Struggling with mixed signals after disclosure

[spiritualized793]

Hi all, I acquired HSV2-G from my long-term partner around 5 years ago. He didn't know that he had it and had never experienced any symptoms, so this was unexpected and really crushing to discover, particularly since he was only my second sexual partner. Incidentally, this hit right at a time that we were having serious relationship trouble because of his alcoholism. Sadly, I ended up remaining in the relationship longer than was healthy in large part because I was afraid of starting over with this new reality. The idea of ever having "the talk" filled me with dread, and I honestly had a hard time imagining I'd ever be seen as worthy of love and desire again. Eventually, toward the beginning of this year, I ended the relationship once and for all, determined to go forward with bravery into the unknown.

Fast-forward to this spring. I moved to NYC and just by happenstance soon ran into someone I'd known years prior in our mutual hometown. We immediately connected on so many common loves and interests and had these amazing times together, magical, sweet, exciting...I could tell the first night that he would have been interested in sex, but as someone who moves slowly, regardless of this new status, I put him off for about a month before we became close enough to necessitate the talk. I'm afraid I horribly botched that moment. We were already kissing and partially undressed before I finally, painfully indicated that there was something I needed to tell him. I cringe to think of it, but in the end, he made some guesses at what it was, and his one correct guess became my very passive disclosure moment. We talked about it for a little while - I wasn't super confident about how to frame it, and I was so emotionally overwrought that I'm honestly not even sure what I said. I did ask whether he'd been tested for STIs (he said he had, very recently) and whether he'd ever been with someone with HSV. We talked about my experience of HSV, general risk factors, and whether oral sex carried the same risk, and then I said that it might be good for him to do some reading since I didn't want to be his only source of truth. Certainly, I didn't own the moment or feel empowered. I was relieved when he kissed me and said that he wasn't going anywhere, and then he asked if we could have sex, which to my mind implied acceptance of this fact of my life. We did have sex, with protection, and we cuddled all the next morning before he left. Sadly, he became distant the next day, and we decided to meet and talk the following day, during which he said he thought this was "a bridge too far." The conversation ended ambiguously, though, and he said he thought we both needed to process a bit more but that he still wanted to see me. He kissed and held me, and then left.

After that day, we continued to spend time together, fell back into dating mode for a couple of weeks without ever ending up at one of our places and having sex. It was incredibly lovely and romantic, and finally two weekends ago, we came back to my place and had sex for the second (and third) time. This time, he didn't want to use protection, which again I thought was a statement - a strong implication that he was "in this" with me. I probably should have been more forceful about insisting on protection and pressing to understand his intentions, but the moment carried me away. I wanted to feel loved in that way so badly! The next morning, he referenced the fact that he hadn't used protection in a way that made me worried that he was questioning that decision. We had an INCREDIBLE next day, spent the whole day together, and then the next time we met, it seems everything fell apart.

We went to dinner and came back to my place where things were turning physical, but I paused and referenced the fact that I still feel fairly reserved with him because I'm not sure of where we stand. I'm not terribly sexually experienced anyway, and he makes me a bit nervous sometimes because I know he has had a good amount of experience. Somehow, he seemed to get really frustrated and said that maybe he'd been ignoring that we weren't "sexually compatible," and that he needed to take a walk and think about things. The next day, we agreed again to meet and talk, and this time, he told me that while he had very strong feelings for me, that there just couldn't be a future for us, and as explanation, emphasized that I'd told him that I have "an incurable STD" (umm, harsh language) by way of explanation, and then asked if we could be friends, though he still wanted to have me over to cook me dinner and "see his place" this coming Thursday. I agreed in the moment and felt decently positive about the honesty of the conversation(?), but after a couple of days I'm at a loss. We had such momentum, and the night of sex with no protection had led me to believe that he was willing to go all in with me. Now, what are we? What will this dinner look like? I'm not inclined to open back up and make myself vulnerable with him given this back and forth. I'm feeling a bit of whiplash and would love some perspective.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hey!! 

First, you are amazing and you are worthy of all good happy things. The way people treat you is indicative of who THEY are, it has nothing to do with you. 

Second, this man's behavior is just not okay! Instead of acting impulsively and confusing, he could have simply paused to figure all this out. He doesn't seem to be as thoughtful about you as you are about him, and you deserve someone who treats you with respect. The audacity he has to act so immaturely! He seems like he doesn't know what he wants, and instead of taking the time to be honest and figure it out, he seems like he wanted to be physical and spend time with you, but it contradicts with his usual relationship style (perhaps more casual). 

You can do SO much better and you deserve better!! If you want to be friends with him, he should prove that he really is respectful and caring, and his actions and words haven't proven that too strongly so far. It may help to have an open conversation where you explain how he behaved hurt you, and if you do want to be friends than he needs to apologize and be kind and respectful. 

Stay strong and be kind to yourself! H doesn't define you and the right person won't be bothered by it. 💛 I know disclosing is scary, but you have no reason to be ashamed. Be confident and hold your head high!! 🌻🦋🌈

We are here for you!! Reach out if you need anything ☺️

Sending blessings and prayers your way!! 🌻

grace

[spiritualized793]

Thank you for the kind reply. It helps to have an outside perspective and also some affirmation that this has been a confusing situation. I'm working on having some equanimity about it all and remembering that what's right will be clear, not confusing and ambiguous. I've definitely learned something with this first disclosure (and first new love interest in 6+ years). I'll have to see whether this pans out as a friendship, but either way I have some new intentions set for the next time I find myself considering becoming intimate with someone.

[Flowerteacher55]

Hi!

Yes! That is so awesome-- what is right will be clear! That is definitely something I (and so many others!) need to remember ❤️ 

Sending blessings your way!

[Bloomer]

@spiritualized793you did everything right. This guy isn't worth your friendship and acted really immature. I mean...it is his right to not to have relationship with you but I don't understand friendship part. If you have any feelings towards it is not good idea to be friends with that person.

When person is right for you and is really serious about you, you will now it. When I met my husband and had disclosure he immediately told me that he still wants to continue to see me. I remember him saying something like that he chooses a person, not illness or disease or infection. And just to mention...I had really tough time with HSV infection,  horrible symptoms and complications but he stayed with me no matter what. This is love and this is how love should look like.

I know it sucks to be rejected (or partly rejected) because it us huge blow on someone's selfesteem but look on the bright side. You will save lot of your time and won't waste it on a wrong person. One thing I thought about relationships and life is that whenever there are mixed signals involved you should run immediately. 

[spiritualized793]

On 7/1/2022 at 3:09 AM, Bloomer said:

@spiritualized793you did everything right. This guy isn't worth your friendship and acted really immature. I mean...it is his right to not to have relationship with you but I don't understand friendship part. If you have any feelings towards it is not good idea to be friends with that person.

When person is right for you and is really serious about you, you will now it. When I met my husband and had disclosure he immediately told me that he still wants to continue to see me. I remember him saying something like that he chooses a person, not illness or disease or infection. And just to mention...I had really tough time with HSV infection,  horrible symptoms and complications but he stayed with me no matter what. This is love and this is how love should look like.

I know it sucks to be rejected (or partly rejected) because it us huge blow on someone's selfesteem but look on the bright side. You will save lot of your time and won't waste it on a wrong person. One thing I thought about relationships and life is that whenever there are mixed signals involved you should run immediately. 

@Bloomer Thank you so much for the perspective and encouragement. It's wonderful to hear about your experience and to be reminded that people like your husband exist. I know deep down that true care should be clear and unambiguous, but I think with this first disclosure, I let myself get caught up in a bit of a low self-esteem trap where I didn't see myself as one who could still call the shots and decide what feels right TO ME. I gave away a lot of power by passively waiting for him to decide if this part of me was "ok with him," and that's been a big lesson - I need to have a better sense of what I want and deserve the next time I open up to someone about my status.

On the friendship front, to be honest, I think I agreed because I was hoping that his feelings might shift if we spent more time together, but I'm not sure how much fun it will be to continue to spend time with someone I had started to fall for, so I suppose I'm just playing it by ear right now. I did go to his house the other night to play music (we're both musicians) and hang out, and we just had the best time together - which made me fall a little more for him and wish even more for things to be different, so while it was lovely, it was difficult to process. Perhaps I'll decide in the end that he's not the best person to put my energy toward, or perhaps I'll realize that he has loving intentions but has also been confused and figuring out his feelings and priorities - and find it possible to give him grace through that. This was my very first time disclosing to someone, so it's definitely been a big learning curve. I imagine my feelings will continue to evolve as I become more confident owning this part of my life.

Anyway, thank you again. I appreciate you for sharing and responding.