Just found out

[queenb22]

I just recently found out I have HSV 1. I believe I contracted it from my partner. He had a cold sore awhile back.  I don't know what to do. What to say. I'm not angry if I got it from him. I just feel ashamed and embarrassed and dirty. Support please! 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello!! 

I hope you are doing okay today. 

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and stress. Please know that you are not alone. You are not bad. You are not ugly. You are not dirty. You are good. You are worthy of love. You are beautiful. You are pure. 

If you have genital HSV-1, please know that this combination of location and type is less likely to result in frequent outbreaks. It typically lays more dormant, and of you do have an outbreak, typically they are less intense and painful than if it were genital HSV-2. 

It is going to be okay. You have a common virus, that's it. It doesn't determine who you are as a person. It doesn't have the power to overshadow you! 

If you haven't already, you may feel the need to discuss this with your partner, especially if they do not know they could have HSV. If they don't think they have it or have never had an outbreak, they could get an IgG blood test. The best way to have these discussions is to not be accusatory; to be logical, calm, and kind. If you feel that they aren't being respectful or are upset during the discussion, you can always ask to have the talk later when both parties are ready to be peaceful and calm. 

Stay strong ❤️ We are all here to support you and answer any questions you may have! 

Sending blessings your way 🌄!

-- Grace

[queenb22]

Thank you so much for all of the kind words. I really appreciate it. I know he has had a cold sore. We have been together a little over a year now. Is it more than likely I contracted it from him?

 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello! 

Well, considering that he has oral herpes (cold sores) and it is most likely HSV-1, which is what you just got diagnosed with, it would be logical that you would have contracted it form him.

When was your first outbreak, and what type of test did you get to confirm you have GHSV-1? 

If you just had your first primary outbreak, and it was swabbed, and it came back positive for GHSV-1, then it would mean you got it from a recent sex partner (your partner).

If you have never had an outbreak, or perhaps didn't notice you were having one, and you got a blood test that says you are positive for HSV-1, then one of two things is possible. If you had an IgM blood test positive result, it means you very recently contracted it. If you got positive results from an IgG test, it means you contracted it 12+ weeks ago.

Has your partner recently had any cold sores, in or outside his mouth? If so, and he has preformed oral sex on you, it is likely you contracted it this way. 

Stay strong! ❤️

Blessings

Grace

[queenb22]

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I believe it has been several weeks since he had a visible one. It wasn't there very long. I know his mother had one as well not long ago. But he always performs oral sex most of the time. Idk if I had a cut down there. But we have been together a little over a year and this is the first time this has ever happened to me. They did a swab test and it came back positive for HSV1 negative for HSV2. Thank you for reaching out to me. I really need some positive words. I don't know if his ex partner who he was with for years ever got it. But this was definitely my initial outbreak. Felt flu-like symptoms as well.

 

 

[queenb22]

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Also, do you take antivirals everyday? Or just when you feel an outbreak occurring? I don't want to have to take these everyday, but want to try to prevent further outbreaks.

 

 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi!! 

No problem!! I'm happy to help 🌻

In terms of how you got it, it sounds like this was your first outbreak, especially since you felt flu like symptoms, and you said he preforms oral sex often.

It's interesting... some people never pass HSV on to their partners; others pass it right away, other pass it later. It really all depends on timing and biology. 

In terms of antivirals, it's unlikely you would have to take them daily as a suppressent. GHSV-1 usually results in less outbreaks and is less likely to be transmitted. Plus, your partner already has antibodies for HSV-1, so it's unlikely (but hypothetically still possible) that he would contract it genitally. 

What you can do is start learning about how HSV is affecting your body. Take note of any prodrome symptoms you have before any outbreaks (if you have any at all). The better you track your outbreak patterns, the easier it can be to manage things. Now, let's say you are getting frequent outbreaks. In that case, daily supressents may help you stay happier and in less pain, as well as keep your sex life happy and healthy, too. 

Basically, you don't need to think about supressents right now. Observe your body and any changes in potential future outbreaks, and then you can evaluate if you want to be on supressive medication. 

I hope this helps! 

Stay well 🌄 you can do this!! 💛🌻

Blessings,

Grace 

 

[queenb22]

I can't thank you enough for guiding me through this. You have been such a light to these last few dark days. I have moments where I'm somewhat okay then moments that I cannot think clearly and I am just so depressed. He doesn't think he had anything to pass on to me. But with this being recent and he is the only partner I have had in a little over a year, my first outbreak, it had to have came from him. We are building a life together and I'm just afraid this will put a damper on things. 😞

[queenb22]

I don't want to feel unattractive or unwanted.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello! 

Aw gosh, I completely understand. Remember that a little rockiness in the road is totally normal for a relationship. It is the love and strength you both have that really strengthens the relationship! Herpes seems like something that places a wedge between two people, but honestly, it can increase intimacy, vulnerability, and communication, and this really strengthens a bond between two people. 

If your partner is upset or not being supportive in the ways you need, it may be from guilt or sadness for passing it to you. If anything, forgiveness and kindness to one another is a key part of building a life together. It will be okay. Love is stronger than all the forces that try and come between it. Also, let your partner know if you need reminders that he still thinks you are attractive and wanted. You are a team, and if you need support and reminders to get you through this, ask for it. He may need reminders that you still love/accept him even though he passed it to you, etc. 

I hope this helps!

Hang in there. You can do this 🌄💛🌻!!

Blessings,

Grace

[queenb22]

I'm having a hard time telling him. I just asked him if there was a chance he could've given me something. I wake up every morning, sick, chest hurting. I don't know how I am going to get through this. 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

I am so sorry. It will be okay. If anything, you may need to educate him about how transmission happens, and how passing HSV-1 from mouth to genital is becoming increasingly more common. I have GHSV-1, too! 

You can preface it by saying, "I need to share something with you, and your brain may jump to conclusions, but please try to be calm and understanding." And, you also can stress the fact that you've been faithful (one of the conclusions he may jump to). You can also say, "I know this wasn't your intent, but I just got diagnosed with GHSV-1 (herpes), and I think I got it from receiving oral sex from you." Then, he will probably be like "wtf are you talking about?" And then then that is where education comes in. Remember, so many people do not even realize that herpes can pass from mouth to genitals, and people don't realize you can still pass it without having an active cold sore. 

Stay strong, and try to talk it out! We are here for you! 💛

Sending blessings your way 🌄

-- Grace 

[queenb22]

Then I worry if I go get checked and there is anything else, what will we do? I'm not saying there is something else, but you never know. We were with someone else before we got together. I feel like I need to deal with this first and foremost. I just can't get the courage to. It's taking a toll on me physically ad mentally. 

[Flowerteacher55]

I understand. It's really really overwhelming. It is going to be okay. 

Have you and your partner been tested for STIs before you were together? Remember, STI panels do not include viral STI checks, such as HSV or HPV. However, you can get bloodwork done for a more comprehensive panel. You and your partner can even go together and get tested too. 

Remember that there is so much out of our control. If someone we were with chooses not to tell us if they have an STI, or they themlsves don't even know, than that is just out of our control. If you were with someone else before your current partner, and he was with someone else, that out of your control. Also, what has happened has happened. It seems that perhaps both of you may be afraid the relationship will crumble because of this possible  conversation conflict. Health and sexuality are so so complex, but they don't need to be scary topics to talk to about. With open communication and a logical perspective (versus emotional) when talking about sexual disease and infections, relationships and health can thrive. 

Stay strong ❤️❤️❤️. If you want to practice what you want to say, feel free to draft it on the forum! ☺️

Blessings,

Grace

[queenb22]

I really don't know how to even begin to say anything. I feel like it will ruin our lives. 😞 he says he loves me no matter what. But is he as understanding as I am? I'm not sure. I have children as well. I don't want everything to fall apart or him just not look at me the same.

[queenb22]

I go to my regular check ups, but we never went and got checked for STIs.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

Okay. Yes, honestly many people don't get regularly tested, or have never been tested at all. Usually, at the OBGYN, when they do a PAP smear, they check for STIs. However, you can also get a classic STI panel done by going to a clinic like Planned Parenthood. 

It isn't insulting or anything to ask someone to get tested-- I've asked men and they've been like "I'm clean, why would you ask that?" Uhh... First off, even if you do have an STI, you aren't dirty. And second, literally it's a medical test, just go get it done and show me proof. I'm honest about my HSV and would respectfully go get an STI panel if someone asked me to, so I expect others to do that same! If they don't want to, that is a reflection of them. 

Basically, don't be afraid. It will be okay ❤️.

I hope you feeling any better since you first posted on here 🌻

Blessings,

Grace

[queenb22]

I'm not any better. I'm actually quite worse. Its affecting my schooling. My health. I am falling apart and I am so afraid. I don't know if he will go get tested. I don't know if he will look at me the same either 😞

[Flowerteacher55]

I'm sorry. That's terrible. Are you a college student? That's really difficult to juggle school with this new diagnosis. 

Remember that we can't see the future. You don't know how he will react, and how he reacts is a reflection of him, not of you. You deserve a kind and respectful human who is willing to get tested out of respect and kindness to you (and themselves, to monitor their own health). 

I'm here for you ❤️

[queenb22]

Yes I am juggling school with children. If this came from him which I am most certainly it did, should I just wait for this talk?

[queenb22]

How did you cope with your diagnosis?

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

Oh gosh, that is so much juggling. Remember to take time for yourself when you can. I cannot even imagine parenting while in college. You are one tough mama bear 🐻❤️! 

In terms of talking to him about everything, it would make sense to talk to him about it if you see each other often. If you aren't going to see him for a few weeks, then you can wait until then. Honestly, it is up to you. However, it is a good idea to tell him that you have it, especially if you are seeing him soon and will be intimate with him. 

How I coped through everything was at first a lot of crying, and then a lot of healing. I was 19 when I got herpes, I was a sophomore in college and got it from a boyfriend who was 5 years older than me. He was really mean and at some points he was even abusive. Actually, the day before my outbreak, we were intimate and he was not very kind to me. So, part of me identifies my herpes as coming from that unkind time, and that made healing really hard. I felt dirty and ugly and just like a disappointment. I didn't tell my family, since I was sure they would judge, and I waddled around campus like a duck for about a week since the pain from the sores was so bad. I was so embarrassed. I felt very scared and alone, and he was really mean to me when I told him about it, so eventually I broke up with him. After that, dating was interesting. Some men were complete chumps and were rude, but many were kind and accepting of it, which gave me hope. If anything, I coped by educating others about it, and reminding myself that the way people reacted was based off their disrespect and ignorance about a common virus. Oh speaking of education... at the time I was a peer educator on my campus for sex ed and wellness... so the irony was that I was educating people about safe sex and everything and I ended up getting herpes. I was like, "What the frick?!" Oh, humor has helped me heal, too. Being able to laugh through the struggles really helped me, too.

Most importantly... Having herpes has actually made me love myself more because I need to see myself as more than a body; I have a smart mind, a kind soul, and a passion for helping others. This actually helped me heal a lot from childhood trauma and my anorexia. At first, having herpes was almost like a complete validation of the ugliness and guilt and shame I had felt for the first 19 years of my life, but then, herpes made me realize that enough was enough, and I am enough no matter what. Joining this forum has helped me IMMENSELY, because it reminds me that the advice and support I give to others, I need to take as well. The kindness from others on here reminds me I am not alone, and that we are all worthy of support and healing. Herpes is common, which is a bummer, but without having herpes, we wouldn't be here connected to one another. Struggle and suffering are part of the human experience, but we don't need to go through them alone. If anything, we bond through sharing our struggles and helping one another! ❤️ Truly beautiful.

Let me know if you have any other questions! 

Blessings,

Grace

[queenb22]

We live together, so I had to tell him something. I could only get out that I tested positive for HSV1 and I have the antibodies and I said you know how you have cold sores? He said yes they come from herpes. I kind of told him that we need to be careful if there are sores. But obviously he knows he has HSV1 where he gets cold sores often. He usually gets them around this time of the year as well. He must have given it to me when he thought his sore was healed. But it's confusing bc the last sore I remember was a good while back. But I have read that even when there are no sores, there are still chances of transmitting it oral to genital. Thank you for all of your support! It is really helping me feel a little better. So we both know we are exposed to this. I feel a sense of relief. I also informed him of any information I have learned so far and will continue. Thank you sweetie! <3

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi!! Hooray! It's great that you talked to him! He seems like he is okay with everything. That makes sense, since he has HSV-1, too, just in a different area than you! It also seems like he wasn't defensive, which is great. Yes, stay educated on it and stay well!! Also, for the sake of things, if you both went and got tested for other things, now might be the right time! 

Reach out if you need any more help!! 

Blessings,

Grace 

[queenb22]

Thank you so much for everything! I would love to keep in touch! ❤️