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5 yrs later

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Hi I'm new here, my therapist advised me to join a group where other people could relate. I got the virus 5 yrs ago when my now ex lied to me about having a condom on (I thought he put one on but never did). I was angry because a week before I met him I prayed for GOD to send me someone cause I was so lonely. I had been left previously heart broken by an asshole and thought I was finally seeing the silver lining. I was met that week with thee worst I thought rash or yeast infection but turned out to be herpes. I was devastated, things kept flashing before me like the month before, telling my gyno my love life was as dry as the desert and I was having a drought, or how I was gonna make sure the next guy I dealt with took a STD test before we did anything cause I dodged that bullet with the last guy who slept around, how I was ready to settle down with a stable man. Then, for the same day to find out not only did I have herpes I found out I was pregnant. I blamed myself, him, the guy before, GOD ect.

I was terrified, never been pregnant before and never had an std before, when my gyno told me it was incurable I didn't know what to do. I was uneducated about these major two things that happened, I only read that the child might come out blind. I really contemplated suicide for a week or two and decided this is not an environment that I would ever want to bring a child in and had an abortion. I had always been anti abortion and here I was, I cried everyday for months. I opted to never take any drugs in fear of repeated usage would cause liver damage plus medication gives me anxiety. I dealt with all the painful out breaks that subsided once I figured out what triggered them. Sex was never the same, I didn't want to have it and always had an ob after every time. I wanted to leave my boyfriend really wanted to kill him but I stayed cause I knew that was it, I was really going to be alone now. later on in the relationship I became too resentful to stay he put me through a lot so we broke up. I still feel like it happened yesterday, 5 yrs later and contemplated suicide heavy over the holidays. My birthday was coming up and I just couldn't see things getting any better. I finally got serious about therapy and started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist . I've been feeling even more lonely lately. I feel like I would be flourishing in my dating life by now or even married at my age 36. I've been getting myself mentally prepared to just flourish everywhere else in my life but accept that I'll be alone forever. No guy in my community will date someone telling them they have herpes unless they already have it or they have worse. I don't want that to be my only option so things are just as bleak 5 yrs later.

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Hey! I’m a 28 yr old black female. There are plenty of black men w/o stds who would be willing to date & marry you. Change your perspective, change your mindset. There is always hope. Life isn’t over. Forgive yourself and forgive that ex so you can be free and receive new beginnings. Also, remember satan sends ppl too. You were vulnerable then, lonely, and satan knew what you liked. Remember wolves walk around in sheeps clothing. The past is the past. You’re loved! You will get that love life you desire! Don’t dwell on being single and alone. Use this time to improve you, heal you, start businesses, put your talents/gifts to use and get distracted doing better in life and before you know it, that love will find you while you’re busy doing you, enjoying life. God is a restorer and healer! 

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Thank you for those kind words ❤ Really hoping my therapy works.

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