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Very scared for my new relationship…

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Hello all,

Symptoms of herpes (that I didn’t think were symptoms at the time) began for me about a week and a half ago, I got really bad canker sores on my tongue, I had a swollen gland under my jaw, and I had really bad body aches. The swollen gland and body aches only lasted for about 3 days. I recently began a new control inhaler for my asthma so I just believed it was my body getting used to the new medicine. Fast forward about 4 days I got a bump on my lip. I thought I had just bit and peeled off too much dry skin from my lip at first but it turned into a large sore, and a few days later another one right under it showed up. This is when I began to get nervous because the second bump was hard and had tiny blisters. These two bumps are visible to anyone I converse with and not inside of the mouth but directly on my bottom lip. Panic set in immediately. 

I currently have a boyfriend of about 3 months now and I am very unsure of how to approach the situation. This is not our first go around with a STD/STI situation. The first incident, we talked about it and got over it and we have been fine since. However we never came to an agreement about it’s source, i.e. he believes I brought it to the relationship and I believe he brought it to the relationship. We kinda just let it go and moved forward from it.

About 2 days ago, I had a bump show up inside of my mouth on my bottom lip, it’s definitely a sore. A few hours later I noticed a white pimple-looking bump inside of my left labia that is actually not a pimple because it didn’t pop. It has been sore the past two days and it does burn when I pee. 

I love my boyfriend very much and I do appreciate him more than he knows; life has been throwing me curveballs these 3 months we have been official and he has been there for me every trip. However, I’m not sure how to approach this situation with him. Like I stated before, he believes I brought the previous STD/STI to the relationship so I’m concerned how he will handle this one if I disclose I may have the virus. When the first bump on my lip showed up I didn’t suspect anything because I just thought I bit off too much skin, so during that time I was still kissing him and having sex. But I know soon he will suspect something is up because I haven’t kissed him lately and haven’t been having sex, I have actually been very unaffectionate and distant lately because I am concerned I do have the virus. 

I want to get tested ASAP but I want him to come with me so he can be tested as well.. I just have no clue if I should get tested first and then tell him or tell him before I (or we) go that I’ve been having symptoms. 

To make everything worse: his birthday is this weekend. 😭 I want to wait until the festivities are over to spill, but I cannot have sex or even kiss him and it’s breaking me apart. I have been crying for about 3 days now and I just feel completely lost. 

I have never had anything like this happen to me before and if I am positive, this is definitely my first outbreak. I was pretty mad at my OBGYN because in February (when my boyfriend and I went through the STD/STI situation) did not test me for herpes even though I had asked for a full panel and told her I wanted to be tested for e v e r y t h i n g. 

When I do get tested, what is the difference between the IGm and IGg? How do I know if this is new in my body or if it’s been dormant? 

Last year was a hell of a year for me and lets just say I had a lot of fun but I definitely paid the price for it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve had it and it’s been lying dormant. I wanted to leave the past in the past but it seems as if it’s come back to haunt me. (only if it’s been dormant) Just really scared for my still new relationship, I care for him very much and I will be totally devastated if this goes into the wrong. 😞 Please help 

Any advice helps, thanks in advance! 


- a concerned and scared bluemoo 

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Hello Friend 🌻💛

Please breathe and take a moment to pause and remind yourself that no matter what happens, you will make it through. Love is strong. H doesn't have the power to break it! If anything, the honesty and kindness that comes from disclosure can help boost love. It sounds crazy, but it's true! 

I'm so sorry that you've been having a rough time with things. Life will get better, and it will all be okay. It's always darkest before the dawn, and a rainbow is shining for you soon! 

I'm so sorry about the OBGYN not testing you for everything. Sadly, H is not testable via urine, and an STI panel does not include a blood test. Doctors do not explain this to people. It's really not okay. I am so so sorry about this. You deserved to have been told that a full STI panel does NOT test for HSV!! It's not your fault ❤️.

If you can, get to a Planned Parenthood or OBGYN to get your labia sore and oral sores swabbed for viral culture. The viral swab test is most accurate within 48 hours of sores appearing, but you should try and get it even though it's over the 48 hours. 

Then, see what the results are. You could get an IgM blood test as well, but a swab test should be able to do the trick. However, this does sound like it could be primary outbreak since you felt like you were coming down with the flu and your glands were swollen and you had body aches, classic primary outbreak symptoms. It is possible he passed it to you, but of course he may not have known he has it. The best test for him would be an IgG blood test since it seems he is not actively showing symptoms. 

You definitely should tell your partner this is why you're being distant, otherwise it'll cause miscommunication and miscommunications are what lead to so many unnecessary arguments. In the end, you both want to have peace and love. You don't want to have another STI argument, so that's why you're afraid to talk about it, and you can definitely share this with him. Take turns speaking. Explain your worry, your fear, and your desire for a loving and kind and respectful relationship. The blame game isn't helpful for anyone; instead, examine this as a partnership: you BOTH deserve to be healthy and well, so of course you both should get tested. It's no one's fault and no one intended to pass HSV to another, especially since it seems neither of you knew/know you may have it! Basically, this is part of being intimate. Sometimes humans have common viruses and they get passed to one another. That's it. It doesn't mean you're dirty or bad or should be ashamed. It's a part of life. 

Have you ever had symptoms before? Have you ever gotten cold sores before? Has your boyfriend ever had cold sores or noticed sores on his parts? Sit down and have a discussion. Treat the situation like a doctor: no need to be angry or judgemental, but instead inquisitive with a desire to understand and heal. Make it a team approach for support and to show solidarity through this time ❤️ you can get a swab test and/or IgM blood test and he can get an IgM and IgG blood test. You obviously want this relationship to work 💛🌻 your kindness and love for him will shine through when you tell him 💛🌻 it's the honest moments that helps solidify a relationship. You can do this!! 

I hope this helps ❤️

Stay strong! Be honest. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself (although you have no reason to be sorry). We are here for you! Reach out if you need help or want to script what you will say to him. 

Sending blessings and prayers your way! 💛



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Also: if he starts getting defensive or you are afraid of an argument starting, write him a letter. Letters are wonderful because they give the person an opportunity to think before responding in emotion. Plus, it allows you to be honest and express how you feel without fear or judgement. Letters rock! 💛 💌 

The Universe handed you this situation perhaps to strengthen your relationship and help you both get past the original issue of STIs before. You can express to him that you want to heal old wounds and recover and strengthen your relationship, and even though this situation is difficult, it is truly an opportunity to heal and grow stronger!! 

Blessings! ☀️🌻

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Thank you Grace! 

I’ve decided to tell him and invite him to get tested with me. Better sooner than later. I will update once we have the discussion and everything is said and done. I think my biggest fear is losing him because of this situation. We work very well together and I know the relationship is still new but we were friends for a year before we decided to make it official. So the loss of my boyfriend and prior to that, a good friend, is what I’m fearing the most. Everything happens for a reason. 

We have had good communication since we became friends, and even better now that we’re partners so I hope he will be understanding about the situation and know that I just genuinely care for him and of course his health. He did mention to me today via facetime that he’s worried about me because of the distance I’ve been placing between us. I reassured him it was nothing that he’d done and I was just going through a tough time mentally, he understood and told me that whenever I’m ready to talk he’s all ears. I love him and this just hurts. But I’m gonna do the right thing. 

I do appreciate your advice! It definitely helped ❤️ 

Thank you so much! 



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