My boyfriend gave me herpes.

[Ells456]

This is going to be a long one…

So I’ve been told I have herpes. I’ve got it from my boyfriend who I’ve been with for just over a year and a half and he’s my first partner. Let me start by making it clear that we were both really uneducated about stds and what symptoms mean what etc. So from the start I made me and my boyfriend use condoms (I never ever want children and am terrified of getting pregnant) and he’s been totally okay with it even up until this day. It’s my boundary and he respects that. He didn’t tell me he had unprotected sex in the past because a) he was ashamed due to some comments I made about people not using protection and b) he just didn’t think he had anything (you’ll see why later) and c) kinda forgot about the others girls he’d been with but he did tell me he had had sex before me. Eventually several months later he told me 4 out of 5 of the women he slept with were unprotected. When he told me I was fine about it, I just assumed if he had something I surely would have got it by now (yes dumb I know) so we carried on as normal using protection thinking we were safe as we were using condoms (again dumb I know). Last week he had some bumps come up on his penis we both looked at it and assumed it was irritation from shaving. Important to note here, a few years before we met he had the same bumps and went to the doctors. She simply told him it was ingrown hairs and never suggested a test and told him not to worry so of course he trusted her because she’s a doctor so the other week he just thought it was ingrown hairs again and we had sex then flash forward a few days and I’m getting blisters on my vagina. We’ve now been on a terrible journey together. We are both stressed, I’m so angry with him and it’s triggered my ptsd from being sexually abused as a child as I now feel even more powerless in my body and completely let down and violated by him. I’m just curious if anyone thinks it’s wrong that he didn’t tell me from the start? Am I being unreasonable to blame him? Has anyone got over this issue with their partner and worked it all out? I just feel so lost and alone right now. I went from loving him with all my heart to feeling empty inside when I’m with him. I think he’s genuinely sorry, he got so angry the other day that he self harmed which I hated because Ive done it my whole life so I know how desperate he was and he’s offered to pay for all my treatment and medication in the future. Please someone tell me it gets better. 

[AlliKat12]

Hello,

First of all, you should get a swab done on the blisters so you can find out which strain of HSV you have.  HSV1 is super common on genitals but it could also be HSV2.  Also, If he wasn't aware that he had herpes(and correct me if I read that wrong, since the doctor told him it was ingrown hairs) I wouldn't be too hard on him since it could of been an honest mistake.  You guys were careful with condoms but sometimes transmission can happen. 

I have genital HSV1 and I have had it for 7 years but just recently had my first outbreak.  I was like you, uneducated and confused.  I found out I had the antibodies for HSV1 in 2015 and never did anything about it because I didn't know what it meant.  I just had my first outbreak in June and I could have unknowingly gave it to my boyfriend of 4 years and he was super understanding about it because it just never crossed my mind again after the blood test i had in 2015. Things happen and people make mistakes. 

It does get better.  Herpes doesn't have to be the end of the world.  There is medication you can take when you have symptoms or you can take a lower dose of the same medication as a suppressive.  

It will get better. 

[CuriousBlue]

Hello,

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling! So your boyfriend had the bumps on his penis and even though this was covered with the condom you still got it? I know condoms arent 100% effective but usually the transmission from male to female with use of a condom is 96% chance of no transmission. I suppose these studies did suggest when there was no outbreak. Maybe he was shedding on an area not protected by condom. 

Did you have oral sex? Do you know if he has oral herpes ? Ever gotten a cold sore?

Definitely try and get the blister swabbed. 

I don’t know much about HSV 2 but I have HSV 1 and it has not effected my life at all. Over 70% of the global population has this strain so if you have HSV would be helpful to know which you have as it might effect your outbreaks etc. 

If your boyfriend didn’t know he had herpes I wouldnt be too hard on him. So many people (even those with oral herpes - and this is way more common) don’t know they have it and go around spreading it unfortunately 

[Ells456]

23 hours ago, AlliKat12 said:

Hello,

First of all, you should get a swab done on the blisters so you can find out which strain of HSV you have.  HSV1 is super common on genitals but it could also be HSV2.  Also, If he wasn't aware that he had herpes(and correct me if I read that wrong, since the doctor told him it was ingrown hairs) I wouldn't be too hard on him since it could of been an honest mistake.  You guys were careful with condoms but sometimes transmission can happen. 

I have genital HSV1 and I have had it for 7 years but just recently had my first outbreak.  I was like you, uneducated and confused.  I found out I had the antibodies for HSV1 in 2015 and never did anything about it because I didn't know what it meant.  I just had my first outbreak in June and I could have unknowingly gave it to my boyfriend of 4 years and he was super understanding about it because it just never crossed my mind again after the blood test i had in 2015. Things happen and people make mistakes. 

It does get better.  Herpes doesn't have to be the end of the world.  There is medication you can take when you have symptoms or you can take a lower dose of the same medication as a suppressive.  

It will get better. 

Thank you for replying. Mine is also HSV1. Do you find it easy to manage? I’m scared I’m going to have outbreaks all the time!

[Ells456]

19 hours ago, CuriousBlue said:

Hello,

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling! So your boyfriend had the bumps on his penis and even though this was covered with the condom you still got it? I know condoms arent 100% effective but usually the transmission from male to female with use of a condom is 96% chance of no transmission. I suppose these studies did suggest when there was no outbreak. Maybe he was shedding on an area not protected by condom. 

Did you have oral sex? Do you know if he has oral herpes ? Ever gotten a cold sore?

Definitely try and get the blister swabbed. 

I don’t know much about HSV 2 but I have HSV 1 and it has not effected my life at all. Over 70% of the global population has this strain so if you have HSV would be helpful to know which you have as it might effect your outbreaks etc. 

If your boyfriend didn’t know he had herpes I wouldnt be too hard on him. So many people (even those with oral herpes - and this is way more common) don’t know they have it and go around spreading it unfortunately 

So he’s never had cold sores before on his mouth. He’s only had bumps on his penis twice. He has received oral sex from girls in the past so maybe one of them had a cold sore that could have spread it? I’ve been told I have HSV1 so I’m hoping it’s a bit easier to manage. I’m just worried I’ll get outbreaks all the time. 

[AlliKat12]

49 minutes ago, Ells456 said:

Thank you for replying. Mine is also HSV1. Do you find it easy to manage? I’m scared I’m going to have outbreaks all the time!

I take the Valtrex everyday as a suppressant because its lessens the chances of passing to a partner.  As far as I know, my boyfriend doesn't have it because he doesn't have any symptoms.  I've only had one outbreak so far and I think the Valtrex definitely helps with that.  Everyone is different, but i've read that genital HSV1 normally results in less than 1 outbreak a year.  

Just remember to breath and not stress yourself out because that can be a trigger for outbreaks.  After you have some knowledge about what you are going through and are able to connect with people who are going through the same thing, it makes it easier to manage. 

You'll be okay 🙂 

[Flowerteacher55]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this stress. Please know that you will be okay and everything will work out. 

Please know that you are not dirty or bad or unworthy because of this. I was molested as a child and contracting herpes made all the feelings of dirtiness and guilt rush up. It is like opening an old wound. I am so sorry you went through that. Remember that herpes does not mean you are dirty or bad. It is a common virus and STIs are a part of being sexually active. It's not your fault. 

It sounds like your boyfriend genuinely didn't know he had an STI. Herpes is so easily spread and so many people don't know they have it. It's possible he mistook his first outbreak for something else (ingrown hairs, for example) and didn't have other symptoms (flu-like or aches, etc). Or, maybe he did and thought he was getting a cold. I hope he is being supportive of you. 

I'm sure this has really strained your relationship. Please know that love is the strongest force on the planet and nothing- not even H- can break love. It will get better. Focus on healing and loving yourself ❤️ You are so strong!

Blessings!

grace