Crippling anxiety

[Ken]

Hi all

I had a protected sexual encounter about a month ago - stupid and selfish I know as I'm married, my only mitigation being that I've been depressed and anxious for some time about a whole bunch of stuff. About three weeks later my wife developed a few small blisters on the base of her middle finger (left hand) which she thought were a spread of cold sores (HSV1) which she has suffered from for many years. She put one treatment of acyclovir on it about a day and a half after they appeared and they had dried up within a day of that. She has not reported any other symptoms and I've not seen any on myself. The only possible sign of new HSV could be I had an upset stomach for a couple of days and a toothache about a week before her symptoms appeared. I'm veering between thinking this is unlikely to be HSV2 to seeing it as almost certain I've infected her. I am waiting for a blood test result but realise this may well be too soon to be at all definitive. I'm struggling to conceal my intense anxiety, but don't want to 'confess' and then find there was no need as we're in the clear. I feel so wretched and ashamed I've even found myself thinking of ending it all. Any words of advice much appreciated.

Thanks

Ken

[WCSDancer2010]

@Ken

 

First - welcome... you are in a no judgement zone. So please know anything I say is from the heart, as I see it. What you do with it is entirely up to you.

 

upset stomach for a couple of days and a toothache about a week before her symptoms appeared.

 

This doesn't sound like herpes. However, its highly unlikely your wife would infect herself with HSV1 as she would already have the antibodies. So whatever it was, it's doubtful you will know if it was you or her that caused that OB unless she has had that kind of thing before in which case, it's likely from her original contact with Oral Herpes and it's just a flare-up. Once you have had H for 4-5 months it's unlikely to pass it on to other parts of your body.

 

And yes, odds are you will not get an accurate result for 4-5 months from the time of contact.

 

I'm struggling to conceal my intense anxiety, but don't want to 'confess' and then find there was no need as we're in the clear. I feel so wretched and ashamed I've even found myself thinking of ending it all.

 

Some people will disagree with me here, but I am a firm believer in integrity. The simple definition is "Doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it, and rectifying things when you break your word". Believe me, I *get* your reasons for your transgression (I have a client who is an Escort and I've learned that there's often a LOT at work that causes people to stray...usually because there is some breach in intimacy or connection which can happen for many reasons.... ) ... not that it's ok, but what's done is done. No excuses. AND, you have a mess to clean up. Now, you can choose to live the rest of your life with that guilt, or you can get a professional to help you clean it up so you can move on. Your choice... but it sounds like the guilt is eating at you to the point where it will likely literally EAT at you at some point and cause a lot more pain and suffering.

 

It's your life, your choice. (((HUGS))) to you.

[HerryTheHerp]

Hi Ken,

 

We're human. We make mistakes. It sucks, but that's the reality.

 

Now, as far as your wife spreading HSV1 to her finger if she already had it? Not possible. After about 4-6 months of infection, you can't auto-innoculate another part of your body. Doesn't work that way. Also, if you did have HSV2, I'd expect to see it somewhere else first and not on a finger.

 

So, to tell her or not to tell her. Going to agree with Dancer here. You need to tell her. You crossed a big line, and well, it's gonna hurt her pretty badly. I've been cheated on; I know how it feels, and I'm going to tell you that you've got a hard row to hoe to win her trust back. If you're up for it, and she's willing, it just might be worth it to save your relationship.

 

I also don't think you are dealing with a new herpes infection. Stomach aches and toothaches are not typical symptoms. In fact, they're not symptoms at all of this li'l virus. So, I think you can relax a little there. You should still get tested at between 4-6 months out to be sure, but from what you wrote, doesn't sound like H at all.

 

 

[Ken]

Thanks Dancer and Herry, for taking the time to reply to me. Your care and good sense is hugely helpful at a time when I'm in danger of falling into a spiral of despair and self-loathing. Whether or not I end up positive for HSV2 this experience is a massive wake-up call for me to make some big changes in my life. I realise not only how disconnected from my wife I've been but from myself - looked away from my own anxiety and depression, buried myself in work etc etc. I WILL change these things; thanks for pushing me along the way!

[WCSDancer2010]

@ken...

 

Life sends us wake-up calls all the time ... sadly most will hit the snooze button again and again until something comes along and throws them out of the bed, onto the floor, and kicks their arse hard enough for them to wake up... and even then, some will find some excuse to crawl back under the covers of denial and excuses.... :(

 

Today is a new day ... from this point forward you can make the changes necessary to get back to the man you want to be for yourself and your wife. Good for you for declaring your intent... now you just have to make it happen ;)

 

((HUGS)))