anyway." Honestly I was thoughtless and speechless for a moment. Jaw dropped accepting the fact that what was on my penis was not HSV 2 or a disease. This whole time I looked at myself as this person with an infectious penis. Although I've learned to love myself and my penis regardless of what "disease" I have, simply realizing that I was basically "wrong" about what was on my penis totally shifted my point of view. Shit it shifted a lot within me. I then began to wonder, "wait a minute, why the hell didn't I learn about these "Pearly penile papules" years ago in school? The fact that there are skin conditions that can actually be confused for stds and that actually are not stds is not something to be ignored." I began to blame the school system for not educating me thoroughly on the body (abandoning self-responsibility really). It really opened my eyes about the variety of expressions the human body has. So the tests came back negative for HSV 2. The same feeling of thoughtlessness and speechlessness. I told myself before I got negative results that I will still be as compassionate as if I did have it to people who do have it. I am still as compasssionate if not more to others who have HSV 2. I wasn't tested for HSV 1 though. The nurse said that since so many people have HSV 1 that it isn't worth testing for it. I didn't protest because HSV 1 wasn't my concern until. It was interesting simply walking around knowing that the dots on my penis aren't a contagious disease and that I don't have HSV 2. Ahhhhh yes, I was keeping in contact with the woman I had sex with without sharing my status and told her everything. She also tested negative :D Shit I was thinking she probably might not even believe what I said. Can only control how I respond to anything so I'm simply glad that there wasn't any risk of transmitting something that I didn't actually have. So much went on in my mind from "What the hell was I diagnosed with ten years ago?" to "It doesn't even make sense to dwell on anything, what's done is done now move on." I was still concerned about HSV 1 so I got tested for that a few months later and it came up positive. The numbers were high which indicated that I've had it for a long time. Don't know where I got it from since the person I was lost my virginity to didn't have it when I was tested ten years ago. Shoot the doc's could have probably said that I have HSV 1 and I just associated the penile papules with genital herpes and accepted it as the "Genital version" of herpes. Of course now I know that HSV 1 can be both oral and genital. Honestly it's great to know my sexual health status. Ignorance is a pain in the ass!!!! I've yet to get intimate enough with a person to have the talk. Even though having HSV 1 is common I'm prepared to tell it to every single woman I get close to before we become sexual. Actually I have been telling people about my story. Not many, just my family and a few friends. I figured that if I want to be comfortable living with myself then simply be open about myself. Shit I can't control my past but I can control who I am in this very moment so hiding my past doesn't seem to be practical. Nor does living in regret and guilt. Simply learn from the mistakes (which are many haha) and move forward. Thanks for listening, Have a beautiful day :D

Thanks @ 2Legit2Quit it's a gradual process and such a new world now. Everything feels so expansive now and my challenge at the moment is redirecting the mental constructs that I've created that was fueled by fear into a mentality of acceptance compassion, and bravery.

Thank you so much for expressing thIs. It helped me realize steps that need to be taken to truly live. Learning to accept the truth, embrace the truth and let go of these shackles that hinder true expression.

Thank you for sharing. It's s motivating to hear about your acceptance of living with herpes and meeting people that accept you for who you are regardless of the herpes. It's so refreshing and encouraging.

Thank you @cloacina

I had protected sex with a person without disclosing my sexual status to her. In that moment before we had sex I had the opportunity to inform her about my status of living with herpes but out of fear I decided to remain silent. A cowardly decision on my part. We continued to have protected sex for a month. I was never asked about my sexual history and I never asked for hers which isn't a safe practice. After disclosing and apologizing for my insincerity I recommended her to get a full examination which she had already decided to do. I found out that she had never gotten test for anything other than HIV and AIDS in her past. I then shared with her that there are many STD's and STI's out there other than HIV and AIDS. She explained that she never had a reason to get tested due to trusting her partners. Feeling responsible and accepting responsibility for betraying her trust I said to her that it makes sense to get tested for everything when having sex with a new partner. In that moment I realized that if I had simply told her from the beginning, that I am living with herpes, then she would have had a moment of clarity. A moment of clarity with complete freedom for her to assess herself and understand something that she didn't before without being involved in someone elses attempt to manifest a reality founded off of fear, shame, cowardice, and immense lack of self worth. By telling her from the beginning I would have released myself from my manifested limitations in a state of clarity and purity and not in a state of pain and dishonesty. By simply being truthful and honest from the beginning I would have given a person, that still hurts when I want to call her my friend, an opportunity to grow on their own without negatively effecting her life what so ever. Every time I acknowledge what I have done it hurts. Not being upfront with myself and those around me is what allowed me to make such a selfish decision to compromise a persons health status. So now, at this very moment and for every moment to come I am upfront. I face myself and my limitations daily and fearlessly. I also face the consequences of my actions. I force myself to be truthful about living with herpes. The more I say that I'm living with it the simpler it becomes to say it. I've been afraid to even say that I'm living with herpes out loud. It's becoming more accepted within me and I'm realizing more and more that I am not this dis-ease. Secrets are such a hindrance to openness. So far all secrets have allowed was stagnation and fear. Makes me interested in the difference between secrets and confidentiality. Keep it real, responsible, considerate, respectful, and transparent from the beginning makes things a lot simpler. I'm novel to disclosing my status, this was my first time sharing with someone, so the experience in timing will come. I cannot control the decisions people make, but I do suggest to thoroughly consider both the weight of disclosure and the weight of abstinence of the truth before becoming physical with a partner. I was rooted pretty deep in fear but still had the choice. I was weak in that moment to simply say " I'm living with herpes." It's so simple it's insane to me that I lived in fear of saying it. That statement will grow into one of more confidence in time.

You are awesome! That seems to make life so much simpler. No room for thought or preconceived notions. Keep it real and open. It's refreshing. I recently started gradually preparing myself to open up to the rest of my family and friends. About this. Wow the weight that'll be lifted. Simply to tell them that I'm living with this and that's it. If they are interested in what it is I'll share if not, I'll live on. Thank you so much for sharing this @Marie14. The simplest things haha.

Thank you very much for your words @WCSDancer2010. That is exactly how I felt regarding not feeling worthy of love with herpes. I lived feeling that way since I realized I had contracted it. Such a painful way of living it was. Such a debilitating cycle. I accept that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of love living with herpes.

A buddy to speak to about living with herpes would be very healing. I have been living with it for about 10 years and haven't had a sexual encounter until recently in which I did not disclose until after the fact. It has been tearing me apart that I had sex with a person without truly seeing them as an essential and cherished part of this world. We used protection but it doesn't justify my insincerity. I've learned how to look at a person and see them as a human being. A life that is worth valuing, that is worth sacrificing any secrecy and fear for. A life that is worth being courageous and transparent for. A life that is to be cherished. I am 26, male and I live in NYC. I don't have a male/female preference. NYC or central New York area is cool, but I don't have a preference on where you are in the world. Age twenties or thirties is my preference. I'm wiling to listen, to assist, and to share. Willing to communicate by phone, internet ( skype, facebook, etc) or in person.

Thank you for sharing how you feel. It makes it even clearer for me to make courageous and responsible decisions regarding disclosing the fact that I´m living with herpes to a potential partner. It is not fun or acceptable to hurt people and be inconsiderate of their well being in any way what so ever.

Here is my story: I have been diagnosed with genital herpes almost 10 years ago. I don't know which type it is or how I got it because the person I was having sex with claimed that she did not have it. I have lived abstinent of sex, intimacy, relationships, and love for almost 10 years. I allowed myself to live in fear, shame, self hatred, and in hiding for years. I recently had protected sex with someone I care about but did not disclose myself until a month after we became intimate and continued to be intimate. The pain within me was intense. I forced myself to tell her. She felt angry, betrayed, disrespected and hurt. I apologized to her for all of the weight of what I have done to her. I explained to her the truth, what it is I'm living with, the facts about it, my history and the unacceptability of having sex with her without telling her that I am living with the parasite that causes herpes. I was so conflicted because I care for her as a person yet did not respect her as a person by being truthful from the beginning. People don't do that to people, friends don't do things such as that to friends. After speaking with her she accepted my apology and forgave me and explained to me that she was not angry with my allowing the risk of her becoming infected with the parasite/virus, she was angry at the fact that I withheld the truth from her from the beginning. She decided that she doesn´t want to see me again. I spent years hiding from myself and denying my own truth. That life is over for me. My life is being lived with transparency, courage, truthfulness, fearless communication, trust, respect, honour, and love. I care for the well being of people. Bringing pain unto someone in anyway is unacceptable and is painful to accept my decision to allow myself to abstain from telling her the truth about what I was living with. Using condoms every time does not justify my decision. It just expresses concern within hiding and fear. I don't hate myself, but it hurts me immensely to know that I hurt my friend. She got tested for everything today. No one deserves to be lied to or treated inconsiderately. I'd rather live my life transparently within the truth of what I'm living in regardless if one accepts me or not than live in fear, hiding, and inconsideration to myself and others. I will not be confined to this shit any longer. This shit that I've allowed to exist. I've decided to discard this shit, this fear, this shame, this denial, this depression, this sadness, this pain. I haven't given myself the gift of acceptance, transparency and freedom for many years. My life is only allowed to be such a way. I will only tolerate truthfulness and transparency within me and outside of me. No secrets. I´ve accepted that I am not alone in this process. Still my decisions matter. To learn all I can about this parasite\virus, cleanse my body of the shit that supports it and do what it takes to cleanse my mind and my body of this thing as well as the debilitating habits that I´ve created along the years. It´s possible to be in a relationship with transparency and truthfulness.