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How do people do this?!

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I found out I have HSV-2 4 days ago and I am freaking out. I’ve only had a yeast infection once due to antibiotics and have never had any other issues so I don’t understand. I’ve been married 15yrs and my husband does not have it, thank God. I’ve begged him for a divorce because I feel absolutely disgusting and never want to have sex or even be touched again. I’ve bleached my house top to bottom including my bed. I should point out that I have extreme Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with my primary issue being germs. I’ve struggled with it and been treated for it since I was a child. My husband and I desperately wanted to have children which we put off while I was finishing college and then were stopped again after I suffered a stroke due to brain aneurysms at 33yrs. I then found out I had epilepsy and 1yr after my stroke I was fired from the university I worked at due to taking over 90 days (FMLA protected) time off to heal, I was fired on day 91. We recently decided to try again and now I am stopped again. 2 weeks ago I found out I need leg braces to walk due to damage from the stroke and then last week HSV. I’ve never been so depressed and defeated in my life. Yesterday I completed a DNR because if he won’t leave me then maybe the powers that be and who are so mad at me will do him a favor. I am aware that this is likely all in my head but how do I convince myself of that after a 6 1/2yr nightmare that just won’t stop. My Dr’s have put me on an extremely high dose of sedatives but it’s definitely not helping. I have taken no less than 3 showers a day and change my clothes every time. How do I escape germs when I am the germ. I’m not suicidal by any means but I’ve also lost any bit of fight left in me. I’ve survived meningitis that put me in a coma at 18yrs, sexual assault, physical abuse, a stroke, aneurysms (brain surgery), severe epilepsy, my career ending and now this is what has taken my fight. How do I survive this?! How does anyone?! I know I’m not alone which I’m not sure if that’s helpful or heartbreaking, maybe both. If I’m so disgusted with myself how will all of my Dr’s feel about me now? Will they whisper behind my back and look at me differently? I’m absolutely terrified and horrified. To say I’m freaking out is an understatement. Any advice would help. I refuse to tell anyone other than my husband. People already treat me like I’m broken so I no longer tell people my health issues, including my siblings. Sympathy and pity are not helpful and now mix judgement, whispers and disgust. How do I get through this. I want a baby and my husband desperately wants children but how? Sorry for such a long rant. I hardly expect anyone to read this but getting it out is very helpful. In the event someone does read this I’m terribly sorry and very appreciative. 

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Hello Friend,

First, I am so sorry that you are experiencing such pain. Please know you are not bad. You are not dirty. You are not worthless. You are not a danger to yourself or others. You are good. You are pure. You are clean. You are worthy of love and respect. You are safe. 

You are such a warrior. You are a survivor, and you have overcome SO much, you are truly inspirational! ❤️ You are living proof that tough times make for the strongest of people, and it's possible to make it through the seemingly impossible. You are not weak or broken. You are strong and put together. 

I also have OCD, which is exacerbated by my HSV. I already feel dirty and bad because of molestation as a child, and then abuse from an ex (the one who I contracted HSV from), and getting HSV was like putting salt in a wound. I completely understand the fear of passing it to others, and feeling the need to disinfect everything. Please know HSV doesn't spread through surfaces. It's spread via skin to skin contact with the infected area during an outbreak and/or viral shedding. There are many people who have been married happily for years and may have never known one of the partners has HSV. Since HSV can live for years without showing symptoms, many folks don't know they have it. It isn't your fault! This is a common virus that is just a part of being human. It doesn't have anything to do with your morals, ethics, standards, or success or worthiness. It is just a virus. The stima surrounding it is societally constructed, and societal stereotypes and judgements are based off misinformation, fear, and overall lies. The wonderful thing is, through platforms like this and with better education and awareness, we can all help to break that stigma! Of course, we also have to be the sitgma-shatterers for ourselves, reminding ourselves to not give in to the negative thoughts or stigmas about HSV, too! 

In regards to your husband, you have no reason to be ashamed. Love is the strongest force on this planet, and H does not have the power to break love. Your husband loves you so much that he want to have children with you; make mini humans with you! A virus wouldn't change that. Of course he still loves you. You may be feeling bad about yourself right now, and perhaps you are mortified that he would still want to be with you after this, but remember, that is how strong love is. Love is patient, kind, and unconditional. Instead of running from this love, use it to support you in this difficult time ❤️.

You have been through so much physically. I am so sorry for the medical experiences you have had. However, you are still standing and you are sharing your story, which is so most likely inspiring others and helping others who can relate see they are not alone. So, thank you for sharing your story and proving surviving and overcoming adversity is 110% possible! 🌻☀️

If you need support, feel free to direct message me. I am praying for you ☀️🌻🦋! You are not alone and you are safe, beautiful, worthy, and loved. 

Be kinder to yourself ❤️ you deserve it!! 🌻🌻☀️ !!! 

Sending blessings of kindness and happiness and health your way,  🦋


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