Feeling Defeated. How to move forward?

[Equus85]

I don't really know if i need advice or if i just need to tell someone my story because I literally can't bring myself to tell anyone.

In march of 2020 during the shut down I went out with a guy a few times and he disclosed his hsv2 to me.  He painted a good picture of how he his suppressants daily and was healthy yada yada.  I don't know what I was thinking...I only slept with him once.  he ghosted me after.  😒 Months later in july I start dating someone else in a more serious fashion.  The first time we had sex something didn't feel right.  The next few days after I thought i had a yeast infection or UTI.  then about a week into those symptoms...I got a blister.  I knew. I told my boyfriend that something wasn't right and I was worried about what it was.  He was very comforting and understanding. By the time I got to my doctor i had a few blisters so it was easy for her to swab test and it came back positive.  I told him the news and he took it surprisingly well.  He said "don't worry, i'm not going anywhere"

Fast forward a year and a half later....My first outbreak was awful.  Painful and took forever to go away.  Since then i've barely had any.  I've had a few times where i could feel it coming and I took suppressants and it went away quickly.  I haven't had blisters since my first outbreak.  I'm very lucky in that respect, and hadn't really gone through the process of dealing with the herpes because I had a supportive boyfriend and very mild outbreaks.  we kind of forgot about it for the most part.  Not long after we had started sleeping together he also got it.  He never got tested, but he got blisters so it didn't seem necessary given I already had it.  But now we broke up.  Turns out Hes a narcissist and just assumed we'd be together forever so he didn't picture a world without me so that's why he took the diagnosis so well initially.  So now i'm being blamed for giving this to him, and he thinks that I should still be intimate with him because who else is going to want him and we both already have it, and when he I tell him no he threatens to out me to social media....ugh...I'm smart enough to know not to give in to him and he's just being a child...but it's a whole big nightmare.  I know everyone says not to feel this way but i do...I feel dirty, and embarrassed, and ashamed.  I have told no one but him.  Not even my best friend.  I actually plan to tell her tomorrow, we have plans to hang out.  But I couldn't even imagine if my social circle found out because he decided to tell everyone out of spite.  Do I just own it and let the world know? or do I just pretend hes lying and keep hiding it? He keeps asking me how he's supposed to move on now, and i told him that I don't know either.  In all honesty i'm just not dealing with it and burrying it for now.  After being with his toxic ass for over year, i can take some time to be single and not sad about it, but eventually i'm gonna want to try dating again...and all the stories on here of how people have moved on are so inspiring but it just seems so hard to do right now.  😔

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello, Beautiful Friend,

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you. None of this is your fault. You are a warrior and you are so strong! ❤️ 

First, I am so sorry how the men in your life have treated you. Getting ghosted is not okay. Being harassed by an ex is completely not okay and frankly, illegal. The way people treat you or have treated you is a reflection of THEM, not of you. You did not and do not deserve any of this. 

If you feel afraid, you can report his behaviors to someone you feel close to (such as your best friend), and if he doesn't stop after you tell him to and doesn't leave you alone after you tell him to, you can get a temporary PFA (protection from abuse order) which then can turn into a restraining order. His behaviors are indicative of someone who does not respond to boundaries and has no respect for you, and that is unacceptable. Also, it would be wise to save the messages sent between you two so they can be proof/evidence to justify for the PFA/restraining order. After telling him not to contact you, it may be wise to block him on social media and text/phone.  If he doesn't leave you alone after you strictly tell him to and block him, then I think you definitely have the right to file for a PFA. Note: I am not a lawyer! However, you can speak to a domestic violence shelter about your options in this situation. 

If you are afraid to block him, think about this... if he did share your status with the world, people would most likely think he was just a completely angry ex-boyfriend who was trying to get back at you for ending things with him. He is acting completely irrational and abusive, and that is just not okay! 

Please know that you can and will find love again. You are a beautiful human and having H doesn't change that, I promise. We are here for you! If you need to talk or need a friend, feel free to reach out anytime. 

I am praying for you! 

Stay kind to yourself! ❤️ 

Blessings,

grace

[Equus85]

Thank you for all your kind words.  I know his behaviors are not ok, and I know I don't deserve that. I don't feel afraid just really frustrated.  I understand why he's frustrated too, i just would never act like that. Its just a difficult situation because we met at a club that he's a member of.  I love being there, I have many friends there, and many many club members like me and enjoy having me there.  However, if i take out a PFA or restraining order...i have to sacrafice the club.  Even though I shouldn't have to.  So i'm trying my hardest not to go that route.  Aren't people just awful?  I do agree with you though, i think if he did say anything everyone would just think he's being bitter.

But i'm glad i found this forum.  I've been reading alot of the posts and finding some solace in them.  I needed something. Someone.  I am going to talk to my best friend tomorrow.  She is someone i've known since we were little kids (were 37 now 😅)  I know I can trust her with anything and she won't judge me one bit.  But ive still struggled to tell her.  I've talked to a few select people about my ex but left this part out.  and it's hard to do that and still explain why he's so upset.  So i need someone in my social circle to tell the whole story to.  So i'm gonna be a brave girl and fill her in 😅.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi! 

You can do this! I hope the chat with your friend went well. 

Keep us updated! We are cheering you on! ❤️ 

Blessings!

[Equus85]

It went strangely well!  Turns out....she has it too! and she never told me 😅...not that i'm glad she has it by any means but what a strange sense of relief to know that my best friend has something that I have and am struggling with and now I can talk to her about it like I have everything else in such a relatable care free manner!  I feel like there's probably more people than we all realize out there that also have H and don't want to talk about it with each other just like me and her.