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My Story

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It's been two weeks to the day since I was diagnosed. I woke up at 4am on Halloween morning in excruciating pain, and my first thought was that maybe I had bad razor burn or had been bitten by a mosquito down there ... several times. I took the day off work to rest and try to figure out what was going on, but deep down I think I knew. Now, looking back, I realize I had a lot of the symptoms in the two days leading up to my OB: I had intense migraines at work, I was starting to feel like I had a cold coming on, and no matter how much I slept or tried to rest, I just felt fatigued all the time, for no reason.


I went to the doctor the next day and was essentially hysterical even before she walked in the room. I thought I couldn't get any more ridiculous until she said the words, "Yes, this looks like you have herpes." I started crying like I haven't cried in years. And all of her attempts to console me just made me shake and bawl that much harder.


I've never slept around, and have only ever been intimate with someone I'm exclusive with. And I always, ALWAYS, use a condom. I guess I just never thought this could happen to me, but that's the funny thing about life. Things happen when you least expect them.


Leading up to this, I had been single for quite a while - over two years - and I was so happy to be in a place where I thought I could have a good relationship again. I'd been seeing my giver for a few months, and this happened literally days after the first time we slept together. He insists he didn't know he had HSV, but I don't really know if I believe that. And I guess I'll never really know for sure. But the more I think about it, the more I question - how well did I really know him? Wasn't there some sort of red flag I should've seen?


The last two weeks have just been an emotional rollercoaster. I went through the whole stage of shock where I felt like I was just having a horrible nightmare. Then there were days of deep depression, where I literally could not stop crying and at times just thought it would be so much easier if I could just not wake up the next day. I didn't want to deal with it. Just everything set me off. I saw a kid walking with his mom on the street and I had to run behind a tree to hide because I was crying at the fear that I might not ever have that. I just keep trying to sort out all of my feelings and it's like a whirlwind: anger, depression, confusion, guilt, shame. I know I shouldn't be ashamed or guilty really, because I did all I could, in theory, to prevent this from happening. But I can't help but think that things are never going to be the same, and I might not ever find the person I'm supposed to be with.


I actually stumbled across this group about a week ago, but couldn't work up the nerve until now to make an account. I told my mom, and my two best friends, but I'm just terrified of the day when I'll have to tell someone I really care about, knowing there's a possibility that he could reject me. I think I know deep down that when the right person comes along, he won't care, but does that fear ever go away? This whole process has just been so hard, because I feel like I don't have anyone I can really talk to, who understands what I'm feeling. My friends are here, but my closest friends and all of my family are 3000 miles away (I'm from California and moved to DC about a year ago). It makes me feel better reading other people's posts, and it does feel better getting this off my chest. I guess any advice for how I can start to feel like myself again would be appreciated. I'm starting to feel that way, but then slowly but surely the doubt comes creeping back in.

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