The herpes talk was easier than this...how to move forward?

[rmj913]

Hello everyone, I'm Jon. I've had HSV2 for 5 years now. I really wish I had found this site sooner because I spent a lot of time being angry, shameful, and very, very lonely. But two years ago I started seeing somebody and soon made my first disclosure. It went great. She was so supportive and fearless. We agreed to use protection and that I would take antivirals and pay attention to symptoms. We had a great sex life. But she wasn't right for me and it ended. That was hard. I really started to become fearful that she was a fluke and I'd never again meet anybody that would so willingly accept the whole me.

 

But I did. My current girlfriend and I have been together for seven months now and I see a long future together. The disclosure wasn't as easy as the first one, and she had more questions and fears, but she didn't dump me. She's got good reason to be fearful. She's much younger than me and a virgin. She's scared of having sex in general, not to mention sex with somebody with herpes. We've kept my guy under wraps except for hand jobs. We've had very good discussions about her fears, the statistics, protection, how herpes has affected my life, etc. I gave her the information available on the website along with some other articles I've found. I understand her fear and really want her to be ready to take our relationship to the next level, but every day I'm becoming less and less patient. I know she loves me and wants to be with me, but I just don't know how to get her to take that leap of faith. I've told her that once I learned to stop blaming myself, herpes doesn't really affect my life. So I take a pill every day...big deal. We've talked about how unlikely she is to get herpes by performing oral on me, but that hasn't happened yet. We've talked about the statistics of birth control failure versus herpes transmission to which she said she's always known pregnancy is a risk and has learned to accept that risk, but not with herpes. She has admitted that we already would have had sex if it weren't for the herpes. We have male and female condoms ready so there's no added pressure when the moment arrives. We've tried being creative in the bedroom, but creativity is not a strong suit for either of us.

 

Still I wait. I will continue to wait, because she's worth it. But I could really use some advice. Any advice. I don't want to pressure her, but I'm losing my patience. Thank you

[mr_hopp]

First off, welcome Jon. Can I just say how much I LOVE how aware and open you are? It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and have a strong sense of integrity. I love it. Thank you for modeling what it means to be strong and vulnerable (especially as a man). And I hear you, bro. You're ready to take it to the next level, to connect in a deeper — er, sexy — way. :) Ultimately what would have you not have the conversation much like you posted what you're going through here? Being transparent with what you're going through and what you're wanting is what relationship is all about. And telling her explicitly that you don't want to pressure her about it, but that you are wanting something with her. If it's a solid relationship, then having that kind of conversation is par for the course, with or without herpes to contend with. Having difficult conversations can bring couples together closer because it's intimate. Sharing your fears, hopes, needs, dreams and everything else. It's all part of it. Again, thank you for your integrity and your heartfelt patience. I can tell you really care about her. And that touches my heart, bro. I have a good feeling about you two. ;)

[rmj913]

Thanks Adrial for the feedback and the compliments.  I try my best to be the guy I'd like others to be.  I have had that conversation with her numerous times as well.  I guess my other post was getting long and I forgot to mention it.  She knows what I want and she knows how I feel.  I've had to describe to her how it feels to not be touched...like a leper or something.  I've also explained the amazing positive effects sex can have on a relationship.  We're both open and communicate well with each other.  The problem is that she says she's just not ready for the risk.  She has basically said that she wants to know there's no chance of us breaking up (so that if she catches H, she won't have to go through the difficult disclosure process with  future partners), but I don't think I can, nor should I wait until I'm ready to propose to her.  I know she's also scared that she'll end up being angry or resentful if she does get H. I feel like we get close to moving forward, but then nothing happens.  And I know the more I bring it up, the more it will feel like I'm pressuring her...And we all know we tend to resist pressure. I just don't know how to help her move past her fears. Thanks for your support.